Coldplay

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Chris Martini singing "Yellow," a song about thin pale models of indeterminate race, which inspired much Asian hatred and rebellion towards Coldplay because Asians couldn't think of writing that song, much less sing it. Soon after the single's release, China banned Coldplay from its borders, they also banned whales and dolphins

“What is this, Cold........ Play you speak of?”

~ Queen Elizabeth on Coldplay

Coldplay is an English pro-heterosexual (we think metro-sexual) straight man's Nirvana spin-off. Also known as The Chris Martini Band (2008), U3 (2002-2003), and Fake Plastic Radiohead Cans (2004). Chris Martini is their singer and main songwriter, while the rest of the band are nameless stand-ins in the tradition of Milli Vanilli; producers and session musicians such as Brian Eno, Nigel Godrich, Mark Hollis, Jeff Beck, Pino Palladino, and Bill Bruford are hired to record and arrange songs. Due to the falling trend in good-looking, UFO/Satan worshiping lead singers, names such as "The Chris Martini Band" were dropped in favor of "Coldplay" because Martini claims "that it sounded so gay, everybody in the world had to like it." [Hiatt, B. (2008, June 26). Chris Martini: The Rolling Stone Interview. Rolling Stone, 1055, 52-58] Basically, it is something that sucks. Since 2006 it has been confirmed that anyone who likes Coldplay is homosexual.

Coldplay started out as a bad Oasis band that went gay beyond the pale of groups such as Blur and Joy Division. Their first hit single "Yellow" was formerly named "Thin Pale Supermodels" and failed to break into the English charts, whose audience preferred the music of Nada Surf, Oasis, U2, and Radiohead.

After renaming the song "Yellow" to suggest a more ambiguous hook -- that of being in love with Chinese male/female/transgendered Hong Kong prostitutes -- the band earned huge acclaim worldwide (except from China, who quickly banned Coldplay from their nation in perpetuity). Due to subliminal messages that occurred inside the single (most listeners were aroused at the thought of banging a Chinese whore that looked like Zhang Ziyi) listeners sent the record Parachutes soaring, with sales of 2.5 records sold.

Years later, Martini said at a London press conference (2005), "Clive (Davis) will rule the world . . . Clive or Al Gore, that is." From journalists to music industry insiders, no one was able to figure out what he really meant by that comment, like everything else he said.

Contents

[edit] Music Videos

Probably the most annoying thing about Coldplay's videos is that they're either awesome or shitty. Take the video "Yellow" for example. It's just Chris Martin running on a beach while it turns from night to day because Chris Martin takes too fucking long to finish the goddamn song. On the other hand the video "The Scientist" was good but it was extremely annoying in the beginning because you have to look at Chris Martin's face for half a minute.(It was reported that 101% of people that saw the video wanted to punch him in the face repeatedly for that thirty seconds.) There's more walking, but THIS time, he's walking BACKWARDS, so it's cool. (He's actually singing backwards and walking forwards, which is confusing at first, but then you're like what a fucking cop out.) There's a part where he totally cuts in front of a bunch of black guys playing basketball, and they don't even do anything, which is bullshit because if Chris Martin ever did that in real life he would get beat the fuck up. There are some cool parts to the video, especially the end, where there's a kickass car crash and where you see Chris Martin dead, but you also see a hot brunette dead, so it's not completely awesome. But like "Yellow" you don't see the rest of the band. (Presumably because Chris Martin wants all the attention on himself, as always. {This also definitely applies to Brandon Flowers of The Killers.}) Another video "Talk" has the whole band this time (for once we get to see the other guys in the band) on the moon walking with flashlights for half of the fucking video and then they see a robot and walk some more (with flashlights) while the robot is following them. Finally, the cool part comes at the end when the robot eats the entire band while they're in their spaceship about to leave. Robot:1, Coldplay:0. This is the second video where Chris Martin dies. (Apparently he likes dying in videos.)

[edit] Viva la Vida

After Coldplay released their album: Viva la Vida, they decided to make a music video for the album song: viva la vida. So they started working on it and were doing fine. Although, they had a time crunch for when they had to release it. In fact they had only 2 days before they were going to release it. "All will go fine," they thought. Not until they found out that none of the audio was recorded while they were preforming. So they called up Michael Jackson, obviously because he was the only one to turn too. They recorded Michael farting into the microphone and used that Audio over the footage they shot. Why did they not use the audio files from the album... well... they deleted it because they were just too stupid to keep it. It was a miserable failure when it was released. The only people who somewhat liked it were the cannibals in the Caribbean. In fact it motivated them to eat half of their population away. Coldplay earned a whopping 2.5 dollars from all their sales... worldwide, which coincidentially, is the amount of records "Parachutes" sold... worldwide.

