Cosmic Guidance

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Cosmic Guidance Rays

Schematic representation of Cosmic Guidance radiation. You can see how the rays interfere with each other. It's almost magic.

Cosmic guidance is a largely unexplored phenomenon which humans are especially prone to. Being a constant radiation from outer space, it is said to manipulate brain activity, in particular the freedom of decision, sanity and accountability. The phenomenon was first discovered by Uri Geller while attempting to pick up alien signals employing a spoon. Despite it's unforeseeable incidence, certain human individuals such as artists, politicians, comedians and even call center staff members occasionally take advantage of Cosmic Guidance.

edit Origin

On August 13, 1977, Dr. Jerry R. Ehemann was adjusting SETI (Super-Exceptional-Terrestrial-Interface, better known as Sexy E.T. Indicator). A pattern of yet undiscovered α and γ waves (the curly ones) caught his attention. Apparently, the research center he worked at (Ohio State School for the Undiscovered Geniuses) was exposed to high radiation of cosmic radiation at the time. The next thing Dr. Ehemann remembered, according to his memoirs, was lying half naked on the ground (a collegue of his added: "[...]in his own vomit"), wearing parts of a cheerleader costume and holding a rubber duck in his right hand. What troubled him most was a set of razor blades and remnants of white, crushed powder of unknown origin on his shelve, which he hadn't seen before. He was "most astounded and quite fascinated". Ehemann realized that this must have had something to do with what he discovered on the SETI. This was the first ever recorded incident in connection with the so-called cosmic rays. Dr. Ehemann never before experienced a similar uncontrollable behaviour, being a reasonable man. He coined the term "Cosmic Guidance", mainly because it "sounded cool".

edit Inside Job

The knowledge about Cosmic Guidance was kept secret by the U.S. government and victims of its effects who were known in public were either systematically ridiculed or "died" (they were KILLED GODDAMN IT!!! It's a fucking CONSPIRACYYYY!). Among those who died of it were famous names such as Andy Kaufman, Elvis, William Tager ("Kenneth, what is the frequency?") and Pope John Paul II. The theory spread in the underground and very soon (around 1983) everyone knew all about it. But like with other threats and subversive manipulations, the public didn't give a rat's ass. So by 1984, nobody cared.

edit CGI, Game Designers at Risk

Cat with Collar

No wonder injured pets with collars act strange ... It optimises reception of Cosmic Guidance!

Most people believe the acronym CGI stands for "computer generated image". In fact, it means "Cosmic Guidance inspired". Images of such kind are indeed computer generated, but the content is of such absurd nature that even the Monty Python Group couldn't keep up with it. Game Designers are able to work without leaving their workspace for up to three weeks while programming (on the basis of being fed enough pizza by a third person). As a result they are being exposed to steady cosmic rays typical for this specific environment. After twelve hours already several symptoms known in connection with Cosmic Guidance can be attested:

To the ale, my friends! Let us reign the ginger empire!

In this state (medical term: tota surditas hominis ad coma caeli) game designers are constantly under the influence of Cosmic Guidance rays and thus should not operate a car. However, they are given the creativity and insanity that usually only madmen (artists) are given. The average game designer ends up creating CGI images in order to compensate the effect. Other than the urge to express their partitial control by space via meticulous CGI images and screenshots, Cosmic Guidance has no long term effects on them.

Tom-cruise with Funnel

Scientologists put trust in Cosmic Guidance.

edit Aimed Usage

Some people are willing to give in to Cosmic Guidance in order to reach another layer of perception. Metal funnels have proven to be of great help. It is most unlikely that anything of a greater sense will come of this approach, but some groups such as artists, writers, surgeons and presidential advisors often "seek advice from the stars" before making important decisions. For instance, it may help solving a complicated situation. At least it once worked for Comte de Lautréamont.

edit Theory

It might be possible that an isolated exposure of some brain areas to Cosmic Rays renders hallucinations in the users perception. Hallucinations of audible, visual or otherwise experienced kind, even those interpreted as smell or temperature stimulations. We leave such hypothesis to the highly acclaimed, thoroughgoing professional esoterics out there.

I have no inhibitions, officer!

edit Scientology Again

In 1951, L. Ron Hubbard stated that he created most of his books and studies like the Dianetics series entirely with the help of Cosmic Guidance (although an alternative theory claims L.Ron Hubbard wrote all his books with the help of extreme constipation and chronic masturbation). He described the hours of inspiration as an overwhelming experience along with a feeling of "seeing clearly and understanding everything".

The church of Scientology may have rejected an autopsy on Hubbards body, however, witnesses attested a circular impress around his skull. Speculation has it that this was a natural result of constantly wearing a specially designed chrome funnel that Hubbard would put on while writing.

The E-meter, manufactured for Scientologists and Dianetics, registers space radiation fluctuations and has a built in alarm in case it registers optimal reception of cosmic rays. It may explain why Scientology activists seem rather mentally absent when advertising for their church or when selling E-meters. Then again, when aren't they mentally absent! Well, let's not be tempted by prejudice. Leave that to all the niggers out there.

edit Remedy

Kitchen foil kid

Protect your children.

The average person doesn't like the idea of being controlled by mysterious forces from outer space (6,5 out of 10 say so). There are reliable methods with state of the art scientific solutions to avoid up to 98% of Cosmic Guidance effects.

edit The most Popular Solution

Wrapping the head in customary kitchen foil repels a vast array of cosmic rays, keeps the mind clear and the head warm. The resulting appearance of someone protecting his mind with kitchen foil is not yet accepted by society. Fashion designers have reacted properly and provide modern clothing considering the dangers of cosmic guidance.

edit Definite Solution

Another way to escape cosmic guidance is to have yourself beheaded. This method shows hardly any undesired side effects. It is comparable to the benefits of circumcision: You don't have to wash as often, less arguments with your wife or girlfriend (vice versa boyfriend if, you are gay), more space for more important things to see in the mirror, that putrid smell is gone, too and less to carry around all the time.


Hmm. Chance meeting of an umbrella and a sewing machine on a dissecting table ... sounds great!"

Additionally, you are resistant to extreme loudness up to 230db and beheading is also used against bad breath, neckache, senile dementia, annoying character traits and nightmares caused by posttraumatic schlong disorder.

edit Alternative Medicine

Some swear by carrying a rabbits paw in the pocket. It is said to also keep fiendish ghosts away. And girls. You may also want to try using garlic to prevent being taken over by any kind of entity. ANY kind. To attain permanent protection (based on Placebo effect), consult your local shaman.

edit What You Can Do

Every household offers the very tools you need to get the best protection in the world. First of all, check if you have this in your house. I know, it's what the Scientology guys use - that's what you will think. But listen well now: Ram this thoroughly into the aperture and you're done. You are now holding the perfect solution to avoiding Cosmic Guidance in your hands! Psssst. But don't tell anyone, OK!!!

edit Closing Words

Let an artist of class have the last word: Mr. Comte de Lautréamont please ... (that caption right there, noob!)

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