From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
A corpsearian, a person who has the unusual habit of eating animal corpses, gives various names to their found-object "food" choices to lighten-up the fact that they are chewing on a dead thing. Names like "roast beef", "Buffalo wings" and "pork" abound in the corpsearian community. Where they come up with these names is anyone's guess, but they've done pretty well in creating and promoting wordlike memes to semantically disguise the obvious.
Corpsearians - not your usual minority group - can be counted in the billions. Literally zillions of people seek out and eat other animals and call it "normal". Is it no wonder that every now and then an eyelash of a horse is found sticking out of a chicken niblet? Or a bone is left on a plate, and people in the kitchen actually have to look at it? A bone! We are getting into some strange down-the-rabbit-hole territory here, folks. A place where gentle cows and intelligent loving pigs are strung up on hooks with their insides hanging-out for their peers to see, dripping all over the place and causing quite a sticky mess.
The dedicated corpsearian, in short, belongs to a hive-mind occupied by people who purposely ask someone to put a dead thing in their soup. A twilight zone where people smash their humanity-button and sit down with a friend to actually put a corpse into their mouth! Don't tear out your eyes just yet, you're going to need them.
How the hell did this start?
Well, way back before time began, and people had to be polite to foreigners, an elderly mentally-ill man found a piece of a recently dead giant sloth and started to chew on it. After gagging and upchucking the guy then did something totally counter-intuitive: He put the corpse back into his mouth again! Holy Christ on a pogo stick! Was this guy even thinking or was he so addled with the stupid that he thought he was chewing on a really disgusting mushroom?
The next thing you know for sure is other people, even the untarded, copied this clown. Then, sensing there was big money in the practice, both retarded and slightly-tarded people who had the selfish-gene started to profit on death. Soon, with the proper advertising, almost everyone was chewing on what they now were calling "meat", a term previously reserved for food in general.
These guys could have named it Kwanza and it would have gone over just as famously. It was humanity's lucky day when the end of life for one living being was redefined as coin-in-the-purse for another. Some societies, for various reasons, drew the line at eating dogs, cats, rats, and worms.
And they keep on doing it
One reason corpsearians laugh in your face, spitting someone else's insides all over your best suit in the process, is that the corpsearian community has socially accepted built-in role models. Movies, television, and other social watering holes portray corpse eating as an everyday practice among starlets, heroes, and sports figures. Fans chew on spine, fat, and gristle before the big game, politicians serve the stuff during their State Dinners in the hope of catching more donation (a strange form of wildlife that they seek above all others), and cute little children use their cute little hands to stuff the cute bloody flesh of another animal into their lunch bags. There was even a true story once that the Polish Pope of all the Catholics, the holiest of the holies, Pope John Paul the Great Himself, was about to celebrate his 80th birthday. He had a big party, and requested that lobsters be served. Live lobsters, thrown into boiling water, to feed this guy and his minions on his birthday. A devil in a dress and penis hat? "Blow me," the lobsters would have said, if they could only speak or crawl down the aisle to attack this man of peace.
Brahmins are the upper-crust lip of the Indian caste system, and hundreds of thousands if not millions of them run around playing the uppity East Indian and mistreating their ladies as if the women had "Kick Me" signs taped to their backside. But perverts and other hippies say that these women - and many of the abusive men - cook the bestest food in the whole wide world! Why? Because they are all vegetarians! An entire caste of uppity tip-toppity people who have never eaten what corpsearians have named "meat". Why do you think they're dancing in all those east injun movies? Happy as clams (in the sea, not in the me).
One Brahmin gentleman who played pollywolly-doddle all the day with his lessers was Mohandas Gandhi, a fellow who gave a wide berth to meat. Crediting his non-corpsearian diet with fueling his ability to do nonviolent movements, Gandhi hitched up his loincloth, tied a piece of rope around Britain, and single-handedly hauled it out of India. This gave rise to the modern Sanskrit saying "If you can't eat 'em, loin 'em."
Not for long.
Nine Hundred Million corpse march
Chickens and shrimp and turkeys and pigs and ducks and salmon and possum and crabs and lambs and deers and cows and snakes (snakes?) and crayfish and pigeons and locust (locu...never mind) and monkeys, every day they march from the forests and the pens and the oceans straight into refrigerators, ovens, or woks. Then from there they find themselves on plates where forks and knives do their dirty work. And then they do it again the next day!
Where have all the flowers gone? Into the mouths of every-one. When will they ever learn? Right, that's gonna happen. Serve me up another rainforest, mister, and make it snappy.
