Command and Conquer: Generals

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That-moment-when-you-realise-that-command-and-conquer-generals-is-already-happening-in-real-life-china-russia-usa-nato-isis

Good job EA. You just copied reality. How "Origin-al"

The first RTS by Art du Electronique not to feature sluts, Joe Kucan, or live action video cut scenes. Command and Conquer Generals however was met positively with negative reviews for its casual racial profiling, promotion of tree cruelty and inaccurate portrayal of Chinese people as they are far better mathematicians than soldiers in reality.

Also when compared to the previous Command and Conquer universes, people tend to immediately notice the distinct lack of Russians. When Vladimir Putin was asked to comment on the matter he replied, "Da. Everything is go according to plan comrade. Let Amercans and Chinese kill each odder. Is good fun."

Conspiracy theorists theorize that there's a theory Russia may have had spies embedded in the game's development team to coerce the game's future geo-political accuracy and ensure Donald Trump's Election. Instead of participating directly as a faction in game like every other C&C game, the Russians decided to back a Middle Eastern based group of eco-friendly freedom fighters called the GLA (Gay Liberals Association). just like in real life.

edit Plot

Generals takes place somewhere before World War II, but has no definitive timeline. Einstein had yet to fuck up time by killing Hitler and China had recalled 0.5% of the USA's debt. Unable to pay up, the Donald Trump said, "Fuck you!" and declared war on China. Thus beginning the first Pre-Tiberium war.

Generals Nuke Cannon Ingame

'Merican Nuclear Artillery irradiates already toxic Chinese landscapes

In short, China rightfully wanted the money it loaned the USA. The U.S. being their usual asshole selves refused and justified war on the grounds of manifest destiny. While USA and Chinese forces waged many random un-noteworthy battles, the Russian backed Gay Liberals Association stepped up its gorilla tree planting efforts to offset the carbon footprint of the USA-China war. However, the GLA became a bit over zealous in their tree planting strategy and commonly encroached on USA-China war zones, sparking further armed conflict. Had they not been supplied with AK-47s and explosive vests by the Russians, the GLA would not have been able to defend itself.

Bear-smokey

"The War Effort, of course" -Smokey

Many GLA planted trees were burned down by Chinese dragons or cut down by Comanches looking to turn a quick profit. This sparked outrage throughout the GLA and gave many personal reason to participate in the US and China conflict as a third combatant and plant more trees. Both China and the USA largely ignored them as gay tree huggers are of course, of little threat.

Scrin

"Whoa Shit, I mean, yeah that's a fair price" -Scrin think 1495 pennies is alot of money

Late in the war, the Scrin aliens decided it would be a good idea secretly intervene and sell the U.S. the last of their orbital laser canons for $14.95 USD. It was a dope deal because the US was pretty well broke and their soldiers could casually watch lasers burn millions of charging Chinese soldiers without ever having to get up off their couches.

The Scrin were able to put their payment of $14.95 into a high interest savings account, which over 100 years accumulated enough money to finance their invasion of Earth in the Third Tiberium War. However, because some of the money used to buy the orbital laser cannons was borrowed from China, the Chinese unknowingly owned the lasers that where killing them. The USA not knowing, China soon discovered the laser's true retail value. The USA agreed to give one to China, settling their debt entirely and ending the conflict.

Titler

"What?! The war's over? But it's not my bedtime yet!

Tiberium

Blue Tiberium in its purest rarest form

That's when some dude named of Adolf Hitler got real pissed that the war was over and that it was way past his bed time. In his temper tantrum, he massed an army of brainwashed Germans and started senselessly slaughtering Jews. China and the USA both said, Oh oh nooo. We're done with this shit. and decided to sit this one out while Hitler took over Europe against the Allies. That's when Einstein got a brilliant idea: I know! I vill go bach in time and kill Herr Hitler.

Einstein was successful but the result was Vladimir Putin (later to be known as "Kane") making Soviet Russia a super power called Bros of Nod. The USA and the Allies got their dicks chopped off (thus giving birth to the Gay Dickless Initiative or GDI), and dooming everyone to world of Tiberium drug trade (a green crystal meth substance that gets you loaded AF).

edit Factions

edit USA (United States of a 'Merica)

Colonel

KFC now sells Burritos

Fortunately, the US had been secretly helped out by an unknown alien race that invented the Cheeseburger (later known as Scrin from the inferior game of StarCraft) and had developed orbital laser weapons superior to the Chinese who were still using horses gunpowder and crossbows. The Chinese faction had to be very strategic in tackling the USA faction as body armored soldiers and machine guns tend to be far more effective.

EA designed the USA to be just like it is in reality. Decently equipped soldiers are sponsored by Taco bell and lead by Colonel Burrito, who is adept in taco warfare too spicy for the enemy. The Air force is comprised of Comanche Helicopters which would later be cheaply adapted into Apache helicopters by the Bro-hood of Nod, and their ground vehicles manufactured by KFC. Finger Fuckin' good!


edit China

China vs trump

"Fuck you china" -Trump on the USA's debt

China had lended the USA their entire gold supply, but didn't realize they needed the gold too. Rather than use their power of cheap labor to mine more they recalled the debt. When the US showed up with their tanks, aircraft and lasers Mao tasked General Mulan with assembling an army of conscripts, horses and dragons. Unbeknownst to the USA, China was backed up by their good friend North Korea who sent China their purest methamphetamine. China's Meth fueled military made one of their billion soldiers feel like two. Addict soldiers were promised freedom from beatings and more meth if they decimated USA targets. Many Chinese soldiers were too high or engrossed in math to overtake USA forces.

In game, China maintains an infantry heavy structure with classes including conscripts, Olympians, mathematicians and legally blind people. China does maintain a strong air force comprised of dragons which were successful in setting fire to USA bases and even the Whitehouse. However, EA's focus on ancient math based warfare was extremely inaccurate and offensive. Command and Conquer generals was banned in China. It was subsequently replaced with Math Blaster.

edit GLA

Tree hugger

Prominent GLA General

The Gay Liberals Association was founded in 1933 after a group of... (Shudders)...Liberals... felt there was a distinct lack of trees and Liberalism. In order to throw a wrench at the USA and China, Russia gave them a weekly allowance, some AK-47s and all their gay people. The GLA finally had the means to plant all the trees they could ever want and utilizing peaceful tree warfare tactics, they planted those trees to separate the USA and China. The idea was that the trees would prevent them from fighting, but were no match for Comanche chainsaws and fire breathing Chinese Dragons.

This lead to the largest slaughter of innocent trees in any war in history. The GLA post war accused China and the USA of committing genocide (Hey, it wouldn't be a war without one). The court later ruled that those trees would not have been killed if the GLA hadn't have planted them and found the GLA guilty of the genocide. Subsequently, all gays were imprisoned and executed in a mass genocide. Vladimir Putin smiled.


What EA was smoking when they came up with this? Probably crack...Yup, definitely crack.

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