Coronation Street

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{{British English}}
 
{{wikipedia}}
 
[[Image:Coronation Street .jpg|thumb|176px|Weatherfield is home to some of England's tallest cameramen.]]
 
{{Q|You see? We were going somewhere with that.|Coronation Street writer on public criticism}}
 
{{Q|Ey Oop, Chuck!|A [[Manchester|Manchesterland Resident]]|the wonders of the Universe}}
 
{{Q|Sound|A Manchesterland Resident|Sound}}
 
{{Q|Don't tell anyone, but we've been recycling the same plots for decades|Coronation Street writer}}
 
{{Q|Where else am I going to work?|William Roache|why he's still acting on Coronation Street after fifty years}}
 
'''Coronation Street''' (known in t'local area as '''Corrie''', '''Corro''', '''The Corrs''', or simply '''The Longest Running and Most Watched Soap Opera on British Television''') has gone and won [[Shed|shedload]] o' [[Comedy|awards]] at the Soap Oscars, including Loudest Fart of the Year, consistently won by Fred Elliot. We're always better than EastEnders of course.
 
   
It were first [[Television|broadcast]] on 9 [[December]] [[1960]] back in t'day when all the [[Poverty|world were smokey an' all black and white and that]]. We even had tellies wi'owt colour and [[toilet]] in back garden. It were made by Grenada Television. (Corrie I'm talkin' about, not toilet in back garden).
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== Entertainment In England ==
   
Our [[Dad]] would come home from [[Coal|t'pit]], switch on telly of an evening, wait fer an hour while telly warmed up, and we'd sit in front of telly on wooden box, rememberin' not t'wriggle too much or we'd get splinter in us legs.
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The very first English film ever was "Shitty Shitty Bang Bang"-a documentary of an Unidentified Flying Object powered on and fueled by human faeces,which was why Brits abducted humans in the first place-TO HARVEST THEIR CRAP.
   
It were not only the programme to watch of a week, it were the ''only'' programme on. Folk in my street could only afford to watch one programme 'cos Our Dads couldn't afford to pay [[Poor people|electric bills for watchin' "shite"]].<ref>My Dad said this. It were his favourite word. That and 'Bollocks'</ref>
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The blockbuster film "Reign of fire" tells the heroic tale of a brave ragtag bunch of Canadians in a futuristic post-apocalyptic world ruled by Brits and their mutant dragons who tried to survive but ended up getting murked.
   
The only thing Our [[Mother|Mam]] didn't like about t'programme were it's [[Silly|over-the-top]] [[Northern England|northern]] language and [[dialect]]; characters on Corrie were using terms like "eh, chuck?", "nowt", and "by 'eck!" when no bugger in their right mind uses talk like [[Ecky-Thump]] in real life.
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"Horrid Henry" is apparently the only children's show that those pedophile Englishmen can come up with.
   
Blimey ... what a shite show.
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The United Kingdom film industry’s pathetic attempt at producing horror films has been chronicled throughout the millenia.Ranging from gaylien vampire crap like Lifeforce to zombie flops like 28 days later , 28 weeks later,28 years later,28 centuries later,28 millenia later(with real cyborg zombies) and the ever-popular “Shaun of the dead”.Not to mention a spiffing mental biography of a G(r)ay alien called "Paul",where they try to mislead humans by depicting their ruthless alien ancestor as a benign gray-skinned star-traveller with a lame Cockney accent. A film called ”Attack the block” is also a must-see for all of you who know that Brits aren’t of this realm and may summon demons from the cosmos merely to make Beckham shit his pants while being butt-raped by Gerard.
   
==T'Rivalry Wi' [[EastEnders|'T'other soap on t'BBC']]==
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Are we alone in this Universe....?The answer’s no and the Brits are living proof of it.....Recent evidence has proven that the Greek Geek from Ancient Aliens is actually just a British immigrant with a fake & gay hairdo.
[[Image:reykjavikcity.jpg|thumb|left|Toytown version of Corrie titles.]]
 
See, we had our programme on t'telly on [[Monday]] night at ha'past seven and [[Wednesday]] night at ha'past seven, for 24 year. Then they come along an' had their programme on [[Tuesday]] nights at ha'past seven and [[Thursday]] nights at ha'past seven. They were scared, 'cos we were more popular and more loved an they din't want to be up against us. We showed them who was boss by chucking in an extra episode on Fridays at ha' past seven. Then they got a bit o' the [[London|cocky cocknies]] about it and chucked an extra episode on Mondays at eight. So ''we'' bunged an extra episode on Sundays at ha' past seven Then they added t'other episode on a [[Friday]] at eight, which meant it started on telly after we finished. The [[London|bastards]]. So ''we'' put an episode after ''them'' on Mondays at ha' past eight. Ha! That showed 'em.
 
   
It is a good thing for the show that people are living longer, since most of their audience is over 90.
 
   
==T'Setting==
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'''I WANT TO BELIEVE'''
[[Image:Coronation Street.jpg|thumb|176px|T'producers pushed boat out fer t'Silver Jubilee episode in '77.]]
 
Coronation Street is set in a made-up, [[Fictionology|fictional]], like, street in Manchesterland, Up north in [[England]]. The programme focuses on the lives of various [[Thickest Person In The World Contest| simple folk]] wi' mortgages and cars, from the saucy Desperate Deirdre to the loveable Jack Duckworth. Regular storylines include folk popping t'shop fer food. Every couple of years, they have big clear out by droppin' plane on Street or drivin' a truck into local pub.
 
   
   
==T'Filming==
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== Racial Features ==
Each programme is made about a year before it's on telly, so if one of t'actors croaked it, you'd still be watching 'em on telly for about a [[year]] after they passed away. This confuses a lot o' [[folk]], they read in t'paper that so-and-so behind the bar at t'Rover's Return has popped her clogs, but she can still be seen on telly. Our Mam thought it were another [[actor]] playing the part an' telly company were using Hollywood special effects, like superimposin' old actor's [[face]] over new actor's face. Our Nanna thought it were just [[dead]] body of actor bein' controlled by wires or summat.
 
