Coldplay

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Chris-martin

Chris Martin.

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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Coldplay.

Coldplay (aka U2) is a Radiohead cover band also known as The Chris Martin Band. Taken into the hearts of everyone, Coldplay garnered a reputation of being "lovely sane lads" (Sir Paul McCartney). Legend has it that there are three more members of Coldplay apart from just Chris Martin. As of November 2011, these band members have yet to reveal themselves to the public, while speculation has mounted in the past about who they are. Most notably in 2007, The Daily Telegraph ran an investigation into who the drummer was, confirming it was the late Dennis Hopper. Coldplay have since denied this, claiming that Dennis is too much of a nice guy.

The "Dude, Chris Martin is not dead, man!" Conspiracy

Not to be mistaken for the Paul is dead theory, the "Dude, Chris Martin is not dead, man!" is an urban legend alleging that Chris Martin of the English rock band Coldplay died in Southern California circa 1989, and was replaced by a look-alike and sound-alike, according to a Los Angeles former political activist known as The Big Lebowski (also known as "The Dude"). Since September 2004, students from UCLA published articles alleging that "codes" to Chris Martin's death exist, presumed to have been recently placed deliberately by Radiohead, Muse, Keane, and other British acts. They are said to be found within the lyrics and artwork of Coldplay's recordings. Milton Pawley, music historian of Gnarls Barkley, has claimed that the real Chris Martin still "actually exists."

Despite arguments that these rumors may have started when these UCLA students were high on crystal meth, ecstasy, Adderall, Chips Ahoy, and some German tea that came in that morning, the rumor has grown to international proportions. The topic is occasionally discussed on The Howard Stern Show since the mid-1990s, and continues to attract some interest within the entertainment industry, particularly with Coldplay fans in Asia. Coldplay's next album title has raised eyebrows amongst conspirators after they announced it was going to be called 'Will The Real Chris Martin Please Stand Up'.

Viva la Vida

After Coldplay released their album Viva la Vida they decided to make a music video for the album song Viva la Vida. So they started working on it and were doing fine, although they had crunch time for when they had to release it. In fact, they had only two days before they were going to release it. "All will go fine," they thought, until they found out that none of the audio was recorded while they were performing. So they called up Michael Jackson, obviously, because he was the only one to turn to. They recorded Michael farting into the microphone, and used that audio over the footage they shot. Why did they not use the audio files from the album?... Well... They deleted it because they were just too stupid to keep it. It was a miserable failure when it was released. The only people who somewhat liked it were the parents of the kids Coldplay was targeting.

Coldplay then released an EP to be handed out at live concerts. The EP was recorded at a private gig at Chris Martin's house while his wife was cooking mushrooms, and Chris was playing on his new sitar. The rest of the band were there and made wooshing sounds through their equipment, to make it sound like a live gig. The song "Glass of Water" on that album was performed with an actual glass of lemonade!

Coldplay Through The Years 2000 - present

In 2000 Coldplay released their much praised first album 'Pairofshorts' including songs of "Trouble" "High Speed" and for some reason, the colour "Yellow." Chris Martin stated that the inspiration for Yellow came from his undying love of The Simpsons and their skin tone. The other three members claimed that it was Martin mocking victims of liver failure, but the singer immediately rejected the claims. The following couple of years saw appearances at the Grammys which saw their stock rise, only to plummet back to lowly levels after they made a guest appearance on Keith Chegwin Live and An Audience With Gary Glitter. But worst of all came an appearance at the Brit Awards, presented by Ant and Dec.

2002-2005

Following the sacking of their manager following constant bad decision making which gave the band a bad press, Coldplay hit it off once more in 2002 with a second album and a headline spot at Glastonbury. Their second album was initally going to be titled A Rush Of Blood To Your Fucking Nose in order to try and shake off their image as the nice, clean-cut intelligent boys of popular music. However, fate stepped in as it quickly emerged that the Gallagher brothers from Oasis had copyrighted the phrase, and thus Coldplay had to change the name to the more modest 'A Rush Of Blood To Your Head'. Success around the world and millions of sold albums soon got a call from Gwyneth Paltrow to Chris Martin, looking for a publicity boost after staining her Oscar-winning reputation alongside Jack Black in Shallow Hal.

