Conservative Party
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“Take from the poor, give to the rich. Simples ! ”
- ~ David Cameron on Conservative party policies
The British Conservative Party is a fringe political party in England. The party nominally exists in Scotland and Wales, but has struggle since the regional governments of the two countries passed the No Tories This Side Of The Border Act, where being Conservative is now punishable by hanging. When first put forward as a political party following the defeat of Napoleon Bonaparte, conservative candidates were often laughed at and had cow dung flung at them, though this soon stopped when the butch wing of the party moved in and put a stop to all dissent.
The most famous leader of the party to date is Margaret Thatcher who made herself Queen of England and Lady Protector of the Falkland Islands in an era known as the 1980s. Her tireless campaigning against political, social and racial groups has since been taken up by The Daily Mail.
Since 2005, the Conservatives have been lead by David Cameron. He has been compared to Lady Thatcher in every way except policies, bearing and fundamental beliefs.
[edit] The Pre-History of the Conservative Party
The Conservative Party are the direct descendants of Tory Amos , a son of Moses who decided to leave the Promised Land for Ancient Britain as they didn't like living next door to foreigners. They had their own version of the Ten Commandments (Moses's secret manifesto it was said) which had as its laws like 'Covert Each Others Asses' and 'Though Shall Not Have Another God Before Me Unless He Can Pay Off the Mortgage .
Know as 'The Tories', they then spent the next eleven centuries isolated from civilisation and a power shower. They made home their home on the Isle of Wight where extensive inbreeding resulted in hideous deformities, shrieking voices and black hair. When it was realised that they could walk to the mainland at low tide, the marauding band of braying halfwits embarked on a terrifying but radical campaign of doing everything exactly the same as it had been done before, thus establishing the key tenet of Tory philosophy.
The Tories quickly colonised the Southern Britain and especially the 'Home Counties' around the city of London where they could practise their poor social skills. Quickly , large houses and posh schools were constructed with haste so that the Tories could acquire the veneer of a civilisation whilst at the same time retreating to the sanctuary of a golf club where they could vent their true opinions. Humorously enough, some 'wannabe Tories' also liked to mix them even they were dirt poor, stupid and had low self esteem that made them look up to people with money.
[edit] Walking Backwards into the Future
According to a lot of old dusty books, the Tories were formed in 1679 originally as a pro-monarchy party in opposition to the Whigs . They were a bunch of loose living and loose breeches aristocratic and rich nobles who thought they king ought to share power with them and objected to King Charles surrounding himself with low born courtiers. The Tories were aghast (just trying saying it I am 'Aghast'..there...you know how the Tories felt) and backed the King against their political rivals.
However Charles's brother James damaged the Tories when he came out as a Catholic which neatly underminded their political programme of One King . One Nation. One Religion. Upset with James, the Tories were split between the The Jacobites (Hurrah for James !) and the Trilobites (Bottom Feeding Toryism - believed everything came in threes). The Jacobites loved their image of doomed struggle and basically made the Tory name a bit of a dirty word. When Queen Anne died in 1714 , the Jacobites tried to install James 'The Old Prancer' as King but were beaten when the Whigs shipped a family of ugly, short and nasty Germans from Hanover and announced that they were the new royal family. The Jacobite Tories then retreated into kilts and nostalgia and hung around causing a nuisance for the next 50 years. Only the Trilobite Tories survived but they were such a dull bunch of petty minded country bumpkins that they kept a low profile.
So everything should have been ok - as long as the Tories kept to themselves but then King George III decided he really liked these people and told them to reform a political party known as the 'Tory Party' (Mach Two) to take on the dominant liberal-elitist Whigs. George thought this was a cunning plan to stop parliament from getting around to chopping his head off.
George's first 'Tory Prime Minister' was William Pitt the Elder who was followed by William Pitt the Younger and then William Pitt the Fat Middle Aged Bank Manager before the party then turned to the military to find a leader. However the Duke of Wellington was still used to fighting his opponents on a battlefield and would turn up to the House of Commons with a brigade of guards, cannons and the Gay Hussars to take on the 'Whig Scum'. Even for the 19th Century this was a bit extreme and the Whigs came back to office and stopped soldiers from becoming Prime Minister in the future.
Renaming themselves the ' Conservative Party' , the Tories grew in strength during the reign of Queen Victoria and its years of government saw the passing of many Acts in Parliament such as the No Smiling Act[1] and the Gin Palace For Every Poor Neighbourhood Act. The Conservatives were also responsible for many of Britain's most famous overseas adventures such as the growth of Empire in the 19th century which they achieved by ensuring the passing of Cyril Pennygale's Let's Takeover Africa Bill in 1865.
