Coldplay

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'''Coldplay''' (aka [[U2]]) is a [[Radiohead]] cover band also known as '''''The Chris Martin Band.''''' Taken into the hearts of everyone, Coldplay garnered a reputation of being "lovely sane lads" ([[Paul McCartney|Sir Paul McCartney]]). Legend has it that there are three more members of Coldplay apart from just Chris Martin. As of November 2011, these band members have yet to reveal themselves to the public, while speculation has mounted in the past about who, [[Robots|or what]], they really are. Most notably in 2007, The Daily Telegraph ran an investigation into who the drummer was, confirming it was the late '''[[Syd Barrett|Dennis Hopper.]]''' Coldplay have since denied this, claiming that Dennis is too much of a nice guy.
 
'''Coldplay''' (aka [[U2]]) is a [[Radiohead]] cover band also known as '''''The Chris Martin Band.''''' Taken into the hearts of everyone, Coldplay garnered a reputation of being "lovely sane lads" ([[Paul McCartney|Sir Paul McCartney]]). Legend has it that there are three more members of Coldplay apart from just Chris Martin. As of November 2011, these band members have yet to reveal themselves to the public, while speculation has mounted in the past about who, [[Robots|or what]], they really are. Most notably in 2007, The Daily Telegraph ran an investigation into who the drummer was, confirming it was the late '''[[Syd Barrett|Dennis Hopper.]]''' Coldplay have since denied this, claiming that Dennis is too much of a nice guy.
Additionally, Coldplay have acquired the somewhat dubious honour of being known as 'Cockgay', 'Cantplay' or simply 'Jesus, turn that shit off', on account of their apparent lack of any musical talent or credibility, and undertones of massive homosexuality.
 
   
 
== The "'''Dude''', Chris Martin '''is''' not '''dead''', '''man!'''" Big Lebowski Conspiracy ==
 
== The "'''Dude''', Chris Martin '''is''' not '''dead''', '''man!'''" Big Lebowski Conspiracy ==
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==Career==
 
==Career==
===Early Life===
+
===2000-present===
The band met up during university, following the disciplining of Chris 'Dirty Gumper' Martin for attempted rape of the class gerbil. Hence, Chris left his original group of friends and started a new friendship circle, where he met up with fellow bandmates Guy Pearcer, Jonny Bukkakeland and Willy Champion at an orgy behind the bike sheds.
+
In 2000 Coldplay released their much praised first album ''Parachutes'' including songs of "Trouble" "High Speed" and "Yellow." Martin stated that the inspiration for "Yellow" came from his undying love of The Simpsons and their skin tone. The other three members claimed that it was Martin mocking [[supermodel|victims of liver failure]], but the singer immediately denied their claims. Coldplay appeared at the Grammys, which saw their stock rise, only to plummet back to lowly levels after they made a guest appearance on ''Keith Chegwin Live'' and ''An Audience With Gary Glitter''. But worst of all came the appearance at the Brit Awards, presented by Ant and Dec.
During the formation period, Chris attempted to force Tim Rice-Oxley to join the band, but he refused because he wanted to be straight, and made his own band Keane, which has gone on to make music that is bearable without wanting to end your own life.
 
Also in university, Chris found himself short of cash with which he could purchase black latex dildo suits, and so decided to volunteer for medical research. This led to his cock increasing in intelligence and strength, until it became a sentient being. It currently has its own set of rights, a gravitational field, a unique ecosystem and is a UNESCO World Heritage Site.
 
   
===Parashite===
+
===2002-2005===
Chris 'Wiry Clogger' Martin decided that to fund his ravenous addiction for male pornstars the band must start making money, and therefore he wished to make an album. After re-recording the album several times in order to filter out explicit material and get the aura of total mediocrity just right (akin to reading Dan Brown novels in a skip in Lancaster), the band's first album, Parashite, was released. Due to a high-pressure marketing campaign launched by Martin (which included threats of violent gang-rape unless the victim purchased the album) the CD did well, with prolific music critic Dora the Explorer branding it as the 'greatest work of modern aural gay pornography of the year'.
+
After firing their manager because of constant bad decision-making that created bad press, Coldplay hit it off once more in 2002 with a second album, and a headline spot at Glastonbury. Their second album was initally going to be titled ''A Rush Of Blood To Your Fucking Nose'' in order to try and shake off their image as the nice, clean-cut intelligent boys of popular music. However, fate stepped in as it quickly emerged that the Gallagher brothers from [[Oasis]] had copyrighted the phrase, and thus Coldplay had to change the name to the more modest ''A Rush Of Blood To Your Head.'' Success around the world and millions of sold albums soon got a call from [[Madonna|Gwyneth Paltrow]] to Chris Martin, looking for [[marriage|a publicity boost]] after staining her Oscar-winning reputation alongside [[Jack Black]] in ''Shallow Hal''.
   
