“fother muckers .....”
“Colorado is a dreary, miserable place. I wish to visit it again.”
“Colorado is a terrible place, especially for Californians and Texans. You probably shouldn't move here.”
History of the Square State
Colorado was discovered by the famous Starfleet explorer Christopher Pike in 1812, in spite of the fact that there were already people living there (who don't count) and in the course of being heroically captured by the Spanish (who also do not count). Pike mapped the area using an extremely long ruler, and named the vast rectangular swath of wasteland Rectangular Swath of Wasteland, which translates into Spanish as Colorado.
In the following years, as settlers poured in, the US Congress granted Colorado territorial status on the condition that they would forbid slavery and same-race marriage. Two states were eventually carved out of the large territory: Colorado (a geometrically perfect rectangle), and (as an after-thought) Wyoming. In 1903, Colorado finally achieved statehood and entered the Union as a Non-smoking but marijuana legal state for all eternity .
In 1999, there was a war between Colorado and Utah called the Corner War. This war was fought over which of the two states would get to be a four sided rectangular state. Obviously, Colorado won the war by default, leaving Utah in the state it's in (pun intended). Had Utah won the war, they wouldn't have to drive out of state anymore to get illegal fireworks because Evanston would be a city within the beautiful rectangular state of Utah.
In 2007, Colorado decided to have a baseball team. In a spurt of menergy, the Coloradans won the thing that you win in baseball, but got jyped because we're not cool enough.
In 1963, 1972, 1985, 1997, 2002 and again in 2007, Coloradans unsuccessfully attempted to liberate Colorado from the Californian and Texan invasions, which have left the state's highways, average literacy rate, over-all sex appeal and utter dignity in shambles. The latest attempt involved luring the Texans away from the state by shipping vast quantities of guns and George W Bushes out of the state, while luring the Californians away with extensive amounts of pot and long-boards. Unfortunately, the city of Boulder smoked all the pot before the plan was implemented, and the Texans all got a hold of the guns and proceeded to shoot each other, which, thankfully, lead to the death of thousands upon thousands of Texans.
Recent hopes in deterring the still steady CA-TX invasion have been anchored in the fact that the Californians and Texans have built enough crap and trashed the state up enough that its so ugly that people won't want to come here anymore.
The capital city of Colorado may or may not be Englewood, which is the state's second largest city after Wyoming City if any city in Wyoming actually consisted of more than wildlife and that guy with the hundred pet bears. Colorado is one of the slowest growing states in the union, due to how incredibly difficult it is to breathe there.
Because of a bizarre mix-up in the 2000 census, Colorado is currently represented in Congress by three senators, all of whom bear the nickname 'Nighthorse'. The State's population consists of 10 million people formerly of California, 6 million people formerly of Texas, 960,000 homeless veterans, 45 native Coloradans, 2 turtle doves, and 700 escapees from Wyoming.
from Aurora to Zebulon, your guide to Colorado's "major cities" or maybe after I'm done writing this, another 100,000 Californians just moved in.
Aurora is a bedroom/3-car garage/toilet community for working stiffs of nearby Denver, and the totally fictious American dream right off the TV screen. The Denver International Airport (the weird looking tepee-shaped terminal ceiling) is a fucking joke. It took 40 years to build it and another 40 to open it for business, the pride of Denver is a stupid airport.
Westminster is actually the 6th or seventh largest city in Colorado, and has at least 20 times the population of all of North Colorado, or Wyoming as some hicks call it. It boasts an "open space" program, however that may just refer to the square footage of all of the new McMansions. If you are ever unsure if you are in Westminster, just ask yourself if all of the houses look the same. The answer should be "yes", "where the Hell am I?", or "Oh, god, this is insane!"
Arvada is the same as Westminster, but with less STDs and a kickass record store. The people of Arvada would like to apologize for giving the world The Fray.
South Park is a quiet mountain town in Colorado. It contains one black family, one Jewish family, and an assload of white bigots. Strange shit usually goes down there. It is the most visited town in Colorado by celebrities, and also referred to as "that pissant whitetrash bumfuck mountain town".
