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“Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.”Competitive eating is a "sport" that involves fast-food junkies stuffing their mouths with as much food as possible, typically against better judgment. I know, it's disgusting isn't it? Competitive eating is one of the most popular activities in the Drunk Olympics and has long been dominated by the Americans, whose diets consist solely of fast-food. However, the Japanese, most of whom survive on only 1,000 calories a day, have recently established dominance in competitive eating, though this is likely part of Japan's wicked plot to defeat America in every activity known to man. Along with Cup Stacking, competitive eating has become the world's most popular pseudo-sport.
The sport of competitive eating originated in 1939, when Benito Mussolini challenged Adolf Hitler and Emperor Hirohito to an eating contest. Thus began the first annual Axis of Evil Hot Dog Eating Competition. Although the sport of competitive eating quickly became popular among the world's evil doers, it remained virtually unknown by the rest of the world. The sport became popular among Americans in the 1970's, when eating replaced baseball as America's national pastime. Americans, eager for an excuse to eat loads of crap, began to popularize competitive eating, and soon, eating contests were held in county fairs all around the nation. Today, to commemorate the first Axis of Evil eating contest, competitive eaters sing the Nazi anthem, "Werfen Sie den Juden den Brunnen hinunter", and salute the swastika before all competitive eating events.
Most recently the sport of competitive eating has included drinking. The introduction of liquid-centric competitive eating or sports slurping may see the sport embrace another type of competition. Sports Slurping involves competitors trying to consume an icy cold or frozen beverage (such as a Slurpee) as quickly as possible. The dangers of Sports Slurping included brain freeze, clothes staining and of course a sugar rush to the head.
Overview of I.E.A.T.! rules and guidelines.
- Mouths must be free of food by the ring of the timer's bell.
- Vomit is expected to be responsibly managed.
- In general, contestants must eat a shitload of food. Even if ending in last place, an eater is expected to step up and eat a month's worth of food in one night.
- No large dogs are allowed under the competition table.
- It is highly recommended contestants do not undergo gastric bypass surgery before an event.
- Judges are allowed to view slow-motion playback, on a monitor, to confirm if a participant is eating or vomiting.
edit The Chipmunk
The Chipmunk is one of the most commonly used eating techniques. Competitive eaters shove all their food into their mouths at once, causing their cheeks to bulge, hence the term, "The Chipmunk". However, this method only works well for eaters with exceptionally large mouths, and it frequently results in Sudden Exploded Head Syndrome.
edit The "Liquefy in a Blender" TechniqueThis method is favored by competitive eaters because it gives their food a sumptuous texture. The "Liquefy in a Blender" technique simply involves shoving all of one's food into a blender and pressing the "liquefy" button until the food turns into nondescript mush.
edit EventsWhile many of the initial competitions were held stateside, in popular spots such as Coney Island and Freemont Street, the growth of the sport has mandated it go global, promoting shows on the world stage. Under the umbrella of one of the largest competitive eating organizations, I.E.A.T.!: (Internationally Eating A lot...Tremendous!), the latest string of events have been staged in India, Ethiopia, Angola and Zambia. Winners of these events typically receive $500,000 in cash, a Starbucks sponsorship, 600 lbs of dry rice and lifetime supply of flu shots.
In 2006, a well known competitive eating grand prix returned to the states. The event, called "River of Food" (full name: "A River of Food is Gonna Go Down Your Throat"), took place in New Orleans. Also referred to as the "Katrina Show", it took place two days after Hurricane Katrina hit the city. The event boasted several competitions, including water drinking, pizza, chicken, hamburger, and cotton candy consumption contests. Each winner received $250,000 and keys to a brand new house. Then, in order to appease all the contestants, the promotion shocked everyone by handing out the same prize to all who participated. The event shared many parallels to the Tsunami Show, held in Indonesia, 2004.
Exciting new mixed competitions currently captivate the imagination of sport eating fanatics, among them:
Special Bicycling/Eating Mixed Contest: after a 20 kilometer race, contestants dismantle their bikes and eat them.
Eating/Marathon Mixed Contest: after consuming an entire baked turkey and a gallon of milk, participants complete a 17 mile race in Death Valley National Park.
