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“I always take a copy with me when I do my annual pilgrimage to Chernobyl”
“Only book I ever read.”
“In Soviet Russia, Communist Bible worships you!”
|☭|| Kоммунист перфецтион алерт!|
Whilst not necessarily written by a communist, this article may still be biased towards the perfect government system that is communism. Capitalist скум, approach with caution, for our perfect system may confuse and disorient you capitalist pigs! For ze m☭therland!
The Communist Bible is a collection of ancient writings found in a cave near the Dead Sea in the summer of 43' by an illiterate sheep herder who was shooing a crow off his property in the nearby canyons. Originally, there was rumors that such a compilation of Soviet truths had been hidden somewhere in one of the Soviet satellite nations. Apparently, they were all very very very very very wrong.
The Two Books, comprises the beginning of the Communist Bible. It is made up of two sister books: the Book of Glasnost and the Book of Perestroika. The Book of Glasnost, or "The Book of Openness", refers to the first humans, Nikolai and Natasha, being open to the evil influences of two evil beings, known only as the Right and the Left. In Glasnost, Natasha falls for the whiles of democracy, which forces Nikolai to kill her. From the Communist Primordial Ooze came forth Sonia, to replace Natasha. However, Natasha's original sin causes Sophia to banish the two from Stalingrad.
The second book, The Book of Perestroika, is all about the enslaved Communists attempting to escape the evil clutches of democracy. The protagonist, Lady GaGa, leads the Communists to safety, with the help of her disco stick, granted to her by Sophia.
The following are the surviving verses.
The Book of Glasnost
- 1 And in the day of antiquity, when Hillary Clinton was young, Sophia, Supreme Potato of the Universe, created two beings, man and female. Sophia named them Nikolai and Natasha.
- 4 Now, Nikolai was off doing something Communist. and Natasha was alone. As she was alone, Right & Left descended upon her. They began to teach her evil and blasphemous things, all to which Natasha believed whole-heartedly.
- 5 Right and Left then departed, leaving Natasha democrazy. Natasha told Nikolai. Nikolai was crazed, seeing the corruption of his wife. He slew her. Violently.
- 6 Sophia, feeling sorrowful for Nikolai, made a new woman, Sonia, from the primordial ooze. However, Sophia was forced to banish the two from Stalingrad, due to the capitalist corruption.
The Book of Perestroika
- 1 In the aftermath of the fall of Natasha, Sophia was very wrought with Nikolai and Sonia. So, Sophia decided, after losing at Yahtzee to Tom Cruise and having to pay rent on Boardwalk to God, to curse the two. and so their progeny was cursed, and fell into the servitude of those who followed Right and Left
- 2 And so the Communists were slaves to the Capitalists for many ages (a time span bigger than Jay Leno's Chin).
- 3 Until one day, where a certain Communist peasant named Lady Gaga decided to revolt violently against the Capitalist Czar Nicholas II.
- 4 Now, Capitalist Czar Nicholas II was very distracted with his empire. His wife was crazy and his cabinet was being brainwashed by a funny monk with weird eyes. As he was being distracted by his day to day problems, Lady Gaga saw this as the perfect time to strike the czar.
- 5 Lady Gaga asked Sophia for a weapon that could strike down the Capitalist Czar. Sophia presented Gaga with 3 choices: a Machine gun that shoots all the digits of pi, a pet grue, or a disco stick. Gaga, feeling the cosmic urging of the universe, chose the disco stick.
The Book of Marx
Several million years of awesome passed until Karl Marx picked up the quill and penned the Book of Marx. Although deemed heretical in corporate America due to its incessant hatred towards McDonald's, it sets the scene for Marx's more famous later writing, the United States Constitution.
- 1 One fine chilly Soviet morning, Karl Marx rose from bed, feeling more important than usual (and hated the evil golden arches even more).
- 2 Unbeknownst to Mister Marx, Sophia, the Omnipotent Potato of the Sky, had chosen Komrade Karl for an important task (unfortunately, this task wasn't the eradication of McDonald's).
- 3 For Sophia was unhappy with the way things were going down on Earth. All of this talk of the Free World and capitalism made her sick to the bone. So, she decided something must be done.
- 4 So, feeling especially enlightened, Sophia entered Marx's mind, filling his mind with anti-McDonald's ideas.
