Cossacks

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Cossack
A cossack on a horse hesitating between Turkey and Poland.

Cossacks are a peaceful, environment loving tribe who live in the sane, wintery, enlightened area of Siberia and Ukraine. They are sometimes confused with the Ukrainian militia for no apparent reason. Cossacks' main activities are traveling to nearby towns, playing with their sabers, sleeping and drinking "horilka" [1] on horseback. The only thing the Cossacks do not do on horseback is to spend time with women (they respect the etiquette and one rule states that it is not polite to talk to women while sitting on a horse).

Origins

The word "Cossack" does not come from the Russian word for a cossack but from a Ukrainian analogy. The only difference is that in Russian language a right orthography is used and the word is spelt ca-sack on the contrary to the left-wing Ukrainian language.

Due to their ambiguous maneuvers and fighting skills, nobody has never attempted to catch a living Cossack and dead ones have never revealed anything about the origins of these "people".

Characterisation

Find a Cossack
Here, a Cossack can be found very easily. It is the only person who looks straight at the crowd because he does not fear anything.

Cossacks are usually characterised by a huge sword which they wield above their head just before they kill a victim. They are stereotyped by many modern, civilised Russians as being nomad settlers who roam around the countryside raping and pillaging villages. Stalin once called them the, "Slavs of Russia" before realising that all Russians were Slavs.

However modern scientific research conducted in the animal test facility laboratories in the University of Putingrad has revealed that Cossacks may actually be human. After administrating large electric shocks to the Cossacks they seemed to be able to talk in Russian. Also when one Cossack was captured in the wild and put to sleep forever, the Russian scientists from the University disected the Cossack and found that the organs inside matched human organs.

Many books in popular and unpopular literature refer to the Cossacks and their culture. Examples include: My Downfall by Napoleon Bonaparte and Why I failed to invade Russia by Adolf Hitler. These books mentioned here give suprising credit to the Cossacks whereas most books written by Russian authors on the Cossacks portray them in a poor light. Films have also been made on the Cossacks such as, Enemy at the Gates, oh wait no, it's Cossacks, run for your lives! and Star Wars Episode VII: The Cossacks Strike Back (at the Rebel supply lines) which was a film inspired by the book My Downfall. Actors playing Cossacks are usually provided with the same costumes used by Attila the Hun and his followers in these films.

Subdivisions

Cossacks is a term refering to a race of people who live between Siberia and Central Europe. As with many other races the Cossacks are divided into tribes that roam the countryside feasting on the locals and being employed by Hollywood directors to play the Barbarians in their latest Roman Epic.

Zaporozhian Cossacks

Zaporozhian Cossacks originated from Ukraine originally and lay claim to not only being the true descendents of Ancient Russians and therefore the true superior race in Russia but also the only people in the World to have 100% Neanderthal DNA and no Homo Sapien DNA. They dwell in caves in the Southern Urinal Mountains where they are isolated from the rest of humanity and only feed on Chicken Kiev.

They are most famously known for the succesful deterent of extremist Muslim terrorists from entering Southern Russia and expanding Muslim states' territory below Russia in retaliation for the 1979 Russian invasion of Afghanistan. Usually the smell of the Zaporozhian Cossacks is enough of a deterent but if needs be the Cossacks can simply ride into the Muslim states on horseback and pillage, rape and plunder the local inhabitants so that the extremist groups lose support.

Registered Cossacks

Modern Cossacks
This is what happens to a real Cossack after he becomes "registered".

Like all untermenschen (translation: minority people) in Eastern and Central European society, the Cossacks must be registered with the local authorities. Most Cossacks manage to evade capture and tagging by the local wildlife authorities however those who live in more civilised places such as North-Western Russia, Lithuania, Estonia, Latvia and Poland are found and tagged by the government with GPS microchips to record the movement of Cossacks. Unlike most untermenschen the Cossacks are forced to emmigrate (instead of forced to stay in their country) so that they cause no more stress to the local population. Therefore passports belonging to Cossacks are stamped with Cossack and have speedy, premier access through border control to the outside world.

Zaporozhian Coosacks always have conflicts with the registered cossacks especially because they refuse to use capital letters when addressing them. They consider the registered cossacks to be degraded because of their life far away from the fields and hills. In addition to this, they are sometimes found walking which is an example of anti-Cossack behavior (they are supposed to be riding a horse).