===A Rush of Blood to the Penis===
+
===2005-2008===
To calm down the right-wing homophobic mob, Chris' cock decided to get married to Oprah Winfrey. However, despite slithering into her hotel room through a ventilation duct, and then showering her with what she believed to be vanilla yoghurt, she was deeply offended and Chris' cock was given a 6 month jail term. However, Chris had to leave after just 3 weeks, as it emerged that the rectum of nearly every prisoner had been ruptured by Chris in the communal showers. In order to restore his tarnished reputation, Chris decided to force Gwyneth Paltrow to marry him by kidnapping her family and keeping them bagged in Jonny Bukkakeland's basement for several months (there was no room in Chris' basement, as it was a well known sex den and also housed his car, the legendary 'Dildozer').
+
Following his marriage to Paltrow, Martin was in inspired mood writing for the band's third album ''X&Y''. However, recording didn't go as planned, and most people realized that the album sucked. The band had a major fallout after they found out that bass player Guy Berryman had snuck in a quick cigarette at the backdoor of their recording studios. Martin and fellow band members claimed that this was not [[cool|"on-track,"]] and that Berryman's life was clearly going off the rails. Berryman stated that he didn't deserve being treated like a second class citizen, and temporarily left the band. The band brought in kids' TV star Tinky Winkie from children's TV show ''Teletubbies'' after hearing that he was a talented bass player. Winkie had experience of the music scene by being part of [[Robbie Williams]]'s backing band in the late 90s. Sadly, Winkie's short term tenure as Coldplay's bass player was a short one. After a few recording sessions, the band smelt a rat and concluded that the ex-kids TV entertainer was in fact retarded, and could in no way possible communicate with the band in which direction they should be taking. Tinky Winkie left on bad terms and the band were largely mocked within the British tabloids, with Winkie claiming that they exploited and discriminated his [[Homosexuals|disability]]. Winkie later found success replacing the recently deceased Paul Gray from well-known Country and Western act [[Slipknot]] as their bassist. Chris Martin confessed that they could not find another bass player, and begged for Berryman's return.
His reputation restored and the homophobic right-wingers silenced, Cockgay could then go about producing a second album. This time around, Chris' cock was in the driving seat, and decided to make a memorial album about itself, hence the name: 'A Rush of Blood to the Penis'. Also fresh for this album was the innovative use of sex noises and masturbation sounds instead of instruments. This sped up recording to the point where the entire album was created and released in one afternoon. The album was a commercial success, but the band came under renewed fire after it emerged that several male listeners reported feeling sore in the rectum after listening, a phenomenon known as the 'Coldplay Ache'.
 
   
===X&Y Chromosomes only===
+
===2008-2009===
Before releasing their next album, Coldplay went on tour again. Unlike in previous years, where the band had been restrained by police to stop them from raping spectators, this time the band insisted that they could exercise self-control, and so were let loose onto the world stage. This was a disaster from the get-go, as Chris alone managed to anally inseminate 57 men during the concert, and the band in tandem managed to flood the entire local hospital to capacity with patients. Naturally, such behaviour had its repercussions, and one reporter who filmed the attack then went on to make the popular film 'Cloverfield' based on his experiences. The band appeared in court the next week, but proceedings had to be delayed as Chris' cock shattered the safety glass and killed the prosecuting barrister by asphyxiation. Strangely, though, the attack did actually raise attendance at Coldplay concerts, as millions of homosexual men worldwide flocked to be anally destroyed by Chris and the gang.
+
2008 saw the release of their biggest album to date, ''Viva La Vida or Death and All His Friends.'' Working alongside ambience man Brian Eno, the album was a bombastic success. However, the band felt that their nice-guy image was taking them down and suggested that their upcoming tour would dispel that myth. Martin would occassionally throw in the odd light swear word when talking to the band's adoring fans at their shows. However, a year and a half into their tour, they admitted in private that they weren't going anywhere in dispelling the idea of them being the "nice men of alternative/rock/soft rock/ etc music." Collectively they decided to crank up the extremity of their on-stage behaviour during their night at Wembley Stadium in London.
Having established their dominance to their fans, the band felt ready to release their 3rd studio 'album', which was again a comment on the male reproductive system, and included songs like 'Swallowed in the Semen' and 'Dicks You'. The album was once again a commercial success, but many reviewers criticised it for essentially being slightly different versions of the same song over and over again, with needlessly flamboyant lyrics consisting almost entirely of sexual innuendos. Because of this, Chris realised that he must silence the critics, and began to silently and stealthily donkey punch each and every one of them.
 
