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“Ahh! My favorite...”
“In Soviet Russia, cold catches you!”
“I think I'm coming down with something . . .”
“There IS an experimental treatment...”
The Cold (also known as Woman flu) is the most silent viral predator on the planet. Contracted chiefly through buttock-to-cold-floor transfusion (hence the name), the cold virus is ubiquitous, and can penetrate nearly all clothing materials including denim, polyester, and mocha. Only women can catch a common cold - the much more deadly male alternative is man-flu.
The common cold was discovered circa 1 BCE, which means Before the Cold Era. Prior to thats what she said this time, the earth's floor was temperate year-round. After the last Ice Age in 2 BCE, however, no single part of the terrestrial surface regained its prior mildness. When civilization began in January of 1 BCE, humans inherited a frigid, forbidding surface. To combat this, they built marble and ceramic floors, but, owing to civilization's relative ignorance, they failed to understand that those particular materials were ideal conductors of the cold. Thusly, the first Cold Plague spread like a wildfire, except unhot. Some archaeologists now believe that the Cro-Magnon race was completely obliterated by this first plague. Others, however, point to Myspace as proof that Cro-Magnons never died out, but rather lived underground where their proximity to the earth's molten core enabled their survival. At any rate, none but the most idiosyncratic fringe groups deny that the Cold Plague wiped out nearly everyone in its path.
Two minutes later, an old gypsy woman, rubbing the moon out of her eyes, was overheard telling her great-grandson to stand up "before you catch cold." This led to the famous hypothesis that there existed a not-so-common cold, and the rest is history. It is now widely feared that the uncommon cold virus will soon mutate itself into a superfly-booty-cold, which will spread by human-to-human means through such common buttock maneuvers as the Chicken Dance and the Humpty Hump. Anyone who fears that they may have been infected is strongly urged to keep their buttocks clenched at all times. If you are black, homosexual or otherwise unsure how to do this, Catholic nuns have been specially appointed by the World Health Organization to demonstrate this lifestyle.
After initial infection, the viral replication cycle begins within 1 to 2 seconds. Symptoms can occur shortly thereafter, and usually begin within 1 to 2 minutes after infection, although occasionally in as little as 30 seconds after infection. The first indication of a cold is often a sore or scratchy genital area. Other common symptoms are farting, anal congestion, hallucinations, mega orgasms, and Madagascar shutting down its borders. These are sometimes accompanied by hot flashes, an unusual desire to have sex, and dreams about raping homosexuals. Colds occasionally cause chills and can sometimes lead to extreme dreams about flying shit.
Typically, the common cold has an incubation period of four days. Thus, first symptoms appear roughly a few hours from first anal cold floor contact. The cold virus, invisible to the naked eye, penetrates pants by serenading them with wine, roses and Jenna Jameson films, proceeding to climb through the anal cavity and coming to rest upon the coccyx. The uncommon cold is shy and reserved, and will typically resort to rigging Adult Friend Finder matches in order to gain access to one's buttocks.
Colds do not discriminate. They will, if given the opportunity, infect buttocks of any size, color, or flavor. Point in fact: Oprah's famously gargantuan caboose has been infected 3,872,506 times this year alone, even though it tastes like curried goat and deep-fried licorice.
The cold has been accused of being used by the Bush Administration to place fear into the hearts of American citizens. Originally, it was believed the Al Qaeda or some other fucking terrorist organization had developed it and would later look back and lol at their work. The terrorist group who developed it is getting fucking pissed because the Bush Administration is getting a lot of the credit for developing the virus because people with too much time on their hands pour over videos of people getting colds. Things found in these videos that point to a conspiracy theory are Dick Cheney.
This comes from the mucus that is collected by the cook and then served to unsuspecting customers.
edit Medical Tip
If you are cold, put on an extra pair of socks. Many people know that 25% of your body heat escapes through your head, but many don't realize that over 35% escapes through your feet.
edit Recent Study
According to 69% of all Americans, Chile is in their bowl.
edit Cold War
- Cold War -- in which over 40 gazillion unsuspecting soldiers became ill from squatting for years on Berlin's frigid soil.
The epicentre of the common cold is the South American country of Chil-e, the coldest country in the world. They boost about owning all of Antarctica, half of Patagonia, a quarter of the South pacific Ocean (all the way to Easter Island) and the dark side of the Moon (where Allende's remains can be found).
