Command and Conquer - Generals

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Warning. This Article contains the spoiler that ABSOLUTLY UNRELATED BOUNCY RABBIT WINS against whole factions in the final mission, so, if you don't want to find out that ABSOLUTLY UNRELATED BOUCNY RABBIT WINS, which you just did, don't read it.
Because ABSOLUTLY UNRELATED BOUNCY RABBIT WINS.

Command and Conquer Generals
CnCGenerals
What did you expect? This is the real C&C Generals graphic.
Developer(s) Westwood
Release date 2003 and 2005
Genre history game
Platform(s) Computer
Rating rated "N" for NO SW N00Bz (means n00bs who think n00ks as true charm)
Would Jimmy Hoffa play it? only AOD maps becose it's N00Bz LOFL
“Scudbug? What Scudbug? This game is perfect. ”
~ EA - Generals

“Where is the sidebar?”
~ Oscar Wilde on trying hard to find the sidebar

“In Soviet Russia, Command Conquers YOU! ”
~ Russian Reversal on Command & Conquer
“Pr3p4r3 t0 t311 y0ur +hr33 3y3d g4ndch11dr3n 0f ur d3f34+ +h15 d4y...”
~ 1337 H4x0r Known as Dr Thrax on u


Command & Conquer - Generals is an infamous historical real-time strategy game, developed and produced by the Westwood. Main theme of the game is the actual war happened in the past, known as the World War 4.5. The goal of the game is to build up one of the three factions to near victory, and then switch to a different faction and destroy all of your progress. The game continues like this forever.


Factions

USA (United States of Atheists)

The USA is widely held to be the most powerful faction in the game. Their tactics consist of taking socially-inept country hicks and making them feel special. The most common USA units are blue-ribbon pigs and soybean farmers. The "Farmer's Tan" upgrade, the most expensive upgrade in the game, does absolutely nothing, except make all existing farmers on your team die (Yeah, I paid 5000000$ to see my ENTIRE ARMY DIE?).

Dog4
An USA Radar Van

China (Communist People's Republic of China)

China is considered by many to be the most clustered faction in the game. They use sheer numbers to win the fight. In fact, they may lose as many as—800,000,000 troops in a single skirmish. Some claim that their equipment is old and outdated, but it is in fact cutting edge. Their main strategy, when faced with a tank column, is to send so many men to pile onto the tanks that the tanks become overloaded and overheat their engines. And then they send Tactical Nuke Pigs to bombard an area with Napalm, which is very nice.

Their Main Hero is the Black Lotus, and she is a wannabe white gangsta who wants to hack and capture buildings for china.

GLA (Gangsta Liberation Army)

Not to be mistaken for the GLAD, the GLA uses guerilla tactics to win the battle. This includes spraing the enemy with a substance that appears to be vomit (which can be upgraded by mixing it with blue raspberry kool-aid). GLA soldiers have a tendency to pop out of holes at the most inconvinient times. They refer to this as the 'GLA Underground'. They are also guarding this for some reason.

The GLA fight for 'the cause'. To this day, no-one has worked out what 'the cause' is, or why the GLA are so worked up about 'the cause'. This is disturbingly similar to Iran.

North Korea The Democratic People's Republic Of Korea

The Korean Faction is omitted from later versions of the game due to agreements made at the Geneva Video Game Convention. Many matches involving this faction have large sections of the map rendered in low resolution to block out the atrocities committed by them. Human (and vehicle) rights are thrown aside as the North Koreans torture and starve even their own workers. Needless to say, they are the most popular faction to play. IMPERIALIST LIES!!!

Generals

There are nine generals total in the game, each of which uses an array of unique weapons to devastate its opponents. They only appear at the zeroth hour before surrender, so it's not actually clear what use they are.

