Coronation Street
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“Ey Oop, Chuck!”
~ A Manchesterland Resident on the wonders of the Universe
“Sound”
~ A Manchesterland Resident on Sound
Coronation Street (known in t'local area as Corrie, Corro, Cor, The Corrs, or simply The Longest Running and Most Watched Soap Opera on British Television) has gone and won shedload o' awards at them Soap Oscars down south. We're always better than that other programme on t'BBC which no bugger round 'ere mentions by name. (I mean EastEnders)
It were first broadcast on 9 December 1960 back in t'day when all the world were smokey an' all black and white. We even had tellies wi'owt colour and toilet in back garden. It were made by Grenada Television. (Corrie I'm talkin' about, not toilet in back garden).
Our Dad would come home from t'pit, switch on telly of an evening, wait fer an hour while telly warmed up, and we'd sit in front of telly on wooden box, rememberin' not t'wriggle too much or we'd get splinter in us legs.
It were not only the programme to watch of a week, it were the only programme on. Folk in my street could only afford to watch one programme 'cos Our Dads couldn't afford to pay electric bills for watchin' "shite"[1]
The only thing Our Mam didn't like about t'programme were it's over-the-top northern language and dialect; characters on Corrie were using terms like "eh, chuck?", "nowt", and "by 'eck!" when no bugger in their right mind uses talk like Ecky-Thump in real life.
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[edit] T'Rivalry Wi' 'T'other soap on t'BBC'
See, we had our programme on t'telly on Monday night at ha'past seven and Wednesday night at ha'past seven, for 20 year. Then they come along an' had their programme on Tuesday nights at ha'past seven and Thursday nights at ha'past seven. They were scared, 'cos we were more popular and more loved an they din't want to be up against us. Then they got a bit o' the cocky cocknies about it and chucked an extra episode on Mondays at eight. So we chucked an extra episode of Fridays at ha' past seven. Then they added t'other episode on a Friday at eight, which meant it started on telly after we finished. So we bunged an extra episode on Sundays at ha' past seven. Ha! That showed 'em.
But then they added extra programme at ha' past seven and ha' past eight before and after our programme which were on Mondays at eight o'clock. The bastards.
[edit] T'Setting
Coronation Street is set in a made-up, fictional, like, street in Manchesterland, Up north in England. The programme focuses on the lives of various simple folk wi' mortgages and cars, from the saucy Desperate Deirdre to the loveable Jack Duckworth. Regular storylines include folk popping t'shop fer food. Every couple of years, they have big clear out by droppin' plane on Street or drivin' a truck into local pub.
[edit] T'Filming
Each programme is made about a year before it's on telly, so if one of t'actors croaked it, you'd still be watching 'em on telly for about a year after they passed away. This confuses a lot o' folk, they read in t'paper that so-and-so behind the bar at t'Rover's Return has popped her clogs, but she can still be seen on telly. Our Mam thought it were another actor playing the part an' telly company were using Hollywood special effects, like superimposin' old actor's face over new actor's face. Our Nanna thought it were just dead body of actor bein' controlled by wires or summat.
