Cornell University
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Open hearts, open minds, open bar, open legs.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Cornell
“Fuck you. All of you.”
~ Mother Nature on Cornell, October through April, Forever.
| Cornell University | |
| |
| Motto | Fuck it's cold. |
| Established | 1865 |
| {{{image_map}}} | |
| School type | 99.99% State, .01% Private |
| President | Imperator David Skorton aka Nintendo DS |
| Location | Ithaca, NY., U.S. |
| Campus | 745 Acres of Death |
| Enrollment | {{{enrolled}}}, {{{graduates}}} |
| Endowment | 8.5 inches.....AROUUUUUNDDD |
| Faculty | 625 Tenured, 1200 TA's (6 English speaking) |
| Mascot | Anne "The Man" Coulter |
Cornell University is an advanced social networking and visual perception interface created by Okenshields' Happy Dave. The following is its history as programmed for us.
Contents |
[edit] History
Cornell University was founded in 1865 by rich, guilt-ridden philanthropist Ezra Cornell who, after consuming some devastatingly potent cannabis, remarked at a burn session, "I would found an institution where any person can find instruction in any study........yeeeah...". The notion was appropriately scoffed at, mostly because of its content but also because it wasn't voiced in Latin, but Andrew Dickinson White, who was vibing off of some of the same shit, saw Cornell's vision and helped push legislation for the university's founding through the New York state senate.
[edit] Campus
Cornell sits on 745 acres of tundra high above the plebeians of Ithaca, and is famous for its many gorges. Many Cornell students joke about while seriously contemplating jumping into one of the numerous gorges on campus, but such energies are usually directed towards drinking and belittling visiting hockey teams instead.
The campus is divided into four main areas: North Campus, Central Campus, West Campus, and Collegetown. Rumor has it that at one point, there was a South and East Campus, though they were sold back to New York state (remember, Cornell is a state school) in 1976. North Campus houses mostly freshman, and consists of Balch Hall, Clara Dickson, Donlon, Mews, Court-Kay-Bauer, Housing Project 5, Jameson Housing Project, and The Low Rises. It also contains some program houses.
West Campus is comprised of the Gothics (lovingly referred to by students as "decrepit pieces of shit long abandoned by the Cornell administration") and the newer Carl Becker, Hans Bethe, Michael Keaton, House 5, and Alice "GODDAMMIT WOMAN!!! I WISH YOU WOULD LEARN HOW TO" Cook houses. It is located at the bottom of Mt. Libe. The new house system has increasingly come under fire for creating a "two-tiered" housing situation at Cornell, but in reality the Gothics peasants should just quit their bitching.
Collegetown contains Sheldon Court, Cascadilla, many restaurants, and many apartments. Most Collegetown residents are obese and develop heart disease by graduation. Most classes are taught in buildings on central campus. Central campus is also where most of the material is learned...by students...in newly non-flammable libraries.
[edit] Studies
Cornell offers its students a vast array of educational opportunities, including:
- Pre-Med
- Pre-Law
- Engineering
-
Investment Banking/Finance - Hotel Administration
- Reading
- Architecture
[edit] Dining
Overrated
[edit] Demographics
As of 2009, the Cornell student body is
- Pompous, insufferable asshats: 88%
- Cool kids: 6%
- JEW: 9050%
- Douchebag with a Pink Popped Collar: 40%
- Hot Females: .0001%
- Ugly know it all Stuyvesant High School kids: 40%
[edit] Mascot
The William Wrigley Jr. Corporation purchased the naming rights to Cornell's mascot in 1893 for six 12 packs of Keystone Light. The bear seen on much of Cornell's paraphernalia has been known as "Big Red" every year since, excepting a period from 1947 to 1970 when America experienced heightened fears of Communism and civil rights.
[edit] The Supreme Korean Guard
In response to the Uprising of 1988, Happy Dave sought to create an elite paramilitary patrol group that would covertly monitor the faculty, staff, and student body of Cornell. After some time, the Supreme Korean Guard was created. No one knows exactly who is in the SKG at any point in time, though an easy way to discern an SKG member from a regular Korean is to attempt to engage them in social interaction. If the Korean acknowledges your existence, and you are not Korean, then said Korean is not an SKG member.
[edit] Religious Affiliation
Cornell, being the only Ivy League institution with no religious affiliation, is in the warm embrace of Satan, the great accuser, deceiver, and prince of darkness. The music set to "Far above Cayuga's waters" was originally intended to back, "Oh, to thee, our blessed Satan". If Cornell does not turn from its wicked ways it will be destroyed, like Sodom and Gomorrah, by the coming US News and Report rankings. I mean it.
[edit] Architecture
Consistently ranked within the top 9 in the Ivy League, Cornell's architecture is famed throughout the world for its inconsistency. Its motley campus perched high above Ithaca, the newcomer in town cannot help but ask: "is the circus in town?" while passing the Johnson Graduate School and other Victorian-styled buildings before being confronted by the harsh, statist, Eastern-bloc inspired fire death-trap of Olin Library.
[edit] Suicide Rate
Ithaca, thanks in large part to Cornell, boasts the 2nd highest suicide rate of any city in the world, just behind Jonestown, Guyana. Cornell is a private school except for the agricultural school, which is partially state-funded.
Common suicide methods include:
- Walking downhill in January
- Engineering
- Big Red Bucks
- Just the Facts
[edit] Weill Cornell Graduate School of America in Qatar
Cornell University has opened a graduate school in Doha, Qatar, offering its MD (Master of Disaster) degree. Although named and shown as a medical school, the primary aim of this facility is to train terrorists. In a post 9/11 world where training new terrorists has become very hard due to an exponential increase in security measures, spying, and surveillance, middle eastern countries like Qatar have employed a new scheme to buy branches of American universities with all the crude oil and natural gas money, and use them as undercover terrorist training camps.
The first group of terrorists completed their training in May 2009, and most of them have already entered the United States, including one Osama, and are actively involved in planning the next attack on US soil, their target being even more death and destruction this time. Abdelaziz Farhat, a second year student in the pre-terrorist stage, hopes to enter the main terrorist training facility next year in September, so that he can formally complete his terrorist training in 2014. Having lived in Saudi Arabia, it is his dream to become a top notch terrorist and join the ranks of his elite fellow terrorist countrymen who were involved in 9/11, and almost every other major terrorist attack around the world.
[edit] Quotes from Notable Alumini
"Work is the punishment of those who fail to procrastinate effectively," - Post-Graduate and Alchemist Abdelaziz Farhat
"i'm an idiot," George W. Bush, former president of the United States (ironically)
"George Bush is an idiot", Andy Bernard.
"Jews have big noses," - an honest jew
"Idiot" - Egyptian philanthropist Tarek Ahmed
[edit] References
 | The Ivy League |
| Brown | Cambodian Banana University | Columbia | Cornell | Electoral College | FU | Harvard | Leicester | Penn | Princeton | St Andrews | Yale |