  • General Alexander (Superweapon)is a female USA general, who uses a bunch of EMP missiles which drain her power supplies. Her EMP missiles cost $100,000,000 and kill a 500$ plane, but much faster. As every other USA general, she has precise weapons, so precise, she can actually choose which finger her missile is gonna tear off 150 km away. Unfortunately, her EMP missiles release a bunch of waves that fries their own internal systems, thus they miss everytime. She has no tanks, but she has a super bomber, notorious for being able to deliver its super powerful bomb, and die immediately after. Some call it the ultimate suicide weapon, others call it the omgwtfh4x0r bomber. She is the only General that can build Super weapons at half the price for her cousin being Superman helps her to build them faster and cheaper
  • General Granger (Airforce), a USA general has super aircraft and stealth Comanches that own all. What's that? Tanks? No thanks, but no tanks for him. He is more famously known as a relative of Hermione Granger. it is rumored that she gave him the magic power he needs so desperately, because his super flying machines frequently get punk'd by cheap GLA Quad Cannons, and Fai's Minigunners. His aircraft have remarkably accurate missiles, as long as you don't move.
  • General Townes (laser) is another USA general, who has pinpoint lasers that cut through tank armor like a knife through hot butter. He has crappy aircraft, and a Laser Tank which stops every time he has no power because they use massive extension leads that plug into the base power. He has Laser Defense Turrets which kill everything nearby, and consume enormous amount of power. His Laser Turrets are 00ber, but nobody cares because he's too busy building power plants to care about aiming the damn turrets.
GeneralTownes
General Townes, in the morning, before he put on his makeup.
  • General Kwai (Tanks) is a Chinese generals specializing in tanks. His tanks fire rapidly, but frequently get punk'd by Granger's planes and GLA terrorists, because they're slower than an old granny. He has problems with his strategy, as his infantry units go faster than his tanks. With the fuel prices skyrocketed, much of Kwai's armored divisions are sitting in his bases like scrap metal.
  • General Fai, (Infantry) a Chinese general, specializes in selling Erection Plus to Chinese soldiers who than rape any women they can lay their hands on, sometimes even every man they can lay their hands on. The result is a flood of kids which are than quickly recruited by Fai, and turned into soldiers. He has a super Horde bonus, and his soldiers are much more powerful if there is a 1,000,000,000 of them. His Minigunners kill planes too, but frequently get punk'd by Dr. Thrax's Kool-Aid. They always drink it because Fai doesn't give 'em enough food and water. What?! Do you know how hard it is to feed a horde?!?!?!?
  • General Tao (Nuclear) is a Chinese general more radioactive than Chernobyl. He has beefy tanks that fire nuke shells, and kill everything, but they're disposable, as the radiation consumes them after 3 minutes. His soldiers die from radioactive ammo as soon as they roll out of the Barracks, but he doesn't care as he has MiGs that can fire a nuke missile at a tank, create a nuclear mushroom, flip the tank over, and return them on the ground without causing any damage to them.
  • Dr. Thrax (Toxin)is a GLA doctor who got his degree in a mail order college. He specializes in ambushing drink factories and sabotaging them, so they produce Kool-Aid for him to throw at enemy troops who than produce fart-like noises, and fall on the ground, and remain purple for some time. Every weapon he has is full of this Kool-Aid goo, that contains highly toxic H5N1 virus, which he sells to the Chinese to throw at the USA, for an increased source of revenue. If you beat him, you will see that the guy can't even shave properly.
Drthrax
Dr.Thrax can be depressed too: for instance, when player hax0r him with brand new Contra 007 mod while he dunno how to counter.
  • General Juhziz (Demolition) is the only GLA general, and the love child of Osama bin Laden and Michael Bay's special effects guy. He loves strappin' high explosives to everything, and blowin' them all up. He has more powerful Terrorists, and when his units are killed, they explode, and shoot up 10 km in the air. He is most famous for being the only general who can kill Kwai's Emperors with just a few villagers. He thinks of Alfred Nobel as a god, and is the only person in the world who can actually eat Dynamite. His Martyrdom 101 lessons are very popular with his recruits, unfortunately he can only demonstrate once.
  • Prince Kassad (Stealth) is that badass motherfucker with the assault rifle and the look of quiet exasperation. This guy spent 15 years in a Serbian military prison under torture just to prove to his now ex-wife that he could take custody of their children. In addition to being a badass, he is also a total douchebag, as all of his units are invisible, and have the tendency to surprise opposing forces at the most inconvenient times, and subsequently blow their heads off. Plus, you can't even see his God damn base on the map. Which creates a problem for the player as he has to remember where he built his structures for they are invisible even to himself!
  • General Kang Seung-Jae(Covert Execution) is a North Korean commander notorious for his "Mass Capitalist Execution" upgrade, which drops tens of thousands of Capitalists from North Korean Mi-24 helicopters and splats them on the ground, causing the USA economy to collapse simultaneously. He is the only general in the game that can build the Ever victorious undefeated glorious Korean People's Democratic Force of Awesome Power, the most patriotic unit in the game, seconded only by the Chinese red guard. Can also start military coups in other countries, causing their armies to convert to North Korean Juche and submit to his command. Is 14 years old.
  • General Moon (Moonlighting) Is a North Korean general who stole the USA's particle cannon & made it even better. This time, it can shoot Nuclear missiles & Scud missiles out of the sky, and it can be used in conjunction with landmine drops to blow up the whole map. His only weakness is James Bond, but Bond is pretty hard to find...
  • General Song (Revenge) is the military dictator of North Korea who took power by shooting his ageing father in the face and firing nukes at every country that hadn't sent the DPRK a Christmas card in the last 20 years. His part of the North Korean faction gets all the best units, like Bob Dylan and this totally sweet hybrid car. Song was thought to have been killed later in the game by a Swedish viking with a mohawk, but later re-emerged in Venezuela with a new physics engine and a glow tool.
  • General Leang (Everything) Is a super-powerful Chinese General stationed somewhere near the Chinese-Tibetan border. Her base is very well protected & will fuck anything up that tries to destroy it. Well, at least that's what she wants you to think, but there are 3 special bunkers that can be destroyed to reset the superweapon timers, giving you more time to find the poorly-defended power plants & destroy them so that her defenses & superweapons won't work, giving you the opportunity to blow her base to smithereens.
  • General Mohmar "Deathstrike" (Osama Clone) is an ultra-powerful GLA general. After the USA defeated Dr. Thrax, there was a vacuum in the GLA leadership that he was able to fill thanks to his sheer bulk. His army had the best of everything that the GLA had to offer, such as working radios and air-conditioners. Don't fuck with this muthafucka, and you might get a ride in his totally sweet limousine.
  • General Ironside (Son of a iron anvil) is a largely unheard-of USA general. He is rumored to have massive armored divisions, supposedly rivaling those of General Kwai, but he has never been seen during the conflict. Some experts say that he's dead in the first beginning of the game and probably living as a piece of iron within his tanks hulls
  • General Genitals Supposedly the strongest general.
  • General Z0MG D4T H4XX0R D00D DAT ALL LIEK H4XX0RSSZZ!!! Has access to hackers which, when a copy of this game is bought, hacks the copy of the game so that his stuff are invincible and act like nuke trucks. Just without the nuke trucks dieing. Or any of his stuff.

