Confucius

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“Woman who uses dynamite as dildo has explosive orgasm.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Confucius

“Confucius say: Stop fucking quoting me!”

~ Confucius on Confucius's quotes

Confucius, pondering if he got your shrimp and fried rice order correct...or was it General Tsos with vegetables? Damn! Confucius no remember!

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Confucius.

Confucius born King Kong, was a famous philosopher born in the city of Fuk Qyoo (pronounced faa-rck kwoo in Swiss-Cambodian dialect) in Shandeigh Province, in what is now the People's Republic of China and whose teachings affected the entire world. His teachings were spread to China sometime around the Meiji era, and have greatly affected the ethics of Taiwan, otherwise known as the Wal-Mart's Republic of China.

He is the Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Greater-Greatest-Grand Father of all Chinese with the surname Kong. You can tell what generation the person is by their Middle name. eg: Kong Xian Lin is a generation above Kong Qing Lin, so Kong Qing Lin will call Kong Xian Lin Auntie, even if Kong Qing Lin is older then Kong Xian Lin. The use of the middle name to identify generations is why China is called 中国 or the "Middle Kingdom".

The order of the generations is in a set of 5 blocks of 5 names. After 25 generations, repeat. 宏闻贞尚衍, 兴毓传纪广, 昭宪庆繁祥, 令德维垂佑, Waang, Hong, Wen, Zhen, Shang, Yan, Xing, Liu, Chuan, Ji, Guang, Zhao, Xian, Qing, Fan, Xiang, Ling, De, Wei, Chui, You, Yin, Shao, Nian, Xian, Yang

He has a moustache.

[edit] The Name

Contrary to popular belief, Confucius isn't his correct name. Due to differences in naming practices in the east and west, Confucius is actually called "William Hung" in oriental countries, though sometimes they called him Uncle Jorge. The term, Confucianism is not related to Confucius in any way, but rather due to the confusing nature of Confucianism, a martial arts more commonly known as "Kungfucianism". His philosophy was based around people having sex and eating at the same time. Though this was though to be impossible, Confucius somehow demonstrated this act to his people and people around the world are eating and having sex at the same time. As you can see from this picture “To eat is sex” is one of the examples of how to live the Confucius life. Many believe that he is most responsible for being the first ping-pong player to put women in their god damn place.

[edit] History

Confucious was born in Confucioustan. He was born under the household of Kaswaki Kambaba and Jhon. He was a lone child left to pick cotton in Greenland because his dad got eaten by a Sperm Whale. Unfortunately his mother Kaswaki was raped by a short circuited robot monkey. During the period in which she was dying she said confukcious. Confucious embraced this name as his own and as history went on the name eventually went from Confukcious to Confucious. He is k nown for his amazing ways of hunting moose. Confucious who is we ll known for inventing the religion of Judaism has also owned ve ry long ethernet cables. Confucious has a penis. Yesterday Chris topher Columbus found it and sold it on eBay for a couple of Nati ve Americas. Confucious was a polygamist and he was very promisc uous. He died of AIDS (chinese edition) after being in a 3.14159 265358979323846433832 hour long orgy with your mom and Napoleon .After dying his 3 ducks were releaed into the wild for feedin g. Durig this feeding they evolved into witches. Witches are bad.

[edit] Confucius Says

Famous Confucius quote from a fortune cookie.

Another famous Confucius quote, last heard in a Chinese restaurant.

