From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Entertainment In England
The very first English film ever was "Shitty Shitty Bang Bang"-a documentary of an Unidentified Flying Object powered on and fueled by human faeces,which was why Brits abducted humans in the first place-TO HARVEST THEIR CRAP.
The blockbuster film "Reign of fire" tells the heroic tale of a brave ragtag bunch of Canadians in a futuristic post-apocalyptic world ruled by Brits and their mutant dragons who tried to survive but ended up getting murked.
"Horrid Henry" is apparently the only children's show that those pedophile Englishmen can come up with.
The United Kingdom film industry’s pathetic attempt at producing horror films has been chronicled throughout the millenia.Ranging from gaylien vampire crap like Lifeforce to zombie flops like 28 days later , 28 weeks later,28 years later,28 centuries later,28 millenia later(with real cyborg zombies) and the ever-popular “Shaun of the dead”.Not to mention a spiffing mental biography of a G(r)ay alien called "Paul",where they try to mislead humans by depicting their ruthless alien ancestor as a benign gray-skinned star-traveller with a lame Cockney accent. A film called ”Attack the block” is also a must-see for all of you who know that Brits aren’t of this realm and may summon demons from the cosmos merely to make Beckham shit his pants while being butt-raped by Gerard.
Are we alone in this Universe....?The answer’s no and the Brits are living proof of it.....Recent evidence has proven that the Greek Geek from Ancient Aliens is actually just a British immigrant with a fake & gay hairdo.
I WANT TO BELIEVE
The Good People of England have numerous genetic deformities such as overlong drooping faces,high cheekbones,hooked beak-like noses,uni-brows,copious growths of hair at the sides of their faces and yeah, NO NECKS.This had been the subject of much intellectual debate among scholars over the decades until it was revealed that these were merely the side-effects of their nation-wide inbreeding program.
Chavs are a more tough,violent and overall rather formidable new breed of Brits who love "murking" people and using vulgar Brit-slang,created by forcing humans to mate with Brits.....the resultant hybrids are stronger,smarter,faster and possess cutthroat street-survival skills normal Brits could only dream of.These abilities have an uncanny resemblance to the Uruk-Hai in "The Lord of the Rings",who are human-orc hybrids and ten times as badass as run-of-the-mill orcs.
One would wonder why "refined" folk such as Brits would engage in such morally degrading and cheap sexual activities,but the answer's really a no-brainer.....The Queen of England,having Insectoid as well as Reptilian DNA characteristics,can reproduce sexually as well as asexually and give birth to thousands of cloned Brits whom she stores in the termite-like ovary sac above her fat,wrinked royal bottom(OMFG,why didn't I say "butt"? (0_O) Am I becoming a Brit after they abducted me that night and injected me with their hybrid DNA?!?!?!)and extracts them using her 2 metre long royal probe.Each and every Brit in existence is the offspring of the Queen,telepathically linked to her hive mind and subservient to her will,which connects them all together as a collective consciousness to carry out her orders without question.
England's culinary delights are hopelessly bland in taste as well as aroma to anyone except Brits themselves,on account of them having thrice as many taste receptors as humans in those cum-holes that pass for their mouths,which also explains why all Englishmen have strange tastes.Such food items include Alligaytor stew,peanis soup,boiled broccolli,pot-belly roast,charred overcooked steak,Birmingham buns,haggis,escargot,etc.Brits are also rather fond of American Pie and have an insatiable craving for Whorecestershire sauce.
The staple diet of the people of England is Grue sperm,traditionally known as gruel and forever immortalized in Charles Dick-kens' famous play Oliver Twist.Despite being a mouth-watering exotic delicacy,it is recommended for its high nutritional value.
Beverages exclusive to England include Butterbeer,Firewhisky,Hog's mead,Hop-Scotch,Dale ale,Fag-gin,rum,cum and stale putrid golden piss.