Heroes

Generals3
Colonel Black Jarmen Kell is the most sexiest and the strongest unit, which costs $150,000 to produce...her clothings.
  • Black Lotus - The Chinese superhero. Yes, chicks can be black too. She specializes in running up to a vehicle or building and doing a striptease so the vehicle or building stops working temporarily. Only works in the day as she cannot be seen at night. General Fai can train her at his brothel so that she can hack faster.
  • Jarmen Kell - A GLA dude which kills infantry efficiently with a long, big gun, and invokes the power of god when he comes across tanks. God seldom smites tanks for him, though. General Juhziz can give him explosives, so he die when he shoot.
  • Colonel Burton - A badass USA guy who's seen it all. Can destroy tanks in 2 or 3 hits, climb hills, plant explosives, & even kill planes with his knife! Kinda like the Hulk except he doesn't take as much steroids as the green guy does. Has been known to have sex with Black Lotus.
  • Kim Jong Il - The most powerful hero belonging to North Korea. Would be able to launch nuclear missiles if he could reach the button to launch them, bales of fake money, or send millions of starving refugees to raid the enemy bases for food. Has been known to freeze the game for months if used against the USA

Units

Units are well balanced.

USA

  • Ranger Niggers - The most common unit from Generals. Although they aren't niggers. They can fire an orthodox assault rifle and catholic flash bang grenades which can disable enemy infantry's eyes so the infantry cannot fight anymore.
  • Crusader - A balanced heavy tank that copied American M1A1. Comes with the friendly-fire upgrade.
  • A-106-5-Y83/87-TB-5.5-H1 "Big Bird 465" Attack helicopter- The unit with the big fancy military name that nobody can remember. Can be mistaken with Commanche. Motherfuckers say it's a Apache.
  • Commanche - a Native American warrior armed with an IRA hatchet and a simply fabulous singing voice. Is able to take down entire North Korean infantry battalions with just his ears.
  • General Custer - a jingoistic US cavalry officer that rides an Crusader tank and shouts politically incorrect slogans about Jews. In some countries, his hair is considered currency.
  • Battle Drone - A weak unit that noobs always produce. The only one ability of this unit is repairing friendly vehicles, however the drone easily become the first target of an anti-air base defence, so normaly the repair wont finish forever.
  • Pathfinder - Sniper who sees everything & fucks everything, except vehicles. He is useful on infantry war. Destroy da n00bz while they training Rocket Trooperz!
  • MDvee - The Deadliest unit in the game. This high speed vehicles does drive by shootings that destroy entire enemy bases. When Paired with the Ambo, it can repair damage done to it's self. Most people quit when it gets the Search And Destroy upgrade as it gives the MDvee more range then artillery units. It is also the 2nd fastest unit in the game. However, it can be killed by the Overlord. Not a humvee.
  • Humvee - Has no attack. Goes to iraq and gets blown up. Only buildable when the USA are desperate. Is always buildable.
Generals6
When pope unleash his power.
  • MOAB - That thing that explodes like all the other plane drops and stands for a million things. Also known as Mother! Omg A Bomb! Good thing for nerds.
  • The Wright Brothers' Airplane - This thing is rly ghey cuz it waz made in like the 1970s or something
  • Microwave Tank - Makes burritos for the troops in case they get hungry. Causes cancer. Also because the US people are cannibals, it cooks troops for the military.
  • Aurora Alpha - An invincible aircraft that drops a small gay bomb, obliterating everything in its blast radius. Many players have been buttraped and become an heroes because of this plane. Only General Alexander gets this, the other generals get a plain Aurora with a shittier bomb.
  • Mr. T - Many people claim that the only reason they bought the game was to see this unit in action. Unfortunately, he is much weaker than his real-life counterpart, having only \infty attack and \infty defense.
  • Paladin - USA heavy tank. With its bubbles, can stop everything with its hammer of wrath. This is probably the most strongest and balanced tank ever, that even the lich king George Bush appreciated and stated "teh facking noob palas need to be balance the fackers always bubble when they are dying". fuck them. This tank's idea was taken by General Motors Defence Indusrty, before filed for bankruptcy. After a five-hundred billion dollar bailout by the government, GM ran new ads.
Dramarescue
G.I. Burton dodges yet another Chinese nuke, only to land on a Rabbi.
  • Dschinghis Khan - A German disco group used by the USA that uses their funky disco instrumentation, funny German lyrics, exotic costumes, & funny dancing to confuse their opponents so they can get off some cheap shots & win. However, these guys are easily pwned if they fail to confuse the enemies. Orginally formed to counter the GLA's horrific Bollywood R&B. However, this unit is no match for the GLA's ABBA, which is acquired in the latter part of the campaign when Sweden allies itself with the GLA and subsequently invades Newfoundland.
  • King Raptor - Upgraded F-22 that transforms into a dinosaur. The Raptor from General Granger can't be shot down with missiles because it is an endangered species and therefore protected by a Greenpeace laser. Comes armed with titanium carbide teeth and claws which are used to hunt their natural prey: Overlord tanks. Will only attack weak and vulnerable Emperor Overlords though. American nerd rapper Soulja Boy says "the dopest unit eva". Travis Barker remade the song.
  • Tomahawk Launcher - Shoots a USD$600,000 missile that goes as far as a $500 GLA rocket buggy. As a bonus, the Tomahawk missile itself can be shot down..
  • B-52 - Well armoured plane. Useless, except for bombing defenceless cities. In battlefield situations its destiny is very poor, 99% of B-52's get shot down by enemy base defences after dropping their payloads.
  • Barack HUSSEIN Obama - According to rumour, this unit is a spy for the North Korean faction. Upon creation, the USA faction will be forced to implement socialized medicine, voice its support for Hezbollah and give the poor a tax refund. Since the GLA are poor, Obama does, in fact, give aid to terrorism.