   
Also, Our Nanna couldn't understand how it could be all sunny like on Corrie, but outside her window it were all raining like because she only lives 2 mile from studios. Mind you, our Nan refused to buy [[colour]] telly fer ten year 'cause she reckoned t'actors were better in [[Black]] and [[White]]
 
   
This series is set largely in a retirement home with rooms painted to look like a street.
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The Good People of England have numerous genetic deformities such as overlong drooping faces,high cheekbones,hooked beak-like noses,uni-brows,copious growths of hair at the sides of their faces and yeah, NO NECKS.This had been the subject of much intellectual debate among scholars over the decades until it was revealed that these were merely the side-effects of their nation-wide inbreeding program.
   
==T'Tram Crash==
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Chavs are a more tough,violent and overall rather formidable new breed of Brits who love "murking" people and using vulgar Brit-slang,created by forcing humans to mate with Brits.....the resultant hybrids are stronger,smarter,faster and possess cutthroat street-survival skills normal Brits could only dream of.These abilities have an uncanny resemblance to the Uruk-Hai in "The Lord of the Rings",who are human-orc hybrids and ten times as badass as run-of-the-mill orcs.
[[EastEnders]]'s Heather Troll all the way down in Walford farted causing a tram to fall of a bridge killing everyone...oh wait an EXPLOSION which everyone seems to have forgotten about.
 
   
Anyway, killed was loose-balled Ashley, Molly, and Charlotte the monkey. Oh yeah, don't forgot some random TAXI DRIVER who died.
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One would wonder why "refined" folk such as Brits would engage in such morally degrading and cheap sexual activities,but the answer's really a no-brainer.....The Queen of England,having Insectoid as well as Reptilian DNA characteristics,can reproduce sexually as well as asexually and give birth to thousands of cloned Brits whom she stores in the termite-like ovary sac above her fat,wrinked royal bottom(OMFG,why didn't I say "butt"? (0_O) Am I becoming a Brit after they abducted me that night and injected me with their hybrid DNA?!?!?!)and extracts them using her 2 metre long royal probe.Each and every Brit in existence is the offspring of the Queen,telepathically linked to her hive mind and subservient to her will,which connects them all together as a collective consciousness to carry out her orders without question.
   
==T'Current Characters==
 
{| class="wikitable"
 
|- bgcolor="#CCCCCC"
 
|-
 
|'''[[Ken Barlow]]''' || Is the oldest actor in the world, and best friends with the ghosts of erotic, post-modern writers. Married Deirdre [[six]] times in one year, and looks at the street like the greatest piece of art ever produced by the Victorians. The other characters look up to him like he's God.
 
|-
 
|'''Dennis Tanner''' || Returned as a tramp after about 40 years! Changed faces after meeting Rita and getting a makeover. Now constantly hangs around the Kabin.
 
|-
 
|'''Emily Bishop''' || [[Bible]] bashing hobo-lover. Was finally [[Virginity|de-flowered]] by a Hungarian at the age of 37. [[Husband]] Ernest shot dead 30 year ago. Lucky beggar.Fell in love with Noris's brother, Joe Bloggs. Joe Bloggs developed a brain tumour because of the dreary god conversation he had with Emily night after night after night after night.
 
|-
 
|'''Rita Sullivan''' || [[Red]] headed cross-drssser, [[stripper|exotic dancer]] by night, newsagent by day. What is it with her and trams?
 
|-
 
|'''[[alcoholic|Peter Barlow]]''' || "Reformed" alcoholic with a tendency for revenge.
 
|-
 
|-
 
|'''[[man|Deirdre Barlow]]''' || Super-Extra-marital darling of the [[Elton John|Big Glasses brigade]] who used to look a librarian in her younger years, and quite something else as of present. Has unnaturally deep voice that leads people to suspect that she's either FTM or possessed. Loves Ken, but you know she'll leave him once a better looking guy shows an interest in her. Believes that r'Tracyluv is innocent of the murder for which she was jailed, despite Tracy having admitted doing it to her.
 
|-
 
|'''[[emu|Gail Potter... I mean Tilsley...I mean Platt...I Mean Hillman....I mean McIntyre]]''' || [[Tortoise]] bunny-boiler who calls [[Emo]]s' Emus', who actually looks like an emu when in a ruffle. Loses men chronically. Married four times, with three husbands dead and the other who moved away and now never visits his son. Her kids also have a tendency to change their faces and never visit after moving away.
 
|-
 
|'''Tracy Barlow'''|| Currently portrayed by its 91st actor in the role. Not really related to Ken, spawned by Deirdre, who is deeply embarrassed about that. When she gets bored of a boyfriend she likes to murder them. Kate Ford, who currently plays Tracy, has the enviable reputation as being one of the worst actresses to have ever lived, having been kicked out of West Gorton's Am-Dram society in 1941 for being "too wooden" and for being "unable to say her lines without them sounding like she's reading them right off the script."
 
|-
 
|'''Audrey Roberts''' || Gail's Mam, hMM? hMM? who employs bitchy hairdressers who can only brush and mess with hair, not cut it. Glamour granny. Recent love interests include 90 year old prostitutes and cross-dressers.
 
|-
 
|'''Nick Tilsley''' || Our Nicky once left the Street for Canada for a few months before returning with a different face and a sudden six-pack. Then left. Then came back. Then left again. Then came back with a different face again. Currently due to leave again any day now.
 
|-
 
|'''Kevin Webster''' || Sweaty, dirty, hairy; but a [[hero]]. Spends most of his life under cars and [[Womankind|women]]. Currently single, after finally deciding to trade Sally in for a younger model then changed his mind. Now Sally hates him, t'other woman is dead and he's been dumped with their sprog.
 