Don Cossacks

This group of Cossacks are dons[2]. They can pone any other group of Cossacks easily. They are well-respected in Russia, where they come from as being the fiercest fighters in all of the land. They are situated in the Northern Urinal Mountains and prey on any detritus that has been left by passers-by as their source of food, whether that be manure or human organs.

The Dons make up most of the famous football team, MK Dons, despite the fact that the football team is situated in Milton Keynes, UK. They have been known to literally hammer other teams and knock them out of the football league rounds. Don Cossacks make up the majority of troops employed by the Modern Russian army as every other 16 year-old Russian escapes the country before National Conscription and so give the well known motto to the Russian army, "We're dons, just deal with it."

Kuban Cossacks

As the name suggests this group of Cossacks is mainly made from Cuban immigrants who were imported to Russia during the Cold War, as Cuba was a Communist ally of Russia, to work on Uranium mines in Siberia. When the USSR collapsed in the 1990s the Cubans were allowed to move back to their original country however the years of working in Siberia had driven them mad and they caught the same disease that most people catch who live in Siberia and had begun to turn into Cossacks. After watching the A-Team TV series their leader decided to make a break-out from the cage they had been stored in while awaiting deportation and the Cubans fled into the wild.

In the depths of Siberia the Cubans picked up giant sabers, grew beards, drunk too much Vodka and learnt how to speak Monghol and Russian. They then called themselves the Kuban Cossacks to try and make themselves sound local. They still exist in Siberia and unlike the well-respected Don Cossacks, they simply hunt down travellers passing-by and slaughter them for meat.

Life

Cossack on a horse
Cossacks were very educated and intelligent people.

Formation of a cossack

When a future Cossack is still a young boy, he is sent away from home, often to school, in order not to annoy his parents very much. Cossack families have simple spirits and do what they want and only do what they want. When he reaches some kind of maturity, he often comes back (but not always) and in order to forget all the education that he has received. If his parents forget to take him back, he returns by himself knowing that he will never have a better life than amongst other cossacks.

The return of a mature Cossack is celebrated very much. After this, both a father and a son, are a bit injured and drunk. [3] This is an example of how Cossacks teach their sons (they do not have any daughters). The most important science and art for them is the science of fighting and the art of drinking.

Adulthood

The life of a Cossack is sometimes eventless although often glorious. Cossacks are known for being able to sleep for several days without a break in any possible and impossible sleeping positions and to drink at the same time. They spend their lives in journeys, being very enthusiastic tourists and often carry their sabers with them, always willing to defend peaceful citizens and villagers (the quote below, which belongs to the Ukrainian Cossack writer tells in details how Cossacks actually accomplished this).

Cquote1 Then all were put to the sword; the villages were burnt; and the horses and the cattle which were not driven off behind the army killed upon the spot. Cquote2

Settlements

HidingCossack
There are 5 Kuban Cossacks living in this stolen room. Most Russians are trained to spot them as anyone who cannot see the five Cossacks has no chance of surviving.

Cossacks can live in all sorts of environments and are exposed to extreme heat and extreme cold during their lifetime.

More civilised Cossacks build their own shelters, such as Registered Cossacks who live in Russian-looking mud-huts. There can be up to 200 of these mud-huts in one Cossack town and they are portable and so the town may move from place to place. Inside the mud-huts are beds of nails to sleep on and a place to hang the curved saber of a Cossack.

Less civilised Cossacks live in a variety of places depending on their geographical location. The only one of these that is man-made is the dwellings of the Kuban Cossacks who live in other people's homes and usually hide under someone's bed to sleep. All Russians are scared to death by the thought that there is a Cossack hiding under their bed and they should be as it is a very real possibility. In Russia the term given to the situation of Cossacks sleeping under beds is "Reds under the bed." Other tribes live in caves especially those who live in the Urinal Mountains. The Black Sea Cossacks live under water due to the fact that they are actually a descendant of amphibians and only appear Human because of their deceptive camouflage.

History

Attila the Hun

CossacksCrimea01
"Well I'll be a son of a Hun". Cossacks in Crimea share a grim joke.