[edit] Age of Disraeli and Facial Hair
In the 1840s the Conservative slogan Expensive Bread For Smelly Peasants didn't prove to be a vote winner . Their then leader Sir Robert Peel suggested the party change its policies, he was called a Communist and the party split into the Preservatives and the Orange Peel Marmalade Spreadites. The Preservatives chose Benjamin Disraeli who was Jewish and had gained entry into the Conservative party by marrying a well connected (and rich) widow. Disraeli's great political and personal enemy William Gladstone went with the Marmalades and eventually joined the Liberal party where he was allowed to go out looking for loose women to slake a troubled conscience.
Disraeli wasn't a serious politician and liked to write books and wear expensive clothes. He was also an adept flatterer and became friends with Queen Victoria when her husband Prince Albert fell down the drains in Windsor Castle in 1861. A distraught Queen liked to to send Disraeli erotic poems and photos of herself wearing see-through black crinoline dresses until her eye wandered and she ended up with Glasgow ship builder called Billy Connolly.
Meantime Disraeli used his relationship with Queen Victoria to get one over the ruling Whig-Liberal-Orange Peelies and their leader Lord Palmerston. Like many Liberals, Palmerston couldn't keep his pants on and shocked the Queen by chasing her maids round Buckingham Palace in a state of geriatric arousal. So she sacked him and made Disraeli Prime Minister . Victoria demanded her new prime minister to go out and conqueror the world so she could become Empress of Earth. Disraeli pretended to agree and eventually made her Empress of India which was pretty big place as 'a starter'.
When Disraeli died in 1881 , the Conservatives decided to go for a man with a very long beard and fierce eyes known to posterity as the Marquee of Sainsbury's. A believer in the superiority of super markets over corner shops, Sainsbury's rebranded the Conservatives as the party of Hairy Faced Imperialism and wanted to make English a compulsory language for all foreigners including Americans. This policy proved to be a vote winner against the Liberals led by William 'Tart Hunter' Gladstone . So Sainsbury's held office until 1902 when he died when his beard grew down his throat and suffocated him.
Again showing themselves to be open to change - or fun - the Conservatives now chose a new leader who wasn't even a Conservative . Joseph Chamberlain belonged to a Liberal splinter party called Whig-Liberal Renegades For Staying In Office . He had originally started his political career as Joseph Chamberpot with the Liberals but switched sides as he didn't like William Gladstone, the Irish or potatoes. Chamberlain also wore a top hat and an orchid in his lapel buttonhole which he liked to squirt at political enemies in a debate to 'cool them down'. He said he was a 'radical' as well and organised the Boer War against the Dutch speaking farmers in South Africa. Chamberlain also believed in British Imperialism and wanted more of the world be coloured Pink - especially as he liked her songs. His Conservative allies were suspicious of Lesbian looking singers then (and now) but Joe insisted. However he then keeled over and died at one Pink's parties.
The next leader of the Conservative Party was Arthur Balfour-Beatme - nicknamed 'Fanny' as he was partial to the old 'Vice Anglais' in the privacy of Hyde Park. Balfour looked more aristocratic than Chamberlain and liked to go vulture shooting with King Edward VII at Balmoral Castle. However the Conservatives wanted him to lead a more Anti-Everything party and so replaced Balfour with the dour Andrew Bonar Law who was Canadian-Scottish and drank hot milk through a straw to relax.
[edit] First World War and Pigs
During the First World War , the Conservatives took over from their useless Liberal party coalition allies and ran the show with the Liberal Welsh goat David Lloyd George as Prime Minister. He said he knew how to talk to the common people and if the Conservatives didn't keep him in power, the Communists would climb up from underneath the bed and have sex with British Constitution. Eventually the Conservatives preferred their own man Bonar Law to stop this terrible vision and sacked the Welsh scapegoat . That was the end of the Liberals as a serious party of government or pretty much else except for nudist vegan sandal wearers.
The Conservatives now had a new political enemy called the Labour Party. They were (still are) a shiftless group of dirty-faced proles and peasants whose eyebrows met and who didn't sit up straight. The success of this party was largely due to the passing of the Universal Suffrage Act in 1902 which was the result of the conservatives boycotting parliament in remembrance of the death of proto-Tory Charles I. The Conservatives were a bit stumped at first dealing with 'new' Labour and when Bonar Law died after smoking too much raw milk , brought back Benjamin Disraeli as their leader even though he had been dead since 1881 . Disraeli wasn't very good and his coffin leaked on the floor of the House of Commons at times of political stress.
In 1924 the Labour party took office for the first time so the Conservatives decided they needed someone who looked less posh and a bit more 'rural' and chose Stanley Baldwin to lead them. He said he was a 'sod of the soil' and would attend debates in parliament wearing big muddy boots and would tie his pet pig 'Porkout' to the Speaker's Chair. It proved to be a winning formula and Baldwin kicked Labour out of office with the toe of his wellingtons.
