Lumpy, ugly, and sad -- is this you?

“Balance the thing most important is”
~ Yoda on Skin

Do you hate the skin you were born in? Do you detest your lumpy gray appearance, and wish you could just iron out those nasty folds? Do you feel even more embarrassed by your skin than you do by your nose horn?

Not sure? Then ask yourself these diagnostic questions:

  1. Am I frequently invited to parties? (At least once a week?)
  2. Do my friends tell me they cried after I fail to show up on "game night"?
  3. Do I have to turn off my cell phone when I go out to a bar with the gang, because I get so many calls from modeling agencies who want to hire me that it disrupts conversation?
  4. Have I had to have my name removed from the ballot (because I didn't really want the job) after a group of anonymous admirers had me listed as a candidate for governor?

If you can't answer with a resounding yes to at least two of these questions, then maybe you should consider a skin change.

But just the same, maybe you don't think it would feel right to go all the way, and move into a totally human skin. Humans are so soft and squishy, and they're so slow, and they eat such weird stuff.

Perhaps what you may really want is a compromise skin. Not so soft and squishy as a mere human skin, but still at least a bit more softly caressable than the one you were born with. But even if you've thought of this, you probably didn't think it was possible.

Genetically Engineered Skin Changes Edit


This could be you!

At last, there is hope for folks like you -- through the amazing new process of GMO Skin Implantation!

With a simple procedure, hardly more complicated than an oil change, you can have human genes inserted into your genome, to give you the soft, touchable epidermis of a human while leaving your tough, resilient dermis intact. And the beauty of the technique is that you can specify the exact number of human genes you want, in order to fine tune the process for your exact body and personality!

What To Expect Edit

On the day of your skin change, you'll want to arrive early at the Lab (not just because you're eager to begin, but also in order to give us time to clear you through our Level 4 Containment Security Perimeter).

After a few simple tests (involving the excision and percolation of a few grams of skin and the underlying tissues), our team of crack scientists will construct an image of your entire genome. What's more, though other labs might charge you thousands of dollars for such work, we'll do it entirely free.[1]

With that in hand, they'll then proceed with the gene changeover. In a simple procedure, we drain out the non-fixed fluids[2] from your body and, after a brief stay in a pressure tank[3] in order to express the last of the fluid, we replace it with a modern entirely synthetic[4] melange which contains a delicate infusion of the appropriate genetic information.[5]

After fluid replacement, you'll spend the rest of the day relaxing while our surgical team removes your old, outdated integument and wraps you in a proprietary protective "cocoon" where you can complete your metamorphosis in the comfort of our custom built 'hive'.

And in just four short weeks, you'll be bursting out of your cocoon to greet the wonderful sight of the new you looking back from a mirror! And of course, though everyone has loved the work we've done, and we're sure you will too, if there is anything you dislike about the result, there is a money back guarantee.[6]

So you can rest easy, knowing that you're in good hands, and that we have your best interests entirely at heart.

  1. Free testing is available on condition that you assign all rights to your genome to our laboratory, including both sale and reproduction rights. Note that we won't sell your data to any third party save in cases where it could be possible to realize adequate profit from such a sale.
  2. That is, the blood
  3. About two hours, actually
  4. We use a proprietary mixture based on the finest oils from Saudi Arabia.
  5. Genetic information is carried by retroviruses, which are packed into the new "blood" to a density of at least 3x106 per cubic centimeter, with a purity of at least 50%, and a guarantee that no more than 10% of the infused virus particles will be related to known contagious diseases.
  6. Up to 10% of the fees may be refunded to you, less certain costs and overhead.