Attila the Hun was well remembered for being leader of the Mongol Empire and taking over much of the modern world. Everyone bar the Western Europeans believe that the Mongol Empire was perhaps the greatest Empire history has ever seen. However some people, especially Russians, dispute the fact this Empire ever existed, namely on the premise that in order to build this great Empire Attila the Hun would have had to use Cossacks as troops in his army. Many cannot believe that it is possible to train a Cossack to be disciplined and fight the enemy instead of the local population and if the whole story of Attila the Hun was to be believed then this would point to the fact that the Cossacks were once trained and disciplined.

A documentary film was made on this subject called Night at the Museum in which a young security guard in an American museum meets Attila the Hun and attempts scientific experiments to work out how to make a Cossack obey all the orders. His studies concluded that the Cossacks had to be brainwashed to an extremely high level (only capable by Russians as demonstrated in the Cold War), their glucose levels had to be reduced dramatically and they had to sit in isolation from vodka for a whole two years to eliminate the natural Russian urge to drink it when they see it.

The Russian Invasion in 1812

The war of 1812 is considered by Russians as the French invasion. However, Cossacks legitimately think that is was the Russian invasion of their territories. Several Cossack troops were often formed from the most aggressive rebels (different politically educated peasants and workers). That's why they were not against the Republican form of the Government and against the Tsarism, as the Decembrists. This is why all the Frenchmen were welcomed in Cossack villages. Russian Tsar, after seeing this, promised to take away all the lands from Cossacks and so they had to participate in chasing Napoleon. It was a nightmare for the Corsican Marshall.

But Cossacks have a good memory and so, soon after the end of the war, they took a terrible revenge and destroyed several villages. However, not having a bad character, all the Cossacks soon returned to their normal activities.

Since 1917

Cossack with a horse
The last Cossack spotted in Moscow in 1917.

After the Russian Revolution, nobody has ever seen a Cossack. The last one was spotted right before the Winter Palace got invaded by communists and he was walking towards it, knowing that he was the only person who could save the Tsar. However, he has never reached his destination, probably because he changed his destination.

The most common theory about the disappearance of Cossacks in Russia tells that after the Revolution, there was no need to serve the Tsars anymore (Cossacks were too kind to say no to the Government and, therefore, have been used as war machines for a long time). So they decided to realize the Cossack Dream and fell asleep in the hills between Ukraine and Russia. As nobody has ever gone there, except for Adolf Hitler, all Russian investigators say that they are still sleeping there.

Despite all this, there seems to be evidence that several Cossacks are still active. The most accepted reason for Hitler's army not being able to reach Moscow during the Second World War is that different German troops carrying food and weapons passed too close to sleeping Cossacks, woke them up[4], and caused their anger. Four years later, the whole German army has vanished.

Stalin has never attempted to do anything about the Cossacks. He knew their awakening would cause them to move, to Turkey or to Poland, leaving the border between Russia and Ukraine without any defense in case any other Hitler or Napoleon would decide to cross it. After 1991, the three Russian presidents (Vladimir Putin and the two others) left all the information about Cossacks classified even though public attempted to uncover it. Scientists tried to lead several investigations about the origins and the nature of Cossacks (whether they were Russian or Ukrainian) but these experiments were not approved by the Government and were not successful.

Other uses

  • Sometimes people refer to the finest Ukrainian militia as Cossacks, not realizing that the whole population of Ukrainian is its militia but not all the population consists of Cossacks (there are also several women in Ukraine and there are no women amongst Cossacks). Therefore, the Ukrainian militia and the Cossacks are not the same thing, although the registered Cossacks (see Subdivisions) are present in the Ukrainian army.
  • Attila's soldiers were vandals but at the same time there were several Cossack troops in his army. That means that Cossacks can be considered vandals and so, when a foreigner says that a Russian is a vandal, it should not be considered as an insult because he is simply trying to say that this particular Russian is a Cossack.
  • Ninjas are a Japanese analogue of Cossacks. Ninjas stole all the Cossacks's secrets in order to become powerful and the Cossacks did not notice this because they were all sleeping. In order not suffer from the similar fate ninjas have introduced a law that any person belonging to them should not sleep. This was a violation of the Cossacks' principal law and there're made ninjas and Cossacks enemies for ages.

References

  1. A national Ukrainian drink which some ignorant Russians would call the "Ukrainian vodka".
  2. Modern slang referring to people who are the best at something.
  3. Here, the Russian nature shows itself.
  4. "It was very easy to do. The first man they encountered was a Zaporozhetz who was sleeping in the very middle of the road with legs and arms outstretched". Hitler, Adolf. Why I failed to invade Russia
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