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“Your face is a contraceptive”
“Don't Be a Fool, Cover your tool!”
Contraceptives are devices that prevent morons from creating more of themselves. During the act of sex if a sperm meets with an egg that a woman just laid, then it may transform into a real life human being, that requires endless amounts of money spent on it, drives you insane, and is no better than a blood sucking vampire.
To prevent this 'contraceptive devices' have been formed.
- IUD - Intra unterine dildo -This is a contraption that is inserted into the vahini and sits there and sends radio signals to satellites. See image.
- Spermicide - This involves brutally poisoning all of the male gametes.
- Condom - This is a large piece of styrofoam that engulfs the lower half of a man's body like a protective shield, and prevents him from having any sensation whatsoever. Available in sizes 'pathetic', 'average' and 'farm animal'. They also come in flavours such as 'unwashed cock', 'cheese' and 'fish'.
- The pill - This is a tablet that women take when they 'have a headache', and they get to avoid sex altogether, thus preventing conception. Commonly made from horse pee.
- Diaphragm (Cap) - This is a frisbee like device that covers the whole of the womans vahini so it is obscured from view and from penetration. Made from the muscle beneath the lungs of goats.
- The Llama - This quadrupedal creature is popularly used as a contraceptive because with llamas you don't pay extra for fur or ridges.
- The Shake Method - The absolute best method of contraception out there today, the Shake Method involves shaking a possibly impregnated female until anything that has gone in comes out again.
- Fatness - This is a better-than-you-could-ever-imagine contraceptive method. However it should be aproached with caution, as if its used along drunkness, not only does it stop being contraceptive, it starts being proceptive.
- Pouring concentrated sulphuric acid into the vaginal canal. This method has been proven to be 78% effective, but varies due to different concentrations of the acid.
- For women however, have discovered the best yet invented form of "birth control" also know as the "point and laugh method." Studies have shown that this is the only 100% effective way to prevent pregnancy. To use this method correctly, wait until a man has dropped his pants, simply extend your index finger, laugh (but not too loudly), and walk away.
- Type A Oscar Wilde method - In this method, the woman is replaced with another man. As two males make a negative, the product is a black hole, which has been shown conclusively to be infertile.
- Type B Oscar Wilde - In this method, the sexual partner is replaced with a child or youth. Because the age of any baby at birth is a function of the age difference between the partners, this creates an embryo with a negative age. However, as the embryo is born in the past, it will cry continuously and prevent the parents from ever conceiving. Therefore, the baby will never be born. This method takes its name from its inventor, Oscar Wilde, who used it together with the Type A Oscar Wilde method. This combination is particularly popular in the Roman Catholic Church, and is the only method officially endorsed by the church.
- Castration - The most popular and funny method.
- Black widower method - In this popular method, the man stabs the woman twice, firstly with his penis, and then a second time with a sharp dagger. This cuts off blood-flow to the uterus, and therefore can reduce the risk of pregnancy. This method is especially popular in Baghmom, and is the method officially recommended in the US military operations manual.
- Vasectomy - Similar, but in this case a man has his penis shortened so that the sperm can not reach the womans vahini. This removes all pleasure, and is 99.8% effective. The vasectomy is similar to the emosectomy but undertaken for completley different reasons.
- Tubal ligation - With this method, a woman has her Ovipositor removed so that she can no longer lay eggs. 99.2% effective in most cases.
- Tubal legation - In this method, a woman gives her uterus to the ambassador of a foreign country.
- Tubal litigation - In this method, a woman sues her uterus for damages.
- Two bricks - This is an ancient technique. It simply requires 2 bricks, and a very brave man. A friend is needed to hold the man down, and apply the bricks. 34% effective, and extremely painful.
- Death by violent explosion or crotch-rending attacks - This is the only 100% effective contraception. However it does have side effects such as lack of breathing, seeing, drinking schweppes, and doing shit. It also may still leave you vulnerable to time-travelling fetuses.
- Catastrophic Sexual Shame - Examples include nervous impotence upon first attempt at sexual intercourse resulting in a lifetime of self-enforced virginity. Awesome.
- Miscarriage by FALCON PUNCH, involves the sudden appearence of Captain Falcon during intercource and him pulling the female away from the male, and Falcon Punching her straight in her vahini, so that his hand ends up going far enough into the female's uterus that she is no longer fertile...or alive for that matter.
- Cunt Punt - Self-explanatory
History of contraceptives
The first contraceptives to be used were by the Romans. An animal intestine would be removed and placed over the penis to act as a barrier to sperm entering the vagina. For more fun, the intestine would be left inside the animal during intercourse.
Egyptian women would place a handful of live bees into their furry parts and jiggle around until they were fully integrated. This would stimulate acid hormones in the region which would kill sperm when they had sex.
The first modern condom was developed by the Welsh in 1873 using a sheeps bladder, however in 1874 the English somewhat refined this idea, by taking the bladder out of the sheep first.
Religion and contraceptives
Many religions ban the use of contraceptives, including all of the idiotic ones, and most of the insane ones. It is thought that God would not approve of the prevention of conception as it is holy, and a paragraph from the bible is often quoted thus:
|And Oral Roberts withdrew from the minge and let his spunk fall upon the ground, and his sin was great.|
The catholic church will only allow a particular form of family planning called the Rhythm method. This is because its crap, and doesn't work anyway. A woman must count how many days since her last menstruation, times it by Pi, calculate her precise distance from the equator, and then say she has a headache and rollover.