|-
 
|'''Sally Webster''' || Seriously, you would though wouldn't you?
 
|-
 
|'''Steve McDonald''' || Son of the Slag Queen, he just LOOKS like he has a "[[Sexually transmitted disease|social disease]]" or three. Somehow really good at hooking women that are too good for him (Vicky, Karen) but deep down he's right at home with a slag (Becky) who puts his Dear Old Mum to shame. He has one of the largest recorded vocabularies with two spectacular words - FLIPPIN' HECK!
 
|-
 
|'''[[Weasel|David Platt]]''' || Is said to be made up of many psychological disorders. Seems to have calmed down after being diagnosed with epilepsy which everyone seems to have forgotten about. Recently got married to Becky's sister Kylie before meeting her. Him and Kylie now got custody o' Max.
 
|-
 
|'''Rosie Webster''' || The only reason your [[dad]] watches this.
 
|-
 
|'''Tommy Duckworth''' || Turned up looking for granddad Jack after for some reason not being contacted about his death.
 
|-
 
|'''[[mole|Norris Cole]]''' || Has the largest nose ever recorded for a molerat.
 
|-
 
|'''Sophie Webster'''|| Local lesbian. Has the strongest Manchester accent on-screen. If you squint she looks a bit like a bloke.
 
|-
 
|'''Roy Cropper''' ||Cardigan Wearer of the Year 2001. Also voted Best Dressed Man o' [[1977]] (In 1998). Hobbies include saying "''Hello''", and stuttering ancient knowledge under his breath. Likes bats and steam trains. "A simple orange juice" will suffice for Roy.
 
|-
 
|'''[[tranny|Hayley Cropper]]''' || Not female by birth - but by choice.
 
|-
 
|'''[[prostitute|Leanne Battersby]]''' || Former hooker who was recently found by her long lost mother...looks like she was a hooker too!
 
|-
 
|'''Tyrone Dobbs''' || [[Fat]] meat-headed [[Dumbo the Elephant|mechanic]].
 
|-
 
|'''Dev Alahan'''|| Local asian shopkeeper (every street has one) Eats scenery like it's chocolate. Has a child in pretty much every county in England, the mucky sod. Married Sunita and slept with Deirdre...[[tranny|tranny chaser]] extraordinaire!
 
|-
 
|'''Eileen Grimshaw''' || How many new family members!!!
 
|-
 
|'''Jason Grimshaw''' ||Arrogant builder [[twat]], has shagged every fit bird on the Street. The bastard.
 
|-
 
|'''Maria Connor''' || David's childhood crush. Mildly illiterate and acts like she's posh but if she were, she would know how to read and not be living in this Godforsaken street. Loves the fake tan in a can, even in January. Bitch, you're not Snooki. CARLA IS HER MORTAL ENEMY because Carla succeeds at everything Maria tries for.
 
|-
 
|'''[[stupid|Kirk Sutherland]]''' || Just a bit of low IQ comedy.
 
|-
 
|'''Sunita Alahan'''|| Married to Dev, who apparently didn't mind the "Crying Game" twist. Once moved only a few miles away and yet for some reason didn't visit for years. Has the most handsome eyebrows out of all the men in the Street.
 
|-
 
|'''[[ginger|Fiz Brown]]''' || Like Gail, ginger Fiz got locked up for a murder she didn't commit. Has matured over the years from "fat and ugly" to "overweight and mildly uncomfortable to look at."
 
|-
 
|'''Chesney Brown''' || A [[ginger]] child despite the name, mothered by his grizzly-bear of a sister called Fiz. Recently popped his cherry and decided to start a family.
 
|-
 
|'''[[camp|Sean Tully]]''' || Longest serving [[gay]] character. Started off as refreshingly funny, then over the years became 'GET THE FUCK OFF MY SCREEN' annoying. His actor was gifted with a chat show by ITV, which promptly crashed and burned.
 
|-
 
|'''[[Dave Lister|Lloyd Mullaney]]''' || [[Red Dwarf|The last human being alive]], having spent three million years in suspended animation. Has a thing for [[Robots|robots]], rescuing strippers and crack. Currently working undercover as a taxi driver.
 
|-
 
|'''Amber Kalirai''' || One of Dev's children who thinks she's solid. Secretly failed at university.
 
|-
 
|'''[[chav|Becky McDonald]]''' || Chavtastic! Married Steve shortly after a one-night-stand.
 
|-
 
|'''Carla Connor''' || The type of woman the word MILF was invented for. Black widow type, and the only successful, independent woman on the street - despite that, she has horrible luck with men. Her first husband died. Her next conquest was his brother who was married, then died. The second husband was a murderer, then died. Her most recent boyfriend was a violent rapist... who died. But hey that's Weatherwood for you. HER MORTAL ENEMY/SECRET SIST-EH is Maria.
 
|-
 
|'''Michelle Connor''' ||Remember the dark haired one from Hear'Say? No, me neither. Like Liz, has a tendency to leave the show then return a little later.
 
|-
 
|'''Marcus Dent''' || Sean's boyfriend with a magic laptop which starts immediately. Wants to molest Sean's son Dylan.
 
|-
 
|'''[[sexy|Tina McIntyre]]''' || Best looking girl in the show. After breaking up with a boyfriend, she seems to only stay single for five minutes... but to be fair, that's probably what would happen anyway. She's that fit!
 
|-
 
|'''Julie Carp''' || Batty Julie turned out to be Eileen's sister. Poor Eileen. Looks like Sally Brown from the ''Peanuts'' comic strip if Sally were born with fetal alcohol syndrome. Prattles on ''Rain Man''-like about dogs and birds. How she dresses herself in the morning is anyone's guess.
 
|-
 
|'''Simon Barlow''' || Cute kid with a higher IQ than Kirk. Makes old ladies watching go 'Aww!' whenever he says something clever/cheeky. A better actor than half the cast.
 