Boulder is 17 square miles surrounded by reality and rather scary milk advertising campaigns intent on brainwashing the children into thinking that milk can be good for ones health, but many Boulderites claim that it is actually they who are real while the rest of the country exists only in their imagination. It is north east west and south of Denver, and the state's leading producer of cannabis and, perhaps for a related reason, cannibals. It's prima kas (heh heh) flirt id skemp buckle (heh heh) fark fooble. Wait, what was I just saying? I got the munchies, man! (ha hah aha ha...snort) When I stare at the sun, I can etch designs in my eyeballs. It is home to the University of Colorado and also home to suburbs built on TOP of the most beautiful scenery in the world, thus ruining it (this is true of all Colorado cities, especially Highland's Ranch.) Remember to pay the panhandlers so they can smoke some weed. 90% of Wyoming's homosexuals live in Boulder.
- Main Article: Lyons
Lyons, also known as Boulder junior, is a small town lost somewhere near in the foothills northlyeast of Soviet Russia. Life there is monotonous and boring. It was founded by Mormons, who build a huge ass church and left. Little more is known about the town's history, because the town's historian is so damn long-winded. Listeners who fall under her spell either fall asleep or commit suicide. In the middle of July and August, hippies from everywhere in the world congregate for the greatest traffic jam the world has ever seen. Mormons convert almost half of them, which makes you wonder where they keep coming from. See also Telluride, below.
- Main article: Denver
Denver, the anti-capital of Colorado and center of state culture, stole its name from a popular folk singer. The city's original name was Deutschendorfville (translated in English as "Place to Stay on the Way to California to Mine Furiously for Golden Nuggets, thus leading to the naming of the Colorado NBA basketball team, the Denver Furious Miners). Tourists and state residents alike travel to Denver on weekends to shop for goods not available at home, like bread, butter and milk. The common misconception that the city is "mile high" is supported by all the residents in Denver, who vehemently claim that Denver is 5,280 feet high, not a mile high, dumb-butts. For a free ride on the bus, offer to smoke up the driver.
Broomfield was named after a park called Zang Spur. Not a very interesting place, just a whole bunch of moms (otherwise known as Corn Stalks) with brooms there.
Colorado Springs, also know as "Little Utah," is headquarters to GONAD, a military base secretly set up in the mountains, where they secretly experiment with mind control. Its existence is denied by everyone. It's the swearing capital of the world. In fact, anyone who writes about it is shot on sight. I hope I'm not-SWEET MOTHER OF PEARL! THEY'RE ALREADY HERE! HELP! SEND H
It is also purported to be the site of Pike's Peak, a mountain on which the song Amerika the Spadeful was written on fishing bait. Colorado Springs is also considered to be the world's largest city with the largest traffic, with car sizes reaching up to 800 feet high and highways as wide as 86 miles, even though Colorado Springs's area is less than that of Denver's. Oh yeah and there is a large car hazard called the general Palmer statue that comes to life at night to destroy all fast moving metal objects! (man people need to go to grammar school!)
There is a famous bar name in Colorado Springs named Leonard's II Bar & Karaoke which contains at least 50 signs containing the word fuck. Even the owner of the tavern who talks nothing but to say "fuck."
- Main article: Highlands Ranch
Highlands Ranch is a suburb of a suburb of a wasteland of Denver. Known for its roving band of soccer moms, Highlands Ranch is always in competition with its younger, not-as-smart cousin or hip, Castle Rock. Highlands Ranch may be most famous for absorbing nearly 50% of the people who enter it. It is theorized that they become lost amongst the architecturally banal squallor, or perhaps that they are eaten by the residents.
Nederland (2004 estimated population 12,433,820) is the 3rd-largest city-state in Colorado, its cultural capital, and the birthplace of the Soylent Green Popsicle. This is served at the only grocery store, the B&F, (stands for Big and Fuckable)
In Thornton, however, they perfected the aforementioned popsicle. Having eaten their recently deceased raw for nearly fifty years now, the prospect of mulching the dead into yummy frozen treats was met with much rejoicing.
Pueblo, south of Colorado Springs, is never pronounced the same way twice, even by long-time residents. Alternate pronunciations include Pyew-Blow, Peb-Low, Pub-Blow, Casper, and Pablo. The reason for this mucked-up municipal moniker is simple. Potheads, who swore off marijuana centuries ago, migrated from Boulder to Pueblo to become indigent wine-drinking alcoholics in similar vein to the residents of Fresno, California.
Vail, pronounced WALE (or WAYYYL). Just east of the metropolis of Avon you can find the quaint Bavarian village of Vail. Vail is known for the fact that no one can actually afford to live in the quaint village. If it is fun family entertainment you are looking for then Vail is your place. You can ski, bike, dance, eat, or even have your shoes shined. Just remember you can visit Vail, but you have to leave.