• "Man who smelt it dealt it."
• "Pen got no ink, broken."
• "Man who fall in vat of molten glass, make spectacle of self."
• "Man who stand on toilet, high on pot ye."
• "Cow with no legs, ground beef."
• "Marriage like poker game, start with pair and end with full house."
• "Man who drop spice rack in toilet, have shitty thyme."*
• "Leely cows, good at making file."
• "Man who buy drowned cat, pay for wet pussy."
• "Butcher who back into meat grinder, get a little behind in his order."
• "Man who cooks beans and peas in same pot, very unsanitary."
• "Man who wants to marry nurse, must be patient."
• "Man who rides Ferrari, man who likes to Fuck n Lari."
• "Man who supports Man.Utd gets screwed up by other fans."
• "Man who owns Obama in game, gets owned by Osama in plane."
• "Man who gets swine flu, likes eat swine."
• "Man who catch many fish by rubbing worm, master baiter."
• "Man who fart in church, sit in own pew"
• "Passionate kiss like spider web, soon lead to undoing of fly ."
• "Girl who sit on judge's lap, get honorable discharge ."
• "Chicken that crosses street, moving poultry ."
• "Crowded elevator smell different to midget ."
• "Man who walk through airport door sideways, going to Bangkok ."
• "Good to meet girl in park; better to park meat in girl ."
• "Man who stand in front of car get tired, but man who stands behind car get exhausted ."
• "Man who sit on tack, may rise to great heights ."
• "Man who take donkey out of race, scratches ass ."
• "Man who go to bed with itchy ass, wake up with smelly finger ."
• "Man who puts chicken in freezer, has stiff cock ."
• "It takes lots of wood and bolts to make crib, but only one screw to fill it ."
• "Baby in front seat of car make accident, but accident in back seat of car make baby ."
• "Man who drop watch in toilet, have shitty time ."
• "Man who put cream in tart, not necessarily baker ."
• "Man with Long March ahead, may have broken calendar ."
• "Baseball, wrong zai! Man with four balls, cannot walk."
• "Man who fishes in other man's well, catches crabs ."
• "Woman who dance while wearing jockstrap, have make-believe ballroom ."
• "Man who smokes pot, chokes on handle."
• "Man who sticks penis in peanut butter, fucking nuts ."
• "Man who drive like hell, bound to get there."
• "Wife not part of furniture, until screwed on bed."
• "Panties not best thing on Earth, but next to it ye."
• "State of pregnancy, exist when woman takes seriously something poked in fun."
• "Man who pushes piano down mineshaft, get A flat miner."
• "Man who live in glass house, change in basement."
• "Man who invent paper, also invent toilet paper."
• "Man who stick hand in pocket, feel cocky all day."
• "Man who stick hand in others pocket, not feeling himself today."
• "Man who sits on top of a frozen hot dog, gay."
• "Man who bites pillow, soon be down in the mouth."
• "Man who plays the game, destined to lose it ."
• "Man who can have sex with anything, American (or french)."
• "Boy who sleep with horny intentions, wake up with solution in hand."
• "Man who rides on a boat full of holes, has sinking feeling."
• "Man who loses pants, also loses dignity."
• "Chemist who falls into acid, gets absorbed into work."
• "Man who gets struck by lightning on head, gets brainstorm."
• "Man who washes ass with acid, has pain in the ass."
• "Man who lays in bed all day, wishes he got laid."
• "Man who drops anvil on wheel, gets flat tire."
• "Ugly man who hits on girls, gets hit on the face."
• "Woman who wear running shoes to bed, wants marathon session."
• "Man who is reading this, wasting his time."
• "Masturbation, solo played on private organ."
• "Man who sees flying saucers, has family problems."
• "Gay dinosaur, called Mega-sore-ass."
• "Man who eat jellybean, farts in technicolor."
• "Man who chooses banana over juicy pear, queer."
• "Man who put fishing tackle in cigar, hooked on smoking."
• "Knowledge is knowing that tomato is fruit; wisdom is knowing not to put it in fruit salad."
• "If grandma is fucked in the head, granddad OD on Viagra."
• "Man who says maybe too often is Tim"
• "Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam"
• "Man who frequently break into song and dance is most likely in a musical."

[edit] Decendants

While Confucius may have been a huge porn addicted bastard, his descendants aren't necessarily so....

Kong Xian Lei - 87th generation.

King Kong - 171th generation. He is a world famous gorilla, made famous by media exploitation.

Kim Jong-il - 777th generation. He is the ruler of North Korea, South Korea, Iraq, Burma, and China. One of the many reasons people worship him is because he is a descendant of Confucius.

[edit] See also

Lao Tzu