China

  • Battlemasta - Despite claiming to be a blackbelt in battles, the Battlemasta's street cred was severely weakened when it was described as "weak against infantry" in the game. EA later faced a lawsuit from the Chinese Communist Party.
  • Supply Truck- Gathers supplies for the first 4 minutes of the game. After that, all they're good for is cannon fodder. Some modification allows them to be upgraded with turbo charged enhanced NOS engine, that make their speed 15% faster.
  • Red Guard - A no good hoodie that stands around while being fired at whining piteously about how he's dying. The Patriotism upgrade makes them slightly more useful, as they stand around while being fired at reciting the Little Red Book and bowing eagerly. About the only reason to get Red Guards is that they can steal enemy horses. General Fai gives these guys miniguns so they can shoot planes, in two shots, and they gain 1 rank point for shooting down an unarmed plane..
  • Chu Chu Train - An unfair weapon that kills everything from cows to Overlords in enormous speed. It also destroys building stands on their track completely, so even GLA hole cannot remain. Probably the most strongest unit ever. Also, you cant forget to mention that it has health as a building, so it cannot be destroyed easily even with the nuclear missile. Rare trains in reverse also give units teh power to fly.
  • Convoy Truck - It appears in the first mission of original Generals. The name is misleading, as this truck is never seen as part of a convoy. It is wanted by the KGB, the FBI, Chairman Mao and Chris Hansen for doing the world a favour and blowing the shit out of Tiananmen Square.
  • Napalm Striker - It exists in World Builder tool, but we dunno what it is.
  • Nuke Truck - Usually used just as a prop in the game, but if you come near it, it's gonna blow the whole map up.
    Picture1
    A typical result of uninformed Chinese soldiers spitting on the Nuke Truck
  • ECM Tank - No one to date has figured out what ECM means. However, the waves from this vehicle have a nasty side effect that makes pilots drunk, making them miss 100 percent of the time. Can be focused on a unit to make it take viagra and ecstacy, which in turn makes their dicks fall off.
  • Hacker - Though he calls himself a "hacker", all this cretin does is rip people off on eBay and pay you $6 an hour. His only claim to fame is that he met Henry Rollins once. When off duty, he fantasizes about Colonel Burton Black Lotus.
  • Dragon Tank - The low-tech Chinese alternative to the Microwave tank. Fries food for troops. Can be upgraded with extra-potent napalm, that comes complete with food additives in it. Note that if the driver was Cantonese, he/she will try to cook everything that moves on the map for food. Arab wang soup anyone?
  • Black Lotus - Small plant that has hacking and camouflage capabilities. Cannot be tapped for 3 mana.
  • Nuke Cannon - Mobile nuclear warhead launcher that can destroy any thing that stays still for more than 2 seconds. Air resistant and water resistant otherwise susceptible to wind damage and all other types.
  • MiG - A Su-47 4th generation fighter which carries two incendiaries. It sucks until you produce 4 of them, and launch 8 missiles on the target at the same time. It is well known that the extraordinary flame projectile also can be created when the missile hits an air target.
  • Overlord - Besides having more guns than any other unit in the game, it can squish everything under its treads. This motherfucka is INVINCIBLE!!!!1 One besides the unimportant fact that it cannot outrun a stupid soldier. 'Can't' Kill MDvees without the help of the ECM tank. General Kwai has developed an Emperor Overlord to stop normal Overlords. Overlords can be upgraded with each of three different strategy plans:
    • Gatling Cannon strategy plan - Set up a huge gatling cannon on the top of the hood, which makes any immortal infantry too vulnerable.
    • Speaker Tower strategy plan - Replace two main guns with two giant speaker towers, which can physically transform enemy unit into ally by mind control.
    • UBERLORD strategy plan - Also known as Bunker upgrade, which makes Overlord become a huge bus. No one upgrades this one.
  • Listening Outpost - An outpost that will listen to your problems. The result of a morale building initiative commissioned by the Chinese government to combat manic depression in Chinese soldiers. They are constructed at the far reaches of the Chinese war effort are occupied by a counsellor and a really comfy couch. He's a doctor, too. He's got a diploma and everything.
  • Moving Outpost - An outpost building that can move. Normally it looks like an usual Arabic buildings that made by adobes and sands, but when it starts to move you will notice a couple MiGs are incoming to blow your fucking head off.
  • Attack Outpost - An outpost building that can attack. Normally it looks like an usual Arabic buildings that made by adobes and sands, but when it starts to attack you will notice a couple Asian chicks inside who were taking porn movies are grabbing 20mm Vulcan Cannon to blow your fucking head off.
  • Chairmang ROFLMao - A General who leads vast majority of Chinese Red Guard Platoon 52 only due to his homosexuality. Although his ability is limited to frontline cheerleading, Internet Center allows him to produce homemade Spy Drone to recon and spot the enemy Chairmang ROFLMao. This unit known among Generels player with his black beret and green down coat, which costs $1200 (80% of his training cost).

