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“You see? We were going somewhere with that.”
“Ey Oop, Chuck!”
“Don't tell anyone, but we've been recycling the same plots for decades”
“Where else am I going to work?”
Coronation Street (known in t'local area as Corrie, Corro, The Corrs, or simply The Longest Running and Most Watched Soap Opera on British Television) has gone and won shedload o' awards at the Soap Oscars, including Loudest Fart of the Year, consistently won by Fred Elliot. We're always better than EastEnders of course.
It were first broadcast on 9 December 1960 back in t'day when all the world were smokey an' all black and white and that. We even had tellies wi'owt colour and toilet in back garden. It were made by Grenada Television. (Corrie I'm talkin' about, not toilet in back garden).
Our Dad would come home from t'pit, switch on telly of an evening, wait fer an hour while telly warmed up, and we'd sit in front of telly on wooden box, rememberin' not t'wriggle too much or we'd get splinter in us legs.
It were not only the programme to watch of a week, it were the only programme on. Folk in my street could only afford to watch one programme 'cos Our Dads couldn't afford to pay electric bills for watchin' "shite".
The only thing Our Mam didn't like about t'programme were it's over-the-top northern language and dialect; characters on Corrie were using terms like "eh, chuck?", "nowt", and "by 'eck!" when no bugger in their right mind uses talk like Ecky-Thump in real life.
Blimey ... what a shite show.
T'Rivalry Wi' 'T'other soap on t'BBC'
See, we had our programme on t'telly on Monday night at ha'past seven and Wednesday night at ha'past seven, for 24 year. Then they come along an' had their programme on Tuesday nights at ha'past seven and Thursday nights at ha'past seven. They were scared, 'cos we were more popular and more loved an they din't want to be up against us. We showed them who was boss by chucking in an extra episode on Fridays at ha' past seven. Then they got a bit o' the cocky cocknies about it and chucked an extra episode on Mondays at eight. So we bunged an extra episode on Sundays at ha' past seven Then they added t'other episode on a Friday at eight, which meant it started on telly after we finished. The bastards. So we put an episode after them on Mondays at ha' past eight. Ha! That showed 'em.
It is a good thing for the show that people are living longer, since most of their audience is over 90.
Coronation Street is set in a made-up, fictional, like, street in Manchesterland, Up north in England. The programme focuses on the lives of various simple folk wi' mortgages and cars, from the saucy Desperate Deirdre to the loveable Jack Duckworth. Regular storylines include folk popping t'shop fer food. Every couple of years, they have big clear out by droppin' plane on Street or drivin' a truck into local pub.
Each programme is made about a year before it's on telly, so if one of t'actors croaked it, you'd still be watching 'em on telly for about a year after they passed away. This confuses a lot o' folk, they read in t'paper that so-and-so behind the bar at t'Rover's Return has popped her clogs, but she can still be seen on telly. Our Mam thought it were another actor playing the part an' telly company were using Hollywood special effects, like superimposin' old actor's face over new actor's face. Our Nanna thought it were just dead body of actor bein' controlled by wires or summat.
Also, Our Nanna couldn't understand how it could be all sunny like on Corrie, but outside her window it were all raining like because she only lives 2 mile from studios. Mind you, our Nan refused to buy colour telly fer ten year 'cause she reckoned t'actors were better in Black and White
This series is set largely in a retirement home with rooms painted to look like a street.
EastEnders's Heather Troll all the way down in Walford farted causing a tram to fall of a bridge killing everyone...oh wait an EXPLOSION which everyone seems to have forgotten about.
