From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
“A nice place to go for a shopping round, but the street map is a living nightmare to handle...”
Capital City The entire planet
Terrain 99.9% urban, 0.1% natural (specifically, the small chunk of natural rock protruding from a plaza, though this was built after the fact to attract tourists)
Population Estimated to be anywhere from 30 billion to 60 kajillion. The exact figure is the subject of numerous jihads of Star Wars fans
Population Density population of China/square mile
Major Imports spare oxygen, neon, skyscrapers
Major Exports smog, dead hobos, carbon dioxide, jedi

Coruscant is a slightly overpopulated planet in the Star Wars universe. Its entire surface is covered by an endless multileveled cityscape with little parking. This intergalactic hub is thought to originally have formed as a single branch of the DMV.

edit Coruscant: Some information to help you live in it (*)


Coruscant was built on Bran Flakes. They shit like champions!

(*)(Note - the following information was copied from the back of a box of Star Wars Special Edition Breakfast Cereal. It has been hastily embroidered with this footnote in order to avoid prosecution under the incomprehensibly torturous Uncyclopedia Copywrong Laws.)

There is some speculation as to why George Lucas thought up the planet for his saga. Some think that it represents class divisions, between the rich high up in the rarified luxury towers and the poor rotting deep within the forsaken substructure. Many oppose this idea on the grounds that it is too smart for a stupid sci-fi series and also causes some people to feel a profound sense of guilt for being unpoor.

Since the release of Episodes I and II, another theory has arisen: the gleaming towers and shimmering lights are meant to distract viewers from the boring C-SPAN plot and horrendous acting. This theory has now gained widespread acceptance since the release of Episode III, with its increased footage of Coruscant and corresponding increase in horrendous acting. The most probable theory is that George Lucas is an alien from Coruscant and wants us to be subtly hypnotized into joining the Galactic Federation. Boy, we aren't falling for that.

The real truth is that George didn't come up with the idea for Coruscant. He ripped off Trantor, from Isaac Asimov's foundation series, then gave it a different name (probably stolen from somewhere else) and claimed he created it. This allowed him to have as many planets as he needed without having to do any actual creative work. This method would be repeated many, many, many times more.

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia think they have an article very remotely related to Coruscant.

With the entire planet covered by city, it seems very improbable that there is any plant life to actually support the oxygen needs of its inhabitants; unnaturally, their leading import are cans of air from Druidia and tubs of algae from Dagobah.

edit Crime

Having adopted the Texas standard for punishment -- that is, execution of any living creature for anything more than a misdemeanor -- crime has dropped a stunning .007%, while giving the law-abiding citizenry a fun, lively source of entertainment before the very popular Late Night TV gameshow "who wants to live to see their first birthday?" is aired.

edit The War on Terror

Devastated land

Coruscant after the invasion of Tiberium.

Following the attacks of September 11th, Emperor Palpatine and Hezbollah Chief Nasrallah Jar-Jar Binks were quick to applaud the terrorism for the possible solution to the overpopulation problem. Coruscant deployed its 501st Legion of Storm Troopers to Afghanistan, following their minor defeat at the hands of primitive, tribal Ewoks. Their first taste of action was at a small school outside Jalalabad, where a band of 4th graders lobbed trite insults and hurtful slurs at the Empire's best. Braving volley after volley, the 501st Legion eventually won the day and forced the children back to class.

On Coruscant itself, a small measure of rationing was already in place due to the ongoing strife between the Old Republic, Empire, New Republic and agrarian guerrillas. The War on Terror increased that rationing which has led to a degree of unrest. However, most of the populace enjoys being deprived of such necessities as television, SUVs and Razr mobile phones.

edit The Future of the City-Planet


Islam in Coruscant; later exported to the Earth.

While galactic instability remains constant and will likely increase as time progresses, Emperor Palpatine's loving hand will surely guide Coruscant to a more glorious future. Expert scientists have surmised that, in the future, the population will continue to grow, and the planet will become a large, sprawling ball of wreckage filled with high crime rates and enormous amounts of smog. Other, more pessimistic experts have surmised that Coruscant will eventually resemble Los Angeles, however it will still have cleaner air than Beijing.

edit Culinary use

While many casual diners prefer Coruscant the way it is, there has been a growing sector of the dining populace who enjoy adding butter to it, or cream cheese and the occasional jelly or jam. Marmalade, however, is expressly forbidden by both Ms. Manners and the Jewish kosher laws. There is a growing contingency of Vegemite enthusiasts, but they are unlikely to redefine inter-galactic cuisine with such a despised condiment.

edit Culture and Nightlife

As the biggest city in the inner-core part of the galaxy there are many bars, hobos, clubs, hobos, strip clubs and hobos in Coruscant City.

Fortunately, the clubs are similar to other clubs and watering holes across the known universe, such as Tantooine cantinas, so those on the know and on the go can have familiar fun and encounters wherever they may be.

One must watch out for the pedestrians gathering to watch the power gates coruscating with energy at carefully timed intervals; just short enough for Jedi to fly (or run) through them while pursuing or being pursued.

Relatedly, one must never touch the Jedi; they are known to slice off non-fatal bits of the body at the slightest provocation. You know, that one between your legs.

edit Food

Food costs about three times more than on any other planet as there are no farmlands on Coruscant. If in doubt, question your food first, nobody wishes a repeat of the eating of the ambassador from Ton-Greenly; the excuse 'he smelled good' is not a legal defense.

edit Greenery

There are seventeen known half-acre spots across Coruscant, the tops of what were once mighty mountains. For the outlay of a hell of a lot of credits, one can touch natural stone or, if you are lucky to visit the five locations, a still living tree. If you see a hobo sleeping under the tree, please inform the nearest storm-trooper, who will attempt to fire violently into the man's torso, but somehow miss even though he's only 10 FEET AWAY.

edit Safety

Railings do not exist here, neither do they throughout much of known space. Stay away from ledges, platforms and gaping pits. Stay with crowds, the excited utterances of those on the far edges will warn you of any potential disaster, allowing you to dive dramatically behind a nearby newsstand, bright glowing advertisement or smelly, dirty alien.

edit See also

   v  d  e
Confirmed (Solar System): Sun | Mercury | Venus | Earth (The Moon) | Mars | Jupiter | Saturn | Uranus | Neptune
Confirmed (Extrasolar): Darwin IV | Discworld | Milky Way | Planet of the Apes | Planet Google | Planet Hollywood | Pizza Planet | Dystopia | Techneta | Roseanne
Dwarf planets: Pluto | 2003 UB313 | Jay Leno's Chin | Xanax
Unconfirmed: Garnox | Unicron
Denied by CIA and IAU: Neopia | MyAnus | YourAnus
In a galaxy far, far away: Alderaan | Coruscant | Tatooine | Kamino | Endor | Naboo | Bespin | Death Star
Members of the Federation: Vulcan | Qo'noS
Invisible Planets:
Personal tools