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Conservatives are individuals obsessed with the continuation of things exactly as they are, well into the foreseeable future. Almost always American, Christian, homophobes they absolutely hate every form of advancement in the human race which strangely does not include things like the internet, a device used by them to rant their awesome opinions to the general public.
Conservative values include: Everything in the Bible that they agree with (if they don't agree with it, then it's "not officially in the Bible"), general intolerance for all ethnic and social minorities, anti-abortion (also called pro-life), heavy support for the second amendment, banning alcohol, non-interventionist style government, backward Christian fundamentalism and general whining about liberals. You can identify a conservative as they are almost always, wealthy middle aged men from the Southern United States.
edit Conservatism in America
Conservative Americans are pretty cool guys, according to Conservative Americans. They stand for all the basic freedoms that make America great and that they aim to deter the evil forces of Liberalism, Communism, Homosexuality and Islam.
They hate Liberals for doing exactly what they could never do: Move the country in a new and positive direction. If you hear something as being "too liberal" it is usually because a Conservative is upset about a law or change that could mean a stronger and more advanced nation. If Conservatives had it their way life in America would be exactly as it was in colonial times, with people shooting each other over insults and bourbon, lynching Black people being a-ok and every law being managed by a state with zero control over its citizens.
They hate Communists because everyone is treated exactly the same, say no more. Conservatives are quick to accuse others of being communists, especially if they own something red. Extreme anti-communists will even go so far as to paint the red stripes on the American flag blue.
Whether it is because gay people are different or because they got sent to jail, only to be furiously bummed by a sweaty black man, conservatives proclaim that God hates every homosexual man He created. If the Bible promoted homosexuality rather than condemning it, every Conservative would magically turn gay.
They hate Muslims because terrorists attacked America on numerous occasions. Reasonable enough to hate terrorism, but because a large proportion of these terrorists were Islamic, they have jumped to the flawless conclusion that every Muslim is a terrorist. This has gone so far as some Conservatives to suggest that perhaps they should make Islam illegal in America or deport all Muslims away from America. Remember how I told you Conservatives allegedly supported freedom? Some suggest that because they don't worship Jesus this has contributed to their hatred.
edit Stance on the second amendment
Conservatives love guns. Second only to their love of hating everything else, their love of guns is paramount to their existence. After several school massacres, evil liberals wished to take their guns away because it's dangerous to give any lunatic the right to bear arms. Conservatives were outraged at such an idea wishing to keep their guns as it been part of their law for many, many years. Self-defense is also a key issue on this one, as now, in the highly unlikely event of a home invasion they won't be able to mistake their loved ones for an invader. School children needlessly dying are a very small price to pay in order to keep America running as it always has been, as far as Conservatives are concerned.
edit Stance on the eighteenth amendment
Alcohol promotes drunken and disorderly behavior so in the 20s America tried its hand at banning alcohol through the eighteenth amendment & The Volstead act. Far from ridding society from alcohol, all it served to do was increase the consumption of alcohol and organized crime in major American cities. Not good, safe alcohol but homemade moonshine laced with good ol' methanol which caused blindness, insanity and death.
Many conservatives do not understand that by banning a substance you increase public awareness of it and in turn consumption of it. Despite this, many conservatives want alcohol banned from society as it is completely immoral and that God would never allow such a chemical to be consumed, despite his own son doing it with water to wine.
Sadly, conservatism has left America and can be found in other parts of the world.
The liberal party is the conservative party within Australia. The government will typically follow a 24 year cycle. The cycle begins with liberals gaining government in an absolute landslide, with the labor party getting their anuses deeply penetrated in the election. They immediately start to pay off debt, save money and scrap every law labor has passed. This will continue for 12 years until they try and pull off laws so blatantly unconstitutional that the public have no choice but to give their butts a caning and bring back the labor party.
Much like the unemployed problem gambler, the labor party takes all the hard earnt conservatives cash and spends it all. 12 years later, they are so in debt they have to get kicked out. Like all conservatives, the liberals enjoy ranting about the left wing labor party and stopping
immigration the boats.
Progressivism and Liberalism are big no-nos when it comes to any conservative. A fairer and more balanced society sends communist alarm bells ringing in the mind of a conservative and they will immediately try and return to the classic 99% poor, 1% mega-rich model.
Many conservatives consider Barack Obama the worst president ever for bringing about social equity and taxing the rich, aka sharing what they have too much of.
edit Moving forward?
The conservative brain is constantly in the reverse gear. Just because an idea worked in the context of two hundred years ago, logically means it will suit any modern day context. It is almost certain that should Homosexuality and Atheism been an accepted thing two hundred years ago, Conservatives would be doing the exact opposite of what they do now.It is also quite arguable that Conservatives raise arguments just to disagree with liberals, for example Climate Change denial and their persistent belief that the earth is six thousand years old, despite the endless evidence suggesting otherwise.
edit Blatant homophobia
Whether it's because they all had that Uncle Bobby that touched them all through their boyhood years, or they really don't like people that are different, Conservatives hate homosexuals. The bible, a tool used to teach tolerance of all people teaches Conservatives to openly hate men that lie with other men on the grounds of homosexuality makes god angry. This furthers the hypocrisy in God being tolerant of everyone that he allegedly made.
“God has willed to give the union of man and woman a special participation in his work of creation. Thus, he blessed the man and the woman with the words 'Be fruitful and multiply' (Gen 1:28). Therefore, in the Creator's plan, sexual complementarity and fruitfulness belong to the very nature of marriage.”
Conservatives are sometimes, themselves heavily closeted homosexuals that instead of embracing their true nature decide that if they hang around with other homophobes and participate in homophobic style bashings and protests that they will have the gay squeezed out of them.