Coldplay then released an EP to be handed out at live concerts, 'This is a free music CD my mushrooms are in the oven now'. The EP was recorded at a private gig at Chris Martin's house while wife Gwensniff Pulledhertoe was cooking mushrooms, and Chris was playing on his acoustic citar. The rest of the band were there and made wooshing sounds to make it sound like a live gig. The song 'Glass of Water' on that album was performed with an actual Glass of Lemonade.

[edit] Chris Martini's Grimm's Fairy Tale Past

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Coldplay.

A little known connection to Coldplay are the children's nature shows Kratt's Creatures and Zoboomafoo. The brothers starring in these shows, Chris (Martin) and Martin Kratt, were the siblings of Britney Spears, a very promiscuous Cheshire Cat. Unfortunately, Kratt's was losing popularity as the Y-Generation moved on to Pokemon instead of Cheshire Cats. Chris and Martin decided to go through a special medical procedure in Oxford (home of Radiohead) to become one person known as Chris Martin. This new living form could lip sync to any Radiohead song known to man, since Radiohead was always nearby rehearsing in Oxford.

Unfortunately, the lemur Zoboo can still be heard singing on certain Coldplay tracks. Others believe that Zoboo (a very musical creature that studied at Julliard who is an accomplished cheese string player) was accidentally attached to Martin in another medical procedure. They suspect that if Martin's head was shaved, you would find a Zoboo grinning menacingly out at you on top of Chris' skull. This is our way of telling you that Martin is as bald as Moby.

[edit] Recent Plagiarism (OMGZ)

Recently, Joe Satriani accused Coldplay of stealing some riff, and a fresh bag of hot Cheetos. That got the attention of Joan Rivers & his wife, Billy Mays, so all three of them sued MTV for emotional distress, causing an all out war between Japan and Digital Underground. Tupac and Morbid Angel then formed a deathcore band called Masturbatory Brain Palpatation. They made the biggest hit on MTV 2, 3, 9, and 67.

Although this has nothing to do with plagiarism, I found a penny in my couch, two lines of cocaine, and a misplaced homophobe.

