Command & Conquer 3: Tiberium Wars
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|Command & Conquer 3: Tiberium Wars|
|Command & Conquer 3: Tiberium Wars|
|Mode (s)||Single player in closets/basements|
|Rating by ESRB||PG-13|
|Genre||Real-Time Lather-Rinse-Repeat Strategy/ Soapy Drama|
|Preceded by||Command & Conquer: The First Decent Package|
|Followed by||Command & Conquer 3: Kane's Waffles|
|Will you become bald after playing?||Highly possible.|
“Tiberium is bad.”
“Frak Me, I am Number Eight!”
Command & Conquer 3: Tiberium Wars is the first real-time strategy game of the series produced under the Electronic Arts brand name after a successful launch of the company's liquid capital bomb against Westwood Studios in 1998. The game succeeded the Tiberium story arc laid by the second installment of the Command & Conquer series (which Tiberium Wars refers to as the "Second Tiberium War") and continues under the premise of an outbreak of the "Third Tiberium War". It has been speculated that the fourth installment of the series will unfold the breathtaking story of the "Fourth Tiberium War", and the fifth installment, the "Fifth Tiberium War", and so on.
edit Changes in the Series since Tiberium Wars
The highly original alien race of Scrin was conceived at the EA Design Department as the masters of Tiberium technology after months of searching of cliched science fiction elements from Starcraft. It featured advanced, earth-shattering war machines such as Protoss Carriers, Zerglings and Terran Wraiths by Blizzard Entertainment in the same fashion that Robin Hood acquired funding from the rich and powerful.
As for the Scrin insignia, EA Los Angeles VP and executive producer Mike Verdu was watching Spiderman 3 (rated "4 out of 5 birds flipped" by the New York Times) and was "fascinated by the Spiderman logos". Hence, the Scrin logo is born, pertaining elements "inspired" heavily from Spiderman 3.
Also this faction is highly balanced as it can gather resouces three times faster than the other races and make it into T3 in the first 30 seconds of a game,when they they get a Tripod(not at all related to War of the Worlds) that they can use to kill every other unit.
edit GDI insignia
An unsuccessful change in the faction symbols was the new GDI insignia. The revamped insignia was based on a creative process of mixing and matching of the original GDI insignia and the Command & Conquer: Red Alert Allied symbol in a Blendtec blender of the YouTube fame. This caused an uproar across EA forums as fans whined and spammed the same topic from day to night for the following whole month. Verdu gave up on his failed logo and decide to revert back to the original.
Two high-profile "experts" from MIT (wearing thick black plastic framed spectacles, and dressed in orange HEV suits, whacking anything they see with their crowbars, jumping around like madmen with a fetish for climbing into vents) were hired to assist in Verdu's unnecessary research on the science of Tiberium. As the project progressed, the hiring was found to be a highly erroneous decision. The "experts" possessed no knowledge of the video game series and the fiction on Tiberium but were nevertheless forced by Verdu to randomly come out with something "reasonable". Being Superman fans, the MIT "experts" decide to cut and paste the legendary green Kryptonite from the Superman comic book series without permission from DC Comics into the portfolio. Verdu gladly accepted the new Tiberium design, and the new Tiberium was thus born.
The one and only Kane was back, again. This time, the self-proclaimed Messiah was out to lead humankind to Tiberium Nirvana, notwithstanding the fact that he himself was facing troubling issue of hair loss on the scalp and the more troubling issue of having excessive hair to grow on the bottom (goatee). As he had always claimed that he was godly and seemed to possess complete immunity to aging, which was proven wrong. The "Phantom of the Opera" -esque mask from Tiberian Sun had seemingly vanished into oblivion, lest mentioning the scars and other outward characteristics, and this observation is often linked by devout players to the presence of Sawyer, a character with a mysterious past.
James "Sawyer" Ford was crash-landed in a yellow zone after a horrific plane accident involving more than one hundred passengers and a substantial number of casualties. Sawyer, along with other survivors, must uncover the secret of his surroundings while battling against a mysterious organization known as the "Global Dharma Initiative". Following a series of freak accidents and unfolding events, Sawyer found himself completely lost in a video game with an uneasy company of enemies and friends.
Speculations on the presence of Josh Holloway in the series have been circulated widely amongst C&C forum-goers and bloggers in general. The popular opinion, though, invariably goes along the line of "I have no idea what the hell he is doing in that damn game."
Kilian Qatar, although granted the right-hand position in Kane's Inner Circle, was often referred to as "Number Six". She was believed to be a seductive temptress of a certain extraterrestrial, cybernetic race hell-bent on the destruction of humankind. Rumors surrounding an age-old legend and the general distrust between herself and her own fellows eventually brought her to the side of her enemies and resulted in her untimely demise.
Although Tricia Helfer was among the few of the cast members that actually knew what they were trying to accomplish in front of the camera, the rationale behind Helfer's re-hiring for her new role in Red Alert 3 was much along the line of "nerds dig her".
