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“Ye see folks? Makin a Sean Connery canard is kinda like eatin haggis... Wh- What you say- YA you der, da fat little nigger in the back row. What? You dunno what haggis is?!... I don care if you know what Kentucky Fried- Look! Get yo ass over hea boy; ahma give yo jello ass a spankin!”
“I onsh shaw my Shcottish coushin feeding a rabbit, sho I shpanked a Phillipino emigrate.”
Connery Canard is a type of farce or phrasal colloquium popularized by Scottish terrier mutt Sean Connery. This particular brand of verbal utterance, which frequently appears in many online communities and cheese shops, is used as a comical anecdote to insult the senile and mentally impaired; however, some people, particularly the elderly, regard the anecdote with sentimental veneration. The general form of the Connery Canard joke begins with a single dependent clause; then is separated by a comma, and then the sentence finishes with a highly random independent clause which contains a racial slur and sometimes a punch-line.
Example: "I got shtuck in an elevator onsh, sho I shpat on the sheiling."
A standard Connery Canard will begin with a single dependent clause, and will end with an independent clause which typically embraces the merits of humor for the insane. The word order item “I Once/Onsh” will always appear at the beginning; then the 1st subject will follow preceded by an (sh)verb (indicating causality). The 2nd predicate “sho I” (indicating effect) will follow; finally the 2nd subject marker appears with a preceding (sh)verb successfully ending the sentence and conversation.
The orderly syntax of these statements can be re-arranged to a certain extent; however, the meaning and subjective qualities will remain the same. Rarely the dependent and independent clauses are reversed, which consequently forms a Connery Canard Reversal.
Reversal Example: “I onsh shucked off an Irishman, sho I shaid Happy Shanksgiving.”
This particular application of the Connery Canard is less funny than the standard Connery Canard because it begins with the derogatory punch-line rather than ending it with one. The standard formation of this example is a rare occasion in which a Connery Canard Reversal is actually funnier.
Standard Example: “I onsh shaid Happy Shanksgiving, sho I shucked off an Irishman.”
It is up to the speaker to decide how they want to arrange the clauses. It is becoming more and more appropriate nowadays to use the standard example. Many feel that the Connery Canard Reversal will only return to prominence after the influence of a modern-day Yakoff Smirinoff. Divergent humour such as the wanting to root a standard for contrary applications is one of many symptoms of dumpster cancer.
Semantics & purpose
The principal governing factors behind a Connery Canard are wit and application. The premise of any Connery Canard suggests that an old senile person is reminiscing about some memory they probably never had and is implementing it with some highly random impropriety. The following concluding statement MUST hold absolutely no rational causality towards the originally stated premise. Hence, the speaker (i.e. Sean Connery) is made out to be completely insane, senile, and inept to concepts of socially acceptable storytelling banter. This is to some extent due to the bad memory of the speaker; they either cannot remember how or why they “onsh” did something, or they have become too lazy to bring about proper closure to the anecdote and will end the conversation with some random vulgarity.
Adults or children listening to the eight second tale will finish their encounter by staring at Sean Connery, who is now silent, and then walking away in utter confusion and disgust. Connery will stand/sit still and stare at you as you walk away.
The most important rule to remember when practising the Connery Canard, with regards to purpose, is that your statement must possess complete and total disregard for utilitarian or conjunctive cause/effect rationality. There should be no legitimate means of judgment in any case whatsoever. It is merely a brief anecdote recalling the tale of some past event, and then resolving its premise with inadvertent violence.
In some cases, with a really amusing set of subjects; it may be necessary to supplement a confuting clause to the Connery Canard anecdote. This is often used to emphasize the relation, or blatant mis-relation, objectively between the elements of cause and effect (dependent and independent clauses). As opposed to standard Connery Canard rules, the median confuting clause always pertains to the preceding clause that it is describing. The complex Conard should not be considered for use when communicating with people with lower attention spans.
Standard Example: I onsh shtopped for an old shash bag croshing the shtreet, sho I shtuck a finger up my arsh.
Complex Example: I onsh shtopped for an old shash bag croshing the shtreet, but shhe wash wearing high healsh, sho I shtuck a finger up my arsh.
Phonology & dialectics
When dealing with Connery-esque linguistics or phonology, a functional “s” sound such as those present in words like “stop” or “sleep” are morphologically altered to a “sh” sound such as those present in words like “shave” or “shite.” Subsequently, words such as “stop” or “sleep” would become altered to “shtop” and “shleep.” Get it? Good, because Sean Connery has suffered from hiccups for the last 28 months because of this.
For example, instead of saying: When I go to the movies, I sit in the back row, you say: When I goesh to the moviesh I shit in the back row. Shtarting to make any shense yet?
Now give yourshelf a shlap on the back for having shaved your assh from failing an attempt at a Connery Canard! Now go annoy some children or busy parents.
Original model quotations
“I wash on the phone wunsh, but thee osher guy hung up, sho I shmacked a chineshe guy.”
“I shat on a toilet sheath onsh, but it wash shticky; sho I shtomped on a chiwawa's head.”
“I onsh got my brosnan pierced, but it wouldn't shtay on, sho I shlapped a WalMart manager.”
“I wash playing playshtashion onshe, but my controller shnapped in half, sho I shrew an iPod at my shishter.”
“I shaved thish dying whale onsh, but it didn't thank me, sho I shcrewed a jew in the anush.”
“I never did do my besht at shschool, sho I jusht shmelled zhe Irish guysh' arsh.”