Cootamundra

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Cootamundra's current coat-of-arms

Cootermundra Is a mythical shape-shifting swamp creature, currently taking the form of a township in rural New South Wales,Orstraya. This is a welcome change for Cootamundra residents, as for the past twenty years the town was precariously situated on the rim of the 9th rim of Hell [1].

[edit] Origins of Cootamundra

Marauding spongemonkeys, noble forefathers of Cootamundra

Due to repeated invasions by manic spongemonkeys in the late 14th century (all keen to see if Cootamundra’s awesomeness would bring them any closer to the moon), Cootamundra's Untersturmführer decided to build a moat around the town. Due to the drought, the townsfolk filled the moat with the corpses of Asian immigrants who stole all their Aussie jobs, mixed with vitreous fluid from the eyes of rabid drop-bears. Resourceful as this was, the spongemonkeys easily broke this barrier, stampeded Cootamundra, and cohabited with many of its female residents. These randy pairings between spongemonkeys and Cootamundra women led to a monstrous genetic double-helping of 'duhhhh', and largely accounts for the totally deranged facial expressions seen on Cootamundra residents today.

[edit] Recent History

For years, Cootamundra happily developed a reputation as a 'let's-break-out-the-retirement-champagne' sort of place. However, like most country towns, Cootamundra has a deep, dark underbelly; full of eerie happenings, disturbed people, and scenarios that wouldn't look out of place in a David Lynch movie. As a result, Cootamundra outwardly appears to be idyllic, but is unknowingly nurturing the welfare dependents, crack whores, lesbian fetish performers, meth-dealing Girl Scout leaders and corporate sociopaths of the future. It should be proud of itself, really.

[edit] People

In a controversial moment on his 2007 campaign trail, the Prime Minister of Orstraya, Krudd, stated that Cootamundra was "utterly devoid of working families". The 2004 census determined that 80% of Cootamundra's population was over the age of 70. 10% were aged from 25-69, and 5% were aged 0-25. The other 5% were found to be just plain dickheads.

Typical Coota drongo

‎ Cootamundra is particularly renowned for its youth activities. Male youth love to engage in public streaking, un-funny displays of idiotic machismo, petty crime, and repeatedly banging their heads on the walls of local brick shithouses. Male youths from Cootamundra can often be found lined in rows along the main street, inhaling the content of aerosol cans from plastic bags, and exclaiming "Huhh huhh ... huhh huhh ... I can seeeeeee the fairrrrreeeeeeeeeees."

The most popular pastime of the local female youth is a game called "How many DSM IV criteria can we satisfy today?" This often manifests in the following behaviour:

Scapegoating
Streaking
Torturing small animals
Torturing large animals
Molesting the elderly
Painting murals with your own vomit
Killing your boyfriend, eating his liver and then drinking his blood
And the most heinous crime imaginable ... making fun of Don Bradman *sniff*

Ahem ... The older members of the township are largely forgiving of such debauchery, as most of it is attributable to the evil spirit called BOB that lurks in the thick woods surrounding Cootamundra.[[2]]

[edit] Famous Locals

Sir Don. As happy as Larry and hung like a donkey.

Cootamundra's lauds itself as being the birthplace of Orstraya's greatest test cricketer, Donald Bradman[[3]]. However, most townsfolk don’t actually know that Don Bradman was NOT actually born in Cootamundra *cue dramatic music*. He was delivered in a third-world slum by Gladys the Groovy Mule, Cootamundra’s most decorated midwife at the time. Anyways, my point is that the Brad-man was born 5kms outside Cootamundra, tearing his mother from her V to her A in the process. He spent several months in Coota as an infant, and then pissed off with his family to Bowral. He never set foot in Cootamundra again - as an infant, a teenager, a young adult, a mutant, or as a cantankerous old fart. In an exercise which totally wasn’t a waste of time or rate-payer’s money, Cootamundra's local council uprooted his birthplace, transported it to town, and dumped it in a random local street. Unlike most of the crap you've read in this article so far, I'm not actually making this up.