England has a queer free society where Brits of all three sexes may intermingle and procreate.Awkwardness and overall geekiness are admirable traits in any self-respecting Englishman.Being highly Democratic in contrast to the Republic of Ireland,England's social norms and cultural etiquette put a great deal of stress and sexual frustration on its people,which eventually leads to mid-life crisis,homicidal tendencies,coming out of the closet and so on.Irish custom demands sexual intercourse with sheep,and Scotsmen go to bed with cattle or horses,but Brits fuck PIGS.Gay marriage is strongly encouraged and immensely popular(Unless you're a Prime Minister)among hormonal teens and 56-year olds,but lesbians are burned at stake.....a custom which made England infamous throughout the Medieval Dark Ages.To this day,masturbation in England is considered a criminal offence punishable by death.Or worse,castration.This is England,mate.Love it or Leave it.
A trait unique to all Englishmen is their piety.Nobody's atheist-that's the beauty of England.All Brits believe in some form of higher power,unlike those sheep-raping Irish heathens.The percentages of worshipers are as listed below:
32% Brits are devout followers of Hinduism and are Spiritual Sex-Slaves of the one and only Mahatma Gandhi.Through him,they aspire to attain the ultimate level of enlightenment and sexual salvation by castrating themselves to expiate all desires of the mortal flesh.Little do they know that Gandhi is none other than the reincarnation of Gollum......
15% Brits worship Satan and other dark powers.These Brits appear normal and even more polite than usual Brits,always good-natured smiling chaps,but you'll soon notice odd stuff like manicured lawns in the shape of the Pentagram and an Oujja board along with their Lego and Scrabble.
21% Brits worship their namesake Britney Spears and masturbate ritualistically while listening to her pathetic rhapsody"I think I did it again".
16% Brits worship Ayumi Hamasaki,the Divine Goddess of Yaoi.These Brits are outcasts even among their own countrymen,as they speak ''Engrish'' and are hardcore weeaboos.What sets Wapanese Brits apart from their own brethren and even their Asian counterparts,the Japs,is undoubtedry the fact that they robe to make anime caricatures of ariens,not to mention arien manga,arien XXX hentai and extraterrestriar cospray.That and the fact that being Engrishmen,they arways make comprete asshores of themserves when they attempt to pronounce Japanese phrases in Engrish and use a British accent at the same time.Brimey,humans raugh at them and carr them herr-spawns due to their berief that they hab no sour......so utterry hirarious,fam.It's broddy mentar,bruv!Konnichiwa,do you fancy some Rondon Sushi,brud?
49% Brits engage in rigorous alien worship , where they create their own crop-circles in open fields and light bonfires while screaming for their creators,the G(r)ay aliens, to return.Brits who pray to extraterrestrial beings for deliverance are classified into two main religious sects:-
The Raelist Catholic Church,who firmly believe that all Gods are Aliens but not all Aliens are Gods.
The Raelist Protestant Church,who firmly believe that all Aliens are Gods,but not all Gods are Aliens.
Other minority Raelist cults include the Raelist Orthodox,Raelist Dominican,Raelist Republic,Raelist Communists and Raelist Marxists,who are baptized through the holy communion of alien buttsex.The Pope of Israel has been known to excommunicate any infidel who commits blasphemy by denying the existence of extraterrestrial life.However,Brits answer only to the Spiritual Leader of England,the mysterious entity known only as Reverend P.Penisfeather.Many a valiant English knight has sought out the Holy Grael in an intergalactic quest that ultimately claimed his life.
Thanks to Raelism,Brits have begun to clone themselves using alien biogenetics and it's only a matter of time before they overrun and take over our planet by sheer strength in numbers!!!
25% Brits worship overrated footballers who are no different from those WWE "Superstars" and shamelessly strip on the football stands during their goal-induced orgasms.These desperate Brits are willing to sell their souls in exchange for the opportunity to get an autograph from these footballers,as well as polish their balls with their tongues.Prominent and revered football deities include David Beckham,Steven Gerrard,Christino Ronaldildo,Lionel Messi and Zinedine Zidane(yeah,that's right).
18% Brits worship Dalai Lama,famed and renowned throughout the Universe for being the founder of the Adult Film Industry. Need I go into the specifics?
What?!The total percentage adds up to more than a hundred?
Well,that's not hard to explain.The fact of the matter is,even as you're reading this,more Brits are being spawned through genetic cloning and Inbreeding.Why,even before you could say "Tinder and Flint" , there are precisely 666 more Brits being extracted from the DNA Cloning chambers,ready to make this world a worse place to live in.
