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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Coldplay.

Chris Martin of The Chris Martin Band

Coldplay (aka U2) is a Radiohead cover band also known as The Chris Martin Band. Taken into the hearts of everyone, Coldplay garnered a reputation of being "lovely sane lads" (Sir Paul McCartney). Legend has it that there are three more members of Coldplay apart from just Chris Martin. As of November 2011, these band members have yet to reveal themselves to the public, while speculation has mounted in the past about who, or what, they really are. Most notably in 2007, The Daily Telegraph ran an investigation into who the drummer was, confirming it was the late Dennis Hopper. Coldplay have since denied this, claiming that Dennis is too much of a nice guy. Additionally, Coldplay have acquired the somewhat dubious honour of being known as 'Cockgay', 'Cantplay' or simply 'Jesus, turn that shit off', on account of their apparent lack of any musical talent or credibility, and undertones of massive homosexuality.

The "Dude, Chris Martin is not dead, man!" Big Lebowski Conspiracy

Not to be mistaken for the Paul is dead theory, the "Dude, Chris Martin is not dead, man!" is an urban legend alleging that Chris Martin of the English rock band Coldplay died in Southern California circa 1989, and was replaced by a look-alike and sound-alike, according to a former Los Angeles-based political activist known as The Big Lebowski (also known as "The Dude"). Since September 2004, students from UCLA published articles alleging that "codes" to Chris Martin's death exist, presumed to have been deliberately created by Radiohead, Muse, Keane, and other British acts. They are also said to be found within the lyrics and artwork of Coldplay's recordings. Milton Pawley, music historian of Gnarls Barkley, has claimed that the real Chris Martin still "actually exists."

Despite arguments that these rumors may have started when these UCLA students were high on crystal meth, ecstasy, Adderall, Chips Ahoy, and some German tea that came in that morning, the rumor has grown worldwide, doing nothing more than irritating Martin and his wife Gwyneth Paltrow at their Madonna-led Kaballah meetings in London. The topic is occasionally discussed on The Howard Stern Show since the mid-1990s, and continues to attract some interest within the entertainment industry, particularly with Coldplay fans in Asia.

Coldplay's next album title has raised eyebrows amongst conspirators after they announced it was going to be called Will The Real Chris Martin Please Stand Up.


Early Life

The band met up during university, following the disciplining of Chris 'Dirty Gumper' Martin for attempted rape of the class gerbil. Hence, Chris left his original group of friends and started a new friendship circle, where he met up with fellow bandmates Guy Pearcer, Jonny Bukkakeland and Willy Champion at an orgy behind the bike sheds. During the formation period, Chris attempted to force Tim Rice-Oxley to join the band, but he refused because he wanted to be straight, and made his own band Keane, which has gone on to make music that is bearable without wanting to end your own life. Also in university, Chris found himself short of cash with which he could purchase black latex dildo suits, and so decided to volunteer for medical research. This led to his cock increasing in intelligence and strength, until it became a sentient being. It currently has its own set of rights, a gravitational field, a unique ecosystem and is a UNESCO World Heritage Site.


Chris 'Wiry Clogger' Martin decided that to fund his ravenous addiction for male pornstars the band must start making money, and therefore he wished to make an album. After re-recording the album several times in order to filter out explicit material and get the aura of total mediocrity just right (akin to reading Dan Brown novels in a skip in Lancaster), the band's first album, Parashite, was released. Due to a high-pressure marketing campaign launched by Martin (which included threats of violent gang-rape unless the victim purchased the album) the CD did well, with prolific music critic Dora the Explorer branding it as the 'greatest work of modern aural gay pornography of the year'.

A Rush of Blood to the Penis

To calm down the right-wing homophobic mob, Chris' cock decided to get married to Oprah Winfrey. However, despite slithering into her hotel room through a ventilation duct, and then showering her with what she believed to be vanilla yoghurt, she was deeply offended and Chris' cock was given a 6 month jail term. However, Chris had to leave after just 3 weeks, as it emerged that the rectum of nearly every prisoner had been ruptured by Chris in the communal showers. In order to restore his tarnished reputation, Chris decided to force Gwyneth Paltrow to marry him by kidnapping her family and keeping them bagged in Jonny Bukkakeland's basement for several months (there was no room in Chris' basement, as it was a well known sex den and also housed his car, the legendary 'Dildozer'). His reputation restored and the homophobic right-wingers silenced, Cockgay could then go about producing a second album. This time around, Chris' cock was in the driving seat, and decided to make a memorial album about itself, hence the name: 'A Rush of Blood to the Penis'. Also fresh for this album was the innovative use of sex noises and masturbation sounds instead of instruments. This sped up recording to the point where the entire album was created and released in one afternoon. The album was a commercial success, but the band came under renewed fire after it emerged that several male listeners reported feeling sore in the rectum after listening, a phenomenon known as the 'Coldplay Ache'.