|-
 
|'''[[milf|Anna Windass]]''' || MILF. Was happily married to Eddie until he decided to propose to her... wait, what? Now has a foster daughter called Faye and hooked up with 'Awen
 
|-
 
|'''Gary Windass''' || Chesney's big bro who was in the army.
 
|-
 
|'''Mary Taylor''' || Breaths heavily after every word. Lives in a magic campervan which moves all over the place.
 
|-
 
|'''Sian Powers''' || Shared a hot-lesbian kiss with Sophie Webster and now they are the shows first lesbian couple.
 
|-
 
|'''[[hyper|Aldi and Asda]]''' || Two of Dev's children who constantly run around everywhere wrecking the joint. Dev recently started bumming Aadi after he found out he had a talent for golf.
 
|-
 
|'''Izzy Armstrong''' || Feisty wheelchair user.
 
|-
 
|'''Owen Armstrong''' || Angry little builder who ALWAYS seems to have sweaty armpits. Had plastic surgery to make him look more like [[Ricky Gervais]].
 
|-
 
|'''Katy Armstrong''' || Looks nothing like sister Izzy. Taken away lil Chesney's virginity.
 
|-
 
|'''Dr Carter''' || The only doctor available on the night of the tram crash. Takes patient confidentiality VERY seriously. When Tommy Duckworth experienced bottom pains, however, he made an exception.
 
|-
 
|'''Kylie Platt''' || Becky's sister. Left and came back as a bar of 'Candy' and got married to David before even meeting him. Now took up nail polishing. Her and David now got custody o' Max.
 
|-
 
|'''[[brat|Faye Windass]]'''|| Troubled child fostered by Anna. Has told the most lies of any young girl EVER. Hates Anna's new boyfriend Owen.
 
|-
 
|'''Sylvia Cropper''' || Roy's mum who locks people in toilets and charges £10000000 for a cup of tea in the cafe.
 
|-
 
|'''Stella Price''' || ''"Ey up, bah gum!"'' Leanne's long-lost mum. Uses the most fake sounding Northern accent ever.
 
|-
 
|'''Brian Packham''' || UFO obsessed teacher.
 
|-
 
|'''Kirsty Soames''' || Tyrone's new girlfriend, a bossy cop with a lazy eye. Leave Tina alone you b*tch!!!
 
|}
 
   
== T'Order I'd Do The Fit Women On The Show ==
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== Cuisine ==
Michelle Keegan - Good god, who wouldn't pump that?!
 
   
Helen Flanagan - Just imagine ploughing in and out of that!
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England's culinary delights are hopelessly bland in taste as well as aroma to anyone except Brits themselves,on account of them having thrice as many taste receptors as humans in those cum-holes that pass for their mouths,which also explains why all Englishmen have strange tastes.Such food items include Alligaytor stew,peanis soup,boiled broccolli,pot-belly roast,charred overcooked steak,Birmingham buns,haggis,escargot,etc.Brits are also rather fond of American Pie and have an insatiable craving for Whorecestershire sauce.
   
Nikki Sanderson - Face of a 16yo, body of a 28yo
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The staple diet of the people of England is [[Grue]] sperm,traditionally known as gruel and forever immortalized in Charles Dick-kens' famous play Oliver Twist.Despite being a mouth-watering exotic delicacy,it is recommended for its high nutritional value.
   
Suranne Jones - If nothing else but to see those huge titties bounce all over the place!
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Beverages exclusive to England include Butterbeer,Firewhisky,Hog's mead,Hop-Scotch,Dale ale,Fag-gin,rum,cum and stale putrid golden piss.
   
Tina O'Brien - Like giving it to your mate's younger sister
 
   
Kevin Webster - With Tache, obviously
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== Culture ==
   
Sally Whittaker - In the unlikely event that you can talk her into a four-way with her daughters
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England has a {{C|queer}} free society where Brits of all three sexes may intermingle and procreate.Awkwardness and overall geekiness are admirable traits in any self-respecting Englishman.Being highly Democratic in contrast to the Republic of Ireland,England's social norms and cultural etiquette put a great deal of stress and sexual frustration on its people,which eventually leads to mid-life crisis,homicidal tendencies,coming out of the closet and so on.Irish custom demands sexual intercourse with sheep,and Scotsmen go to bed with cattle or horses,but Brits fuck PIGS.Gay marriage is strongly encouraged and immensely popular(Unless you're a Prime Minister)among hormonal teens and 56-year olds,but lesbians are burned at stake.....a custom which made England infamous throughout the Medieval Dark Ages.To this day,[[masturbation]] in England is considered a criminal offence punishable by death.Or worse,castration.This is England,mate.Love it or Leave it.
   
== T'Our Ken Barlow [[Practical jokes|Versus]] Mike Baldwin ==
 
Over t'years there's been a reet few [[Fight|tasty messins]] between the two Gods of Corrie. Most of these happened before were bought a [[Betamax|Betamax]] video in late '80s.<ref>Chris Tonks at the end of our street were the first in [[Madchester|Manchester]] to get video. We'd all go round his house after tea and watch [[porn]]. Obviously.</ref> So I'm sorry if I'm remembering badly here:
 
   
* Ken sneaked into Mike's bathroom in t'middle of night and stretched clingfilm over t'toilet seat.
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== Religion ==
* Ken told everyone in Rovers that Mike had a [[cock]] like a chipolata.
 
* Mike tampered with Ken's message t'milkman. Ken ended up with 185 bottles o'milk on his doorstep next morning.
 
* Mike ingested [[Crocodile|crocodile]] eggs that had been slipped into his morning [[coffee]]. They come burstin' out his chest like [[Jon Voight|John Hurt]] in [[Alien|t'Alien]].
 
* As Mike lay [[Coma|unconscious]] in [[hospital]], Ken filled his drip wi' [[Piss|urine]].
 
* Ken kept phoning in fake [[pizza]] orders an' getting them sent to Mike's flat.
 
