Cornwall
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[edit] Introduction
Although sometimes thought of as a county of neighbouring England, it is in fact ruled by a duck, the Duck of Cornwall, hence it is a Duck-chy.
[edit] News
Old lady. Old lady. Coffee morning. 'er up tolskithy row has found out she is related to Bob Marley. Old lady. Canine cannoball incident at Royal Cornwall Show. Old lady. Old man found, motorbike still missing. Old man knocked off mobility scooter by moving bollard.
For more up to date news see The Source FM, the authoritative and state monitored voice of "Truth". Ish.
[edit] History
Originally what is now Cornwall was under the sea, with only a small, phallic shaped island poking about the water, Brown Willy. Brown Willy erupted in a volcanic eruption in 9000BC. The video footage of this was destroyed in the Puritan era, since it was considered pornographic.
The first people to settle it were the Welsh, who needed somewhere to grow corn, since they always found that the sheep ate it in Wales. It was therefore named Corn-Wales, which was shortened to Cornwall after the end of Welsh rule in 5000BC.
The Welsh infamously used inbreeding as a method of increasing the Cornish population and as a result mutated beasts were formed. These beasts began using beastiality as a way of making larger families and the Cornish population soon increased. Due to this large population, jobs were very difficult to find so the Cornish began digging in fields for coins, later named 'mining'. All the coins were collected and later lost, the Cornish were shocked by this so they began planting carrots in their deserted fields as a way of keeping busy. This was later named 'farming'. Pirates from the East soon became pissed off by the carrots and plotted an attack.
Welsh rule was ended by pirates. Pirates ruled Cornwall for 1574 years until they sold for 6 coins it in 3426BC.
It is not clear who they actually sold it to, it was claimed at various times by the Eskimos, French, Russians, Scottish, Spanish, Nazis and Martians. Eventually it became an independent kingdom in 347BC, and was ruled by a succession of kings including King Arthur.
The English invaded in 936AD under King Athelstan. Athelstan cut a valley with his sword, which almost made Cornwall once more an island, but his sword broke on a piece of granite so this was not completed. The valley today has a river flowing through it which separates Cornwall from Devon.
After the English invasion, England appointed a Duck to rule Cornwall.
Cornwall has continued to be ruled by a succession of Duckies to this day.[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]
[edit] Geography
The capital of Cornwall is Truro, which was originally called Trevor Rowe after its founder who founded it in 7321BC. Other "towns" include Beiruth, Camborne Vasey (these towns have been twinned with Soddom and Gomorrah) and Hell's Town. A "Town" is distinguished from a home or "Tree" not by counting the leaves, which are actually greater in the towns, but by the level of municipal tragedy perpetrated on them.
Off the coast are some islands, the Isles of Silly. Named by the Cornish proving the pot really can call the kettle black.
Cornwall has three massifs; Bodmin Massif, Penwith Massif and Massif attack. These appear to be girl gangs and not granite outcrops as previous thought.
[edit] Population
The population of Cornwall is currently 4375.734 as of the last census. It is in decline because people keep falling off cliffs or down mine shafts. The government has tried to reverse this decline by daily busing old ladies in from Bournemouth, but they keep on snuffing it at the unlicensed death camp; "Treliske Hospital"
[edit] Language
90% of the population are unable to use any language beyond grunts. A further 9% speak what they believe to be English but is in fact unintelligible. The remaining 1% speak the Cornish language.
The Cornish language has a long and distinguished history. First invented by a computer that the Emperor Augustus left on a train, it was discovered by that early Cornish snoop Edward Llhwydd (he also could not spell Lloyd. Its not his fault.) who then posted it onto the Ashmolean museum's blog. This was read by the illiterate drag act "Dolly" Pentreath who toured the gay clubs of Camborne using Lloyd's creation which then passed into general parlance. The language spread like mould to the three corners of Cornwall, except in Dunheved whose inhabitants were so far down the food chain they couldn't remember their home was called Dunheved. They called it after Steven who owned it, so "Steven's land" or "Land of Steven", eventually shortened to "Lanceston". The rest of Cornwall thought Steven had a nice lawn, so they called it "Launceston" but apparently this is wrong.