- Apple Pie
- Hot Dogs
- Cornish Hens
- Boy Chickens
- Dry Rice
- Small Children
Regarding amazing categories, popular items like pie, hot dogs and hot wings have given way to more cutting-edge categories, such as barf. Since such a massive amount is produced throughout the duration of an average show, many eating competition promotions are now adding vomit drinking contests as the "Final Event".
edit Notable Competitive Eaters
edit Takeru "The Tsunami" KobayashiThis scrawny Japanese guy somehow managed to break the world record for hot dog eating. Rumor has it that he starves himself for a whole year until the annual July 4th hot dog eating contest on Coney Island. He earned his nickname, "The Tsunami" when he vomited after binging on hot dogs in 2001. His vomit flooded the coast of New York, killing over 100 and causing $50 million in property damage. Additionally, In his native Japan, he consumed several kilograms of noodles, chili oil, ice cream, and then broke another world record for passing the most fucked-up smelling fart.
edit Joey "Jaws" ChestnutJoey Chestnut, born in San Jose California, has the unique ability to completely unhinge his jaws. Due to a birth defect, his stomach lining is made of elastic and can expand to 100 times its normal size. He held numerous eating records in categories such as chicken wings, hot turkey wings and Cessna Skyhawk wings. His only real failure was in a lead paint eating competition, where he placed last. To his credit however, he was the only proud survivor of said contest. Chestnut recently defeated Kobayashi in the Coney Island hot dog eating contest, reestablishing America as "the world's most gluttonous nation". Unfortunately, he tragically exploded shortly after receiving his medal, ending his period of domination in competitive eating.
edit Skippy "Steel Throat" Hodgekins
This little tyke won his first competitive eating title at 3 months, when he bested some of the world's best eaters in a spaggetti eating contest. At one competition, in a matter of 60 seconds, Skippy managed to eat 100 times his body weight in spaggetti. When asked about his competitive eating success, Skippy responded, "Skippy full, Skippy no want eat no more."
edit Patrick "All Remaining Nicknames Have Been Taken" BertolettiHe is simply an up and coming eating sensation. A most noteworthy and memorable performance was in a 2007 Bangladesh show, where in the mad scramble of choking down 1147 packets of mayonnaise, Bertoletti didn't even realize he had accidentally devoured his own right hand. The judges debated whether extra points should be awarded, then opted to disqualify him.
edit Competitive Eating as a School Sport
Many schools across America (ranging from primary schools to colleges) have started competitive eating teams. It has become the most popular school sport in United States history, surpassing the second most popular sport, bashing one's head against a brick wall. It is now becoming normal for students to spend their first half of gym class exercising, and their second half wolfing down as many school meals as possible to prepare for their next meets. Some parents are concerned about this trend causing a rise in obesity, and several schools have mandated that each student who joins a competitive eating team be given a free copy of The Ultimate Weight Loss Solution.
edit Side Effects
BFCF: in a growing amount of cases found in participants of eating competitions, that scary big face that develops during a contest doesn't go away, resulting in a syndrome known as BFCF, or Big Fat Crazy Face Syndrome.
Sloppy-ass Eating Habits: contestants of eating competitions also begin to develop really awful eating habits. No matter how formal the setting, those afflicted prefer cupping large quantities of food with their hands and biting at the nearest mouthful that gets close to that big fat fuckin' crazy face of theirs.
edit Touching, Typical Tales
In 2006, I entered my first eating competition. Being a huge fan of the food, I chose to enter the chili corndog category, delicious. I had partied the night before and made the unfortunate error of helping myself to a large pizza, as well as unlimited alcohol and Vicodin. The day of the show I thought I felt pretty good, ready to eat. As the start gun was fired, I placed my face into the tray, quickly snatching four dogs in my mouth and eating all four simultaneously. I felt pretty good about myself, especially for drawing a gasp from the audience. I threw back a little water and started working again, dunking my head in the tray. This time, I was able to manage only two dogs in my mouth. I felt something very wrong and had to stop chewing. Through each of my two nostrils, a whole corn dog popped out, as if they each were giving birth to them. My sinus cavity was in pain, but I decided to push the corndogs right back where they came from. That's the last thing I remember. Onlookers reported when upon losing consciousness, I fell face first into the table, tipping over a surplus of chili corndogs, splitting the table in half and rolling forward, crushing 3 audience members. These fans were there to root for a competitor of mine; once my limp 300 lb body steamrolled them, they stopped cheering and immediately started screaming in horror instead.
Dr. Colon Destructo,
Mexican Pro Wrestler and Amateur Competitive Eater
A couple of years ago I entered the hallucinogenic mushroom eating show in Tijuana. There wasn't anything spectacular about the contest itself. I went up against three other guys, one of them visibly tripping at the end of the contest. Even though I won, taking in 132 lbs, I was not yet in an altered state. I stunned everyone: eating shrooms like a madman, and being as lucid as I could be afterward. I was a feeling a little tired though, so I made it back to my hotel room. Sometime during the next morning, the shrooms kicked in. Aliens were attacking the hotel; and I decided I would use fire to combat them. So I quickly lit my bed on fire, checked out, walked over to the parking lot and stole me a car. The aliens were getting crazy, so I sped through several red lights, and purple lights, to a gas station. I filled up the tank, then poured some gasoline on the roof of the car, lit that up, and then drove around town with the roof of my stolen car ablaze. It was a success: the aliens packed up and headed home; and I ended up on the news with 24 cop cars on my tail. Three years later, I remain locked up, but still hallucinating strong.
- ↑ Translation:"Throw the Jew Down the Well."