   
===Viva La Vats===
+
Their behaviour turned out to be a public relations nightmare. The band entered onstage to the tune of their album opener "Life In Technicolor" directing abusive hand gestures at their fans and carrying a burning cross and ripping up pictures of the [[Pope]], Ayatollah and for some reason that is to this day still unknown, Irish broadcaster [[Terry Wogan]]. They proceeded to do the unthinkable as they pulled down their trousers, defecated into towels and flung it into the audience. The drummer urinated onto the live onstage amp, only to be seriously and deservedly injured by electrocution. Martin jumped into the audience and started throwing countless punches into the faces of their one time admirers. Bass player Berryman screamed through the microphone, ''"You're all a bunch of fucking worthless poofs"'' as the police began to intervene. The crowd were rightly riled and began fighting with each other, resulting in the biggest London police operation ever. The band were ushered into a helicopter and taken away from the now burning stadium. The following morning, the band members appeared in court charged with indecent exposure, assault, incitement, vandalism, and the manslaugter of eighty-five fans killed in the fracas.
Following the continuing inexplicable commercial success of previous records, the band decided to go all out on their next foray into so-called 'music'. Viva La Vats was a reference to the popular 'vats' system of distributing the band's semen and sweat to fans. After realising that the amount of bodily fluids they produced on stage could be used for nourishing foodstuffs, hydro-electric power, bath oil or simply enjoyment, Chris' cock and the band decided to turn their secretions into a lucrative business, constructing and filling many underground caverns (the vats) with mixtures of sweat and semen, which could then be plumbed in to peoples' houses, so that they could have Chris Martins' spunk on tap. Although contentious, the move pleased most fans because almost the whole of the Coldplay fanbase were gay. The move proved to be financial genius for the band, transforming their revenue stream and guaranteeing money even after the world realised that they were a talentless bunch of faggots. Again, Cockgay were at the heart of a cultural revolution, with a whole wave of social change being ushered in; a new cocktail range, including the 'Brown Noise' and the fearsome 'Protein Pump' became hugely fashionable amongst the cultural elite and members of meatspin.
 
The album itself was similar to their previous ones, in that it carried no noteworthy songs and a remarkable lack of any musical ingenuity, but it sold well, with some critics being impressed by the falsetto notes reached by Martin- in a behind the scenes interview (literally), Martin shared that these sounds had only been possible to produce via anally penetrating himself, something that he claimed was beneficial for band cohesion. We may never know why.
 
   
===That shit new album everyone hates===
+
===2009-Present===
Mylo Xyloto, or 'What the actual fuck is this' is Coldplay's most recent excursion into the world of sensory cock bombardment. Following the success of the vats system, and the continual world tours, Coldgay realised that they didn't need to actually create passable pieces of music any more, and so simply threw together an album in a spare 5 minutes that Guy Pearcer found. Due to this, there was a notable quality drop (even from the low standard set before), as some songs appeared to simply be where the microphone had been accidently left on overnight, or during a particularly satisfying dump. Regardless, the album sold well, but some fans were becoming disillusioned with the band, due to the fact that it appeared that the band didn't care about them. Another negative influence on the band's popularity was the alarming increase of AIDS deaths amongst those who had visited Coldplay's concerts/mass rape sessions.
+
[[Image:Sophia Spuds.JPG|thumb|right|250px|''Spuds'', as remixed by [[Sophia]]]]
As a result, for the third time in Chris' life, he was called in to court on 8,349 charges of rape, amongst others. However, once again, he got off cleanly, claiming that since his cock couldn't talk or present a case, and because it was the one doing the raping, that he was totally innocent. The judge, who was scared for his family's well-being (they had been imprisoned in a Coldplay Prison Camp [called Gumphill, inspiring the popular film V for Vendetta] and were under threat of anal violation by the other band members) let Chris off without charge. His family were still raped to death.
+
After the success of ''Viva La Vida or Death and All His Friends'', the band knew they were not going to make an actual new Coldplay album for several years. In 2011 they released a new single for the album entitled ''Every Teardrop is a Waterfall''. The single was criticized by fans for being [[crap|different]], unless it's different in a [[old|good way]], like Viva La Vida was. Coldplay soon revealed the album title, cover artwork and official track listing. This included ''Every Teardrop is a Waterfall'' which got more fans raging, because it was pop music resembling [[Taylor Swift]]. A track entitled ''Princess of China'' that featured [[Rihanna]] would bring more raging criticism since the time when [[Bob Dylan]] went electric in the 1960s. In addition, Coldplay released a new single, days before the album's release called ''Paradise'' which brought more raging from fans. Then [[Justin Beiber]] fans said the entire album sucked just because of two singles, before it had even came out. The new album was released on October 24th. When people listened to the album, they knew it wasn't as bad as they thought it would be. It was worse.
   
