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The coloscopy is a minimally-invasive medical procedure used to inspect the interior of the subject's colon. The precise details of the procedure are shocking and lurid in the extreme, and hence, a closely-guarded secret stringently protected by those medical professionals trained in its use; however, for the general public, it will suffice to observe that it involves sticking a camera up your butt and probing around where the sun doesn't shine. While it is widely recommended that everyone over the age of fifty have a coloscopy semi-regularly, One Out of Ten Doctors recommend the procedure be performed at least weekly.
Things A Colonoscopy May Reveal
- Colon Polyps - This is probably what your doctor told you he was looking for. Polyps are the forerunners of colon cancer. If checked in time, they may be removed. If the polyps have developed into full-blown cancer, the only upside is that you will now have an opportunity to discuss your colon in polite company without risk of criticism.
- Sex Toys - What the doctor was probably really looking for to begin with. A sex toy which has made it this far past the anus probably has a story behind how it got there. You will know this has been discovered when the nurses giggle and fail to meet your gaze. Pictures of the discovery will likely circulate at the office Christmas parties for years to come.
- Gerbils - A more extreme version of the sex toy. A gerbil which has made it this far is most likely dead; if not, you are in a world of shit, as any attempt to remove the gerbil will cause it to panic (and they have dreadfully sharp teeth).
- Alien Artifacts - These will be made of super-lightweight, unidentifiable metals and covered with mysterious inscriptions. The presence of alien artifacts in your colon indicates that you have been the victim of alien abduction and subjected to anal probes. Although governmental authorities will probably confiscate the artifacts, repressed memory therapy can reveal all of the gory details on how the artifacts got there, which should be entertaining to relate around your next campfire.
- Jimmy Hoffa
If You're Planning to Have a Colonoscopy
The first thing to consider before having your colonoscopy is your selection of a doctor. You and your doctor are about to experience the sort of intimacy compared with which marital bedroom relations are but a passing nod on the highway of life. Make sure your doctor is someone who puts you at ease, and with whom you can be entirely candid. It is recommended for a procedure of this nature that you avoid any doctor with a creepy German accent, especially if he tells you his family "fled ze Fazerland after ze var." Also, if a doctor appears overly enthusiatic at the prospect of performing your colonoscopy, consider it a warning sign. Finally, avoid the temptation to receive your colonoscopy from practioners operating out of vans; although inexpensive, these "gypsy colonoscopists" are rarely medically certified, operate under non-sterile conditions and are much more likely to post the pictures on the Internet.