- 5 After a while, Karl decided to write a special book. Seeing as a manifesto hadn't been written, Karl Marx decided to write one with the help of some guy.
- 6 And so Karl Marx engraved 10 ideals onto two stone tablet, just for kicks.
The Book of Engels
The shortest book present in the Communist Bible. Seems to comprise of one singular message, shown below:
STUPID MARX DIDN'T GIVE ME ENOUGH CREDIT!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!
The Four Gospels of the Communist Bible
After the introductory books in the Communist Bible comes the (semi)-important Gospels, according to the essential principles of Communism's 4 Founding Fathers: John Lenin, Joseph Stalin, Mikhail Gorbachev, and Vladimir Putin. Each provides their own spin on the biblical history of Communism, so they easily found their way into the Communist Bible.
The Gospel of Lenin
- 1 After the events of the Lady Gaga Revolt and the writing of the funny little book of Commie ideals, Sophia chose a new person, John Lenin, to start the revolution.
- 2 And so Lenin ordered the Communists to build a storage box. And in this storage box was kept Lady Gaga's disco stick and the original stone tablets of Marx. And on top of this box were two golden statuettes of Nikolai and Sonia. And in between the two statuettes was a golden potato-effigy of Sophia.
- 3 And this box was called the Ark of the Communist.
- 4 And Lenin divided the Communists into two religious sects: the Bolsheviks and the Mensheviks.
- 5 And everyone lived happily ever after.
The Gospel of Stalin
- 1 However, there was one man, a certain Bolshevik named Joseph Stalin, who was not happy with living happily ever after.
- 2 And so, on the birthday of Barack Obama, Stalin summoned all of the crazed Bolsheviks he could find and seized the Ark of the Communists from John Lenin, who proceeded to sing the hymn "All You Need is Love".
- 3 And Stalin instituted himself as the new leader of Soviet Russia. And he moved the capital from Leningrad to a new city, named Stalingrad, after the place where it all began.
- 4 So Stalin killed off the Mensheviks with grues, Mudkipz, and Beluga whales. He also disposed of Lenin.
- 5 But there was a certain man named Leon Trotsky, who opposed Stalin. And he mustered all of the Grue/Mudkip/Beluga Whale impervious Mensheviks to do war with Stalin.
- 6 And Trotsky began to win over Soviet Russia.
- 7 Stalin, in desperation, called of Sophia to save him. And so Sophia gave Stalin an Iron Curtain. And Stalin used the Iron Curtain to destroy Trotsky and his army.
- 8 And when Stalin had ascertained power, he placed the Iron Curtain inside the Ark of the Communist.
The Gospel of Gorbachev
- 1 Many years after Stalin implemented the use of the Iron Curtain, a new leader arose among the surviving Communists.
- 2 And his name was Mikhail Gorbachev.
- 3 And in his day, Soviet Russia was being attacked by the recurring arch-nemesis of Karl Marx's day, McDonald's. And its capitalist whiles were converting many Communists from the Orthodox Communist Church of Sophia to the Corporate Capitalist Mormon Catholic Protestant Church of America. And a certain Ronald Reagan was spearheading the movement.
- 4 But the Communists had lost favor with Sophia. And so Sophia, who was off shopping at Wal★Mart, allowed capitalism to corrupt Soviet Russia
- 5 And it was under Gorbachev's watch that the Soviet Union dissolved.
- 6 And Sophia was sore displeased.
- 7 In her anguish, she sent a Unicron to destroy Gorbachev. And so he was destroyed.
The Gospel of Putin
- 1 In the aftermath of Gorbachev being stupid with capitalism and being killed by a unicron, there was a vacancy in the Russian throne.
- 2 Many leaders rose, but they normally lasted shorter than Sarah Palin's attention span.
- 3 Towards the end of this reign of short-lived Pseudo-Soviet Leaders came a man named Vladimir Putin.
- 4 Now, Putin was interested in a Communism revival. And so he instated himself.
- 5 And he spent his days spying on Alaska, until his activities were discovered by an Alaskan moose hunter from Wasilla.
- 6 And so Putin, being found out, could only wait in his chair until his term ended.
- 7 And he hated McDonald's with a fiery passion.
- 8 And thus ends the Communist Bible. WE WILL BE BACK!
~ THE ENDZ ~