Conan the Barbarian

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You mean to tell me that I get to kick ass, have sex with all the women, and rule the north, but I have to have an accent from now on? OK, whatev. Check out this kickass geetar.

Conan is often confused for mythological beefcake Gonad, the Big Hairy One.

“To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of Maria Shriver!”

~ Conan the Barbarian on what is good in life

“Conan did indeed pull harder on the strings of your martyr...and ripped his liver out!”

~ Gaz on Conan's greatness

[edit] How we know Conan the Barbarian...

The undisputed creation of Stan "The Man" Lee - whose identity was stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate by the evil Hugh Hefner , Conan the Barbarian (formerly Gonad The Balbarian), a loyal worshiper of the Steel God "Grom", appeared in a series of comic books, paintings, frescoes, altar-pieces and "male revues" as well as a line of action figures all of which portrayed him as a gargantuan Scandinavian pit fighter turned thief turned pirate turned king with massive strength, teeth, and sex appeal to certain Turkish bath-house crowds , although Conan may be better known for his appearance in 5 cinema masterpieces from the 80's, "Conan the Barbarian", "Conan the Destroyerator", "Conan the Governator", "Conan the Septugenarian" and a lesser known porno called "Rage Of Bonan". In all but four of these movies Conan is played by Arnold Schwarzenegger and is acurately depicted as the only man in history to dwarf Wilt Chamberlain in comparative beastliness. The films were later adapted into a series of novels and short stories by a deranged homeless gypsy high on Sterno .The directors edition of 'Conan the Barbarian' featured lengthy scenes in which Conan plays with his boobies and talks dirty to John Milius in a completely incoherent guttural accent . " HUH , HUH , YOO LOK DAT DONTCHOO ? HUH HUH ." The director was Conan himself , Milius was just a "key grip" . All through the decade of the 1970's some weird old codger named deCamp was repeatedly arrested and jailed for accosting youngsters in bookstores & screaming " I WROTE CONAN , ME ! I AM THE KING OF HYBORIA !" His last wherebouts after the well-known escape from the Arkham Asylum are still unknown , last report - nobodies looking for him . Conan is now the ruler of the west and his territory stretches as far as California. Age of Conan is probably the best game ever since Crono Trigger on Snes , or maybe those little handheld football games with the dots that used to go back & forth & say "doot-dee-doot-dee-doot" .

[edit] Well known accomplishments of Conan (Barbarian to Destroyer eras)

• Cut off Rick James' head to avenge both his parents' murder and the staining of his brand new couch.
• Has fought almost everything in the known universe, and some things in Parts Unknown, including Azathoth, Tsathoggua, Cthulhu, severe gingivitis and Your Mom.
• Was caught redhanded by the producers of Pumping Iron sniffing "Big Loooooie's" undervear in dah lockah rrroooom , claimed he was "Chooost havink a liddel fun hidink his stuff ! "
• For two peaceful months every year, while ruling Califorlonia, he brews sixty gallons of beer with just his mouth. Badass.
• Does, in fact, compensate for his penis with a four-foot-long sword. But it's a reverse compensation.
• Is Prodigy's real DJ
• contrary to popular opinion , his divorce from his Pictish bride Franco Columbo was finalized before he drugged & brainwashed Maria Shriver to be his 'queen'.
• "CHARLIE DON'T SURF !! ".....neither do 'Hyrkanian archers' stupid !!!

[edit] 20 Little known accomplishments about Conan

1. Is able to walk from Norway to Iraq in 36 hours or less.
2. Only man alive to make Xena's blond fraternal twin look normal sized in comparison to himself.
3. Conan's current comic incarnation likes to wear carnations while swingin' his mighty sword through carnal beasts.
4. Once Fucked 24 librarians in exactly 24 hours in a non-stop orgy session that would make Woodstock look like an episode of Leave it to Beaver.
5. Conan likes to eat shredded wheat dipped in the blood of demons.
6. Conan's strength was not formed by taking steroids, but by pushing around a 3 ton wheel 20 hours a day since his kidnapping at the age of 6.
7. Often mistaken for the govenor of California, Conan is actually a warlord ruling over the frozen wastes of North Dakota.
8. Recovering kitten huffer.
9. He has been known to hang out with Optimus Prime and Gary Busey.
10. Fuckmon is making a game about him.
11. Once spent the night with a man called Crom reportedly, a nymphomaniac who can be lifted and thrown into a fire with one hand.
12. Is able to shit every furniture after eating some trees and bolts.
13. Has done a cover of one of David Bowie's songs, Space Oddity.
14. Won the Nobel Prize in particle physiscs.
15. Wrote the lyrics to "Bilbo Baggins" - sung by Leonard Nimroyd (who played the famous alien child psychologist Doctor Spock )
16. Invented Albacore Pornography.
17. Banged Jackson Leist.
18. Got his GED in 1996.
19. Invented boobies.
20. Has a nipple on his tongue.
21. Has a pierced clitoris.
22. Has a traditional Samoan tattoo of Pikachu on his butt .
23. Solved the world's camel overpopulation problem.
24. Was taped by an intern saying " If dat Obak Rabama guy gets to be da President , he beddah change it so Europeons can be da President too , or we get de brown-shirts und march on Vashington !"
25. IT's Nodda tumah !

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Superheroes and heroines	Captain Planet - The Amazing Fiber-Man - Spider-Woman - Mary Jane - The Incredible Hunk - The Scarlet Spider - Black Cat - Daredevil - Dr. Strange - Iron Man - The Punisher - Conan the Barbarian - Ghost Rider - Deadpool - Igloo - The other Captain Marvel - Jenna Jameson
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X-Men	Professor X - Apocyclopse - Gene Grey - Beast - Wolverine - Bishop - Cable the Larry Guy - Northstar
Salacious Six	Sr. Tentacles - The Grand Mysterious R2-D2 Recolor - The Wang - Steve Irwin - Sabertooth
Other teams	The Revengers - The Fantastic Four - The Omnipotent Seven