Anyway, killed was loose-balled Ashley, Molly, and Charlotte the monkey. Oh yeah, don't forgot some random TAXI DRIVER who died.
|Ken Barlow||Is the oldest actor in the world, and best friends with the ghosts of erotic, post-modern writers. Married Deirdre six times in one year, and looks at the street like the greatest piece of art ever produced by the Victorians. The other characters look up to him like he's God.|
|Dennis Tanner||Returned as a tramp after about 40 years! Changed faces after meeting Rita and getting a makeover. Now constantly hangs around the Kabin.|
|Emily Bishop||Bible bashing hobo-lover. Was finally de-flowered by a Hungarian at the age of 37. Husband Ernest shot dead 30 year ago. Lucky beggar.Fell in love with Noris's brother, Joe Bloggs. Joe Bloggs developed a brain tumour because of the dreary god conversation he had with Emily night after night after night after night.|
|Rita Sullivan||Red headed cross-drssser, exotic dancer by night, newsagent by day. What is it with her and trams?|
|Peter Barlow||"Reformed" alcoholic with a tendency for revenge.|
|Deirdre Barlow||Super-Extra-marital darling of the Big Glasses brigade who used to look a librarian in her younger years, and quite something else as of present. Has unnaturally deep voice that leads people to suspect that she's either FTM or possessed. Loves Ken, but you know she'll leave him once a better looking guy shows an interest in her. Believes that r'Tracyluv is innocent of the murder for which she was jailed, despite Tracy having admitted doing it to her.|
|Gail Potter... I mean Tilsley...I mean Platt...I Mean Hillman....I mean McIntyre||Tortoise bunny-boiler who calls Emos' Emus', who actually looks like an emu when in a ruffle. Loses men chronically. Married four times, with three husbands dead and the other who moved away and now never visits his son. Her kids also have a tendency to change their faces and never visit after moving away.|
|Tracy Barlow||Currently portrayed by its 91st actor in the role. Not really related to Ken, spawned by Deirdre, who is deeply embarrassed about that. When she gets bored of a boyfriend she likes to murder them. Kate Ford, who currently plays Tracy, has the enviable reputation as being one of the worst actresses to have ever lived, having been kicked out of West Gorton's Am-Dram society in 1941 for being "too wooden" and for being "unable to say her lines without them sounding like she's reading them right off the script."|
|Audrey Roberts||Gail's Mam, hMM? hMM? who employs bitchy hairdressers who can only brush and mess with hair, not cut it. Glamour granny. Recent love interests include 90 year old prostitutes and cross-dressers.|
|Nick Tilsley||Our Nicky once left the Street for Canada for a few months before returning with a different face and a sudden six-pack. Then left. Then came back. Then left again. Then came back with a different face again. Currently due to leave again any day now.|
|Kevin Webster||Sweaty, dirty, hairy; but a hero. Spends most of his life under cars and women. Currently single, after finally deciding to trade Sally in for a younger model then changed his mind. Now Sally hates him, t'other woman is dead and he's been dumped with their sprog.|
|Sally Webster||Seriously, you would though wouldn't you?|
|Steve McDonald||Son of the Slag Queen, he just LOOKS like he has a "social disease" or three. Somehow really good at hooking women that are too good for him (Vicky, Karen) but deep down he's right at home with a slag (Becky) who puts his Dear Old Mum to shame. He has one of the largest recorded vocabularies with two spectacular words - FLIPPIN' HECK!|
|David Platt||Is said to be made up of many psychological disorders. Seems to have calmed down after being diagnosed with epilepsy which everyone seems to have forgotten about. Recently got married to Becky's sister Kylie before meeting her. Him and Kylie now got custody o' Max.|
|Rosie Webster||The only reason your dad watches this.|
|Tommy Duckworth||Turned up looking for granddad Jack after for some reason not being contacted about his death.|
|Norris Cole||Has the largest nose ever recorded for a molerat.|
|Sophie Webster||Local lesbian. Has the strongest Manchester accent on-screen. If you squint she looks a bit like a bloke.|
|Roy Cropper||Cardigan Wearer of the Year 2001. Also voted Best Dressed Man o' 1977 (In 1998). Hobbies include saying "Hello", and stuttering ancient knowledge under his breath. Likes bats and steam trains. "A simple orange juice" will suffice for Roy.|
|Hayley Cropper||Not female by birth - but by choice.|
|Leanne Battersby||Former hooker who was recently found by her long lost mother...looks like she was a hooker too!|
|Tyrone Dobbs||Fat meat-headed mechanic.|
|Dev Alahan||Local asian shopkeeper (every street has one) Eats scenery like it's chocolate. Has a child in pretty much every county in England, the mucky sod. Married Sunita and slept with Deirdre...tranny chaser extraordinaire!|
|Eileen Grimshaw||How many new family members!!!|