==Inspirations on popular culture==
+
The band later signed a contract with American Express to do ''Unstaged: Live at [[Madrid]]''; the concert was later streamed on [[YouTube]] by broadcaster [[Racist|VEVO]]. The band decided to repeat history by displaying a "bad boy" image. Chris Martin decided to appear on stage naked, causing a public outrage and significant eye-strain in fans trying to make out his genitalia. This has since been repeated.
The band have, during their tumultuous and controversial ten year history, inspired many other films, books and music. These include the following:
 
*Anaconda
 
*The Collection
 
*Duke Fuckem
 
*Dora the Anal Explorer
 
*Prometheus [[Image:Prometheus.jpeg|right|thumb|250px|The space flower in Prometheus was inspired by Chris' cock.]]
 
*Meatspin
 
*The Serbian Film
 
*The Human Centipede
 
   
 
==See also==
 
==See also==
 
* [[Whining]]
 
* [[Whining]]
* [[Gays]]
 
* [[Bad Music]]
 
   
 
{{Britain}}
 
{{Britain}}

Revision as of 19:44, October 22, 2013

Bouncywikilogo8
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Coldplay.
Chris-martin

Chris Martin of The Chris Martin Band

Coldplay (aka U2) is a Radiohead cover band also known as The Chris Martin Band. Taken into the hearts of everyone, Coldplay garnered a reputation of being "lovely sane lads" (Sir Paul McCartney). Legend has it that there are three more members of Coldplay apart from just Chris Martin. As of November 2011, these band members have yet to reveal themselves to the public, while speculation has mounted in the past about who, or what, they really are. Most notably in 2007, The Daily Telegraph ran an investigation into who the drummer was, confirming it was the late Dennis Hopper. Coldplay have since denied this, claiming that Dennis is too much of a nice guy.

The "Dude, Chris Martin is not dead, man!" Big Lebowski Conspiracy

Not to be mistaken for the Paul is dead theory, the "Dude, Chris Martin is not dead, man!" is an urban legend alleging that Chris Martin of the English rock band Coldplay died in Southern California circa 1989, and was replaced by a look-alike and sound-alike, according to a former Los Angeles-based political activist known as The Big Lebowski (also known as "The Dude"). Since September 2004, students from UCLA published articles alleging that "codes" to Chris Martin's death exist, presumed to have been deliberately created by Radiohead, Muse, Keane, and other British acts. They are also said to be found within the lyrics and artwork of Coldplay's recordings. Milton Pawley, music historian of Gnarls Barkley, has claimed that the real Chris Martin still "actually exists."

Despite arguments that these rumors may have started when these UCLA students were high on crystal meth, ecstasy, Adderall, Chips Ahoy, and some German tea that came in that morning, the rumor has grown worldwide, doing nothing more than irritating Martin and his wife Gwyneth Paltrow at their Madonna-led Kaballah meetings in London. The topic is occasionally discussed on The Howard Stern Show since the mid-1990s, and continues to attract some interest within the entertainment industry, particularly with Coldplay fans in Asia.

Coldplay's next album title has raised eyebrows amongst conspirators after they announced it was going to be called Will The Real Chris Martin Please Stand Up.

Career

2000-present

In 2000 Coldplay released their much praised first album Parachutes including songs of "Trouble" "High Speed" and "Yellow." Martin stated that the inspiration for "Yellow" came from his undying love of The Simpsons and their skin tone. The other three members claimed that it was Martin mocking victims of liver failure, but the singer immediately denied their claims. Coldplay appeared at the Grammys, which saw their stock rise, only to plummet back to lowly levels after they made a guest appearance on Keith Chegwin Live and An Audience With Gary Glitter. But worst of all came the appearance at the Brit Awards, presented by Ant and Dec.

