First off, this is a very stupid article. For multiple reasons all of which I will try to detail.
To begin with, I shall start by listing all the things I find fundamentally wrong, perverted, unacceptable, unfunny, unfit, inappropriate, unjust, and generally inexcusable about this page, which neither warrants nor deserves the title of "article", which is reserved specifically for those pages which meet the criteria for encyclopedic parody and uphold the standards of our humble yet thriving community and the Internet at large.
edit Now, the list
edit This is just plain not not funny
How can anyone possibly look at this and laugh? It is a perversion, a squandering, and a disregard of Uncyclopedia policy unbeknownst and unseen since the respective catastrophe and horrible clusterfuck which are [NOTHING TO SEE HERE] and [NOTHING HERE EITHER].
Anyone who thinks this article is funny deserves to be bludgeoned unmercifully over the head or groin, so as to prevent future threads of thought OR prevent future generations of said idiot's offspring from infecting this already befuddled planet with their vulgar unworthy style of "humor" which most likely consists of nothing more than cheap Hentai and "your mother" jokes.
edit This article seeks to undermine everything Uncyclopedia stands for
This is a cathedral of humor, a hub for satire, a pentacle for parody, if you will. How can we, as upstanding members of an Uncyclopedic community, allow pointless drivel like this into our midst? Would you allow pedophiles or criminals into your neighborhood? I should certainly hope not, for the sake of your family, your neighborhood.
Likewise, it is unwise to allow articles such as this to continue infecting the collective entity which is Uncyclopedia. What would this do, but destroy our way of life, our infrastructure, the very foundations on which we raise and watch over our metaphorical children (loving articles for which we tend and care), our metaphorical family (every user who has passed our hallowed halls with a thread of good will and conscience), and our metaphorical community (the populace of Uncyclopedia, that which we have worked so hard to uphold)?
Personally, I think this is the absolute worst crime this article has committed. To remain falsely unhumorous in a Church of Humor is rude, but to burn it with the flames of crudeness and vulgarity are blasphemy.
edit Articles such as this are the worst kind of vanity
They are a vanity of humor. A sick, demented vision of that very core virtue we try to instill in every word, every letter, every paragraph of our framework, with every beat of our heart as we can muster.
To come into Uncyclopedia, unkempt as this IP must have been, and thoroughly deviate from and destroy the path of righteousness we hath wrought from the toil of countless keystrokes and sweat and blood and tears, is a sickening, disgusting vulgarity and uncouthness which I hoped I would never have to see so long as I lived and worked on this undertaking, our greatest brainchild to date. I am thoroughly unsettled by what I have seen, and if you have any thread of dignity and self-worth, you would be too.
edit Finally this article is a horrible bastard child
The twisted product of one anonymous IP's sick vision, and the determination of a confused admin, namely our beloved [HA! YOU WISH], who has for so long never erred on the side of wickedness or ignorance, yet whose recent actions concerning this article have prompted certain members of the Uncyclopedic community to question his validity as administrator.
This is of course utter nonsense. [NOPE, NOT HERE EITHER is one of, if not the best admins this site has seen, holding a place of honor among the ranks of such sysops as [NOPE], [NOPE], and certainly a role model for our youngest admins, [NOPE], [UH-UH], and [DEFINITELY NOT HERE EITHER, to which they may all aspire to be one day. I would hate to see [NOPE, NOT HERE EITHER's image and reputation slandered by such a momentary faltering in judgment as this. We forgive you, [NOPE, NOT HERE EITHER. And I personally hope you can find it in your heart to forgive Uncyclopedia for the wrongs it has conspired and committed against you, whatever they may be.
Most of all, I hope We, as Uncyclopedians and brothers in parody, may recognise this episode as a precursor of further events to come, and that we may learn from it, so as Uncyclopedia never falls into the depths of anarchy and civil unrest that will certainly be the result of misunderstanding between the admin and non-admin sects, unless we learn to take such episodes with a grain of salt, and forgive each other - as family is entitled to do.
edit What to do now
When disruptions such as this occur, such an awakening of fear and turmoil is stirred in our hearts that we must be moved to act upon our instincts and right this atrocious wrong as we see fit. I ask of only a few conditions and reprimands, and hope I receive full assistance, if not authority to carry out said goals, through the collective strength of all who have the willpower to see through to the end as I do. My terms and conditions are:
edit Immediately work to mend this unclean stain on our immaculate surface of satire
I know I use many metaphors, but the meaning is quite simple: we must get rid of this article once and for all, with such swift and decisive action as we can exert, and thoroughly cleanse Uncyclopedia of all records of this unsightly blemish. I call for an immediate unblocking of this article, so as it may be quickly VFD'd, with such necessary forcefulness as we deem suitable. After it has been thoroughly destroyed and Uncyclopedia purged of this most unholy impurity, I move we proceed to further, more aggressive action:
edit Punish all who are responsible for this atrocity
Bring justice back to Uncyclopedia and ban the most unseemly, loitering, pitiful, unhappy, and ill-fortuned IP who brought it into his/her inconceivably blissful head to enscribe such a perversion of satire on our unblemished surface. He hath placed the pimple of adolescent humor on the smooth butt cheeks of baby innocence which is Uncyclopedia.
You would certainly punish he who infected your child, would you not? How is Uncyclopedia any different? Whether you like it or not, Uncyclopedia is your child; the moment you clicked that "Create account" button, you signed an unwavering, binding contract, to whose duty you are entitled to fulfill without hesitance. Your being here, reading this message, is sure sign of your commitment to Uncyclopedia and the bringing down of all who oppose and/or slander it.
Now, as I have said, I do not believe [NOPE, NOT HERE EITHER, or anyone else, is responsible for this, anymore than you or I are responsible for not seeing this heresy in the first place. I simply move we forgive ourselves and join together to deliver justice to this wrong-doer, in the form of complete and total bannination.
edit These are my only two terms and conditions
And I believe in their purpose and prominence as I believe in Uncyclopedia, myself, and His Majesty Ouroboros.
edit As a final conclusion, I shall say only this
Events such as these have happened in the past, and will continue to happen, unless swift action is taken. These proposals are not ludicrous, or impossible, or even impractical. They are for the sole benefit of Uncyclopedia, its users, and our strong fellowship.
I urge you to take notice, reflect, and act upon such reflections as you see fit in the name and well-being of Uncyclopedia. With every one of us working together, united, we can accomplish any task, right any wrong, administer any justice, and mend any breach in sacredness or sanctity.
Please, take these words whole-heartedly, and make them your lifeline, your guardian angel, your guiding light through these dark times. With the Internet on our side, I pray for the future of Uncyclopedia, and the day which we can all stand together and say: "This is our land, and we are proud."
In Sophia's name we pray, Amen.