|Jason Grimshaw||Arrogant builder twat, has shagged every fit bird on the Street. The bastard.|
|Maria Connor||David's childhood crush. Mildly illiterate and acts like she's posh but if she were, she would know how to read and not be living in this Godforsaken street. Loves the fake tan in a can, even in January. Bitch, you're not Snooki. CARLA IS HER MORTAL ENEMY because Carla succeeds at everything Maria tries for.|
|Kirk Sutherland||Just a bit of low IQ comedy.|
|Sunita Alahan||Married to Dev, who apparently didn't mind the "Crying Game" twist. Once moved only a few miles away and yet for some reason didn't visit for years. Has the most handsome eyebrows out of all the men in the Street.|
|Fiz Brown||Like Gail, ginger Fiz got locked up for a murder she didn't commit. Has matured over the years from "fat and ugly" to "overweight and mildly uncomfortable to look at."|
|Chesney Brown||A ginger child despite the name, mothered by his grizzly-bear of a sister called Fiz. Recently popped his cherry and decided to start a family.|
|Sean Tully||Longest serving gay character. Started off as refreshingly funny, then over the years became 'GET THE FUCK OFF MY SCREEN' annoying. His actor was gifted with a chat show by ITV, which promptly crashed and burned.|
|Lloyd Mullaney||The last human being alive, having spent three million years in suspended animation. Has a thing for robots, rescuing strippers and crack. Currently working undercover as a taxi driver.|
|Amber Kalirai||One of Dev's children who thinks she's solid. Secretly failed at university.|
|Becky McDonald||Chavtastic! Married Steve shortly after a one-night-stand.|
|Carla Connor||The type of woman the word MILF was invented for. Black widow type, and the only successful, independent woman on the street - despite that, she has horrible luck with men. Her first husband died. Her next conquest was his brother who was married, then died. The second husband was a murderer, then died. Her most recent boyfriend was a violent rapist... who died. But hey that's Weatherwood for you. HER MORTAL ENEMY/SECRET SIST-EH is Maria.|
|Michelle Connor||Remember the dark haired one from Hear'Say? No, me neither. Like Liz, has a tendency to leave the show then return a little later.|
|Marcus Dent||Sean's boyfriend with a magic laptop which starts immediately. Wants to molest Sean's son Dylan.|
|Tina McIntyre||Best looking girl in the show. After breaking up with a boyfriend, she seems to only stay single for five minutes... but to be fair, that's probably what would happen anyway. She's that fit!|
|Julie Carp||Batty Julie turned out to be Eileen's sister. Poor Eileen. Looks like Sally Brown from the Peanuts comic strip if Sally were born with fetal alcohol syndrome. Prattles on Rain Man-like about dogs and birds. How she dresses herself in the morning is anyone's guess.|
|Simon Barlow||Cute kid with a higher IQ than Kirk. Makes old ladies watching go 'Aww!' whenever he says something clever/cheeky. A better actor than half the cast.|
|Anna Windass||MILF. Was happily married to Eddie until he decided to propose to her... wait, what? Now has a foster daughter called Faye and hooked up with 'Awen|
|Gary Windass||Chesney's big bro who was in the army.|
|Mary Taylor||Breaths heavily after every word. Lives in a magic campervan which moves all over the place.|
|Sian Powers||Shared a hot-lesbian kiss with Sophie Webster and now they are the shows first lesbian couple.|
|Aldi and Asda||Two of Dev's children who constantly run around everywhere wrecking the joint. Dev recently started bumming Aadi after he found out he had a talent for golf.|
|Izzy Armstrong||Feisty wheelchair user.|
|Owen Armstrong||Angry little builder who ALWAYS seems to have sweaty armpits. Had plastic surgery to make him look more like Ricky Gervais.|
|Katy Armstrong||Looks nothing like sister Izzy. Taken away lil Chesney's virginity.|
|Dr Carter||The only doctor available on the night of the tram crash. Takes patient confidentiality VERY seriously. When Tommy Duckworth experienced bottom pains, however, he made an exception.|
|Kylie Platt||Becky's sister. Left and came back as a bar of 'Candy' and got married to David before even meeting him. Now took up nail polishing. Her and David now got custody o' Max.|
|Faye Windass||Troubled child fostered by Anna. Has told the most lies of any young girl EVER. Hates Anna's new boyfriend Owen.|
|Sylvia Cropper||Roy's mum who locks people in toilets and charges £10000000 for a cup of tea in the cafe.|
|Stella Price||"Ey up, bah gum!" Leanne's long-lost mum. Uses the most fake sounding Northern accent ever.|
|Brian Packham||UFO obsessed teacher.|
|Kirsty Soames||Tyrone's new girlfriend, a bossy cop with a lazy eye. Leave Tina alone you b*tch!!!|
T'Order I'd Do The Fit Women On The Show
Beverly Callard - She may not be as young and pretty as some of t'other residents of t'street, but every guy watching knows she'd be filthier than t'bogs at t'Rovers and those jugs would make for some quality motor-boating.
