Cooties
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“Over 3 million children are infected each year!”
~ American Medical Association on Cooties
“I am the Cootie Monster!”
~ Teen girl on Cooties
Cooties (Complex Organic Olfactory Total Internal Eccccchhhh Syndrome) is a very serious disease, often causing deadly pandemics. It is most prevalent among schoolchildren, although it can affect people of any age. Although it is often disregarded by the general public, cooties infects millions, and kills thousands more, each year.
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[edit] Symptoms
The main symptoms of cooties are: - Runny nose - Dandruff or peeling skin - Boils, pimples, pustules, rashes, or warts - Malodorousness (often a smell of rotten eggs or garbage) and inability to smell (this is the body's response to the repulsive odour that it is giving off) - Sweatiness - Weight gain - Urinary incontinence (uh-oh, that little kid just peed himself!) - Fecal incontinence (uh-oh, that little kid just shat himself!) - Bloating - Belching - Flatulence - Strange social behaviours
Other symptoms of cooties include: - Tics, tremors, or convulsions - Blindness, blurred vision, or double vision - Bloody, crusty, or gooey discharge from any part of the body - Constipation or diarrhea - Overproduction of sex hormones - Necrosis - Vomiting - Depression
Symptoms can be chronic or recurring. If you have any of these symptoms, consult your mommy immediately.
[edit] Types of Cooties
Viral Cooties - The cooties virus is known as COV-578. It is a fairly common type of cooties, especially among schoolchildren. The elderly also often contract viral cooties, due to their inferior immune systems. It is often carried by head and body lice.
Bacterial Cooties - Bacterial cooties is the most common type of cooties. Cooties bacteria (cootiecoccus) are native to the human body. There are two types: male cootiecoccus and female cootiecoccus. What is native to one gender is fatal to the other, so contact with anybody of the opposite sex WILL kill you. Everybody in Finland and Sweeden is dying of bacterial cooties.
Hereditary Cooties - Cooties is often passed down genetically. It is prevalent among overweight white trash, as well as Mexicans and Jews. If you have a family history of cooties, you most likely have the disease.
Environmental Cooties - Sometimes if you stand next to somebody that has cooties (especially Stage 4 Cooties), you will be infected too. This is because the cooties release toxins which create an aura of 10 feet around the infected person. You can tell that you need to stay away from someone if they smell bad. It is very dangerous to go anywhere near a homeless person or an old person, because the toxins that their cooties release can result in sudden death.
Gustatory Cooties - Infect foods adjacent to or surrounding something you don't like to eat. As in, "I won't taste that because it has Seafood Cooties!"
[edit] Transmission
Bacterial cooties is usually spread through physical contact with someone of the opposite sex or with any infected person. Viral cooties is often spread through vectors such as head or body lice. All lice carry cooties. There are often lice outbreaks in schools, which are followed by cootie outbreaks. Viral cooties is also an STI (sexually transmitted infection), so if you have sex with somebody you will probably get cooties. Those who do not practice abstinence often get a double-whammy of bacterial and viral cooties - that should show them! Both viral and bacterial cooties can be also be airborne, so you can be infected if somebody sneezes or coughs on you. Hereditary cooties is passed down from parents to offspring, but is not contagious. Environmental cooties is also not contagious - they only affect the person who was exposed to the toxins.
[edit] Prevention
Thankfully, there are many preventive measures that one can take against cooties. For the most part, avoiding people of the opposite sex, people who have ever touched anybody of the opposite sex, white trash, Mexicans, Africans, Indians, Jews, hobos, old people, those infected with lice, and that funny-looking boy in the corner, proves an effective form of prevention.
The most commonly used technique is a passive immunity against bacterial cooties - the famous "cootie shot", developed by Andrew von Teddybear in the 1950s. A person injects the antibodies directly into the bloodstream of the patient's left arm, by tracing two circles followed by two dots on the aforementioned arm, at the same time saying, "Circle, circle, dot, dot, now you've got the cootie shot!" However, most people are unaware of the fact that a new shot must be administered every week, and that often it only protects against touching of the left hand.
