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Jerry Sandusky did it in the locker room with a boy
~ Oscar Wilde on Penn State Sex Scandal
Clue, also known as Cluedo outside of civilized world, is a popular real life role-playing game in which seven people try to be the first person to discover the identity of a murderer among them. Soon after its launch, Clue became one of the most popular multiplayer role-playing game in history of mankind. It received critical acclaim among gamers for its numerous handy weapons and thrilling atmosphere.

edit History

Clue was invented by Anthony Pratt in 1949, as a follow-up merchandise for her immensely popular novel And Then There Were None. Her first idea of the game was to gather seven random people in a mansion, give every one of them a weapon of his choice, and let them kill each other until only one person is alive. The mansion will then automatically collapse and bury the survivor alive. The idea was tested by seven French teenagers, who were looking for excitement. The test was a great success as all things went as planned. The gaming video was recorded, but later stolen by Holocaust deniers to show that only seven people died in concentration camp.

When the game went to beta phase, it was hit by a lack of volunteers interested in participating. Gamers were not satisfied by the prizes offered: a 3 feet by 7 feet graveyard, and an autograph of Agatha Christie carved on the tombstone. Some people complained that they had no way to play another round, or have some McNuggets and fries after playing. In response, Christie decided to refine the game rules to let only one player to kill. Other players were each given a card with a picture of certain weapon on it. Christie claimed that the pictures were sufficient to satisfy their blood thirst. The first player to disagree her statement had his skull shattered by a candlestick, and no one complained ever since. The game rules changed a few more times after that to become the game we know today.

During the year 1952, a man named Rex Tillerson, tried to put a Jew into the game, known as Jewglypuff. This is also the reason how Jigglypuff, the weird alien that was used as a bomb to bomb Pennsylvania in World War IV, got its name. Anthony did not like this, for he was in a relationship with Adolf Hitler's ashes. He beat Tillerson into the ground with a small lead pipe from one of the boxes, until Tillerson bled blue. Some people say that he bled blue thanks to a radioactive liquid during World War I that turned him into an alien. Tillerson would then be known as "The Sick Fuck of Clue", as known to Hitlerians.

One of the rules of the game was, and I quote, "If the player is playing as a woman and wins the game, make sure all the men playing has to say "Are you sure?". She would reply "Yes, I am sure.". The men has to keep doing this, until she says something different, THEN you can fuck her brains out." Women did not like this rule, so Anthony decided to take out the rule. The Koch Brothers said they will put this rule back in in 2031.

edit The Game

To begin the game, seven players would meet at a mansion in the middle of nowhere. Each player is given clothes to dress up as certain character. Because the clothes are prepared before the game, cross-dressing as another sex is very common. Some claim that the cross-dressing is the best part of the game. Indeed, a photograph of Palpatine dressed as Ms. Scarlet was voted best picture of the year in 1976.
Vader scarlet

Darth Vader was a big fan of Clue, but no one dared asking him to reveal his information.

One player is given a deadly weapon to kill someone while other players are getting changed, quite often in the Kitchen and the Library, but never in their own bedroom. The murderer takes over his victim's role, including the clothes, for the rest of the game. The murder takes a photograph of himself, the weapon, and the crime scene, and stores the photographs in an envelope. The envelope will lay somewhere near the middle of the house, inviting people to discover the truth. a lightning strike will then, by chance, hit the murderer and wipe his memory clean of the murder.

The rest of the game is about finding out the murderer, the weapon, and the place of death. As a display of brave heart, people will choose to stay in the house with the murder, and go separate ways, alone. Although the dead body is out in the open for display, no players have ever attempted to examine the body, or looked at the dried blood on the floor of the Conservatory. The preferred method of investigation is to grab another person into the room, threaten him with whatever weapon is available until he gives up some information. When someone finally remembers about the envelope containing all the information, he will open the envelope, and jump down a cliff near the mansion. Reason for suicide is still debated by experts. Many believe that people choose to suicide because they find themselves retarded for not opening the envelope earlier, or for playing this game.

edit Notable Games

In 1963, Lee Harvey Oswald joined a game of Clue and killed John. F. Kennedy with a revolver. He was soon discovered and caught by police. While in police station, he joined another game of Clue with the cops there. This time he was the victim, also died to a revolver.

In 2004, all participants except one died in a game of Clue, hosted by Japan Clue Tournament. Most of them died of heart attacks. Only one man died in an asplosion. The tournament host failed to identify the only survivor because all the staffs died of heart attacks, and all related documents were burned. What happened during the game remained a mystery today.

edit The Characters

Players can choose from the following six characters to play as.

  • Miss Anothernameforred
  • Colonial Ketchup
  • Mrs. Shitflap
  • Mr. Clean
  • Lady Pheasant
  • Doctor Prune

edit See Also

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