Conservatives are in favor of just about every form of life except for: Gays, Blacks, Jews, Muslims, Atheists and just about everyone that isn't a White Anglo-Saxon Protestant Male. Therefore they are against birth control and abortion. However they are openly in favor of bearing of arms and Capital Punishment.
Conservatives are against safe sex and thus for unwanted pregnancy and the transmission of STIs. The grounds of this baffling policy being that sex should only be exchanged between a married couple for the purposes of making a family, not between Jewish Kings and their hundreds of concubines. Teenagers and unmarried couples, so far as conservatives are concerned won't have sex. They as such push to ban condoms and the pill as wasting potential life makes god angry, despite during normal sex the millions of wasted sperm cells that are potential life also should also make God angry in theory. This would mean succubi are doing a good deed according to the strictest pro life standards by stealing teenage boys sperm as they sleep to breed an army of demons, rather than letting their seed spill pulling out like Onan.
Whoops, you're 15 years old, still living with your parents, been brutally raped and finding yourself pregnant. Hey at least you're not an animal that's been raped or living under ISIS or they would just kill you for being unclean. Conservatives think you should have to have that child and raise it lovingly, whilst any reasonable human being would see the perfectly valid argument in having an abortion and catching the bastard that did it. God is going to be mighty upset about you getting rid of that potential life that you didn't want so conservatives do the lords work on earth and push for it to illegal. Such excuses as the child not surviving, you not surviving or you just being too damn young for a child do not qualify to conservatives as they can never ever be wrong. However if your boyfriend freaks out at the idea of being a father at 16 and having to pay child support ,and hits you just hard enough, than you might luck out and get out of it in the eyes of the church and get a get out of hell free miscarriage.
Conservatives take the ye olde fables in the bible as proven fact. Rather than analyze experimental data and proven fact to make up their mind, they will blindly follow a book written two thousand years ago in a language most of them don't know how to read. The theory of evolution, the fossil record and the big bang, despite many experiments being carried out to prove them, at least from the conservative stance not enough conclusive proof has been gathered. Conservatives also use bible stories to debunk proven fact:
“Creation science asserts that the biblical account, that dinosaurs were created on day 6 of creation approximately 6,000 years ago, along with other land animals, and therefore co-existed with humans, thus debunking the Theory of Evolution and the beliefs of evolutionary scientists about the age and creation of the earth.”
- ~ Conservapedia on Dinosaurs
Similarly, conservatives are "young earthers" believing the earth to be six thousand years old. Fossil and human records are not enough to debunk this idea to many conservatives as there is "not enough data to support it" (an old favorite catch phrase, in all matters scientific) irrespective of what is going on beyond the earth.
It is also strongly encouraged by conservatives to teach creationism and religion in school, instead of evolution to create an unbias world where people can think for themselves. The biggest counter argument to evolution is that it cannot explain the complexity of species. You will most certainly receive this response if you tell a conservative that that the fossil record does not support creationism and therefore evolution is correct. Other useful tips on pissing off conservatives to no end in regards to religion include:
- If carbon dating suggests the life on earth earth is millions of years old, how can they support creationism if carbon dating has been proven to be scientifically accurate?
- Is it gay to wear another man's clothes, love him more than any woman, weep in his arms and cut off two hundred Philistine foreskins from battle so you can marry his sister Michal who you don't love as much?
- Who did the sons of Adam and Eve have sex with to make six billion people on earth today; because doesn't Deuteronomy say incest is forbidden but they were the only humans?
- Want to attend my three month pregnant daughter in law Tamar's live burning for being a loose widow; you look really cold picketing abortion clinics late into the night.
- Rabbi I know tossing around the old pig skin like Flash Thompson isn't kosher, but is Kitty Pryde kissing Spider-Man unorthodox, because every creeping creature upon the ground is an abomination?
edit Intolerance of minorities
Whilst the intolerance of gay people is blindingly obvious, other religions, ethic minorities and immigrants hold no place in the conservative utopia. You can tell because just about republican president ever elected seeks to restrict immigration and deport all evil migrants back home. "White America is best America" said Bush.
Other religions are not allowed simply because the bible is the divine word or god, thus disproving every other religion in existence. This technique could possibly be made valid if every other religion don't present similar arguments.
Conservatives, are at heart massive patriots. But wait a minute, there is nothing wrong with loving one's country you might ask as long as it doesn't stain the flag and air dirty laundry. Maybe they do the things they do because they believe it is the right thing to do by their country. In actuality the majority of the time they will do something and then claim to have done it out of sheer patriotism, although it maybe have had nothing to do with the advancement of their country, rather their own personal agenda. They say, therefore it is.
Using this logic conservatives will try and execute just about any law or rule they want as they can then claim it was done to be patriotic. Don't like gay people? Let's make it illegal for them to get married, because thats a patriotic thing to do. Like the word of god? Lets spread his word as morally sound, because thats a patriotic thing to do. Don't want your country to move forward? Lets convince the population that those that think otherwise are crackpots, because thats a patriotic thing to do. And the list goes on.
Meanwhile things that suggest you do love your country such as health care reform or immigration reform are condemned, as being far too liberal and are completely banned within conservative circles.
- Further reading: Adolf Hitler
As communism is to the left, the right wing has Fascism. Whilst conservatives and other right wing crackpots promote the growth of business as it will in theory increase the strength of a nation, fascism is just everything executed exactly to achieve that goal. Like an enormous colony of ants self-determination is completely lost so that the country can move forward under a totalitarian dictator and absolutely no personal rights. Fascism whilst ideal to the extremely conservative individual does not work in the real world like its polar opposite of communism. Fascists generally have very nicely tailored uniforms, but don't hold a candle compared to the royalists or the church, what with those immaculate gold encrusted crowns scepters and gowns.
In short: Communism, you have equal rights. Fascism, you have no rights.