In order to give death to creatures and lay a positive spin on the term "butcher", man improvised a bit and came up with large warehouses where red is this season's "in" color. Named after their inventor, Victor Slaughter, these abodes of mayhem and fairy dust (or are those entrails?) are like a giant mousetrap where cattle, hogs, and sheep are the mice, only with more bulk and furrier tails.
Holiday Corpse Frenzies
For many "normal" people a seasoned animal corpse lying dead on a plate brings back fond memories of dinner with the family, a sunlit picnic with an object of desire, or of that first visit to the local fast-food outlet with Dad for a Happy Meal. Bliss encased in ketchup, pickles, and sesame seeds sprinkled on cheap bread. Makes for a fancy lot of drolling and a bloody feast soaked in animal juice humorously called "gravy" or, in the case of squid, in its own ink.
Americans do their hardest to honor the historic day of their bonding with the natives with a feast of turkey - a bird the Indians thought of as one of their three holy birds. Now they are fatted up and unable to move more than six inches in either direction, and then are packed thousands to a pen in the most comfortable of slaughterhouse housing - but enough about the Indians. As for turkeys, have you ever met one in the wild? Lean and quick and ready to go toe-to-toe with both you and your big brother. That's why they were considered holy by the natives, something you'd never guess from looking at what's become of their tortured lot. Good work corpsearians, now maybe you can start on the eagles, the other white meat.
We now come to everyone's favorite holiday feast, a Christmas dinner of steak served rare and running ruby red with juicy inside-juice. Taste the sinew! The best parts of female bovine all cut up and seasoned, and the worse parts made into hot dogs and sausages. Baby Jesus himself would be chewing on the fatted calf and smiling like a retard at his mom's home cooking. For this is Christmas, a time to love your neighbors, to communicate with the dead, to sing of peace and joy, and to mercifully block out the silence of the lambs or the screams of the main course with some beautiful holiday music.
The Joy of Extinction
Alas, the one observable drawback of the bloodfood trend is that things disappear rather quickly. Take oysters, or tuna, or the Passenger Pigeon. Whether falling from the sky or floating on their back in the water, the extincted jump at the chance to enter stomachs other than their own.
This extinction fad has gone a long way to help most humans bypass that pesky liberal myth of evolution. Pretty soon elephants and lions and such won't be around to kick around. Even turtles and chimps and gorillas can't hold their breath long enough to avoid being the last of their species. Appetites and fast food francises being what they are, these soon-to-be former members of the animal kingdom are taking numbers to go the way of the dodo anyhow, and the sooner they pack their bags and get off our planet, the better.
The Wimpiness of the Long-Distance Vegetarian
So many people have eaten corpses, and then become unnecessarily-early corpses themselves, that the ground is full of them. The cycle of life for most humans is thusly shaped like a circle - a fat circle in most cases - with birth at one end, corpsearian in the middle, and then, you know. Never in the history of mankind have so many eaten so many. A few people have gone wimpy and stopped chewing burnt fat and charred organs, including Mike Tyson, Bill Clinton, Madonna, Paul McCartney, and maybe a hundred others.
It pains this page to even include these losers who stopped eating fleshcake, but the fairness doctrine and all those libel laws in Britain and Australia deem it so. The vegan hippie thugs over at Greenpeace who like to stir up trouble instead of stirring up a steaming dish of whale/platypus surf-'n-turf try to superiorize themselves by demeaning those of us who would rather rub a chicken breast than any other breast. So corpsearians are served best by moving along quickly and ignoring their insane ravings.
- ↑ Does "beef" refer to the rump or the ankles? Make mine a double!
- ↑ Come on, you gotta be kidding me. Buffaloes don't have wings. Are these people that confused?
- ↑ Although heart whippings, gouted community, strokes, and other ills do a number on about fifty thousand of them a day
- ↑ Tongue in cheek, literally!
- ↑ Babies have to be taught to chew on corpses, they usually get sick and their body rejects the poison the first time around the bases. Silly babies! Man up!
- ↑ a.k.a. Profit-motivated conscience-lacking peer-pressure with just a touch of the carrot-and-stick) and excellent business connections
- ↑ Every seasons, actually.
- ↑ Happy for who bucko, happy for who?
- ↑ Except for the unavoidable loss of prairies, forests, topsoil, and oceans, all destroyed in order to grow food for the led-to-the-slaughter future "food".
- ↑ Quite recently the most common bird in the skies, then the most common bird served with fries, now "I think I saw one in a museum once, with my own eyes!".
- ↑ Or they themselves are jumped when they least expect it, such as when they're chewing their cud or something.
- ↑ I saw one in a museum once, with my own eyes!
- ↑ An animal is born, humans decide to eat it.
- ↑ Brought on by acute protein starvation, no doubt. Silly vegans, they are missing out on the very best part of life - rump roast.