Communism

“Drink Vodka, Fuck America!”
~ Lenin on Communism
“It's right if you don't think about it.”
~ Charlie Brown on Communism

Communism is the perfect form of government, although many capitalist organizations such as Corporate America portray it as an evil and exploitative regime.

Communism has never existed, anywhere in the world. It is a mistake to call the USSR, its gulags, China, North Korea, Vietnam, hippie communes, kibbutzim, or Cuba communist, but that's what a lot of uninformed idiots do. You idiots!

Sadly, all currently existing communist organizations (which are not really communist organizations really, er...) must be feeling pretty pissed off that they are not protected from being destroyed by imperialist groups, many of which, like the United States, are totally stupid.

Communist philosophy can be traced back to the ancient writings of Proletariat (not to be confused with The proletariat, which also has connections with The Red Menace). Communism can also be traced to Georg Hegel who, while not being political, planted ideas of opposites fighting into Karl Marx's head. As a matter of fact, Hegel, who was Marx's teacher, implanted a twin-personality schizophrenic disorder into Marx's mind before exploding, while laughing at his latest feat, in a fatal blow of TNT stuck in his anus by his frustrated student Friedrich Nietzsche. This resulted into the end of Hegel's long line of philosophical insanity, and in poor Marx's mind to be split in a bloody and never-ending conflict between his "crappy bourgeois elitist" ego and his "romantic proletarian worker" other self, hence came his central theory of a "class struggle" governing the forces of History.

Because Communism rejects property ownership and all property is held in common, it is the mortal enemy of Jews. Also of note is the remarkable ability of communists to not only survive, but thrive, entirely on vodka and radiation.

The Real Communists

According to the Vatican, God created communism as a way to make an idea(l) society after he created Michael Jackson and Disneyland. The plan that works on paper has spread quickly, but it soon became fucked up like everything else. But will God accept this defeat so easily? HELL NO. After God learned communism failed, he killed Saddam. The trick to getting communism working is all in the sales name. Communism doesn't sell and will make your project fail (e.g.-Soviet Union, China, the US Senate). If you plan out how you are going to sell it might sometimes. The secret is to get the leaders so drunk that they do not know what is what then put a slip in front of them that says they will allow communism to become the one and only party there than you are all set. Fuck, I'm off track, well, Communism is like extraneous equations those weird ones that make sense on paper but will give your calculator a "syntax error." Communism can earn your citizens bad names, like goddamn fuckin' commies (bleedin' in Britain). If you want it to work, then it's called socialism. Socialism has a slicker sound to it and is not extraneous (e.g.Sweden, Denmark, Iceland, Canada).

Fall of Communism

In the 1980s, many Communist leaders realized that Communism was too hip to be mainstream. One Communist leader, Mikhail Gorbachev, took hold of the problem and drove Communism back to its underground roots. Gorby sexed this underground flavor up with unheard of flirtations with the godfather of capitalism, Ronald Reagan. The Communism that came out of the 1980s was so fucking hip that even great critics like Peter Travers didn't get it. In 1991, Communism attempted a reunion tour starting in Moscow. However, it fizzled after a series of bad reviews. But, after 2000, Communism returned in full force, back by the hot, metrosexual Venezuelan stylings of Hugo Chavez, aka the Communist Fuck Machine. Chavez mixed Communism with zany new themes of Catholic religiosity, including his famous "George Bush smells like sulfur" quote. Although many people didn't get Chavez's crazy new sound, Chavez brand Communism is spreading like wildfire across the college campus scene.

Proof of Communism

Communism can be mathematically proven:

$a = b$

$a = a + a - b = 2a - b$

$a^2 = 2a^2 - ab$

$a^2 - ab = 2a^2 - 2ab$

$a(a - b) = 2a(a - b)$

$a = 2a$

$1 = 2$

However the Party states that:

$2 + 2 = 5$ (QED)

However, $(a-b)=0$. Thus, Communism is proven when you can divide by zero without destroying the world.

Communist Groups

The J.G. rantism Sect of Midwestern American 6th Graders, due to the fact that they have a small nuclear stockpile big enough to wipe out the French Canadians, is also a sizable communist country. (Ironically, the French Canadians will soon be turned to Communism, as dictated by the ancient Communist god Vyacheslavanichkasankovichovsky the Long Named, noted in Studies Upon A Lame Study of Russians - also ironically by an American who thinks he's Russian, and who can't help long, parenthesized and convoluted asides, despite purportedly bad English - how you say? - grammar, yes?)Formed in 2007 this is the newest Communist group, already rising to fame. Inspired by Trotsky and their cruel school curriculum and procedures they will soon be rising in the ranks. Members: Grant Whittaker (Founder) Jackson (Supreme Overlord Maximus) and an army of sentient Sea Otters.