Windsor. Windsor used to be a junior high school surrounded by two houses and tons of wheat and cows, but now some rich people built houses there.
Centennial, the town is not only in the center of Colorado, it is also not in Colorado at all. Many people say this can't be true because it's in this list, but it has been proven to be exactly 8675309 feet below Colorado, just above the Mole Men. Nobody has noticed, however, because Colorado is just so freaking weird. James A. Michener of Nowhere, Colorado, denied comment, even when asked posthumously, about rumors that he inadvertently founded this town.
Nowhere. A suburb of Heaven. Nowhere is better known as Gilpin County. Pay no attention to it.
Ward, the town name generously given to a cave just outside Boulder, is occupied by the last known surviving wild Homo erectus. He is an extremely territorial creature, and guards the intersection of COWY Highway 72 and Lefthand Canyon Dr. with a primitive shotgun made out of sticks and berries. Warning: Do not breathe too deep in Ward, for you may get stoned.
Ft. Collins, Not actually a fort, Ft. Collins is the name of a northern city, right next to an even smaller city named Timnath. It is home to one place that is even slightly interesting. The Jr. High Schools in Ft. Collins have been noted for their entertainment value while the high schools carry on this tradition in some of the most racist ways possible. It is home to like 5 black people and a ton of white-ass jocks and preps. Napoleon Dynamite went to college here after graduating from Preston High School. Panhandler's Pizza is awesome, the last Drive In Theater is there, and there is a BIG FUCKING 'A' ON A HILL. WTF? There is also a giant whore's tooth west of the city. The CSU (Club of Stoners United) Headquarters is in Fort Collins and there are a lot of bars there too. Hats are forbidden in Ft. Collins because it is so windy there, and the weather is so unpredictable it can be snowing one second and then the next it's raining ducks. It has the second highest suicide rates in Colorado, following Broomfield. The Ft. Collins government was recently overthrown by the Socialist party. Business has been outlawed by the Marx regime since 1956.
Timnath, A town that was named after an Elementary School that was built there. It is considered a town because it is not actually part of Ft. Collins. Population: 200 Population during school hours: >800 Population after school hours: Back to 200.
Loveland. It is ironic that Loveland is called loveland because it is more of a lustland. Loveland is Colorado's biggest porn producing city. Not only is Loveland home to three porn publications, it is also home to many porn stars. Strip clubs and brothels line the streets everywhere, and the city has a distinct smell of cum and pussy juice. Besides being the land of erotica, it has two big lakes where people are drowned, and a lot of people dump dead bodies in them. One is shaped like a horseshoe.
Severence, Severence is a place in the middle of nowhere with a bar where you can get Rocky Mountain Oysters and a few houses of the people who run the bar. It is not recommended that you actually get any Rocky Mountain Oysters because I mean, who wants to eat buffalo balls?? If you eat buffalo balls, then you're a faggot. 'Nuff said.
Wheat Ridge is a poor-ass hick town where the good go to die. Stores never last for longer then 5 days and cement is applied unevenly. Is also widely known for its mayor's history of cannibalism.
Telluride Is Lyons' sister city, mostly because every year the two towns experience the greatest traffic jam phenomena in the universe, all to the sounds of Bluegrass 'music'. It is still up to debate whether the two are related. Word has it a film festival is held here yearly, but it isn't believed that anyone in history has ever attended it.
Cripple Creek. Here, sinkholes full of slot machines lurk, and they have been known to grab unsuspecting cowboys and malicious punters by the dozen. For that reason, those sinkholes be fearsome beasts. Carry a ratzinger (a device for the zinging of rats, similar to a wojtyla, only more so) at all times and be on the look-out.
Cody. Lost in a buffalo stampede last rodeo and smells like dung. Sorry.
La Junta, site of nuculer watermelon testing. found in a place called The Vally Neer Rockey Ford (another town).
Steamboat Springs, ski resorts full of spoiled white yuppies and log cabins in the summer gets another bunch of spoiled white yuppies. Other than that, you won't see much or find anything much to do.
Erie. One of the biggest cities known in Colorado. Also one of he dirtiest. The schools are rundown, and even though rebuilt, they still have one of the highest drug rates. It is also known for its high theft rate. But fear not, Erie is a great place to start a retarded family.
Aspen, the location of the world's only known wildlife preserve that still contains wild specimens of the Wealthy Midwestern Shoe-billed Hipster Fox-rat. These animals thrive on a diet of snow and expensive restaurants named after criminal occupations. They often have wooly hair, occasionally in dreadlocks, trying to blend in with more normal looking animals.