* Ken slipped Mike enough [[Viagra|viagra]] to knock out 100 [[Obesity|African Bull Elephants]] causing Mike to die of an [[Hard On|erection-induced]] heart attack.
 
   
== T'Rovers Return ==
 
'''T' Rover's''' is most popular pub in t'street that people were most of t'exposition teks place. Beer is quite cheap in t'Rovers, and serves a much better head on pint than that [[Rough Pubs|Cockney dump]], The Queen Vic in stinking London [[EastEnders]].
 
 
[[Image:Uglyghy.jpg|right|thumb|180px|The winner of 'Rovers Barmaid of the Millennium']]
 
   
The only food they sell there is Betty's hotpot, which the cast eat for Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner. All washed down with dark brown liquid.
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A trait unique to all Englishmen is their piety.Nobody's atheist-that's the beauty of England.All Brits believe in some form of higher power,unlike those sheep-raping Irish heathens.The percentages of worshipers are as listed below:
   
The Rover's were setting for most popular episode in history of t'show, 1998's classic [[Karaoke]] and [[Gangsta Chess]] storyline.
 
   
== T'Betty's Hotpot ==
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32% Brits are devout followers of Hinduism and are Spiritual Sex-Slaves of the one and only Mahatma Gandhi.Through him,they aspire to attain the ultimate level of enlightenment and sexual salvation by castrating themselves to expiate all desires of the mortal flesh.Little do they know that Gandhi is none other than the reincarnation of Gollum......
The Manchesterland contribution to world cuisine, the infamous Hot Pot, invented by Betty Turpin in her own [[Mad Scientist|private laboratory]] is sold under the bar in t' Rovers. The dish has been known to strip paint from walls and it's gravy has nuclear half life of 25,000 years. The locals swear by it as a cure f'[[Hangover|hangovers]] and [[Acne]].
 
   
In recent years, the name 'Betty's Hot Pot' has also become synonymous wi' [[Sexual Crimes and Perversions Act of 2007|sexual position]]. But no one round 'ere's [[Virginity|done it yet]].
 
   
I tried their colgate toothpaste, the one with tartar control, and it made me feel like a PIECE OF SHIT!!
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15% Brits worship Satan and other dark powers.These Brits appear normal and even more polite than usual Brits,always good-natured smiling chaps,but you'll soon notice odd stuff like manicured lawns in the shape of the Pentagram and an Oujja board along with their Lego and Scrabble.
   
See also '''Pipe Cleaners''' and '''[[Analysis|Enemas]]'''
 
== T'Monday to Friday Daily Routine of an Adult Corrie Character ==
 
8am - 9am Breakfast, Shower
 
   
9am - 12 pm Go to work
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21% Brits worship their namesake Britney Spears and masturbate ritualistically while listening to her pathetic rhapsody"I think I did it again".
   
12pm - 12.30pm pint in the Rovers
 
   
12.30pm - 4pm work
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16% Brits worship Ayumi Hamasaki,the Divine Goddess of Yaoi.These Brits are outcasts even among their own countrymen,as they speak [[''Engrish'']] and are hardcore [[weeaboos]].What sets Wapanese Brits apart from their own brethren and even their Asian counterparts,the Japs,is undoubtedry the fact that they robe to make anime caricatures of ariens,not to mention arien manga,arien XXX [[hentai]] and extraterrestriar cospray.That and the fact that being Engrishmen,they arways make comprete asshores of themserves when they attempt to pronounce Japanese phrases in Engrish and use a British accent at the same time.Brimey,humans raugh at them and carr them herr-spawns due to their berief that they hab no sour......so utterry hirarious,fam.It's broddy mentar,bruv!Konnichiwa,do you fancy some Rondon Sushi,brud?
   
4pm - 4.30pm pint in the Rovers
 
   
4.30pm - 6pm Go home get changed have tea.
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[[Image:Jeezus.png|thumb|right|250px|'''The Messiah of England''']]
   
6pm - 12am go get shit faced in the Rovers (about 50 pints)
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49% Brits engage in rigorous alien worship , where they create their own crop-circles in open fields and light bonfires while screaming for their creators,the G(r)ay aliens, to return.Brits who pray to extraterrestrial beings for deliverance are classified into two main religious sects:-
   
12 am - 2pm bonk who ever they pulled at the Rovers
+
The Raelist Catholic Church,who firmly believe that all Gods are Aliens but not all Aliens are Gods.
   
2pm - 8am sleep
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The Raelist Protestant Church,who firmly believe that all Aliens are Gods,but not all Gods are Aliens.
   
==T'wats==
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Other minority Raelist cults include the Raelist Orthodox,Raelist Dominican,Raelist Republic,Raelist Communists and Raelist Marxists,who are baptized through the holy communion of alien buttsex.The Pope of Is'''rael''' has been known to excommunicate any infidel who commits blasphemy by denying the existence of extraterrestrial life.However,Brits answer only to the Spiritual Leader of England,the mysterious entity known only as Reverend P.Penisfeather.Many a valiant English knight has sought out the Holy Grael in an intergalactic quest that ultimately claimed his life.
*[[Hollyoaks]]
 
*[[Emmerdale]]
 
*[[EastEnders]]
 
   
They all want t'be just like us. We're the original, like.
+
Thanks to Raelism,Brits have begun to clone themselves using alien biogenetics and it's only a matter of time before they overrun and take over our planet by sheer strength in numbers!!!
   
==T'Foot(notes) of our stairs==
 
<references/>
 
   
==T'External links==
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25% Brits worship overrated footballers who are no different from those WWE "Superstars" and shamelessly strip on the football stands during their goal-induced orgasms.These desperate Brits are willing to sell their souls in exchange for the opportunity to get an autograph from these footballers,as well as polish their balls with their tongues.Prominent and revered football deities include David Beckham,Steven Gerrard,Christino Ronaldildo,Lionel Messi and Zinedine Zidane(yeah,that's right).
*[http://www.itv.com/page.asp?partid=91 Official site... I think]
 
   
{{UnMedia}}
 
   
{{Lancashire}}
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18% Brits worship Dalai Lama,famed and renowned throughout the Universe for being the founder of the Adult Film Industry. Need I go into the specifics?
   