GLA

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GLA's latest offensive terrorist cannon, can shoots you while walking! Be scared!
  • Rebel - A Taliban guy. He has soul.
  • Radar Van - A GLA unit that plays Arabian Hip Hop through the loudspeaker on its roof, causing any enemy unit in the area to scream for mercy and thus reveal their location.
  • Bouncy Castle - A very powerful unit. Often mistaken for a building. Never mistaken for a charcoal briquette.
  • Worker - He will work...and get killed by everything else in the game. At least the dozers can run people over. He is not even funny because sometimes he mistakenly die while clearing the landmines. can be upgraded with shoes, but he will get foot rot as a result making his health decrease by the minute
  • Toxin Tractor - Runs on fumes & shoots toxic goop at infantry. Rode by old man who can't speak English well...well, its tank is full!
  • Cheese-Its - Those aren't in the game, dumbass, you just spilled a bunch on the keyboard.
  • Hungry mob - Swarm of starving cannibals. Goes around the map in an uncontrollable rampage, eating everything, including itself. Not to be screwed around with. Is avalible to the GLA and North Korea. Is \infty times the regular retail size when used by North Korea.
  • RPG soldier - Typical uninformed insurgents with RPG that reloads faster than any other designated USA missile system. Its preciseness also surpasses any other veteran soldiers. Their only drawback is that their RPG looks too much like penis (after taking Viagra) thanks to EA's perfect graphics; this will cause homosexual players to masturbate to death. Dr. Thrax's RPG soldiers have some Kool-Aid in their rockets.
  • Angry mob - Swarm of disgruntled tax payers. Upon being given AK47s, they somehow become stronger than any trained soldier in the game, and are able to kill anything that doesn't fly. Sort of like Yuri, complete with the feeling of imbalance. The most funny way to kill them is dropping toxin bombs so they can fly to the heaven.
  • Scorpion Tank - Basically the light tank of the GLA. Although its a sordid remainder from WWII, Scorpion Tank can be armed with a butt secks missile that can rape an entire tank battalion. can be upgraded with Kool-aid cannon shells... to spread the koolness
  • Marauder Tank - Heavy GLA tank that sorts through your scrap when you die & evolves into a cheap Overlord ripoff.
    Scud launcher
    Bomb truck, modified with nuclear missile upgrade.
  • Terrorist- He makes the sacrifice, so you don't have to.
  • Battle Bus - Turns hostile materials into soup, which is used as fuel to keep the bus running and thus create more soup. The cycle of the bus goes round and round.
  • Quad cannon - A big huge GLA machine gun on top of an old truck. Is known to cause mass suicide of infantry, just like its better off cousin, the gattling tank, who could afford armor, tracts and better guns. Four on the floor!
  • Rocket Buddy - Some redneck who stole a kid's go-kart. Having very little armour, there only strength is that the "Rocket Buddies" straped to the go-kart will hug any infantry to death. They are immobile, a strange thing for rockets, so they must be within three feet of the target to lock on.
  • Bomb Truck- A drink driver whose aim is to drive into the opponent's building for booze. The truck carries highly flammable alchololic drinks. Can be upgraded with green mucus (blue kool-aid if you have Anthrax Beta, purple if you're Dr. Thrax) & more flammable alcohol.
  • Super Cycle - A motorbike that jumps over mount everest in less than a minute! w00t!
  • SCUD Launcher - This huge GLA mobile penis missile launcher that can fire high-explosive or anthrax missiles, speaks with a cunning voice but just as fragile as a Nuke Cannon.
  • Saladin - Paladin tank which hijacked and fixed up by GLA to make invulnerability against toxic weapons, stealth units, demolition infantries and Crusaders. Costs twice of the original Paladin, however it is the only demerit of producing this 00ber unit on the frontline.
  • GLA mastermind - If this guy appeared, your future is thrown into the dusk. This guy have highly advanced SCUD-3.1415 HEAT rocket that has all abillity of nuclear, toxin, anthrax, bio chemical, high explosive equipments, napalm, radiation, flash bang, fireworks, money, and rest of all weapons that unexplanable by the word. When he press a button to launch this missile, all units on the map except he and his ex-wife would get killed. Is not killable unless the copy of your Zero Hour is hacked by general Z0MG D4T H4XX0R D00D DAT ALL LIEK H4XX0RSSZZ!!!, which it always is.
  • The People's Army of Yemen - Like the angry and hungry mobs, the PAY is a group unit consisting of soldiers donning black berets, rusty old tanks and Yemeni prostitutes.