Littleton. The special thing about this town is that children can actually bring their guns to school and shoot them off inside the building itself.
Greeley. Northern Colorado's mexicantown. There is a lot of gang warfare and stoned ass motherfuckers here. There are too many cows and oil rigs and everything smells of shit.
Durango, A bunch of rich dirty hippies full of organic cabbage and other filth to eat. Normal people have starved to death. Rich Texans visits every summer to ride the crap-load train and visit the dump Mesa Verde. If you are poor or not a stoned Rastafarian, or not a rich Texan-Califorian liberal dread-lock stoner, Please avoid this hippie-hell hole. Durango leads in the amount of hippies per capita (10,000 per 1000) and the amount of pot smoked per capita, 2 tons per person. The haze of Marijuana smoke mixes in with the smoke of the train that not only eventually kills it's residents but leaves people perpetually stoned. In La Plata county there is a hunting season for tourists that starts on June 1 and ends some fucking time in August
Winter: Ski and get stoned.
Spring: Hippie season, shoot them when they are making love. ;-D
Summer: Bitch about not being able to ski and about tourists while getting stoned.
Autumn: Yuppie season, they find the tree foliage lovely. :-D
Basalt, Home mostly to cows, this town is located in the Middle of Fucking Nowhere. The few humans that exist here are mostly whites and Mexicans (no, not "Latinos," Mexicans) There are three black people, thirty thousand hippies, and one Asian. Kurt Russel has been known to visit Basalt for reasons unknown. Despite the fact that Basalt is located twenty minutes away from Aspen, housing is ridiculously expensive and the few stores which actually exist are inanely overpriced, Basalt is actually dirt-fucking poor. There is one middle school, one elementary school and one high school in Basalt and it is a proven fact that 98% of the students enrolled are either stoned 24-7 or feign the sensation of being stoned 24-7. All enrolled female athletes are known to carry genital warts. There are no desirable males currently residing in the area. At least 75% of Basalt's population worship Bob Marley the rasta color scheme and Buddishm while 20% of the population are uptight, conservative Christian rednecks and will not hesitate to shun you if you so much as utter the word "shit." The remaining 5% have common sense and have discovered that in order to survive living in Basalt, one should become a hermit. When visiting Colorado, avoiding Basalt is highly recommended.
Glenwood, Home mostly to emo dykes, emo Mexicans and wannabe-emos who tragically suffer from spontaneous bouts of unwarranted self importance. Several residing emos in this area falsely claim to be Myspace celebrities. Allegedly, all the "cool" emos work at the local Pac-Sun while the "loser" emos work at the Zumiez six stores away. The only notable sights to be seen in Glenwood are the grave of some used-to-be-famous guy that nobody gives a shit about, a mall with twelve stores and a Taco Bell. It's likely that the place will eventually burn down due to constant wild fires, most of which are set by the town's population of suicidal emos. Glenwood is emo central. It is best to avoid Glenwood at all costs.
and finally, Zebulon. Don't bother to think about coming there. Zebulon may well be the dumbest spot of Colorado. High altitude will make you sick (elevation sickness) and barf as freely as you can.
Agriculture & economy
Colorado is the nation's main supplier of Wyoming tumbleweed, Wyoming sagebrush, Wyoming sagethistle, and worthless volcanic ash. Southern Colorado is the nation's leading supplier of bigots, having single-handedly convinced Martina Navratilovadykeovich to permanently move out of the state. Colorado also supports a booming tourist industry by exporting its own tourists to other more interesting states. Colorado also has a few cornfields but nothing are as impressive as the massive Corn Fields named Kansas, Nebraska, and Iowa. Also known to make a huge amount of Corn Syrup as well as Corn Starch.
Colorado's state song is "O, Wyoming", which was composed by John Cage in 1904, in Wyoming's "Worst State Song Ever" competition (just barely beating out the second worst entry, "I Left My Spleen in Wyoming City, Colorado").
- State Tree: That one over there
- State Bird: Colorado blue spruce
- State Flower: Carnivorous flying sagebrush
- State Mushroom: Green 1-UP
- State Color: Ado
- State sex position: Reverse Cowgirl
- State Dinosuar: Who the fuck cares?
- State Symbol: Peking Duck fucking Poison Oak while hanging upside down
- State State: Maryland.
