Cooties

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Cooties.

Fact: 99% of cooties are spead through casual human contact with the opposite gender.

“Over 3 million children are infected each year!”

~ American Medical Association on Cooties

“I am the Cootie Monster!”

~ Teen girl on Cooties

Cooties is a Sexually Transmitted Disease that is passed instantaneously when physical contact with an infected individual of the opposite sex occurs, attaching itself to your skin, the disease then spreads into your blood stream. Symptoms include ridicule, exclusion from peers and scabby encrusted sores. There is no cure for the disease but if you are infected I strongly suggest finding a sharp piece of metal and hammering it into your skull before you infect your friends and family. Don’t treat people with cooties like lesser people, because they're not even people, they're scum.

NOTE: Cootie shots are only 69% effective. They are best used in conjunction with other forms of protection, such as chastity belts and muzzles. Also, there are allegations that these shots are propagated by the FBI for the purpose of mind control, as proven in an episode of Mythbusters.

edit Symptoms

• Oozing scabs around the area of contact.
• Bleeding of eyes and ears.
• Burning sensation around area of contact during urination.
• Sudden attraction to opposite sex, same sex, or both.
• Giggling, loss of hair, depression, repeated watching of "The Breakfast Club" and "A Walk to Remember", are also common symptoms.

edit How to protect yourself from being infected with the disease

1. Limit any physical contact with other humans to a minimum, if you are worried about a person with cooties coming too close, a high powered rifle should do the trick.If you come into contact with a person you are sure doesn’t have cooties I suggest beating them into submission as to stop them from touching you if they do contract the disease
2. Cooties attaches itself to your skin so the next step is to get rid of that, a cheese grater or vegetable peeler should come in handy. The skin you have removed can also be used for other purposes such as insulation for your new housing (see next)
3. You will need housing that is far away from society as to not come into contact with fellow humans. A forest or swamp can easily be transformed into a home. I suggest building a hut so not to freeze to death. You will also need food and water to survive so I suggest bringing supplies.
4. You will also need to make a protective suit as a further precaution if the disease mutates, if you don’t have access to a suit you can construct one out of old pieces of plastic and rubber condoms (preferably not used)
5. Talk to your school counselor or doctor about Cootie shots, Cootie insurance, or Cootie shields.

edit Cooties in Biology

It is important to know that cooties in the female are produced in the breast. Therefore, it is obvious that with larger the breasts come a higher amount of cootie bacteria in the bloodstream. These bacteria the attach themselves to the red blood cells in the body, and are absorbed into the skin. Once these bacteria have been absorbed into the skin, they can be transferred to the opposite sex.

• NOTE: COOTIES CAN ALSO BE SPREAD BY FASHIONS THAT NORMAL STDs ARE SPREAD