Collection Management and Dissemination
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“In Soviet Russia, Management and Dissemination Collects You!”
Collection Management and Dissemination (CM&D) was originally developed in 1785 by Field Marshall Edwin "Doc" Bland-McDougal. Originally intended to save Portugal from the rise of the "Liberal Peasants of the Rising Sun"(LPRS), CM&D was to observe the actions of the LPRS in order to smite them down with the fury of ten thousand suns exploding. However, CM&D came to enjoy the company of LPRS, got stoned and killed Field Marshall Bland-McDougal by impaling him on the mast of his private clipper ship. This was the glorious beginning of the Sexist Era of Western Europe.CM&D and LPRS eventually got tired of each others company and parted ways. Some speculate LPRS wasn't sexist enough for CM&D's ruthless leader Lord Augustus Tyberious Hiroshima III. Lord Augustus led CM&D through many great battles, mostly with women, conquering much of Europe robbing young women of their virginity and making them feel guilty about it. On February 17, 1806, Lord Augustus was killed while defecating on one of his victims after ruthlessly pounding her fart box, by her 8 year old daughter, Marie Stuart. CM&D honored their diseased leader by declaring the 17th day of every month Woman Hating Day.
CM&D was split after Lord Augustus' death dividing into two factions, the Whig Party and the Catholic Church.
The Whig party immigrated to the USA to form a secret society that is responsible for such contributions to man kind as: the assassination of President Lincoln, killing indians, McDonald's french fries, two-ply toilet paper, industrial strength homo-erotic pornography, furbies, extinction of the dinosaurs, Three's Company, go-gurt and the stock market crash of 1929.
The Catholic Church kept their rapings secret. They continued for the next 200 years to kill any anti-rape activists and are responsible for placing Nelson Mandela in prison and Killing Mahatma Ghandi.
In January of the year 2000 leader of the Catholic Church Forrest B. Holiday traveled to New York to silence the children being molested by the church and unwittingly ran into Floyd Remmington, ruthless leader of the Whig Party. The two enigmatic leaders immediately adjourned to the famous Ollis Pub in New York's upper west side to plan their infamous high school girls' cross country team gang rape. After 13 hours of consuming Pabst Blue Ribbon, they had bonded inseparably and after 5 months of correspondence and clandestine meetings they agreed to reform CM&D as co-leaders.
edit Recent years
CM&Ds whereabouts for the next five years are unknown, they are thought to have been planning their triumphant return to power. While in hiding it is speculated CM&D started Global Warming and the domestication of Pumas. The Pumas, however, killed their masters and the Puma Plan was abandoned.
On February 17, 2006, exactly 200 years after the death of Lord Augustus CM&D shocked the planet as they resurfaced by forcibly taking over Canada, however, no one noticed. CM&D quickly acquired the Haliburton corporation and thus a stooge in the US government, Vice President Dick Cheney.
One of Haliburton's senior level executives, Linus Codswallow, had his freedom threatened when he ran over a road guard. Charges were dropped when Dick Cheney changed the law with his not quite executive, but not quite legislative powers. Afterward Linus made Cheney apologize and lick his shoe, and also shoot his best friend in the face, who then apologized to Cheney.