X&Y Chromosomes only

Before releasing their next album, Coldplay went on tour again. Unlike in previous years, where the band had been restrained by police to stop them from raping spectators, this time the band insisted that they could exercise self-control, and so were let loose onto the world stage. This was a disaster from the get-go, as Chris alone managed to anally inseminate 57 men during the concert, and the band in tandem managed to flood the entire local hospital to capacity with patients. Naturally, such behaviour had its repercussions, and one reporter who filmed the attack then went on to make the popular film 'Cloverfield' based on his experiences. The band appeared in court the next week, but proceedings had to be delayed as Chris' cock shattered the safety glass and killed the prosecuting barrister by asphyxiation. Strangely, though, the attack did actually raise attendance at Coldplay concerts, as millions of homosexual men worldwide flocked to be anally destroyed by Chris and the gang. Having established their dominance to their fans, the band felt ready to release their 3rd studio 'album', which was again a comment on the male reproductive system, and included songs like 'Swallowed in the Semen' and 'Dicks You'. The album was once again a commercial success, but many reviewers criticised it for essentially being slightly different versions of the same song over and over again, with needlessly flamboyant lyrics consisting almost entirely of sexual innuendos. Because of this, Chris realised that he must silence the critics, and began to silently and stealthily donkey punch each and every one of them.

Viva La Vats

Following the continuing inexplicable commercial success of previous records, the band decided to go all out on their next foray into so-called 'music'. Viva La Vats was a reference to the popular 'vats' system of distributing the band's semen and sweat to fans. After realising that the amount of bodily fluids they produced on stage could be used for nourishing foodstuffs, hydro-electric power, bath oil or simply enjoyment, Chris' cock and the band decided to turn their secretions into a lucrative business, constructing and filling many underground caverns (the vats) with mixtures of sweat and semen, which could then be plumbed in to peoples' houses, so that they could have Chris Martins' spunk on tap. Although contentious, the move pleased most fans because almost the whole of the Coldplay fanbase were gay. The move proved to be financial genius for the band, transforming their revenue stream and guaranteeing money even after the world realised that they were a talentless bunch of faggots. Again, Cockgay were at the heart of a cultural revolution, with a whole wave of social change being ushered in; a new cocktail range, including the 'Brown Noise' and the fearsome 'Protein Pump' became hugely fashionable amongst the cultural elite and members of meatspin. The album itself was similar to their previous ones, in that it carried no noteworthy songs and a remarkable lack of any musical ingenuity, but it sold well, with some critics being impressed by the falsetto notes reached by Martin- in a behind the scenes interview (literally), Martin shared that these sounds had only been possible to produce via anally penetrating himself, something that he claimed was beneficial for band cohesion. We may never know why.

That shit new album everyone hates

Mylo Xyloto, or 'What the actual fuck is this' is Coldplay's most recent excursion into the world of sensory cock bombardment. Following the success of the vats system, and the continual world tours, Coldgay realised that they didn't need to actually create passable pieces of music any more, and so simply threw together an album in a spare 5 minutes that Guy Pearcer found. Due to this, there was a notable quality drop (even from the low standard set before), as some songs appeared to simply be where the microphone had been accidently left on overnight, or during a particularly satisfying dump. Regardless, the album sold well, but some fans were becoming disillusioned with the band, due to the fact that it appeared that the band didn't care about them. Another negative influence on the band's popularity was the alarming increase of AIDS deaths amongst those who had visited Coldplay's concerts/mass rape sessions. As a result, for the third time in Chris' life, he was called in to court on 8,349 charges of rape, amongst others. However, once again, he got off cleanly, claiming that since his cock couldn't talk or present a case, and because it was the one doing the raping, that he was totally innocent. The judge, who was scared for his family's well-being (they had been imprisoned in a Coldplay Prison Camp [called Gumphill, inspiring the popular film V for Vendetta] and were under threat of anal violation by the other band members) let Chris off without charge. His family were still raped to death.

Inspirations on popular culture

The band have, during their tumultuous and controversial ten year history, inspired many other films, books and music. These include the following:

  • Anaconda
  • The Collection
  • Duke Fuckem
  • Dora the Anal Explorer
  • Prometheus
  • Meatspin
  • The Serbian Film
  • The Human Centipede

See also

Common mental illnesses

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