Sandra "Number Eight" Telfair, is an unknown sleeper agent programmed to believe that she is human. For example, she has been implanted with false memories of being raised on Blue Zone Sector B-2 by her parents Tanya and Carville Telfair, who supposedly died in an accident that killed all the members on the GDI's orbiting command station GDSS Philadelphia. Whether or not Tanya and Carville actually existed is unknown. During the time before the the Third Tiberium War, Telfair and a Chief are romantically involved, despite the fact that their relationship is against military protocol (she is an officer, that chief is enlisted). Due to her programming, she performs a number of sabotage actions (including stealing General Granger's underwear, placed it in Prof. Morrison's bunker and alerted the officials). She has no conscious memory of doing so. In time she begins to suspect something may be wrong with her, and when she does, it is already too late.
edit The generic GDI intelligence officer
Allison Cameron, also widely referred to by players as "that annoying announcer", is one responsible for the general information regarding battlefield conditions. Cameron was known to have a crush on a sarcastic, crippled field medic and often found using excessive baffling terminology that was summarily more confusing than helpful to players. Cameron was also notorious for her lack of character development and her generic nature of a "pretty brunette girl in a skirt".
Jennifer Morrison, despite her little enthusiasm in her role in Tiberium Wars, provides players a vital clue that Tiberium is actually "bad". Despite EA's insistence in re-hiring her for a new role in Red Alert 3, Morrison has decided to rather stay focus on bombarding television viewers with strange medical terms.
EA determined that the finest of script-writing could only be achieved by gathering a group of computer scientists in one room to work on an appealing story for the fan base. Unfortunately, most such scientists were simply annoying, white, and had no idea how to talk to women, and the discussion gradually divulged into heated debates on the tedious unit balancing mechanics that nobody actually needed. As the task further spiraled into a mud-slinging contest as to whether the beam cannons were underpowered, or on whatever computer scientists were generally passionate about, Verdu eventually realized the project was going nowhere and decided to ask every participating computer scientist to find a girlfriend and leave the script as it was, or, in other words, not much.
The storyline continued as the struggle of the charismatic man, whose world was either polarized for or against him, dragged on. Despite the planet's deteriorating outlook and the war-torn condition of human civilization, the intellectual think-tanks on both sides of the war decided it would be better for all of them to bring the bloodshed to a whole new level. Like the last installment of Bride of Chucky, Tiberium Wars was purposed to succeed the same storytelling formula passed on by Westwood Studios.
Following the Command & Conquer convention, the cinematics returned as live-acting cut-scenes that even the most devout Sci-Fi Channel viewers would frantically bash their keyboards to skip over. EA decided that the best of directing could only be carried out by the former prop-master of Tron. Rightfully, the quality of the backdrops was dramatically improved over those of the previous installments of the series. Actress Tricia Helfer even commended the scenery as "beautiful" moments before she was shot dead by Joseph D. Duncan for certain unfathomable, anxiety-driven reasons that only a prophet as grand as he was could understand or appreciate.
Scrin was introduced in the later part of the story as a certain form of sentient beings with fearsome bio-mechanical features and a mysterious hierarchy. Aside from that the new faction was there to fulfill Kane's vision of humankind's extraterrestrial encounter, it was likely unveiled in the story also for reasons that:-
- the scriptwriter simply could not be bothered with thinking of something original,
- there was a need in explaining why Kilian Qatar was shot, and
- Verdu hoped that such introduction would force the C&C fans to forget about the series altogether and save him the trouble of working on the next installment.
As the new war reached its climax, players were given the options to choose the ending based on their course of action in-game. On the GDI side, players had the opportunity of blowing half of Earth's surface into space or freely fondling cardboard representations of Jennifer Morrison and Grace Park as the reward of a war hero. On the Nod side, players were given the chance to either make out with Qatar's decomposing body or engage in some form of unspeakable acts with Kane's Inner Circle. Either way, the players were guaranteed a loser at the end of the day no matter the choosing.
edit Critical Reviews
Reviews regarding Tiberium Wars can be summarized in a speech given by Verdu at a EA press conference:
|Command & Conquer is back! We’ve taken the mix of soapy drama FMVs, spam rush strategy, and lousy storytelling that drag the same genre over and over again. Even better, the series is returning to its roots in the Tiberium universe. Players can take command of the downgraded armies of the Garbage Defense Idiots, fight for Kane and the Brotherhood of Nod, or control the alien buggers of our new third faction, the Screeen. I can’t wait for people to get their hands on this game, and I can't wait for my hands to get these people's money... Oops, did I say "money"?|
edit Sandra Telfair Edition
Command & Conquer 3: Tiberium Wars Sandra Telfair Edition will include an exclusive bonus uncensored, unedited DVD featuring behind-the-scene documentaries, deleted scenes and a blooper reel from the live action video shoots, a series of erotic DIY videos from the game designers themselves, and other bonus materials. Fans will also enjoy five exclusive uncensored wallpapers of various actresses in various states of undressed. Regarding the new Edition, Verdu stated the following:
|The Command & Conquer 3 fans are among the most dedicated in the world. It's very exciting to be able to create a special bonus edition of C&C 3 with our fans in mind... [W]e receive tons of hate mail everyday and something has to be done. So in order to shut these whiny geeks up, who simply have no life but sit in front of their computers and surf porn and whine and write hate mail to me... I just hope after this special edition release I can have some peace.|
- ↑ Oh no. ..It's Independence Day all over again...
- ↑ Or whatever they called that guy. "A-J"? Or something like that?.
- ↑ Yep.
- ↑ That's right. How original.
- ↑ Damn right.
- ↑ POP. Down she goes.
- ↑ Well. ..At least you'd get a promotion, so why not?.
- ↑ War hero?. Yeah, yeah... Blah, blah, blah....
- ↑ Join Kane. ..or... else.