Hauntings In England
England is undisputedly the most haunted country on Earth.....ever wondered how or why England is so famous for paranormal hot spots?
Brits,being neither human nor quite alien,but instead a bizarre misbegotten hybrid of both,have a supernatural dilemna after they die.Unlike Japs,Brits DO have a soul,well,if you could call it that anyway.So then,where do these mutant aberrations go after they die???NOWHERE-They never leave this plane to begin with!Neither Heaven nor Hell wants them because they weren't meant to be...and they just don't fit in anywhere.Thus,Brits are condemned to an existence of eternal Purgaytory after they die and are compelled to co-exist with the living while having a swell time haunting the crap of foreign kids and tourists who have a thing for creepy old gothic mansions.It is widely believed that the deceased far outnumber the living in England,aye,and with good reason too.
World Domination Campaign
As you all know,the Black Death ravaged across Europe in the Middle Ages,killing millions.The Bubonic plague,as it was officially known,was the result of direct contact with escaped lab rats who had been used as test subjects and injected with a genetically-engineered alien virus,created for the sole purpose of leaving human civilization crippled.Unlike Japs,Brits are rather easy to kill,partly because they don't have the ability to spontaneously regenerate lost limbs and shoot telekinetic laser beams from their eyes.The problem with Brits is.....they don't STAY dead.They either return from the grave with a vengeance to haunt the living,or they become Revenants.When Merlin got his depraved hands on the Necronomicon,he used its power to raise a vast undead legion of Englishmen,against whom no mortal army could ever hope to prevail.He even went on to summon a host of netherworldly monsters,the likes of which would make you shit your pants in bed and snuggle up to your mom,while you're sleeping with her.Undead orcs,undead trolls,undead Vikings,undead Indians,undead ninjas,undead Injas and other nightmarish creatures of the night.Eternal destruction was nigh for mankind.....but fate had other plans,for on that day Ash came to the rescue with an unstoppable army of Pocket Monsters who gave Merlin's army an ass-whuppin' and sent them crawling back to their holes.And on that day,all was well and mankind prevailed,all thanks to those little Poke-Porn stars.....
"GOTTA FUCK 'EM ALL,POKE-PORN !!!"
The Brits' most recent but failed attempt at world domination was hiring a whore named J.K Rowling to pervert the minds of children with her novels of Harry Potty and his escapades in Hogfarts School of Bitchcraft and Faggotry.It was a global mind-control tactic that made kids turn on their elders(kinda like "Children of the Corn",only this was all about porn instead).It was a nefarious scheme aimed to systematically divide and conquer mankind by brainwashing kids and convincing them that all Englishmen were of pure blood and lineage and that everyone else was a "Mudblood" or Mugger or whatever and that it was their sacred duty to slaughter them through genocide.If the Brits had their way,all the children would have butchered their own parents and then turned on each other,finally killing each other off and leaving Earth in the hands of the Brits.....However,when Dumbledore was finally revealed to be a fairy and the movies ended despite attempts to prolong them by making the last one a two-part film,the Harry Potty craze ended and all the children turned on the Brits instead,demanding more!A plan that completely backfired and yet another failed attempt at taking over Earth!Suck on that,Brits.
And what of the Original Brit???That SOB who started it all?!
Being the first of his kind,he bears the blessing/curse of immortality.It is rumored that the only weapon that can do him any harm is the fabled sword Excalibur,forged in the fires of Mordor and tempered in the sperm of a thousand trolls,aye,the very same legendary blade that was used to slay the Hydra,Leviathan,Bigfoot,Nessie,Snooki,The Big Show and so on.And as for his identity,he has used countless names over the ages,but you'll know him more popularly as Mr.Bean......
Anyway, let me get to the point :
I've been through dimensions and realms killing anything that seems even remotely English ( Better not try to act smart with your fucking English accent >:D ) and now I've set my sights on Earth.I'll slay any and every Englishman who crosses my path.That's just how I roll...or troll , whatever , WHO GIVES A FUCK ANYWAY?!
There isn't a single Brit on the face of the Earth who can stand up to my might!!!!!!!