Anyway, when they closed Dolly's main venue, Glasney College, in the 60s following a police clamp down on the notorious seaweed circle, Dolly retired to rear daffodils. Unfortunately her personal habits deteriorated and her home is known as "Tangye Cottage" after the miasma that remains.
Meanwhile the language was throttled by Cornwall County Council who spent £4 million in 2009 to tell Cornish people to give them money. Unfortunately they wrote the demand in Cornish.
[edit] Industry
The main industry of Cornwall is wrecking. In former times, tin mining was practised. This was accomplished by using empty tins of baked beans as shovels to dig holes in the ground.
It was recently discovered that the extreme deprivation of the area, qualifying for "Objective One" European funding, was because Kate Winslet's poll tax was spent on its space program: Moonbase Kernow. This program was recently closed when the inhabitants of the Moonbase failed in their attempt to get UNESCO to designate the base as a World Heritage Site. Evidently it didn't fulfil the criteria, not being on the 'World'. The inhabitants have since returned to Cornwall and are now writing up their reports and cleaning out the garage to make room for the shuttle.
100 jobs were lost when Geevor closed, and over a thousand on the closure of South Crofty. Fishermen also lost their livlihoods due to European fishing quotas. On the other hand, Jago Trerise of No 3 Brays Terrace, Beiruth, got a paper round so its not all bad!
[edit] Law and Order
The population of Cornwall has been deemed "wild and out of control" since at least the Roman period. In Caesar's classic work on the Celtic peoples of Europe, the entry for Cornwall was brief, but pointed: "They're a bunch of arrogant chippy nutters. don't go near them, it's, like, SO not worth it". However, in recent years attempts to instil a sense of discipline amongst the population has met with sporadic success. A curfew was put in place in Redruth, ensuring that young people were unable to leave their homes between the hours of 6pm and 6am, and between 1pm and 3pm on Thursdays. Those caught defying the curfew have been sentenced to a form of non-custodial punishment known locally as 'Ross and Barny's Community Service".
[edit] Culture
Cornwall has a rich culture, grown in a petri dish in a chippy in St Ives. See also "Cornish Game Hen"...
Anthropologists have found Cornwall a rich source of material for learned discourse on a variety of serious topics, including the long-term consequences of carrying heavy weights (known locally as 'Chips') on one shoulder, and the psychological effects of the continuing, some might say excessive consumption of meat, potato and pastry-based products. Some people have dismissed these studies as being frivolous, but as the famous academic and phenomenomenomenomenologist Dr Christopher Stilley pointed out "well, everyone needs to experience stuff, like, because, like, it's all about the experiencing!"
[edit] Cornish Studies
As the rest of the world can't quite believe that over 100,000 people can live on granite and bile alone, the "Institute of Cornish Studies" was set up to study these fascinating creatures. The original institute fell down in the embarassing corrugated-iron-not-pegged-right incident of 1970 and a new institute was instituted in the back house of C. Thomas, a Camborne Vasey denizen famous for NOT being employed by Holmans (This, er, "fame" has now spread to ALL of Camborne Vasey).
The institute was moved to Tremough after it was discovered that C. Thomas was using the old one as a front for his worldwide Arthurian memorabilia empire, and was flogging half of Cornwall to gullible Americans (thus proving his credentials as a denizen of Cambrone Vasey).
The new institute will be instituted dreckly, once C. Thomas has been institutionalised. In the meantime, a couple of bods are manning the store in between their day job of guides on fal boat tours. If you need Excalibur, they can get you the original for a snip. Honest.
[edit] Weather
Bourgeois
[edit] External Links
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Cornish%20Game%20Hen
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