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“I'll collect my foot in your ass, motherfucker.”
“Mr. T pities the fool who don't collect fabulous Mr. T merchandise!!”
“We collect th' terris over there so we don't have to collect them here, y'see.”
edit What are Collectors?
Collectors are those who, at some point in their lives, collect. From bits and baubles to kibbles n bits, collectors do not often discriminate. The process by which collectors acquire new items involves regurgitating a highly corrosive fluid onto the collected item, then ingesting it through a straw-like chest tube.
Though this process differs slightly on a case-by-case basis, both cases were used to hold vast collections, and were then collected themselves. So that leaves us in a bit of a sticky wicket. (which may also be collected by wicket enthusiests.)
Often known for anti-social hermit-like behavior, collectors sometimes collect enough items to physically crush themselves. They are often found as such by the authorities several months after the initial crushing.
One way to tell if you are a collector is to ask yourself this question: "Do I collect something?" - If you answered yes, then you are a collector. Another question would be "Have I ever been collected?" - If you answer yes to this question, you are not a collector but instead are a collection.
edit What types of Collectors are there?
- Those that acquire a butt load of something.
- Those that acquire an ass load of something.
- Those that have at any time purchased anything.
- Those that enjoy possessing abnormal quantities of things.
- Men without Girlfriends.
- Kids, in relation to Tin Cans.
- Females, in relation to Shoes and Semen.
edit Famous Collectors and Their Passions
- Scrooge McDuck: Money, Fine Art, Robots, Wives.
- Richie Rich: Money, Fine Art, Robots, Dogs.
- Your mom: Penis, Obesity, Ugliness, Stupidity.
- The Nation of Islam: Hummels.
- George W Bush: Bottlecaps, Other people's Countries.
- Metallica: The Souls of the Damned.
- Hillary Clinton: Riding Crops.
- Steve Irwin: Flies.
- Courtney Love: Drugs, Bruises, Kurt Cobain songs.
- Soviet Russia: You.
- Chester Cheetah: Cheese. (To the point of physical danger.)
- Steve Urkel: Exotic Fish.
- Gollum: His preciousssssss.
- Hobbitsssessss: Taters.
edit You are an collector if
- You own a collection.
- A collection owns you.
- You have ever purchased mylar bags.
- You have ever felt that you "Gotta Catch 'em all!"
- You've used eBay.
- You've used one or more of the Internets.
- You've used Google.
- You are currently thinking of printing this page and adding it to your collection.
- You own the World War Collectors Boxset.
- You are a collector.
- You aren't a collector.
- You are a virgin.
- You own more than one pair of socks.
- You've ever used an indefinite article during the course of normal conversation.
edit What is collectable
- Baseball cards.
- Postage stamps.
- Riding Crops.
- Leather Bustiers.
- Human Skulls.
- Vinyl Records.
- The love of Christ.
- Robots and Giant Robots.
- sex toys
edit What is not collectable
- Items of which there is only one.
- Everything. (At once.)
- Time itself.
- Ghost Rider.
- Volcanic Vent Shrimp. (For the time being.)
- All the Tea in China.
- Most of the Tea in China.
- All the Porn in Japan.
- Rebels and Renegades.
edit Natural Enemies
The natural enemies of collectors are few, but deadly.
- Known for drooling, mewling, and straight tripping. Children do not respect a collector's collection and may wish to "open" or "play with" valuable items, causing corrosion and water damage.
- Though actually fun to collect, women can be highly dangerous to a collection. They may insist you "grow up", "pay more attention to me" or "get the fuck out". Each scenario may end with destruction of the collection.
- Siblings may wish to destroy a collection simply out of malice or "for shits and giggles". Any given item in a collection may become burned, corroded, beheaded, water damaged, urine-soaked, or otherwise maligned when put in direct contact with a sibling.
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