[edit] Trivia

  • Chris believes that if he dresses like Thom Yorke, sings like him, and uses the same guitar as him, he can somehow BECOME him through The Transitive Douchebag Property of Physics. Unfortunately, the Thom Yorke that Chris is swooning about has been on the missing persons list since the release of OK Computer. (Naming his son "Noah" after Thom named his son "Noah" is also just a mere coincidence, just like "Apple" was named after Apple Studios)
  • Chris Martin has developed strong upper body strength after having to constantly climb up windows to orphanages write more songs about Rapunzel's long hair, aka Gwyneth.
  • Their work has been translated into many languages, possibly the strangest of these is the version available for clarinet.
  • It has been reported that every straight man hates Chris Martin for somehow obtaining a wife as smokin' hot as Gwyneth Paltrow when he is, after all, Chris Martin. Well, I guess now her name is... Gwyneth Marti----- (Author's head has Asploded.)
  • It has also been strangely reported that even extreme Coldplay haters LOVE the literally hypnotizing song "Clocks", for some unknown reason. I hate these twats... but I feel like putting on Clocks. Do do do do do do do....
  • Having made such a huge success of themselves, lead singer Chris Martin thought that it was time that he summoned the Devil to create him a wife. He called this wife Gwyneth. Gwyneth is a stupid name that is the pompous version of a nicer but ordinary name, Gwen.
  • Coldplay have in recent times turned to rampant masochistic catholic violin pope in leathery jesus suit sex worshiping rituals of fritzlised rapist doom in an effort to rule the christian faith, establish their own secret order and kill Tom Hanks using a freaky white guy in a gimp suit. Their recent turn can be seen through songs such as when I rule the world (a clever anagram of "the rectum jesus will rise").
  • Chris is completely whipped by his wife Gwyneth. He didn't want his child to be called 'Apple.' Pomegranate was just fine with him.
  • Lead singer Chris 'Gorgoroth the Bloodflayer' Martin once punched veteran actor Marlon Brando in the kidney so hard, that Martin died. Chris Martin hasn't been seen since and is believed to be hiding in New York with Tupac Shakur, James Labrie and Jean Paul Sartre. Actually, he punched a paparazzi, thinking that it was Marlon Brando who was going to eat his kids.
  • After releasing the first B-sides compilation, logically entitled "Raping the Pygmies," the boys decided to go on a break and make a film called "Fight Club." A film trivia fact: Brad Pitt is merely Chris Martin's body double in the film. Chris was criticized by The Daily Mail as being "crap, not excessively good." I disagree. He has nice nips, even for a person made out of two people.
  • Chris Martin has recently emerged from a four-month hiatus for singing too high, and as a result has grown stubble and curly hair, which killed thirty Scandinavian OAPs. The outbreak has been termed Beard Flu and is curable by assault via razor blade still made Chris sing out of tune in the high register.
  • Coldplay is regularly criticized for looking too much like Radiohead. In fact, if photos throughout time are to be believed, Radiohead is starting to look more like Coldplay.
  • When Chris was at boarding school, his lifetime ambition was to be an accountant. Just like Mick Jagger, who wanted to be an accountant. This is Martin's roundabout way of saying he wanted to become Mick Jagger.
  • Coldplay's next album is rumored to have vocal contributions from a wasp, Melinda Messenger, and the Queen. They are currently recording the album in an east-end brothel, and it is set for release in 2010. When released, rumors say that if exactly 339,000 CD's are played at the same time, then this will signal to the Martians to attack, in a similar style to War of the Worlds. Chris Martin actually starred in this movie, preparing for his glorious assault on the Earth in the not-so-distant future Gwyneth Paltrow sing backup vocals (through an Emulator) as she did on their last two albums.
  • Recently, Martin and Paltrow the Gwyneth had a child named Potato. She was designed to satisfy the Irish if there is another famine.
  • Coldplay recently became the first band to play a gig without actually showing up.
  • Chris Martin maintains good morale in his band by giving (unknown guitarist) in the band blow jobs on a daily basis, particularly in the pages of Rolling Stone magazine, where Chris compares (unknown guitarist) among the greats unknown guitarists no real guitarist in the music industry cares about.
  • Recent studies in soviet russia have revealed that 83% of rapists enjoy listening Coldplay because it makes you feel better about yourself, even if you're a worthless piece of shit. (Like rapists.) Quick, someone give Ann Coulter a copy of Parachutes!
  • Chris Martin is so kind that he gives 2p of his £200 million to charity After watching the Disney movie National Treasure starring Nicholas Cage, Martin heard that the writer of The Dead Seas Scrolls was alive and well in the form of Gnarls Barkley, and since 2000 has followed every clue that leads to the scrolls. He is organizing a 2009 Dead Seas Scrolls Pacific Rim Expedition.
  • No matter how many times Chris sings about the beauty of the world, humanity, and ideal love, God is known to still think that Chris is God's bitch and doesn't give a fiddle about Gwyneth Paltrow. It is also alleged by many in the music industry that God is not Bono.
  • Chris Martin is very gay happy.
  • Chris Martin is a first cousin of Kermit the Frog.
  • Chris Martin once ate the brains of a swedish boy named Johan Strandell an entire tub of Ben & Jerrys on his own!
  • PenispenisPENIS!!!!! LoL.
  • Also, it is said that Chris Martin just may be a woman. Evidence of this is his glass-shatteringly high voice. Who said that?

[edit] Discography

  • Cumshots (2000)
  • Original Covers (2012)
  • A Rush of LSD to My Impressionable, Five-Year-Old Brain (2002)
  • A Rush of Poo to the Face (2003)
  • E = mc2/U2 (2005)
  • S&E&X (2005)
  • Viva My Cock or Barack Obama is One Sick, Sick Cookie (2008)
  • Fuck Death and All His Friends (2008)
  • Free Nelson Mandela or Life Imprisonment for All His Friends (2009)
  • Glass of bullshit (1874)
  • Prostitute's March" (1873)

[edit] Coldplay's similarities with random crap

[edit] With Prog-rock

[edit] Similarities between Coldplay and Radiohead

[edit] Similarities between Chris Martin and Bono

[edit] Similarities between you and my cock

[edit] Similarities between a small ball of pubes and a large ball of pubes

[edit] See Also

Spuds, as remixed by Sophia
v • d • e
Barmy British Stuff

hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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