[[Category:British television programmes]]
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[[Category:Articles written in the first person]]
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What?!The total percentage adds up to more than a hundred?
[[Category:Articles about a subject written in the style of fans of the subject]]
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Well,that's not hard to explain.The fact of the matter is,even as you're reading this,more Brits are being spawned through genetic cloning and Inbreeding.Why,even before you could say "Tinder and Flint" , there are precisely 666 more Brits being extracted from the DNA Cloning chambers,ready to make this world a worse place to live in.
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== Hauntings In England ==
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England is undisputedly the most haunted country on Earth.....ever wondered how or why England is so famous for paranormal hot spots?
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Brits,being neither human nor quite alien,but instead a bizarre misbegotten hybrid of both,have a supernatural dilemna after they die.Unlike Japs,Brits DO have a soul,well,if you could call it that anyway.So then,where do these mutant aberrations go after they die???NOWHERE-They never leave this plane to begin with!Neither Heaven nor Hell wants them because they weren't meant to be...and they just don't fit in anywhere.Thus,Brits are condemned to an existence of eternal Purgaytory after they die and are compelled to co-exist with the living while having a swell time haunting the crap of foreign kids and tourists who have a thing for creepy old gothic mansions.It is widely believed that the deceased far outnumber the living in England,aye,and with good reason too.
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== World Domination Campaign ==
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As you all know,the Black Death ravaged across Europe in the Middle Ages,killing millions.The Bubonic plague,as it was officially known,was the result of direct contact with escaped lab rats who had been used as test subjects and injected with a genetically-engineered alien virus,created for the sole purpose of leaving human civilization crippled.Unlike Japs,Brits are rather easy to kill,partly because they don't have the ability to spontaneously regenerate lost limbs and shoot telekinetic laser beams from their eyes.The problem with Brits is.....they don't STAY dead.They either return from the grave with a vengeance to haunt the living,or they become Revenants.When Merlin got his depraved hands on the Necronomicon,he used its power to raise a vast undead legion of Englishmen,against whom no mortal army could ever hope to prevail.He even went on to summon a host of netherworldly monsters,the likes of which would make you shit your pants in bed and snuggle up to your mom,while you're sleeping with her.Undead orcs,undead trolls,undead Vikings,undead Indians,undead ninjas,undead Injas and other nightmarish creatures of the night.Eternal destruction was nigh for mankind.....but fate had other plans,for on that day Ash came to the rescue with an unstoppable army of Pocket Monsters who gave Merlin's army an ass-whuppin' and sent them crawling back to their holes.And on that day,all was well and mankind prevailed,all thanks to those little Poke-Porn stars.....
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"''GOTTA FUCK 'EM ALL,POKE-PORN !!!''"
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The Brits' most recent but failed attempt at world domination was hiring a whore named J.K Rowling to pervert the minds of children with her novels of Harry Potty and his escapades in Hogfarts School of Bitchcraft and Faggotry.It was a global mind-control tactic that made kids turn on their elders(kinda like "Children of the Corn",only this was all about porn instead).It was a nefarious scheme aimed to systematically divide and conquer mankind by brainwashing kids and convincing them that all Englishmen were of pure blood and lineage and that everyone else was a "Mudblood" or Mugger or whatever and that it was their sacred duty to slaughter them through genocide.If the Brits had their way,all the children would have butchered their own parents and then turned on each other,finally killing each other off and leaving Earth in the hands of the Brits.....However,when Dumbledore was finally revealed to be a fairy and the movies ended despite attempts to prolong them by making the last one a two-part film,the Harry Potty craze ended and all the children turned on the Brits instead,demanding more!A plan that completely backfired and yet another failed attempt at taking over Earth!Suck on that,Brits.
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And what of the Original Brit???That SOB who started it all?!
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Being the first of his kind,he bears the blessing/curse of immortality.It is rumored that the only weapon that can do him any harm is the fabled sword Excalibur,forged in the fires of Mordor and tempered in the sperm of a thousand trolls,aye,the very same legendary blade that was used to slay the Hydra,Leviathan,Bigfoot,Nessie,Snooki,The Big Show and so on.And as for his identity,he has used countless names over the ages,but you'll know him more popularly as Mr.Bean......
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Anyway, let me get to the point :
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I've been through dimensions and realms killing anything that seems even remotely English ( Better not try to act smart with your fucking English accent >:D ) and now I've set my sights on Earth.I'll slay any and every Englishman who crosses my path.That's just how I roll...or troll , whatever , WHO GIVES A FUCK ANYWAY?!
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'''''[[SOMEONE NEEDS TO TEACH THESE MOTHERFUCKING BRITS A LESSON]]'''''
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There isn't a single Brit on the face of the Earth who can stand up to my might!!!!!!!

Revision as of 15:25, July 10, 2013

Entertainment In England

The very first English film ever was "Shitty Shitty Bang Bang"-a documentary of an Unidentified Flying Object powered on and fueled by human faeces,which was why Brits abducted humans in the first place-TO HARVEST THEIR CRAP.

The blockbuster film "Reign of fire" tells the heroic tale of a brave ragtag bunch of Canadians in a futuristic post-apocalyptic world ruled by Brits and their mutant dragons who tried to survive but ended up getting murked.

"Horrid Henry" is apparently the only children's show that those pedophile Englishmen can come up with.

