Computer Science

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Computer science is a science that involves calculating the time it takes to get the mouse over to an icon if pushed with a certain force in the windows operating system. After extensive research, computer scientists came up with the following formula:


\frac{force!}{mass} \cdot 3\cdot (speed\; of\; mouse) \cdot (distance)
      =
(amount\; of\; scribbles\; on\; page\; when\; trying\; to\; calculate\; the\; time\; it\; takes\; to\; get\; the\; mouse\; over\; to\; an\; icon\; in\; the\; windows\; operating\; system)

The above formula, often claimed to be the base of computer science, was used to derive boredman's paradox, which explains the inability to move the windows mouse between 8 AM and 8 PM GMT.

After much discussion, the scientists got no further. Sensing imminent defeat, they went out to Starbucks for a stimulating drink, after which they switched to FreeBSD.

Origin

The term 'computer science' is a frequently-bandied euphemism for a methodology which attempts to predict outcomes of Software Development with a series of desperate guesses, often made in the middle of the night and usually on the late side of a deadline.

Computer Science, sometimes referred to as 'software voodoo', derives from a set of absolute truths:

  • 1. People who finance software do not have a clue as to its nature.
  • 2. People who specify the characteristics of software do not have a clue as to its nature.
  • 3. People who create timelines for Software Development do not have a clue as to its nature.
  • 4. People who write software are aware of the fact that 1, 2 and 3 are full of shit and that, no matter how often you tell them that they're full of shit, and even attempt to explain to them with charts, graphs and numbers exactly why they're full of shit, 1, 2 and 3 will never stop believing that they know more about software than the people who write it.

Education

Cambridge University invented the term 'Degree in Computer Science' as an excuse for nerds to play Everquest in their dorm rooms. This practice has evolved into a cult in which victims (called 'students') are duped into paying large amounts of money ('tuition') for a useless piece of paper ('degree'). Major corporations such as IBM fell for this trap and began to hire these victims, creating a cycle that dominates the computer world to this day. Females, although generally unintelligent, have somehow developed an immunity to the lures of the cult, and have thus avoided becoming victims.

Computer science students can be recognized by the following warning signs:

  • Unwashed hair (in which very small animals sometimes dwell)
  • Glasses
  • Acne
  • Poor fashion sense
  • Lack of friends
  • Prolonged computer use
  • Annoying laugh
  • Heavy consumption of Jolt Cola but will settle for Mountain Dew or Red Bull
  • Hairy palms
  • Totally BOSS
  • TOTALLY BEAST

Windows

Windows has been abandoned by most cutting-edge computer scientists and is now almost exclusively a subject of cyberarchaeological study. After having been added onto by different Microsoft programmers for years, no one person, and possibly not even any collection of people, actually know how deep and convoluted it is. As a result, cyberarchaeologists have a wonderful time digging into the tangled, murky depths of its code and trying to figure out how it really works.

As a result all Windows have been replaced by Doors. However there have been problems in the progress. When some 3rd story Windows have been replaced by doors, there have been reports of students falling out without the intention of committing suicide.

Main concepts

Computability

Some computer scientists simply refuse to occupy themselves with real computer-related issues and will not stop going on about computability theory. This is known as the halting problem and has plagued computer science for epochs. ll

Recursion

Recursion theory is defined as the field of computer science that studies recursion. Therefore, recursion is the subject of study of recursion theory which is the study of recursion of the study of recursion of the study of recursion of the study of recursion of the study of recursion of the study of recursion of the study of recursion of the study of oscar wilde of the study of recursion of the study of recursion.

Infinite loops

Progress in this field of study has ground to a halt.

Segmentation Faults

This is how God instills fear into all computer scientist kind - its workings are incomprehensible, far beyond mortal knowledge.

NP Hard/Complete Problems

Problems which are too much effort to solve such that computer scientists get lazy and decide to brand them "NP-hard" or for that matter "NP-Complete". Experts in their field of escapism Computer Scientists have come up with a novel terminology. Not surprisingly, the otherwise awesome technique known as "lazy evaluation" (consisting of not evaluating the problem at all) has proven useless for 98% of the tested NP Hard problems. The other 2% just caused the machine to spontaneously combust.

Fun Facts

See also

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