Michelle Keegan - Good god, who wouldn't pump that?!
Helen Flanagan - Just imagine ploughing in and out of that!
Nikki Sanderson - Face of a 16yo, body of a 28yo
Suranne Jones - If nothing else but to see those huge titties bounce all over the place!
Tina O'Brien - Like giving it to your mate's younger sister
Kevin Webster - With Tache, obviously
Sally Whittaker - In the unlikely event that you can talk her into a four-way with her daughters
T'Our Ken Barlow Versus Mike Baldwin
Over t'years there's been a reet few tasty messins between the two Gods of Corrie. Most of these happened before were bought a Betamax video in late '80s. So I'm sorry if I'm remembering badly here:
- Ken sneaked into Mike's bathroom in t'middle of night and stretched clingfilm over t'toilet seat.
- Ken told everyone in Rovers that Mike had a cock like a chipolata.
- Mike tampered with Ken's message t'milkman. Ken ended up with 185 bottles o'milk on his doorstep next morning.
- Mike ingested crocodile eggs that had been slipped into his morning coffee. They come burstin' out his chest like John Hurt in t'Alien.
- As Mike lay unconscious in hospital, Ken filled his drip wi' urine.
- Ken kept phoning in fake pizza orders an' getting them sent to Mike's flat.
- Ken slipped Mike enough viagra to knock out 100 African Bull Elephants causing Mike to die of an erection-induced heart attack.
T' Rover's is most popular pub in t'street that people were most of t'exposition teks place. Beer is quite cheap in t'Rovers, and serves a much better head on pint than that Cockney dump, The Queen Vic in stinking London EastEnders.
The only food they sell there is Betty's hotpot, which the cast eat for Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner. All washed down with dark brown liquid.
The Manchesterland contribution to world cuisine, the infamous Hot Pot, invented by Betty Turpin in her own private laboratory is sold under the bar in t' Rovers. The dish has been known to strip paint from walls and it's gravy has nuclear half life of 25,000 years. The locals swear by it as a cure f'hangovers and Acne.
I tried their colgate toothpaste, the one with tartar control, and it made me feel like a PIECE OF SHIT!!
See also Pipe Cleaners and Enemas
T'Monday to Friday Daily Routine of an Adult Corrie Character
8am - 8.30am Shower
8.30am - 9.00am Breakfast (must be at Roy's Rolls)
9am - 11.00 pm Go to work
11am - 12pm Cake run
12pm - 12.30pm pint in the Rovers
12.30pm - 4pm work
4pm - 4.30pm pint in the Rovers
4.30pm - 6pm Go home get changed have tea (must be Bistro)
6pm - Midnight go get shit faced in the Rovers (about 50 pints)
Midnight - 2am bonk who ever they pulled at the Rovers
2am - 8am sleep
They all want t'be just like us. We're the original, like.
T'Foot(notes) of our stairs
- ↑ My Dad said this. It were his favourite word. That and 'Bollocks'
- ↑ Chris Tonks at the end of our street were the first in Manchester to get video. We'd all go round his house after tea and watch porn. Obviously.