North Korea

  • Korean Kommando - The main Korean infantry unit: an uneducated Korean teenager, taken from the slums of Kaesong and armed with an AK-47. Needless to say, he is one of the smartest and strongest units in the world of Generals. Is almost unstoppable with the "basic training" upgrade.
  • Taepodong Missile Launcher - Fires dongs at enemy buildings, destroying them instantly. Its ammunition is doubly powerful with the "Fox News Scare" upgrade.
  • CR-22 Anti Air "Black Hole" - Strong anti air weapon that fires 4 EMP missiles that completely disable all enemy aircraft instantly. Can be upgraded by HEAT that improve the missile strength 25%, and Recoiless gun which can make a carnage of infantry.
  • Pyong Yang light tank - Tastes like a normal Pyong Yang Tank, but much lighter! Now sugar free!
  • Corean Gangsta - A Wapanese gangster. Good against enemy infantry that ain't cash.
  • Koo-Wang 27 fighting plane - A Chinese MiG renamed for legal reasons.
  • Spy - Can disguise himself as your friend or your foe. Apart from that, he's absolutely useless, but he has a sweet accent.
  • UFO - This unit producted to fear enemy cowards. You can purchase "Alien" upgrade so there would be alien inside the UFO. Although it doesnt affect to game.
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North Korean red army at it's finest.
  • Saboteur - Identical to the spy, but sounds like Bob Dylan and can play the guitar for you when you're bored.
  • Tank Bunker - A bunker that's also a tank. The fruit of North Korea's 14-year-long hybrid genetics program.
  • Badger - Flood any enemy base with these, and they'll accidentally the whole economy.
Generals2
Yes it's not Japan, but who said North Korean generals can't be "hentai" on battlefield too?
  • Warlord Tank - The consequence of Kim Jong Il's angst over the Chinese Overlord tank. Incidentally, it totally owns, and fires hungry refugees at the enemy, who either eat the enemy infantry or occupy their buildings and refuse to pay the rent.
  • Comrade Lee - Kim Jong Il's entourage. Careful, he knows Karate, Ju Jitsu, Tae Kwon-Do and the Bible. He is not afraid to use any of them to achieve his goals, which include Karate, Ju Jitsu, Tae Kwon-Do and the Bible.
  • Boat - This PT Boat is very dangerous. It isn't armed with anything, but the sheer sight of seeing a naval unit in Generals throws enemy forces into disarray and chaos.
  • Ever victorious undefeated glorious Korean People's Democratic Force of Awesome Power - A group unit the size of \infty angry mobs and 12 (North Korean) hungry mobs. Has a name harder to remember than that American helicopter I can't remember the name of. Can destroy entire USA bases with sheer patriotism. And nuclear missiles.
  • Godzilla - Can destroy entire bases with one blast of his Atomic Breath. Also has his own campaign involving destroying cities & fucking the other factions. Gets eaten by bunny rabbit, which then turns into a new Godzilla.