The cootie shot was further developed by Andrew's son, Freddy von Teddybear, and his granddaughter Lucy von Carebear. Freddy developed a technique that allowed people to be protected throughout their bodies. After the original cootie shot is given, the person giving the shot traces two more circles on the left arm, followed by two squares, while saying, "Circle, circle, square, square, now you've got it everywhere!" Again, this shot must be administered every week to remain effective. Lucy von Carebear developed a technique that gave the patient a permanent immunity to both the virus and the bacteria. After the first two cootie shots are given, the person giving the shot traces two more circles on the left arm, followed by scratching two lines, while saying, "Circle, circle, knife, knife, now you've got it all your life!" To scratch the lines one may use a finger, or a real knife if preferred. The vaccine is more effective when the patient is scratched with a knife; however, 99% of patients bleed to death, so this technique is rarely used.
Another immunisation against cooties is the cootie lock, created by John William Gilles Brown LeBlanc of Canada. The technique is the same as that of the original cootie shot, except that the word "lock" is substituted for "shot". After the lock is administered, the patient must touch together the index finger and thumb on each hand, interlocking them, for at least 24 hours. This is to prevent the patient from accidentally touching an infected person before the vaccine can take effect. This vaccine is totally stupid and is only available in Canada.
If one comes into contact with a mild form of bacterial cooties, that person can develop an immunity to it, and is less likely to contract a more serious form later in life. Therefore, many parents have "cootie parties", at which the children are encouraged to have orgies in order to become immune.
If you are going to touch somebody of the opposite sex, it is strongly encouraged to use protection. By this I mean that you should wear a protective bodysuit, gloves, a helmet, a bulletproof vest, and floatie wings. Also make sure to always wear a condom, even if you do not plan to have sexual intercourse. If you do not wear a condom you WILL get cooties.
Some people seem to possess a natural immunity to cooties. These people are popular or sexy, and some scientists have suggested that one possesses this immunity if their ancestors survived the bubonic plague.
[edit] Diagnosis
Cooties is diagnosed clinically, mostly based on symptoms. Most doctors refuse to diagnose cooties on the ridiculous claim that it is a "fictional disease". Therefore, cooties must often be diagnosed by a person's "friends" (who would be friends with somebody who has cooties?). Cooties often presents itself later in life as paedaphilia, vegetarianism, and homosexuality. Sometimes tests are done to rule out other diseases. Cooties is often misdiagnosed as one or more of the following: - The common cold - Psoriasis - Leprosy - Cancer - Poor hygiene - Multiple sclerosis - Being a fucking fatass - Avoidant Personality Disorder
[edit] Progression
Stage 1: Stage 1 Cooties happens immediately after infection. The patient exhibits no symptoms or mild symptoms; however, he or she is still contagious if infected with bacterial or viral cooties.
Stage 2: During Stage 2 Cooties, the patient begins to exhibit symptoms, but usually few, if any, major symptoms.
Stage 3: Symptoms become severe during Stage 3 Cooties.
Stage 4: During Stage 4 Cooties, the cooties begin to release toxins, the symptoms become untreatable, and it is too late to save the patient. A patient who reaches this stage will always progress to Stage 5 and die.
Stage 5: Stage 5 Cooties is universally fatal. The cooties will normally cause multiple system failure due to toxins that are released. In rare causes, the cooties form clumps which look like tumours. This can create blood clots throughout the body, or the cooties can metastasise to vital organs (such as the brain or lungs), killing the patient.
[edit] Treatment
There is only one treatment for cooties, currently in clinical trials. It is the "Cootie Spray". This is an aerosol which has proven effective in eliminating cooties bacteria and viruses, as well as external cooties toxins. This aerosol must be administered within 10 seconds of exposure. However, there is a disagreement among scientists - some claim that the spray can be self-administered, while most claim that it must be administered by another person.
Once infected with cooties, nothing can be done to cure the disease. Cooties is resistant to antivirals, antibiotics, psychotherapy, and chemotherapy. Many people are able to fight off viral or bacterial cooties, so it remains dormant (remember that they may still be contagious, so don't touch them!). There is no treatment for hereditary cooties. Somebody who is infected with environmental cooties should be put in a clean room and closely monitored, in case resuscitation is necessary.
Often medications are given to control symptoms, such as a nasal decongestant, but that does not slow the progression of the disease. Those with hereditary cooties usually do not die, and remain at stage 2 or 3.