Baldwin's government was very successful. It did nothing. In fact it did so little besides giving Young Gals the vote in 1928 , that Baldwin spent more time on his farm with his pigs rather than lounging around at Westminister. Baldwin even forgot to fight the 1929 election which is why Labour sneaked back into office with the help of the Lloyd George led Liberals who were hopping for some favours or interesting phone numbers to use in their constituencies.
However as usual the Labour party and their Liberal allies were a complete shower in government so when the Labour Prime Minister Ramsay MacDonald asked Baldwin if he knew what to do as Prime Minister - the pig loving Conservative said 'leave them and join us but you can pretend not to be a Tory and call yourself 'Labourtory'. MacDonald agreed and in 1931 helped Baldwin win the general election so well that the Labourites were reduced to the size of a Welsh male voice choir. The Liberals were down to a Welsh String Quartet but that is another story.
Baldwin eventually decided to retire as Conservative party leader to 'spend more time with his pigs' and handed over the leadership to Neville Chamberlain. Son of Joseph - this Chamberlain dressed like an undertaker and talked like one. He had a funny little moustache but appeared to be a 'solid chap' and that seemed alright. However Chamberlain wasn't savvy enough to deal with a man with an equally ridiculous facial hair in the shape of Adolf Hitler. He threatened that if Germany stopped playing stroppy - Chamberlain wouldn't start manufacturing the famous Missile Umbrella Weapon - an all weather piece of shower resistant fabric that was designed to beat the Communists and Fascists.
[edit] Second World War and Dogs
Hitler ignored Chamberlain's threats and went on to start World War Two in 1939. This was a cosy war to begin with - only Poland was getting hurt and by 1940 everyone expected the conflict would be called off and a nice game of cricket would settle the differences between all sides. So confident was Chamberlain that it was going to end well that he even said Hitler travelled around Germany on a bus but had just missed the last night one to Berlin that month. So that was all ok.
However the Germans were not playing fair - or showing much interest in Cricket so they invaded France in May 1940. In the House of Commons Chamberlain was told to 'Eff Off' in more polite parliamentary language and so the Greatest Conservative since Moses - Winston Moses Churchill was brought in as Prime Minister and Conservative party leader.
But World War Two turned out to be a lot tougher than usual. Also this time the Conservatives put on their army uniforms to take on the 'Hun' whilst the Labour party was shirking back at home and planning to introduce socialism whilst no one was looking. Unfortunately this was even true of Churchill who forgot about the domestic enemy in his personal grudge match with Hitler.
By 1945 the Conservative Party members had been exterminated trying to impose free market economics, tea and cricket on the Hun and the rest of Europe. The single posh toff left surviving was Winston Churchill but he managed to replicate by inbreeding and by 1950 he had created Margaret Thatcher, William Hague, Tony Blair and David Cameron and the Conservative Party was to be safe forever more.
[edit] The Middle East
More recently the Conservative Party has been addressing the thorny issue of the Middle East. In the 1980's the Conservative Party forged extensive links with Israel especially through the Hugs and Kisses to Israel, Palestinians can blow it out their ass group, more recently though they have been revising their position and on their A-List now include Sayeeda Warsi who says that the UK Government should talk to Al Qaeda, maybe establish some training camps here and shared military facilities.
William Hague while not going as far now says that actually maybe Hezbollah and Hamas and Fatah aren't such bad people after all, those rockets are all an illusion.
Meanwhile in a recent survey on the difference between Sunni and Shia, MP Anne Milton said that she didn't know, it was pointed out that she was a member of The Friends of Islam and she said "Oh yes, I suppose so. I forgot. I don’t think I’ve sat on it yet.", later it turned out that she had been sitting on a Sunni Muslim all through the interview - she said "she should have known all along as obviously the Shia have a far less Sunny disposition".
[edit] Revenue and Public Spending
Conservatives used to quite like government back when all it did was tax the poor to keep the aristocracy in venison and gold, thrash schoolchildren, conquer the world and baton-charge socialists but now that the state is run by sandle-wearing liberals who use it to arrest rapists and "promote homosexuality"[2] conservatives have decided that "government is part of the problem, not the solution"[3]. Conservatives have transferred their old faith in government to business which they have convinced themselves is dominated by hard-nosed square-jawed Nazis. Of course the Conservative Party will raise Public Spending while cutting tax and holding down borrowing, mainly because David Cameron feels that he needs to hold on to more traditional elements of the party and also to Liberals and Social Democrats tempted to vote for him. In fact his economic policies sound almost Maoist and very much a return to those of Edward Heath - the last Communist to run the Conservative Party.