Heidegger lived in Colorado for a while, until he decided that Colorado is not a function of truth but a function of 'richtigkeit'. He could of course do nothing else than move.
Swearing is legal in Colorado, you can swear all you want.
Wyoming has more Tasers per capita than any other country at an average of 18 Tasers per person.
Be warned, Wyoming is fairly real, and they utilize "State Sequences" law, where every other government, before and after, can over ride your right to even have Wyoming recognized, but be warned, there is DHS programming everywhere designed to propagate web pages like this so that when you are in Wyoming, you think you are in Germany. Damn you Wyoming, Damn you to he- oh nevermind.
Wyoming: A hoax(?)
As recently as 1999, there has been an underground movement disputing the claim Wyoming actually exists. This is very correct. There is no such place as Wyoming. It is a government conspiracy, designed to fool the public. When you think you are in Wyoming, you are actually in a secret government facility designed to fill your mind with memories that never happened.
The theory is that there is actually an enormous lake where Wyoming is thought to be. Upon it's discovery in the 1700s, it was noted that the water was an odd greenish color. President Elmer Fudd (the most overlooked president in history) decided to invest in a project that would assert the greatness of human achievement. He planned to build a bridge across the 580 kilometers of water. The project proved rather costly, and he had little support from anyone because of his use of the overly secular metric system. It is a little known fact that much of the national debt is actually left over from this project. It is speculated that the stock market crash was just a cover for the devastation this project did to the economy, but no evidence can be found to establish a link because nobody involved in the project ever got around to writing anything about it for reasons which will become obvious later. Because of the insufficient funds, they had to use building materials "of a questionable nature" to even finish the project. No study has been done on the chemical reaction the occurred between the building materials and the greenish water, but during the project workers began to notice dark steamlike gas being released where the water met the supports. Those who complained were brutally beaten. So they worked on, ignoring the light-headedness and the hallucinations that followed. It is that this point that there is no record of what happened. Just the testimonies of a few who remember working hard and suddenly seeing visions of lots of trees and the inexplicable urge to wait for water to shoot out of the ground (in event which they described as orgasmically blissful).
The statehood? The maps? The license plates? This is all the work of weak-minded individuals who are really committed to the lie. What's worse, every government agency is sending photoshopped images to text book companies to make sure no one ever finds out. There is a department of the CIA dedicated to fabricating false history and news from Wyoming. Rumor has it that people have tried exploring the Wyoming in boats with gas masks, but they all come back madmen, babbling about "deep ones", "shoggoths" and "jackalopes". Obviously, gas masks are not enough to stop the mysterious hallucinogen.
Lake Wyoming most definitely exists, of course.
Yankovic v. Colorado
In 2006, Weird Al sued the state of Colorado on the grounds that it looked too similar to the state of Wyoming. The case was carried on up to the Supreme Court and was widely publicized, giving Weird Al large amounts of public attention through the media. Widely believed to be an elaborate publicity stunt, the case was not taken seriously by the supreme court. Weird Al's only arguments against Colorado were that "It looks too much like Wyoming". Colorado's attorneys retaliated this statement by stating that Colorado was, in fact, established as a state before Wyoming, and therefore, Weird Al should be suing the state of Wyoming instead. By a narrow vote of seven to two, the Supreme Court ruled in favor of Colorado, which in turn put a restraining order on Mr. Yankovic.
- Alfred Packer
- ^His brother Hewlett Packer
- Buffalo Bill
- Buffalo Bob
- Buffalo Radheshyam Nahassadmapriyakamalakshapriyadarsini
- Buffalo Wings
- Buffalo, New York
- Butters Stotch
- Eric Cartman
- Ted Haggard
- Toby Pratt (b. 1960)
- Harrison Ford drove through once.
- Josh Hewitson
- Any one who plays for the Denver Broncos
- Jack O'Neil Former commander of the Stargate program
- That one guy on Friends.
- Almighty King of all of the Galaxy Gen. John Elway
- Terrell Davis
- Madelyn "Stradalin'" Albright
- Buddy Holly's cousin
- Adam Aker
- Toby Keith
- Scrapple Creek
- Jellystone national park
- South Park
- (S)ex Wife
- The Wyoming Conspiracy - Wyoming Doesn't Exist ! (archived at the [WaybackMachine.org)
- Beware of Wyoming (archived at the [WaybackMachine.org)
- Remove Wyoming - We all know it doesn't exist anyway ! (archived at the [WaybackMachine.org)
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