The United Kingdom film industry’s pathetic attempt at producing horror films has been chronicled throughout the millenia.Ranging from gaylien vampire crap like Lifeforce to zombie flops like 28 days later , 28 weeks later,28 years later,28 centuries later,28 millenia later(with real cyborg zombies) and the ever-popular “Shaun of the dead”.Not to mention a spiffing mental biography of a G(r)ay alien called "Paul",where they try to mislead humans by depicting their ruthless alien ancestor as a benign gray-skinned star-traveller with a lame Cockney accent. A film called ”Attack the block” is also a must-see for all of you who know that Brits aren’t of this realm and may summon demons from the cosmos merely to make Beckham shit his pants while being butt-raped by Gerard.

Are we alone in this Universe....?The answer’s no and the Brits are living proof of it.....Recent evidence has proven that the Greek Geek from Ancient Aliens is actually just a British immigrant with a fake & gay hairdo.


                                            I WANT TO BELIEVE


Racial Features

The Good People of England have numerous genetic deformities such as overlong drooping faces,high cheekbones,hooked beak-like noses,uni-brows,copious growths of hair at the sides of their faces and yeah, NO NECKS.This had been the subject of much intellectual debate among scholars over the decades until it was revealed that these were merely the side-effects of their nation-wide inbreeding program.

Chavs are a more tough,violent and overall rather formidable new breed of Brits who love "murking" people and using vulgar Brit-slang,created by forcing humans to mate with Brits.....the resultant hybrids are stronger,smarter,faster and possess cutthroat street-survival skills normal Brits could only dream of.These abilities have an uncanny resemblance to the Uruk-Hai in "The Lord of the Rings",who are human-orc hybrids and ten times as badass as run-of-the-mill orcs.

One would wonder why "refined" folk such as Brits would engage in such morally degrading and cheap sexual activities,but the answer's really a no-brainer.....The Queen of England,having Insectoid as well as Reptilian DNA characteristics,can reproduce sexually as well as asexually and give birth to thousands of cloned Brits whom she stores in the termite-like ovary sac above her fat,wrinked royal bottom(OMFG,why didn't I say "butt"? (0_O) Am I becoming a Brit after they abducted me that night and injected me with their hybrid DNA?!?!?!)and extracts them using her 2 metre long royal probe.Each and every Brit in existence is the offspring of the Queen,telepathically linked to her hive mind and subservient to her will,which connects them all together as a collective consciousness to carry out her orders without question.


Cuisine

England's culinary delights are hopelessly bland in taste as well as aroma to anyone except Brits themselves,on account of them having thrice as many taste receptors as humans in those cum-holes that pass for their mouths,which also explains why all Englishmen have strange tastes.Such food items include Alligaytor stew,peanis soup,boiled broccolli,pot-belly roast,charred overcooked steak,Birmingham buns,haggis,escargot,etc.Brits are also rather fond of American Pie and have an insatiable craving for Whorecestershire sauce.

The staple diet of the people of England is Grue sperm,traditionally known as gruel and forever immortalized in Charles Dick-kens' famous play Oliver Twist.Despite being a mouth-watering exotic delicacy,it is recommended for its high nutritional value.

Beverages exclusive to England include Butterbeer,Firewhisky,Hog's mead,Hop-Scotch,Dale ale,Fag-gin,rum,cum and stale putrid golden piss.


Culture

England has a queer free society where Brits of all three sexes may intermingle and procreate.Awkwardness and overall geekiness are admirable traits in any self-respecting Englishman.Being highly Democratic in contrast to the Republic of Ireland,England's social norms and cultural etiquette put a great deal of stress and sexual frustration on its people,which eventually leads to mid-life crisis,homicidal tendencies,coming out of the closet and so on.Irish custom demands sexual intercourse with sheep,and Scotsmen go to bed with cattle or horses,but Brits fuck PIGS.Gay marriage is strongly encouraged and immensely popular(Unless you're a Prime Minister)among hormonal teens and 56-year olds,but lesbians are burned at stake.....a custom which made England infamous throughout the Medieval Dark Ages.To this day,masturbation in England is considered a criminal offence punishable by death.Or worse,castration.This is England,mate.Love it or Leave it.


Religion

A trait unique to all Englishmen is their piety.Nobody's atheist-that's the beauty of England.All Brits believe in some form of higher power,unlike those sheep-raping Irish heathens.The percentages of worshipers are as listed below:


32% Brits are devout followers of Hinduism and are Spiritual Sex-Slaves of the one and only Mahatma Gandhi.Through him,they aspire to attain the ultimate level of enlightenment and sexual salvation by castrating themselves to expiate all desires of the mortal flesh.Little do they know that Gandhi is none other than the reincarnation of Gollum......


15% Brits worship Satan and other dark powers.These Brits appear normal and even more polite than usual Brits,always good-natured smiling chaps,but you'll soon notice odd stuff like manicured lawns in the shape of the Pentagram and an Oujja board along with their Lego and Scrabble.


21% Brits worship their namesake Britney Spears and masturbate ritualistically while listening to her pathetic rhapsody"I think I did it again".


16% Brits worship Ayumi Hamasaki,the Divine Goddess of Yaoi.These Brits are outcasts even among their own countrymen,as they speak ''Engrish'' and are hardcore weeaboos.What sets Wapanese Brits apart from their own brethren and even their Asian counterparts,the Japs,is undoubtedry the fact that they robe to make anime caricatures of ariens,not to mention arien manga,arien XXX hentai and extraterrestriar cospray.That and the fact that being Engrishmen,they arways make comprete asshores of themserves when they attempt to pronounce Japanese phrases in Engrish and use a British accent at the same time.Brimey,humans raugh at them and carr them herr-spawns due to their berief that they hab no sour......so utterry hirarious,fam.It's broddy mentar,bruv!Konnichiwa,do you fancy some Rondon Sushi,brud?


File:Jeezus.png

49% Brits engage in rigorous alien worship , where they create their own crop-circles in open fields and light bonfires while screaming for their creators,the G(r)ay aliens, to return.Brits who pray to extraterrestrial beings for deliverance are classified into two main religious sects:-

The Raelist Catholic Church,who firmly believe that all Gods are Aliens but not all Aliens are Gods.