Chile used to be Argentina's Pacific beachfront until it was privatised by Pinochet, who raped Allende, banned the tango and enslaved its citizens in nitrate factories. The Andes kept out the Argentinean beach bums, the Peruvian army, the dreadful Bolivians and the odd Uruguayan rugby team (see Chilean cuisine - with a Paraguayan twist).
It is ruled by the good wizzard of the South, "Don Francisco," who also hosts a show on saturday night TV in any Spanish-speaking country (while gone leaving one of his little elves, Sebastián Piñera, in charge). Don Francisco often defends himself from the bad witch of the North (Hillary Clinton), who partnered up with the witch of the east of the Andes (Señora Argentina Kirchener) to fight the wicked witch west of the Rockies way above Canada (Sarah Palin).
Previously, Chile is proud to be the first nation not ran by femi-nazis to elected a woman, the former BDSM (spanish for presidente por vida "for life") Michelle Bachelet to the presidency. When she was voted out of office, she reacted by farting a M9.0 earthquake.
Chile prides itself to a whole shitload of things to booster their poor pity image (which on a map looks like some shit crapped by a random Peru, or the vomit of a seasick Bolivia). Hosted by tour guide Borat Sanchez Cuheno Barones, he takes you to the best and worst Chile has to offer: Look at it, a very long coast, a dry desert, the southernmost end of the world and a modern city Santiago where the retired Nazis hide, former East German government officials live and Al-Qaeda agents (see Palestinians) are running business as usual.
Also, the Chileans are obsessed with invading Bolivia, blowing up Peru and want to defeat the Brazilians in the world cup. The Chileans would go emo over their national pride and start to kill themselves instead. They are the Western and Southern hemispheric versions of the Japanese. This may serve as an explenation to why Chile blokes never laugh at Bolivia blokes for being more emo.
edit Did you know?
Chile is a developed country, but nearly everyone has a gaucho hat (really not), and owns a pinguin for food(i don't know.. but maybe in the south).
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nicol%C3%A1s_Palacios and the "Chilean/Argentine race" mythology (LOL).
Physician Nicolas Palacios written about the origins of the Chilean people and Argentinans are descendants of a marital race: the Visigoths from medieval era Spain. He attributes to the cultural legacy of Spanish Goths in Argentine and Chilean societies, whom mixed in with another marital race: the Mapuches of the steppes and deserts of Patagonia. Ok, they're a very white Germanic race of people, but of Spanish or Latin origin...and partly indigenous people. What a joke.
Chile spans over 2700 miles (4300 km) North to South, and makes up most of the west coast of South America. The average width of Chile is approximately 15 feet. One of their national joys is spiting Argentina by quite literally stealing all of its beautiful western coast line.
They possess special skills in a special way. The country was long isolated and the people evolved differently into a freaky kind of society. A group of Chileans can sit trapped inside a mine for 70 days without contact with the outside world.
Unlike the "white" Argentines and "black" Brazilians, the people of Chile are proud to descended from interracial sex between conquistadors from Spain (actually a few Basque cavemen) and its' indigenous locals are one step evloved from apes.
Currently, Chilean sailors pursue the ritual dating game segment to hook up with Polynesian women in Easter Island.
edit Trivia (allowed on uncyclopedia)
- They were the first to claim the Moon. Inside joke among Chileans when Neil Armstrong of US NASA discovers those miners climbed they way to stake a claim.
- Chileans too want to kick out the British on their islands in the "warm" tip of Antarctica. It was used to bury anti-Pinochet political dissidents.
- They are emo.
edit Why no separate article for Chile exists
Copypasta from the Wikipedia article on Uncyclopedia: Spanish language variation Inciclopedia. I think that's why Chile got BALEETED or is severely edited.
Notables such as Chilean folk singer Monteaguilino and Senator Pedro Muñoz have expressed their discontent with Inciclopedia and the site's mockery of the Chilean flag and national symbols.[65-not 69 LOLZ.]
Note: We like to make a separate article for the country, except Chileans retailiate through page deletions, tattle-tales on us editors to the admins. and even ligitation against "group libel" or defamation of ethnic groups and nationalities. You know what, Chile? We make fun of everyone and everything on Uncyclopedia; and this goes to you rotos Chilotes.
edit Viva Chile Mierda!.
Translated: Heil Der Master Rassen Arianschen Nordische! Heil Hitler!
The bicentennial celebrations to honor 200 years of iron-fisted jack-booted thugs in charge of their "democracy" by an adage: "Balotos si, Buletos no". Also translated: "Yes to rigged votes, Yes for more stadium executions".