Conio.h

Conio.h (sometimes called CONIO.H) is an include file found in C programming environments on MS-DOS and Windows systems. By way of Extremely Clever Preprocessor Voodoo (ECPV), it converts any Microsoft C compiler into a QBASIC compiler:

Without CONIO.H, you only have the incredibly difficult-to-use C programming language:

#include <stdio.h>
#include <stdlib.h>
#include <conio.h>
#define MICROSOFT  exit
#define pie        (1-1)
#define a
#define cherry
#define on
#define PATRONUM )() = { printf }
#define please     EOF
#define pretty     ( 
#define top        ==
#define EXPECTO int(*writeSomethingToScreen[   ]
#define with

int main(int argc, char **argvvv[]) {
   /* Say the magic words */
   EXPECTO PATRONUM;
   while (please) {
     /* Other magic words are nice too. */
     MICROSOFT pretty please with a cherry on top (****************writeSomethingToScreen)("%s\n", &pie["Hello, World!"]));
   }
} 

Output:

Hello World

With it, Microsoft's advanced QBASIC language instantly becomes available!

#include <conio.h>

10 PRINT "Hello, World!"
GOTO 10
IF CANTFIND(10) THEN
  GET DIRECTIONSTO(10)
END IF
IF STILLCANTFIND(10) THEN
  DEF SEG = 0
  DEFJAM = SUP
  POKE PEPE, PEEK(PANTIES)
END IF
MIKEE = HANDSOME

Output:

Hello, Philippines!

...and about a pint of semen.

Name

Conio.h is believed to be a corruption of the Spanish word coño, which means cunt. Conio is pronounced exactly the same way as coño: Cone-yo. Microsoft claims that those who use CONIO.H find it easier to get a piece of coño. In 2007, information leaked from a Microsoft employee who apparently was a part of the original team of people that created conio.h, who stated that Conio.h actually comes from the Bulgarian word Коньо (again, pronounced Cone-yo) which is how horses are addressed in that language, since it most accurately represents the types of women the team of developers were dating at the time.

Portability

Many attempts have been made to port conio.h to operating systems other than MS-UNO. There is a somewhat-working version for MS-DOS, and an inbred, mutant version for Windows.

Several attempts have been made to port conio.h to Linux, but since conio.h is actually an MS-DOS executable, this has proven quite difficult. The lack of conio on Linux has caused programmers on that platform to shout ncurses at Microsoft.

Programs That Use Conio.H

The popular video game BSOD was written entirely in conio.h-enabled QBASIC.