Due to this technical association with Bradman, Cootamundra has styled itself as a tourist haven for mad cricket fans. One night after smoking too much weed, Cootamundra's local council decided to spend thousands getting huge bronze busts of previous test cricket captains (called 'The Captains Walk') to "boost tourism to the area". Unfortunately, all the busts were cast from the same mould, so they all kinda look like a hybrid of Mark Taylor and Richie Benaud. And sadly, the only people the busts attracted were Indians with nothing better to do, and drunken teenage girls taking pictures of themselves sucking Bradman’s ample bronze dick.

An exhibit from 'The Captains Walk'. How. Fucking. Riveting.

The local Alderman also keeps a framed letter that Bradman wrote to the council before his death in 2000. Some delusional dickwit christened the letter "The Bradman Trophy". This magnificent and glorious “trophy” is paraded out at all of Cootamundra’s formal town events where it is kissed by children, bathed in rose water, beseeched by the sick and the dying, and blessed by the pope. On rare occasions, the “trophy” has been known to cure leprosy, repel homosexuals and weep blood. I jest, I jest, but sadly if the local council had any inclination to read between the lines of the “trophy”, they would have realised a long time ago that it’s probably the most politely worded “fuck off” letter ever written.

[edit] Academic and Cultural Achievements

In the past, Cootamundra residents have made astonishing contributions to the intellectual and cultural life of Australia. To date, Cootamundra has produced three Nobel laureates, five high court judges, two presidents of the United States, eight slug farmers, and one reporter for the ‘Daily Telegraph’. Oh, and one girl had a foursome with the Jonas Brothers. Hurrah!

Currently, the townsfolk are pinning their high hopes on local girl Jemima Taffy-Watson, who won a prestigious national essay contest with her submission entitled: “OMG wow i mY hlday hada SiCk tme and meta hottie LoL hahHAhahHa!”

Generally, Cootamundra people are awesome. The townsfolk consistently live in fear that the earth beneath them will open up and swallow them whole due to the magnitude of their awesomeness. And who can blame them, really?

[edit] Flora and Fauna

Cootamundrians take great pride in their unique local variety of lethal wattle plant, and so they should! To date, ‘Cootamundra Wattle’ has caused an amazing 723 asthma related deaths, and is now being used by Iranian factionists as a weapon of mass destruction (they put it on the end of their MK-47’s to disarm their opponents with hayfever … or so I’ve heard). Legend has it that John Williamson wrote a melancholy song about Cootamundra wattle, then went to his outhouse and hanged himself for being so bereft of ideas. This amazing wattle plant is celebrated with splendiferous aplomb by the townsfolk each year at the local “Wattle Festival,” which features craft stalls, jumping castles, bounteous piles of horse shit, vocal performances by the local Islamic school and a wet T-shirt competition for the over-50’s.

The beloved Poz. He really should lay off the meth.

The highlight of the festival is the annual address delivered by the much-loved Prime Possum. ‘The Poz’ (as he is affectionately known) bestows the honourable title of ‘Wattle Girl’ upon the purest and most chaste girl Poz can find (and trust me, locating a virgin in Coota ain't that easy!) 'Miss Wattle' is then wrapped head to toe in bandages, smeared with chickens blood, forced to lay in a coffin and is then soaked in formaldehyde for a bit. Preserved virgins from previous years are being stocked up in a dark oubliette of Cootamundra's town council chambers, and will soon be displayed prominently in Albert Park in a planned tourist attraction known as 'The Virgins Walk'.

[edit] Timeline of Cootamundra

1610 - Shakespeare publishes a rare first folio draft of "Macbeth" set in the staff room of Cootamundra High School's Maths Faculty instead of Dunsinane Castle.

1790 - Criminal masterminds dispatched from Great Britain infiltrate the harsh rural bushland, eventually making their way down to Cootamundra on a pink bus called 'Priscilla'.

1975 - Stanley Kubrick films a rarely seen documentary about the upstairs inhabitants of Cootamundra's "Hot Bake". The phrases "You want sucky sucky?" and "Me love you long time" are frequently heard in the film.

1990 - The local kids' drama society relocates to an abandoned building that was the site of a murder-suicide in the mid 1970's, and is rumoured to be haunted. Much hilarity ensues.