Conspiracy theorist

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Redirected from Conspiracy theorists)
Jump to: navigation, search
Seal
The world famous "Badge of the FACIAL".
“Let us never tolerate outrageous conspiracy theories”
~ Bush on 9/11
“Let us never tolerate outrageous conspiracy theories”
~ Stalin on Trotsky's death
“Let us never tolerate outrageous conspiracy theories”
~ Hitler on Reichstag burning
“Let us never tolerate outrageous conspiracy theories”
“Let us never tolerate outrageous conspiracy theories”
~ Nero on Rome burning
“Let us never tolerate outrageous conspiracy theories”
~ CIA on putsch in Chile
“Let us never tolerate outrageous conspiracy theories”
~ Jorge Rafael Videla on missing people
“Let us never tolerate outrageous conspiracy theories”
~ Obama on Being a muslim
“I never tolerate outrageous conspiracy theories”
~ Judas on Jesus Christ' crucifixion

Conspiracy Theorist, derived from the English words Conspiracy and Theorist (Pronounced Conspiracy Theorist) is somebody who theorises conspiracies. A conspiracy is the result of people conspiring to act against common law or principals, be it pretending to land on the moon (US Did this 17 times last year) or trying to prove that there is no water on Earth (Taught in schools in Somalia).

edit History

Conspiracies date back to the 1950's when John F. Kennedy (aka JFK and Mr. President) was reportedly planning his own assassination at the hands of the person who was going to kill him. To this day nobody knows who shot John F. Kennedy. Since then there has been an estimated 6,588,244,512.3 conspiracies of which only 226,811.1 have been theorised. This comes to a cost of $4.2 Billion to the various global governments who are conspiring to eradicate conspiracy theories around the world.

After World War II and World War 2.1 Beta, conspiracies were deemed illegal by McDonalds Corp after it was revealed that there might not even be food in their food. Such an extreme claim caused Ronald McDonald to make 14 court appearances and spend $6 million on court fees (Causing him to abolish the McHappy Meal and enforce cheap manual labour, AGAIN). This was deemed unacceptable and so the law against conspiracies was enforced. There is one country exempt from this law because it is too far to walk there, and that country is France. The law states that "Frogs, or people who are called frogs in an attempt to suggest that because they eat frogs that they are frogs (French people for example), may conspire to conspire against any or all governments and business bodies, including McDonalds." This rule is planned to be abolished so that French people can no longer be a law unto themselves.

edit Organisations

Conspiracy Union
The less famous CUMSHOT badge.

The first major organisation in the conspiracy world was the Federation Against Conspiracies In American Lands. This federation was created in the USA in 1937, more than 15 years before the first conspiracy. People question why the Government would create such an organisation given that there had never been a conspiracy at the time. This in itself has been escalated into a full blown conspiracy. The Federation was created for direct and discrete use by the U.S. President, and it was George W. Bush who enacted the first FACIAL movement on September 11th 2001. He was the first President in Universal history (excludes Paramount and 20th Century Fox) to actually exercise the right of use of the FACIAL.

The closest a President had actually come to enacting the FACIAL was Bill Clinton during the Monica Lewinski scandal. Some argue that the FACIAL would have actually made it worse for Mr. Clinton given that the FACIAL would prove he was being unfaithful, though it should have proven otherwise.

The opposing organisation of the FACIAL is the Conspiracies Union Movement Seeking Hidden and Omitted Truths. The CUMSHOT was the result of the FACIAL enacted by George W. Bush in 2001 after the 9/11 attacks carried out by 7/11 employees. It was the sole organisation set up to fight anti-conspirators and push forward the pro-conspiracy movement. Many people believed that it was in fact Bush who was responsible for the 9/11 attacks, not people from poor Arabic nations like Azbektazipaktakistan and Ireland. CUMSHOT’s board of directors were in fact the founders of Burger King and its ridiculous Australian spin-off, Hungry Jacks. The union performed such acts as Hamlet, and the burning of the Reichstag Building in Nazi Germany. These two organisations were the main factions partaking in World War 2.1 Beta in 1999. The FACIAL blamed the CUMSHOT for conspiring, and the CUMSHOT blamed the FACIAL for not conspiring enough. All in all both organisations are deemed legal, yet ridiculous.

edit Oscar Wilde and Conspiracy Theories

Sizemore
The Honourable Sir Knight Viscount Master Oscar Wilde in his Youth during World War II. Click for more bloody info!

Oscar Wilde was a well known conspiracy theorist, but he just didn't have the drive to become one of the greats like Michael Moore and Bono. He often wrote about conspiracies in his spare time when he wasn’t writing famous literature or defeating Shang Tsung in Mortal Kombat. Old Oscar didn’t prefer the CUMSHOT or the FACIAL, but he was keen on trying the fruits of both their labours. This was obviously one of the silliest things he's ever done, and beyond that, McDonalds never trully accepted him into their hall of famous people who nobody cares about. But thanks to Uncyclopedia Oscar Wilde has retained his place among the best of the best. Even as a conspirator he's like, totally awesome. During the late 1830's long before he died, or was born, or his parents were even conceived; he had a dream. Nobody knows what this dream was and we're still waiting to hear from his publicist. Maybe this is all just a massive conspiracy.

Richard Dawkins has claimed, in his 2006 science ficion novel, The DaVinci Delusion, that every piss that Cromwell had, ends up in the wine glass of the illuminati. "...and not by chance, absolutely not by chance...." he muttered into a bun of some type or other.

edit Conspiracies and You

Sexual heath is necessary for prosperous lives [Note: this thread was destroyed due to its open minded views on sex and life, this is not a conspiracy and the U.S. Government will take no responsibility if you die from viewing this webpage/death page. Any involuntary spasms or outbursts of wackiness will be grounds for permanent imprisonment and unlubricated torture].

DONT THEORISE CONSPIRACIES (Government Health Warning Act 1972). This subliminal messaging announcement was brought to you by McDonalds Inc.


edit Conspiracy theorists and Doom theorists

The Doom theorist is a closely related cousin to the Conspiracy theorist. Both tend to believe the "truth" is being covered up by the government and that the "propaganda" of other people having happy lives with sexually fulfilling relationships despite government mind control is just that, propaganda. Doom theorists are known to play computer games such as Doom, Fallout and Deus ex. Being unable to tell the difference between fact and fiction. Doom theorists believe that should the world come to an end then, like in the game Fallout, they shall be one of the few survivors who shall reshape the world in their own image(as opposed to living in their mothers basements and the hope of reshaping a Internet forum in their image). Oh and of course repopulate the planet. As such the conspiracy theorist has worked tirelessly to find create a world catastrophe. Recent attempts have involved: Asteroids, Volcanoes, Viruses, Gamma ray bursts, Year 2000, Ancient myth's of some primitive race, Manga, Hidden planets ramming into earth and ofcourse year 2012. No success has been found yet, however Doom theorists hold firmly to the belief that if one searches for something hard enough then they shalt create it. Except William "Bill" Cooper who predicted 9/11 during his radio show in the 1st half of 2001. What a legend

edit See Also

Personal tools
projects