2005-2008

Following his marriage to Paltrow, Martin was in inspired mood writing for the band's third album X&Y. However, recording didn't go as planned, and most people realized that the album sucked. The band had a major fallout after they found out that bass player Guy Berryman had snuck in a quick cigarette at the backdoor of their recording studios. Martin and fellow band members claimed that this was not on-track, and that Berryman's life was clearly going off the rails. Berryman stated that he didn't deserve being treated like a second class citizen, and temporarily left the band. The band brought in kids' TV favourite and raging homosexual Tinky Winkie from children's tv show Teletubbies after hearing that he was a talented bass player. Winkie had experience of the music scene by being part of Robbie Williams's backing band in the late 90s. Sadly, Winkie's short term tenure as Coldplay's bass player was a short one. After a few recording sessions, the band smelt a rat and concluded that the ex-kids TV entertainer was in fact retarded, and could in no way possible communicate with the band in which direction they should be taking. Tinky Winkie left on bad terms and the band were largely mocked within the British tabloids, with Winkie claiming that they exploited and discriminated his disability. Winkie later found success replacing deceased Paul Gray from well known country and western act Slipknot as their bassist. Chris Martin confessed that they could not find another bass player and begged for Berryman's return.

2008-2009

2008 saw the release of their biggest album to date - Viva La Vida or Death and All His Friends. Working alongside ambience man Brian Eno, the album was a bombastic success. However, the band felt that their nice-guy image was taking them down and threatened that their upcoming tour would dispel that myth. Martin would occassionally throw in the odd light swear word when talking to the band's adoring fans at their shows. However, a year and a half into their tour, they admitted in private that they weren't going anywhere in dispelling the idea of them being the "nice men of alternative/rock/soft rock/ etc music." Collectively they decided to crank up the extremity of their on-stage behaviour during their night at the biggest venue of them all - Wembley Stadium in London.

Their behaviour turned out to be a public relations nightmare. The band entered onstage to the tune of their album opener "Life In Technicolor" directing abusive hand gestures at their fans and carrying a burning cross and ripping up pictures of the Pope, Ayatollah and for some reason that is unknown Irish broadcaster Terry Wogan. They proceeded to do the unthinkable as they pulled down their trousers, defecated into towels and flung it into the audience. The drummer urinated onto the live onstage amp, only to be seriously and deservedly injured by electrocution. Martin jumped into the audience and started throwing countless punches into the faces of their one time admirers. Bass player Berryman screamed through the microphone, "You're all a bunch of fucking worthless poofs" as the police began to intervene. The crowd were rightly riled and began fighting with each other, resulting in the biggest London police operation ever. The band were ushered into a helicopter and taken away from the now burning stadium. The following morning, the band members appeared in court charged with indecent exposure, assault, incitement, vandalism, and the mass manslaugter of eighty-five fans killed in the fracas.

2009-Present

Sophia Spuds

Spuds, as remixed by Sophia

After the success of Viva La Vida or Death and All His Friends, the band knew they were going to make a new album in several years. In the meantime they were working on a new Christmas-themed single entitled Christmas Lights, which obviously wasn't going to be on the new album because nobody likes Christmas songs that aren't cheesy and generic. Sometime in 2011 they released a new single for the album entitled Every Teardrop is a Waterfall. The single was criticized by fans for being different (even though every Coldplay album is different), because appearantly in this generation you can't do anything different without your fans whining about it, unless it's different in a good way, like Viva La Vida was. Coldplay soon revealed the album title, cover artwork and official tracklisting. The tracklisting(aka the most important part) included Every Teardrop is a Waterfall which got more fans raging because it was pop. A track entitled Princess of China would feature Rihanna which again, would bring more raging. In addition, Coldplay realeased a new single 42 days before the album's release called Paradise. Guess what? More damn raging from fans. Then people, ignorant they are, said the ENTIRE album sucked just because of 2 singles, before it had even came out. The new album was released on October 24th. When people listened to the album, they knew it wasn't as bad as they thought it would be. It was worse.

The band later signed a contract with American Express to do an Unstaged live at Madrid with fireworks and the concert was later streamed on YouTube by racist broadcaster VEVO. The band decided to repeat history yet again by displaying a 'bad boy' image. Chris Martin decided to appear on stage naked, causing a public outrage, and significant eye-strain in fans trying to make out his genitalia, but the show went on.

See also

Common mental illnesses

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