Columbine High School massacre
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“He's popular, he has sex with a lot of beautiful women because he's handsome, he's a winner, he's rich and he's smart. I love him!”
“He loves minorities, homosexuals, the physically/mentally disabled, Italian midgets and--because of his compassion for them--would defend them with his life if necessary.”
“I will be starring in Columbine High School Musical 3: Senior Year next year”
“Don't look at me I didn't do it.”
The Columbine High School massacre, famous for being featured in When Cafeteria Food Fights Go Wrong, is considered one of the deadliest school shootings in American history. While school shootings are extremely common and an accepted part of American culture, certain elements of the Columbine shooting were extremely disturbing to the general public. The whole thing took place in Littleton Colorado, a small town outside of Denver formerly known for it's Wendy's and Taco Bell.
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[edit] Background
Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold were two star athletes with a history of passiveness and conformity. They were also fans of popular music, and especially rap music. Their love for 50 Cent was matched by no man. They often dressed in expensive white Nike basketball shoes, white oversized t-shirts adorned with sports logos, backwards white baseball caps, and baggy jeans. Eric was fluent in Spanish and often spoke with a fake accent, and loved Mexican rap above all other types. It was not uncommon for him to bring his boom-box and play it in the kitchens of the pizza place called Blackjack Pizza at which him and Dylan worked. Eric would translate it for all the people there while Dylan would set off pipe bombs to the loud applauding owner of Blackjack Pizza. One time when Eric was in a mall with his friend Dylan, he lied about his age to a woman 73 years older than him, who was allegedly one of the 34 people that gave birth to notorious singer/songwriter Marilyn Manson. Because of their love of sports, choice of music, and religious beliefs they were constantly harassed at school. The two were mainly harassed by the goths, who wore long black trench-coats and backwards brightly colored cowboy hats as part of their "I don't give a shit about the rules" uniforms.This popular clique of goths often teased them for their lack of black clothing and because they did not listen to industrial music. The only friends Eric and Dylan had were a small group of social outcasts who enjoyed rap, country music and sports. Because of their love of white sports jerseys, they called themselves the "White Shirt Mafia."
[edit] The Shooting
While April 20 is traditionally a joyous day of pot smoking (as well as Hitler's birthday, which explains why there are so many stoned evil Nazis out there), in 1999 it was marred by a senseless tragedy. At 11:14 a.m. Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold began shooting at their fellow classmates with illegally obtained firearms, or hijacking airliners and flying them into towers, or some such thing. (We presume the former occurred, as very tall skyscrapers are not so easy to find in Littleton, Colorado, although there are a number of sizable mountains nearby.) Despite the strong American gun laws, Harris and Klebold were armed to the teeth. Their arsenal included high-powered potato guns, a sawn-off Red Ryder BB gun, slingshots, waterballoons, and even semi-automatic pellet rifles illegally modified to hold 10 pellets.
Searching for their priority target, King Columbine II, they swept the school and attacked anyone with black gothic and Gothic Lolita clothing, although Dylan fired potatoes into the face of a cleaning lady who was accused of stealing scissors from his locker in 1997 (she was sentenced to life imprisonment in 2000). In the end, Dylan and Harris had caused minor injuries to nearly 4 people, one of whom had to receive 3 stitches. Fortunately, King Columbine II escaped.
When the shooting was over, Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris turned the guns on themselves, causing slightly-more-than-minor injuries to themselves. They now live life on the run, with the minor exception of this being that no one is really looking for them. They were last seen at a Good Charlotte concert, but no one was game enough to go in.
[edit] The Aftermath
The rapper Nelly posted on his website that he was horrified by what happened and claims his music had nothing to do with it. Everyone knew that was total bullshit, and Marilyn Manson even spoke out about this in an interview for Disney.
After the happening Littleton's new town motto became : "Keep driving folks, nothing to see here!"
[edit] Columbine High School Musical
A 13 minute movie created by Walt Disney based on the Columbine shootings, only a little more musical and a little less tone deaf. Walt Disney claims this will be the released in 2015, though sources indicate that he was indeed high off crack when he said this.
[edit] The Boardgame
A special version of yahzee was made in tribute to this incident, but it was called nazi for some reason, because apparently people think the shooters were nazis. The game sucks. It has nothing to do with anything. As a matter of fact, its just a blank piece of cardboard.
This game was made in memory of the victims that were shot and later suffered severe brain damage. It takes no knowledge whatsoever, and in fact is hard to find (just because the only ones who look for it have brain damage, and can't really do much).
[edit] The Movie
Columbine: The Movie was a movie that came out in 2003 after 9/11 so nobody gave a shit anymore. Staring Jon Lovits as Eric Harris and Andy Dick as Dylan Klebold. It was a buddy film of much satirical hilarity. Critics especially like when Andy dick flashes his penis and gropes young girls as he runs down the school hallways "Phil Hartman cursing" everyone with his gun. Many Bothans were killed in the making of this movie
[edit] The Game
The game "Super Columbine Massacre" was set to be released a century before the incident, in April of 1899 By Master of the universe Derek Smart. The release date was pushed back 100 years and it was so awesome that it actually became reality. The working title was actually "Super Coke Machine Destroyer 3D" but a glitch after release had the characters attack fellow students instead of the machines in the cafeteria.
[edit] Remake
A remake was made early in 2007, entitled "Columbine: Virginia Tech." The remake decided to take it to the next level, though not using any explosives or high powered weapones, it DID come with more deaths, half the assaliants, double the asian heritage, and also occurred at a college instead of a high school. The remake has had mixed success. Too soon? in other words. It was a very silly incident and proves once again that jesus saves.
[edit] See Also
- [[Hitler/Zoe Gruffin Tom Muller
- Virginia Zoe Griffin