The Raelist Protestant Church,who firmly believe that all Aliens are Gods,but not all Gods are Aliens.

Other minority Raelist cults include the Raelist Orthodox,Raelist Dominican,Raelist Republic,Raelist Communists and Raelist Marxists,who are baptized through the holy communion of alien buttsex.The Pope of Israel has been known to excommunicate any infidel who commits blasphemy by denying the existence of extraterrestrial life.However,Brits answer only to the Spiritual Leader of England,the mysterious entity known only as Reverend P.Penisfeather.Many a valiant English knight has sought out the Holy Grael in an intergalactic quest that ultimately claimed his life.

Thanks to Raelism,Brits have begun to clone themselves using alien biogenetics and it's only a matter of time before they overrun and take over our planet by sheer strength in numbers!!!


25% Brits worship overrated footballers who are no different from those WWE "Superstars" and shamelessly strip on the football stands during their goal-induced orgasms.These desperate Brits are willing to sell their souls in exchange for the opportunity to get an autograph from these footballers,as well as polish their balls with their tongues.Prominent and revered football deities include David Beckham,Steven Gerrard,Christino Ronaldildo,Lionel Messi and Zinedine Zidane(yeah,that's right).


18% Brits worship Dalai Lama,famed and renowned throughout the Universe for being the founder of the Adult Film Industry. Need I go into the specifics?


What?!The total percentage adds up to more than a hundred?

Well,that's not hard to explain.The fact of the matter is,even as you're reading this,more Brits are being spawned through genetic cloning and Inbreeding.Why,even before you could say "Tinder and Flint" , there are precisely 666 more Brits being extracted from the DNA Cloning chambers,ready to make this world a worse place to live in.


Hauntings In England

England is undisputedly the most haunted country on Earth.....ever wondered how or why England is so famous for paranormal hot spots?

Brits,being neither human nor quite alien,but instead a bizarre misbegotten hybrid of both,have a supernatural dilemna after they die.Unlike Japs,Brits DO have a soul,well,if you could call it that anyway.So then,where do these mutant aberrations go after they die???NOWHERE-They never leave this plane to begin with!Neither Heaven nor Hell wants them because they weren't meant to be...and they just don't fit in anywhere.Thus,Brits are condemned to an existence of eternal Purgaytory after they die and are compelled to co-exist with the living while having a swell time haunting the crap of foreign kids and tourists who have a thing for creepy old gothic mansions.It is widely believed that the deceased far outnumber the living in England,aye,and with good reason too.


World Domination Campaign

As you all know,the Black Death ravaged across Europe in the Middle Ages,killing millions.The Bubonic plague,as it was officially known,was the result of direct contact with escaped lab rats who had been used as test subjects and injected with a genetically-engineered alien virus,created for the sole purpose of leaving human civilization crippled.Unlike Japs,Brits are rather easy to kill,partly because they don't have the ability to spontaneously regenerate lost limbs and shoot telekinetic laser beams from their eyes.The problem with Brits is.....they don't STAY dead.They either return from the grave with a vengeance to haunt the living,or they become Revenants.When Merlin got his depraved hands on the Necronomicon,he used its power to raise a vast undead legion of Englishmen,against whom no mortal army could ever hope to prevail.He even went on to summon a host of netherworldly monsters,the likes of which would make you shit your pants in bed and snuggle up to your mom,while you're sleeping with her.Undead orcs,undead trolls,undead Vikings,undead Indians,undead ninjas,undead Injas and other nightmarish creatures of the night.Eternal destruction was nigh for mankind.....but fate had other plans,for on that day Ash came to the rescue with an unstoppable army of Pocket Monsters who gave Merlin's army an ass-whuppin' and sent them crawling back to their holes.And on that day,all was well and mankind prevailed,all thanks to those little Poke-Porn stars.....

                                  "GOTTA FUCK 'EM ALL,POKE-PORN !!!"


The Brits' most recent but failed attempt at world domination was hiring a whore named J.K Rowling to pervert the minds of children with her novels of Harry Potty and his escapades in Hogfarts School of Bitchcraft and Faggotry.It was a global mind-control tactic that made kids turn on their elders(kinda like "Children of the Corn",only this was all about porn instead).It was a nefarious scheme aimed to systematically divide and conquer mankind by brainwashing kids and convincing them that all Englishmen were of pure blood and lineage and that everyone else was a "Mudblood" or Mugger or whatever and that it was their sacred duty to slaughter them through genocide.If the Brits had their way,all the children would have butchered their own parents and then turned on each other,finally killing each other off and leaving Earth in the hands of the Brits.....However,when Dumbledore was finally revealed to be a fairy and the movies ended despite attempts to prolong them by making the last one a two-part film,the Harry Potty craze ended and all the children turned on the Brits instead,demanding more!A plan that completely backfired and yet another failed attempt at taking over Earth!Suck on that,Brits.


And what of the Original Brit???That SOB who started it all?!


Being the first of his kind,he bears the blessing/curse of immortality.It is rumored that the only weapon that can do him any harm is the fabled sword Excalibur,forged in the fires of Mordor and tempered in the sperm of a thousand trolls,aye,the very same legendary blade that was used to slay the Hydra,Leviathan,Bigfoot,Nessie,Snooki,The Big Show and so on.And as for his identity,he has used countless names over the ages,but you'll know him more popularly as Mr.Bean......


Anyway, let me get to the point :


I've been through dimensions and realms killing anything that seems even remotely English ( Better not try to act smart with your fucking English accent >:D ) and now I've set my sights on Earth.I'll slay any and every Englishman who crosses my path.That's just how I roll...or troll , whatever , WHO GIVES A FUCK ANYWAY?!

SOMEONE NEEDS TO TEACH THESE MOTHERFUCKING BRITS A LESSON

There isn't a single Brit on the face of the Earth who can stand up to my might!!!!!!!

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