[edit] Young Conservatives
If you are between 16 and 24, have a side-parting, lips fixed in a permanent semi-sneer and a braying laugh then you can join the Young Conservatives. Activities include throwing bread rolls around restaurants; pipe-smoking (traditionally tobacco but usually cannabis for the modern young conservative); getting drunk on Pimms and beating up a tramp; and snorting cocaine from the ample breasts of a millionaire's daughter. If you are invited to a fancy dress party, please feel free to dress up as the high-profile child murder victim of your choice, only be sure to remember that Big Dave will have to give your naughty botty a good spanking.
[edit] Getting In
Before you can even begin to join the Conservative Party, You must have gone to Eton and been used as a toast rack. As an adult, you simply have to walk up to the counter of your local Conservative off-licence, ding the bell (not in that way weirdos, save it for google video) and state the your title of Baron, Duke or Earl. After that it's pretty simple, as long as you've proven you have never spoken to a homosexual and that your English bloodline is pure all the way back to the pre-Roman era. To get a seat in Parliament, have Jeeves' butler's slave's Pole shove the Labour MP of your choice out. The lightest touch is all that is required and, more often than not, he'll have fallen out of his own silly, socialist accord. Now that you're a Tory MP, your duties include getting paid, arguing for a bit, not caring, getting given a house and claiming money. Additionally you may wish to do nothing, or if you're a more hands-on person you'll probably want to throw tuppences at asylum seekers. If you're new, do this with the minorities who don't know how to suicide bomb.
[edit] How to kill a Conservative
Contrary to popular belief, garlic is not fatal to Conservatives. Although they do show an obvious aversion to it, this is merely because of it's association with "nasty foreigners".
It is unknown whether driving a stake through the heart is as effective on Conservatives as it is on some other undead creatures, as no-one has yet managed to find the heart on a Tory. Indeed, this is probably the reason Maggie Thatcher is still alive.
[edit] Main Policies of the Conservative Party
- Schools - improve discipline by
beating some respect into the little shitsshifting the balance of power in every classroom back in favour of the teacher . - Energy - a decentralised energy programme
of treadmills for the poor - Welfare - Employment for those who can
bend over far enough - Prisons - honest and fair sentencing
for all the thieving scousers - Voluntary Sector - Encouraging giving and volunteering
because taxes ain't gonna cover it - Health - Giving patients a choice of provider
as long as they can f**king well afford it - Skills and training - A massive expansion in the provision of real apprenticeships, such as Call Centre Operative, Shopping Centre Security and McDonalds Trainee Chef
- Financial crisis- They'll hand out bacon sandwiches and black coffee for free in one condition."No questions regarding the situation!"
- None. The Conservative Party has "ceased to... believe in anything, or to stand for anything."[4]
[edit] Leaders of the Conservative Party
- William Pitt the Younger, William Pitt the Elder, Younger and Middle Aged etc. (1760-1806)
- Earl Highwig-Cumberbatch (1806-1809)
- Lord Perregrin Randy-Shagger (1809-1812) (Shot in bed by outraged husband.)
- Lord Manchester United (1812) (Died in 1800 but got the job anyway)
- Lord Liverpool Station (1812-1827)
- Lord Byron and Lady Caroline Lamb (1827)
- Lord Lordi of Finland (1828)
- Duke of Wellington (1828-1834)
- Sir Robert Peel (1834-1846)
- Lord Jockey (1846-1848)
- Lord 'Stan the Man' Derby (1848-1868)
- Benjamin Disraeli (1868-1881)
- Lord Sainsbury's 1881-1902
- Smokin' Joe Chamberlain (1902-1906)
- Arthur Beatme-Balfour (1906-1911)
- Andrew ZZZZ-Law (1911-1923)
- Benjamin Disraeli (1923-1924)
- Stanley 'Pigs' Baldwin (1924-1937)
- Neville Chamberlain (1937-1940)
- Winston Moses Churchill (1940-1955)
- Leslie Philips (1955)
- Dapper Man Eden (Secret Socialist) (1955-1957)
- Fraud Macmillan (Secret Communist) (1957-1963)
- Sir Alec Douglas-Dreary (Secretly Dead) (1963-1965)
- Edward Heath (Panda Loving Maoist) (1965-1975)
- Margaret Thatcher (1975-1990)
- John Major-Ballsup (1990-1997)
- William Pint-Boy-Baldy (1997-2001)
- Two Quiet Men (2001-2005)
- Nosferatu (2005)
- David Cameron innit (2005-)
[edit] References
- ↑ It was this law that explains why people in Victorian photographs always look so grumpy
- ↑ That's conservatese for "not declare sinful, dirty and evil"
- ↑ Except the "old" bits of government that protect intellectual property and "the realm". Those of course have always been in dire need of extra funding.
- ↑ http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/6241928.stm Conservative MP defects to Labour
[edit] See also
- Nazis
- Boris Johnson
- Margaret Thatcher
- Twat
- Porn
- Conservative Party of Canada
- The Conservatory Party
- David Cameron
- Fascism
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