2002-2005

After firing their manager because of constant bad decision-making that created bad press, Coldplay hit it off once more in 2002 with a second album, and a headline spot at Glastonbury. Their second album was initally going to be titled A Rush Of Blood To Your Fucking Nose in order to try and shake off their image as the nice, clean-cut intelligent boys of popular music. However, fate stepped in as it quickly emerged that the Gallagher brothers from Oasis had copyrighted the phrase, and thus Coldplay had to change the name to the more modest A Rush Of Blood To Your Head. Success around the world and millions of sold albums soon got a call from Gwyneth Paltrow to Chris Martin, looking for a publicity boost after staining her Oscar-winning reputation alongside Jack Black in Shallow Hal.

2005-2008

Following his marriage to Paltrow, Martin was in inspired mood writing for the band's third album X&Y. However, recording didn't go as planned, and most people realized that the album sucked. The band had a major fallout after they found out that bass player Guy Berryman had snuck in a quick cigarette at the backdoor of their recording studios. Martin and fellow band members claimed that this was not "on-track," and that Berryman's life was clearly going off the rails. Berryman stated that he didn't deserve being treated like a second class citizen, and temporarily left the band. The band brought in kids' TV star Tinky Winkie from children's TV show Teletubbies after hearing that he was a talented bass player. Winkie had experience of the music scene by being part of Robbie Williams's backing band in the late 90s. Sadly, Winkie's short term tenure as Coldplay's bass player was a short one. After a few recording sessions, the band smelt a rat and concluded that the ex-kids TV entertainer was in fact retarded, and could in no way possible communicate with the band in which direction they should be taking. Tinky Winkie left on bad terms and the band were largely mocked within the British tabloids, with Winkie claiming that they exploited and discriminated his disability. Winkie later found success replacing the recently deceased Paul Gray from well-known Country and Western act Slipknot as their bassist. Chris Martin confessed that they could not find another bass player, and begged for Berryman's return.

2008-2009

2008 saw the release of their biggest album to date, Viva La Vida or Death and All His Friends. Working alongside ambience man Brian Eno, the album was a bombastic success. However, the band felt that their nice-guy image was taking them down and suggested that their upcoming tour would dispel that myth. Martin would occassionally throw in the odd light swear word when talking to the band's adoring fans at their shows. However, a year and a half into their tour, they admitted in private that they weren't going anywhere in dispelling the idea of them being the "nice men of alternative/rock/soft rock/ etc music." Collectively they decided to crank up the extremity of their on-stage behaviour during their night at Wembley Stadium in London.

Their behaviour turned out to be a public relations nightmare. The band entered onstage to the tune of their album opener "Life In Technicolor" directing abusive hand gestures at their fans and carrying a burning cross and ripping up pictures of the Pope, Ayatollah and for some reason that is to this day still unknown, Irish broadcaster Terry Wogan. They proceeded to do the unthinkable as they pulled down their trousers, defecated into towels and flung it into the audience. The drummer urinated onto the live onstage amp, only to be seriously and deservedly injured by electrocution. Martin jumped into the audience and started throwing countless punches into the faces of their one time admirers. Bass player Berryman screamed through the microphone, "You're all a bunch of fucking worthless poofs" as the police began to intervene. The crowd were rightly riled and began fighting with each other, resulting in the biggest London police operation ever. The band were ushered into a helicopter and taken away from the now burning stadium. The following morning, the band members appeared in court charged with indecent exposure, assault, incitement, vandalism, and the manslaugter of eighty-five fans killed in the fracas.

2009-Present

Sophia Spuds

Spuds, as remixed by Sophia

After the success of Viva La Vida or Death and All His Friends, the band knew they were not going to make an actual new Coldplay album for several years. In 2011 they released a new single for the album entitled Every Teardrop is a Waterfall. The single was criticized by fans for being different, unless it's different in a good way, like Viva La Vida was. Coldplay soon revealed the album title, cover artwork and official track listing. This included Every Teardrop is a Waterfall which got more fans raging, because it was pop music resembling Taylor Swift. A track entitled Princess of China that featured Rihanna would bring more raging criticism since the time when Bob Dylan went electric in the 1960s. In addition, Coldplay released a new single, days before the album's release called Paradise which brought more raging from fans. Then Justin Beiber fans said the entire album sucked just because of two singles, before it had even came out. The new album was released on October 24th. When people listened to the album, they knew it wasn't as bad as they thought it would be. It was worse.

The band later signed a contract with American Express to do Unstaged: Live at Madrid; the concert was later streamed on YouTube by broadcaster VEVO. The band decided to repeat history by displaying a "bad boy" image. Chris Martin decided to appear on stage naked, causing a public outrage and significant eye-strain in fans trying to make out his genitalia. This has since been repeated.

See also

Common mental illnesses

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