Console Wars

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“I've got all three consoles, why should I care?”
~ Your rich neighbor on Console Wars
For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Console Wars.

The current (7th) Console wars is a bloody and epically fun war between the three UnGreat UnNations, the shitty Sony, the fucked up Nintendo, and the god awful Microsoft.

The Console Wars have been going on for OVER 9000!!! years, it is a never ending war with lots of casualties and no winners. In its length and unendingness it rivals the War on Drugs, War on Terror, War of the Worlds, War on Christmas, and War on Easter, but it does have visible combatants battling it our, so in a sense it is more real. The current phase started in 2005 and the combatants are Microsoft with its XBox 360 and Nintendo with its Wii. It is widely believed that the Sony PS3 is a combatant in the current war, but this is not true! The PS3 is a head start on the future 18th war that will start in 2120, but I'll leave that for later.

edit Developement

It started with operation Playstation of Sony's side, with Asian bastards landing on Washington DC. After that, Chuck Noris got pissed off and beat up a chicken. Microsoft, seeing this an opportunity, then began their counter-attack, operation XBOX, THE GREATEST FUCKING THING EVER THOUGHT BY ANYONE ANYTIME ANYPLACE ANYWHERE ANYWAY ANYTIME EVER.

Microsoft nuked the Nintendo-held lands of Berlin, which resulted in operation Wii. This was when Martians and Chuck Noris fought on Planet Xina. Nintendo then hit the CEO of Sony in the head with a brick, causing his brains to splatter, probably causing the (puke) PS3. The Xbox 360 was meant to end the war, as Bill Gates stuffed his pants with cash and and kidnaped the CEOs of Nintendo and Sony. Sony got stabbed in the face by Nazis, and Commies rescued the CEO of Nintendo.

Bill Gates and Chuck Noris teamed up to save the world from the alien-nintendo alliance, and went to the alien home world and beat the living shit out of the alien leader. After this, the CEOs of Nintendo and Microsoft went out to throw the body (now rotting) of the CEO of Sony. Everybody was friends and they went to beat up some Jews.

edit Atari

Jaguar Toilet

Atari Jaguar cleverly disguised as a toilet

Atari won a few skirmishes in the late 70s and were readying to launch some of the greatest games ever, E.T., Custer's Revenge and Pac-Man, but all was lost with its pre-emptive nuking in 1983 by Nintendo. Since then Atari rushed one crappy console after another, until they declared defeat in 1990, with their Don't the Math campaign. Attempting to cash in on the appeal of video games and high tech toilets in Japan, Atari launched the Jaguar, which functioned as a toilet as well as it did as a video game console (read: poorly), the market reacted and took a huge dump on the Jaguar.

edit Nintendo

Prints money

The DS! It prints money!

A juggernaut that continuously nukes its enemies. Nintendo got a whiff of cold for 10 years straight before coming back and slaying the 360 with their Wii. Nintendo is an Ancient Religion unearthed in the year 1889 A.D. by the legendary Archeologist, Shigeru Miyamoto. One of Nintendo's biggest claims to fame is a money printing device disguised as a video game console named DS. Within the first few years after the release of the original Nintendo 8bit system, Zelda emerged as one of the most promising games of our generation. The public was later informed that Link, the heroic main character, was actually modeled and created to represent a 14 year old prostitute who would stand in the streets of Japan, selling what he called 'Rupees'...which actually was a code word for 'fist fuck.' After 211 1/2 years of fighting, Nintendo bought out the Empire of Japan and are now the leading political party within the state. The slogan of the Nintendo religion is "Gotta bone'em All".

edit Sega


Segata Sanshiro, founder of SEGA.

Sega had its origins in Feudal Japan. The first Sega system was created by the Shogunate to please then (and still is now) emperor Akihito. In fact, the character of Sega's original mascot Alex Kidd is based on Akihito. Segata Sanshiro hated how burakumin children would go and spend their time outside playing sports or games (interbreeding as a result of this) instead of locked away in a dark room playing video games. He decided to start a company that would promote video gaming, while he would punish those who squandered their time frolicking in the sun and fresh air (by sterilizing them.) Sega's game were based on the class hierarchy of feudal Japan and hence it then stood for Segregation Games and its most popular franchises included Samurai slaying countless Burakumin. Sega struggled against Nintendon't, apparently Akihito-kun Alex Kidd lacks the appeal of a fat Italian plumber. Sega worked to remedy that with a cool new mascot, called Sonic the hedgehog. Sonic turned homosexual, and now sucks Mario's cock for $5 a pop!

edit Philips

UnRoyal Philips made crappy Legend of Zelda and Super Mario games, with some of the cheesiest cut-scenes ever! That's all you need to know about this freakish Dutch company.

edit Sony

Sony PS1

The original Sony Playstation

After Sega's demise, Akihito employed Hitachi to create a new game console for him, but at the last moment they walked out from the deal! Akihito was livid, he then asked Sony to create him his console, and by his order Hitachi was reduced to nothing but a maker of sex toys and dish washers.

Sony seized the opportunity and entered the gaming market in the late 1980's, bringing grey into a sea of what was a sea of beige, with the original Playstation. Where most technology firms chose the colour beige for their product specifically to utterly destroy every lingering scent of joy within the average workplace, Sony chose grey. This design choice directly resulted in the bursting of the real estate bubble and the collapse of the Japanese economy.

With the blessing of the emperor by their side, Sony quickly rose to top spots and dominated for a thousand years with their Playstation. Designed and developed by divine technology, originating from Amaterasu and passed from father to son within the Japanese royal family.

edit Microsoft

Xbox Shipment

An XBox shipment as seen from space

Microsoft ingeniously invented a mechanism that keeps gamers repeatedly buying the same console and paying for online, and this helps them maintain a second place behind Nintendo. The main feature of the 360, the Red Ring of Death, is an extension of the Microsoft Genuine system made for consoles. All games made for the Xbox 360 must go through an expensive approval process, which causes the prices of the console games to rise astronomically. Any games inserted into the console that are faulty in any way or not approved by Microsoft will result in the RRoD.

edit Apple

Most people don't know this, but Apple is actually a combatant in the Console Wars. Secretly operating from Jobs' basement and planning the assimilation of gaming, media and communication with their iPhone. Designed by the Woz himself, the iPhone runs on unicorn tears and requires the daily sacrifice of 1000 virgins. Like the ill-fated Bandai Pippin, The iPhone, initially iGame, was originally conceived as an attempt for Apple to enter the video games market. Unfortunately, the developers had no idea where to begin planning such a game system, so they outsourced to an alternate universe where they, rather than Microsoft, were the dominant software force. As a result, they were able to gain access to Microsoft's plans for a next generation game system. All they had to do to was change the name of the product to something resembling an Apple product and they were then able to begin production without fear of a copyright lawsuit by Bill Gates. Their current offensive is being lead by Angry Birds and Fruit Ninja.

edit See Also

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