Also, Our Nanna couldn't understand how it could be all sunny like on Corrie, but outside her window it were all raining like because she only lives 2 mile from studios. Mind you, our Nan refused to buy colour telly fer ten year 'cause she reckoned t'actors were better in Black and White
[edit] T'Current Characters
| Ken Barlow | Appeared in t'first ever show as a newborn babby. Married Deirdre six times in one year; three wi'out telling her. |
| Emily Bishop | Bible bashing prototype for EastEnders's Dot Cotton. Husband Ernest shot dead 30 year ago. Lucky beggar. |
| Rita Sullivan | Red headed exotic dancer by day, newsagent by night. Marries for fun. |
| Betty Turpin | Created The Hot Pot, of which she says she'll take secret recipe to t'grave. |
| Deirdre Barlow | Super-Extra-marital darling of the Big Glasses brigade. |
| Gail Platt | Tortoise neck bunny-boiler wi' big hair. |
| Blanche Hunt | Deirdre's Mam and comedy writer. |
| Audrey Roberts | Gail's Mam, has habit of teleporting when she sneezes. |
| Jack Duckworth | Wears plaster on his glasses. Lazy labour-queue typical. But loveable. |
| Kevin Webster | Dashing hero. Spends most of his life under cars and women. Never more happy than when he's servicing an old banger. |
| Sally Webster | Still the prime pin-up character despite rushing towards 50. |
| Liz McDonald | Pronounces phrases like 'At the merment' (At the moment) in a Mark Lawrenson style. I wouldn't kick her out o' bed. |
| David Platt | Sneaky little rascal, makes Gail's life hell which is his only redeeming feature. |
| Roy Cropper | Cardigan Wearer of the Year 2001. Also voted Best Dressed Man o' 1977 (In 1998). Hobbies include saying "Hello", and stuttering. |
| Ashley "The Butcher" Peacock | Helium-voiced 30 something. Works as a Baker. Annoying. Probably gay but hides by marryin' non-feminine ginger lass. |
| Janice Battersby | The Jimmy Krankie Tribute Band. |
| Rosie Webster | Currently being portrayed by its 48th actor so far in the role. Scary but worth a go |
| Tyrone Dobbs | Fat meat-headed mechanic. But loveable. Our Lass wouldn't kick him out o' bed. |
| Jason Grimshaw | Arrogant builder twat, has shagged half the street. No people, just the street. (Those cobbles can hurt, you know) |
| Sean Tully | The only out gay in the street - we're asked to believe. |
| Chesney Battersby/Brown | A ginger child despite the name. |
| Lloyd Mullaney | The last human being alive, having spent three million years in suspended animation. Has a thing for robots. |
| Molly Compton | Tyrone's missus, already 'avin' it away wi' Kevin. With luck like that, she'll be winning the lotto soon. |
| Michelle Connor | Remember the dark haired one from Hear'Say? No, me neither. |
| Liam Connor | Worked in a knicker factory, but said it were "pants". Cornered the market in emoting angst. |
| Clare Peacock | Prudish bore, but still ... (See 'Kicking out of bed' comment above) |
| Tracey Barlow | Currently portrayed by its 91st actor in the role. |
[edit] T'Our Ken Barlow Versus Mike Baldwin
Over t'years there's been a reet few tasty messins between the two Gods of Corrie. Most of these happened before were bought a Betamax video in late '80s.[2] So I'm sorry if I'm remembering badly here:
- Ken sneaked into Mike's bathroom in t'middle of night and stretched clingfilm over t'toilet seat.
- Ken told everyone in Rovers that Mike had a cock like a chipolata.
- Mike tampered with Ken's message t'milkman. Ken ended up with 185 bottles o'milk on his doorstep next morning.
- Mike ingested crocodile eggs that had been slipped into his morning coffee. They come burstin' out his chest like John Hurt in t'Alien.
- As Mike lay unconscious in hospital, Ken filled his drip wi' urine.
- Ken kept phoning in fake pizza orders an' getting them sent to Mike's flat.
- Ken slipped Mike enough viagra to knock out 100 African Bull Elephants causing Mike to die of an erection-induced heart attack.
[edit] T'Rovers Return
T' Rover's is most popular pub in t'street that people were most of t'exposition teks place. Beer is quite cheap in t'Rovers, and serves a much better head on pint than that Cockney dump, The Queen Vic in stinking London EastEnders.
The only food they sell there is Betty's hotpot, which the cast eat for Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner. All washed down with dark brown liquid.
The Rover's were setting for most popular episode in history of t'show, 1998's classic Karaoke and Gangsta Chess storyline.
[edit] T'Betty's Hotpot
The Manchesterland contribution to world cuisine, the infamous Hot Pot, invented by Betty Turpin in her own private laboratory is sold under the bar in t' Rovers. The dish has been known to strip paint from walls and it's gravy has nuclear half life of 25,000 years. The locals swear by it as a cure f'hangovers and Acne.
In recent years, the name 'Betty's Hot Pot' has also become synonymous wi' sexual position. But no one round 'ere's done it yet.
See also Pipe Cleaners and Enemas
[edit] T'wats
They all want t'be just like us. We're the original, like.
[edit] T'External links
[edit] T'Foot(notes) of our stairs
- ↑ My Dad said this. It were his favourite word. That and 'Bollocks'
- ↑ Chris Tonks at the end of our street were the first in Manchester to get video. We'd all go round his house after tea and watch porn. Obviously.