Buildings

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A view from Chinese internet center while satellite hacking, pretty cool.
  • Barracks- Where Obama used to live. Trains presidents.
  • Stinger Site- A defensive building. Launches a $500 missile that destroys a $50,000,000 plane. Can be camo'd.
  • Patriot Missile- A defensive building. Launches a $50,000,000 missile that destroys a $500 plane. Can't be camo'd. Go figure.
  • Gatling Cannon - A defensive building. Shoots $50 bullets that destroy both of the aforementioned planes.
  • Laser Turret - A defensive building .Only available to General Townes. Uses up $500,000 worth of power to destroy a $500 plane.
  • Yemen - Used by the GLA as a stealth structure, good for hiding and blowin' shit up. One of the strongest buildings in the game, considering the fact that its an entire country.
  • Black Market- Where black people go to shop. Sells porch accesories, fried chicken, ect. No, the cardboard version just pretends to give you money. Now that you mention it though, so does the real one...
    Recently we've noticed that Black Maraket can be bigger when the game continues for more than 48 hours (its income too: $20 per 3 second to $200,000 per second). This is because Goldman Sachs, the GLA's number one business partner, was recently taken over by Mohammed al-Fayed who thought it would be totally awesome to buy God.
  • Sneak Attack - A special power that automatically create a tunnel in the enemy base. Is very powerful as it allows enemy units to spontaneously appear in your base. Also sends near by crap flying into orbit. Becomes really awesome when you gain the ability to hook your sewer system up to it and realease a wave of feces (and urine, if you have the latest patch) onto the unsuspecting infidels, resulting in mass infection of Mad Man Disease.
  • Scud Storm - The most accurate, precise weapon in the GLA arsenal. Strikes within 50 kilometres of target. Its pinpoint accuracy is supplemented by the "Scud Bug" upgrade which allows it to be fired as fast as the mouse can click. General Juhziz took out the toxic warheads & shoved in more explosives in his Scud Storm.
  • Nuclear missile silo - Launches a super-destructive nuclear missile against your opponents. However, it takes a long time to get ready. General Tao can build cheaper & more powerful missiles. If "Uber Missile" upgrade is used, it can destroy the entire map, unless your some one lame who 1v1s on Twilite Lame.
  • Tunnel Network - A Small cave armed with a gun. Spontaneously transports units across the map to other caves. Comes with 2 free rocket troopers. Can be camo'd. Dr. Thrax's tunnels fire purple Kool-Aid.
  • Particle Cannon A hole in the ground that has a dish that can pick up 700 channels. Also shoots a beam of light that calls in Captain Planet. General Alexander's version is cheaper, more powerful, but doesn't last as long, and catches fewer channels. GDI tried to sue The USA for stealing the patent on the Ion Cannon, at which the USA general replied, "Sue us?! We are you! Just, *sigh* lamer." There is also rumor of a new type of particle cannon, one that has harnessed the power of Shoop-da-whoop.
  • Artillery Barrage A special power that tells EA where to drop all of the un-bought copies of the game.
  • Bunker China uses these for poker nights, rec rooms, and sometimes we really don't know what the guys in there do (Hint: Broke Back Mountain). Sometimes smoke can be seen coming out of the windows, giving evidence that some are really GLA meth labs in disguise, hidden by Bob Saget.
Nuke Silo
Chinese nuke in action. The Soviets are still looking for it.
  • Strategy Center - The only building without an exit. Here, the USA discusses what the hell is going on with Iraq. It is useless unless equipped with the "Search and Destroy" upgrade. If equipped with the "Search and Destroy" upgrade, a squadron of 100 $50,000,000 planes attempt to destroy every single GLA building in the game. (Even if they are your allies.) They usually end up destroying every civilian building in the game instead.
  • Palace - The GLA gets upgrades here & can put people inside. The North Koreans just think it looks pretty.
  • Propaganda Center - The Chinese use this to tell everyone else how 1337 they are.
  • War Factory - Builds wars.
  • Arms Dealer - Sells people arms. Comes with legs if you ask nicely.
  • Internet Center - The Chinese go here when they want to look at sxc pr0nz; or illegal downloads and use the AWP in Counter Strike. Turns into the World of Warcraft world epicentre if captured by North Korea.
  • Concentration Camp - A summer camp to help North Korean children and political dissidents with their concentration. Is available to North Korea and Yemen. Is also available to the USA after the "Patriot Act" upgrade, however, though it is called "Guantanamo Bay" and can only be constructed near water.
  • Cave - Can train & heal Godzilla & other giant monsters. Indestructable. Comes with automated M.O.G.U.E.R.A defense.

Popular Maps

Bang2
In reality, "Iraq" map has several unidentified IEDs planted over every camps that only GLA and Ba'ath Party know.
  • Tourny Desert - The only Two player map 'Pr0s' play on. It is perfectly symmetrical, and aparentaly gives each faction an equal chance of winning. Most 'Pr0s' develop entire strategies based off this map. Should you try to play any 'Pr0s' on a different map they will call you a "h4XinG nuB" and refuse to play you. In truth, they can't play worth a crap on other maps.
  • Alpine Assault - A two player map where you invade Switzerland and fight over oil derricks. In all reality, there is no oil in Switzerland, but EA never bothered to check.
  • Six Islands - This is the map where you experience how game difficulty changes during the multiplayer games. You can stay peaceful on your own island until the time of judgement comes. The timer waits for you for 8 minutes; when timer reach 2:00, you'll be able to build your Airfields or Tunnel Networks for surprise ambush against the enemy; when timer reach 0:00, you'll see strangely the sea level drops very quick and few moments later the enemy humvees rushing into your noobish base, pwning your ass.
  • Iraq - A large map that the USA believes has connections to the GLA and the ability to build n00ks. Primary objective of the USA faction is to control all Old Interesting Landmarks (OIL). If a player plays the map as the USA faction without an exit strategy, they may never quit the game, and will be stuck in it forever sending Humvees into populated areas just to see them get blown up. It is the only map where the player can play as the "Ba'ath Party" faction, which has control over every building and inconspicuous looking civilian on the map. In reality, every civilian object on it is armed with AK-47s and unlimited supplies of quagmire.
  • Destroy All Monsters - Only monster units are available. The other factions appear, but only as military units that will try, to no avail, to take down your monster army. There are 4 factions: Earth Defenders, Mecha Drug Consortium, Aliens & Mutated Crack Dealers.

