Convenience store
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Please don't murder/maim this poor tree until this environmentalist is done hugging it.
Convenience stores (pronounced Coh-Vee-Yent Stoooor in Chinese) are places with many necessities, including beer, armed robberies and magazines with words such as "Naughty" and "Dirty" as titles. Usually shown in the media as a run down gas station run by crazy Indian immigrants, it is actually ... well, actually, it is quite the same.
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[edit] What Was The First Convenience Store?
Christopher Columbus, who traveled in 1492 to the West Indies received a call from his baby's momma Isabel back in Spain telllin' that he bettuh get his sad ass to da sto' and get some mo' fuckin' milk fo' that whiny-ass baby of deirs. Being that there was no grocery store between the beaches of San Salvador and Spain he thought it would be great if there was a go' damn sto' in da middle of da ochin so he could get some mo' fuckin' convenience. Upon arrival back at Spain (with the milk) he asked Isabel fo' some benjamins so he could start a store. Of course he was denied but through a series of events eerily similar to the events in A Raisin in the Sun he got the money and started the store. Although currently lost to time this store is believed to be 100 miles south of Atlantis and 45 kilometers east of Eden.
[edit] What's All In A Convenience Store?
Basically, a convenience store is a handy place where you can get your intoxicating alcohol and not too cheap gas (expensive gas is a conspriacy, man!). If you're lucky, you might find some Willy Wonka Bars, some slaves from a country I can't pronounce (Nor-what??) ... maybe even the golden green card (might wanna give that to the cashier, though)!
[edit] How Do You Tell When You're In A Convenience Store?
When entering a store follow the steps below to tell if you are in convenience store.
- Identify the neighborhood. If run down apartments are abundant it is a convenience store. If houses that are beyond the means of the people who live in them are abundant it is not a convenience store and most likely a Wal-Mart.
- Is the floor vaguely dirty (i.e. does it appear like it was supposed to be white, but is some weird shade of brown?) or have 2000 different kinds of floor tiles?
- Are there lots of bright lights? Is there food being "cooked" or "warmed" under them?
- Is it too brightly lit?
- Is there a height meter near the door?
- Are the goods marketed under brand names you've never heard of?
- Are all the goods either overpriced or suspiciously cheap?
- Is more than 20% of the merchandise from former Soviet countries? Any of them downwind from Chernobyl?
- Is it 4 A.M and there are still more that 5 people in the store? Are these people ragged and down trotten?
- Is is 3 P.M and the local douchbag dropouts from the high school are outside smoking/stealing/drinking a Slushee/Icee?
- Is the cashier behind 5 inches of bullet proof glass?
- Is there an ungodly amount of cigarettes behind the counter?
- Are there random useless shitty items surrounding the cash register as if to form a mountain of uselessness?
If the answer to any of two of these is "yes," you are in a convenience store.
[edit] Convenience Stores Seem Too Good To Be True
There are some downsides, though, Timmy, so pay attention. First of all, the smell. Normally, I would like my alcohol with incense, but no, it's just too much. Also, the people inside: the owner, I can understand, but he needs to speak clearly. I mean, come on, how was I supposed to know that was his mother? (Maybe it was the knife he put in my face or the fact that he cursed me into reincarnating into a dung beetle.) The customers aren't all that great, either. A few o' them are nice people, but the rest are inbred folk coming from a place that is ... well, I don't want to offend people, let's just say it's ... "South". A normal conversation between a customer and the cashier might be this:
Cashier:(some kinda accent) That will be 7 dollars and 67 cents, sir.
Customer: Huh?
Cashier: I said, 'that will be 7 dollars and 67 cents -'
Customer: Y'all, I can't understand what this man is sayin' t'me.
Cashier: Dammit, I said -
Customer#2: Ah believe he is sayin',"That bill dee seben dollers tand siddy-seben dents, dir."
Cashier: I hate this country so much ...
The armed robbers piss people off, too. A customer will walk in. All they're getting is some lotto tickets, maybe some condoms (you'll learn when you're older, Timmy), and all of a sudden this guy with a gun and a mask on will come running in and orders everything out of the cash register at once. And what does the silent alarm do? It says,"Currently Calling 911", and it's such an inconvenience, it is, for the cashier, at least, 'cause then he gets shot and all of that shit and his wounds don't heal for about a month and ... it fucking sucks.
[edit] Convenience stores in London
In London, it is compulsory for the owner to be on the phone the whole time you are standing at the till waiting to be served. This became law in 1987. The till guy must phone any relative and have an animated conversation whilst serving you with one hand. This obviates the need for him to answer awkward questions about his stock which he probably wouldn't understand anyway.