Criticisms of Command & Conquer: Generals

  • Many people have accused Command and Conquer: Generals of teaching children to support terrorism. Those people were promptly told to Watch THEIR Language.
  • Many forum trolls / Westwood Fanboys / EA Haters / Blizzard Employees / general n00bs don't like Generals, simply because EA made it. They will go out of their way to register on forums they've never been to before simply to let the world know how much they do hate it, yet ironically they are members of communities that contributed to its "Best Strategy Game of the Year" Award.
  • Putting a flag next to a building and waiting ages for it to flash and suddenly turn a different color via magic paint will not gain you control or/and access to the building. Trust us, we've tried.
  • It doesn't have Russia. Seriously, the GLA goes into Russia and takes their weapons and their space-rocket pad... and they don't do shit about it? What the actual fuck?!?
  • Chuck Norris was actually angered by the fact that Mr.T was represented in the game and he wasn't, but had calmed down when he heard that the Chuck Norris unit couldn't be made because there is only one Chuck Norris.

Awards

In 1984 Command & Conquer - Generals was awarded the BBC Sports Personality of the Year Lifetime Achievement Award. It accepted the award quite gracefully, and gave a teary eyed speech thanking it's mother and it's coach before it was shot dead by a Westwood fanboy.

Mods

Generals modifications are mainly provided by the strongest multiplayer user who knowns as OsamaYoMomma (40324 wins, 22 loses, 73 disconnects) who paid a lot of bribes on EA. His sidekicks, Jarmen Kell and fourteen thieves, was secretly creating the mods to make GLA 1200% stronger while US doesn't have great changes. In 2005 the first mod known as GLA IZU DA BHEST! NIGGER mod, was released: however it got only a small reputation with big disappointment (sadly enough, the mod needs some pay-off to download: $2 for demo and $23 for full-release). Since then, many hackers have tried to create their own mods to create new factions, or make their country stronger, or just to erase Bouncy Rabbit so USA can win the campaign. Anyways, here are the mods which you can make you relax on your game time:

  • Shockwave - A mod makes your PC shockwaves when you got casualities, so you can feel like you're in an actual war footage.
  • Contra - A Russian-made mod. Contra adds an additional faction, called Russia. Russia is very strong because they have ability to call vodka thunderstorm (can be upgraded to cognac thunderstorm) which is very effective to make your soldiers get drunk and go insane. Some new units are including; Russian bulldozer, Russian Worker, Russian Angry Mob, Moving Vodka shop, Jumping Bears, Atheist Gangstas and Remaining Units from Soviet-Afghan War upgrade which reinforces 5 BTR-2s and 12 Glorious Vodka-Wanted Red Warriors every hour.
  • Rise of the Rex - An another Russian-made mod. But this seems different, because it adds an different faction called Dinosaur Kingdom. The biggest point of this faction is, they don't need money. They don't need supplies too. Those supply docks would easily become the breakfast for those T-Rex bustards. Their hero is an warrior known as YU-REX, who claiming himself as a glorious T-Rex who ate Yuri some centuries ago. Their superweapons are also glorious. One is called Suicide Godzilla (or Kamikazee Godzilla) Tactical Strike which make an innocent godzilla to sacrifice his life for the "cause". Another one is T-Rexaurus Beacon, which can call an anonymous T-Rex and let them eat everything from cows to Particle Cannons on the map and crush the landscape.
  • Middle Earth Crisis - An modification which can fight on the Middle Earth. You have two different factions called ßazra-wööl and X§yliaana. The most famous unit from each faction is, ṂåhlKKKava assault tank and GORF-777 long range rocket launcher.
  • An Art of War - This mod is an official Art of Defence mod. You can play only Art of Defence on this mod. You have new units such as Bradley and Blackhawks, but indeed you can play only Art of Defence on this mod. Thats why it got name "An Art of War" you lame zork.
  • C&C Halo - This mod makes you feel you playing halo, because Jarmen Kell extremely looks similar with Bungie.
  • C&C Unleashed - Makes you feel you playing Godzilla Unleashed.
  • Space Wars - Makes everything like a Star Wars game. Later released by LucasArts as Star Wars: Empire At War.

Let's Play Generals!

Pay $5 to hacker bitch. Otherwise steal it from thePiratebay.org. But Im pretty sure your hackers wont make cash for you when you go that way. They will also probaly hack you and make you pee.

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