Colchester
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If it is accepted that the U.K. is some kind of giant land based art attack depicting a monstrously tectonic and fat pig (the head of course being Wales, Cornwall; the front hoof, Scotland, and the filthy north, some kind of filthy shaped northerner riding his crazy pig) then it can also generally be accepted that Colchester is the shitty brown, arse-hole situated right in the centre of a hairy pair of buttocks. Buttocks that are jokingly referred to as 'Essex'. Do you see the joke? The joke they're all playing on us? It's Essex, to rhyme with 'ASS SEX'. The idea of full on penetrative anal sex is very funny to them.
Colchester claims to be the oldest town in Britain, but it's talking bullshit. Colchester is in fact a New Town built out of the despair and tasteless depression inherent to the 1980's. There is no Roman history, much in the same way that Chelmsford is not at all the 'Birthplace of Radio'. It's all a lie to create some kind of civic pride (I had to look that term up because as you can probably tell I have no idea what it is) and thus stop children having to leave school at 13 because of their ever increasing baby commitments.
Almost from the very beginning of the existence of Chavs and Emos, if you can cast your mind back over such a long and significant era, Colchester has been known as a 'Chav haven' and 'emo gathering hole', mostly because these descriptions describe the place exactly. No one's saying anything bad about that. The internet is here to express the facts and that is all. However, saying that, it is indeed a fact that in some places of the world Chavs and Emos don't exist. Never even been heard of. Neither are these places hard to find...
The town also sits on top of a hill because it thinks this makes it better than other towns, but it doesn't. It just makes everything ten times worse.
If you don't know what Colchester is all about by now maybe this will help; I told someone I was from Colchester, and they Spat In My Face.
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[edit] A Tour of Colchester
The entire town is so small that you can miss it if you blink when riding by on a Razor. If it weren't for the horrendous stench, that is. That's mainly from the massive sperm stains over everything, thousands of layers deep, along with human milk and feces.
In the centre of Colchester lies a monument to its true identity crisis: Colchester Castle. Yes, it looks distinctly Roman from the ground, but in a cunning ruse designed to thwart German bombers in WW2 it has a tasteless Italian-style roof, mainly because the stupid Nazis don't know the difference between west and south on their compasses. It is set inside a lively and active open container and needle park, while the interior is necrophiliac art along with stuffed cow udders. The one attraction is the Colchester ghost, Norbert the tower guard, who was thought to have met with an unfortunate end for trying to win a bet that he can swallow his sword. Recent spooky noises turned out to be the janitor, who had been stuck in the dungeon since 1992, when the aforementioned Chav population had locked him in, and got into masturbation with goose grease.
The main claim to fame in Colchester is its famous Friday Night Cold Chest Fight. Every week without fail, the local paratroopers and student population meet outside the Hippodrome for a bit of 'male bonding' (or as it is locally known, 'Kicking seven bloody bells outta each other'), in the nude of course. The Red cap population and local bobbies once tried to break up such conflicts, but gave up after they were given beejays by transvestite nuns.
Colchester was recently rated the #3 worst town in the British Isle after Norwich and Bath.
However on the positive side, in the year of 2000 there was a Harry Potter fan happening at the Gilberd School, led by the influential Lord Alfie Barlow, Baron Macca the Scott, and Landlord Sean Bean. After many a setback the Harry Potter way of life was found to suck, and combined with whiskey guzzling and cum spurt contests for women.
The Gilberd School was also the site for a major racist revolution fronted by Lord Ehhhh, God of the White World (no one knows his real name, but he is amazingly white). This revolution was caused by the sheer amount of blacks joining the school, pissing off Ehhhh, who shoved them all into Mr Barney's classroom and turned on the gas and flicked his Bic. Unfortunately Bad Boy Barney was not killed in this incident, so watch for him :P.
[edit] Colchester Zoo
Colchester's main attraction, after getting insulted in the street for no reason and collecting hot sausage stamps, is its zoo. Situated somewhere or other around the town, the zoo itself was originally founded as a general area of torture for animals that considered themselves to good to be indigenous to Colchester. It was thought that these stuck up creatures, such as the gee-raff, penguin and those big cats that live in Africa or wherever, ought to be taught a lesson; namely that Colchester was a town of ridiculous sensitivity and would try to hide this fact whenever possible by lashing out at stupid mindless animals that were well posh or something. The animals are maintained in relatively small housings specifically designed to be too hot and uncomfortable to sleep in.
The institution turned into a zoo of sorts after the general hatred of poncy animals, such as that fat elephant thing(seriously they stink), became accepted by the community as a whole. Customers will pay an agreeable sum to lord it up over those hairy, long nosed mothers in order to re-affirm their own supperiority.
A popular show at the zoo consists of a large bear, (you never see bears wondering the high street of town, because they sticks to Peru or wherever they think is worthy of those big-ass butts, unlike all the Colchester rats. They're everywhere), who sways his head from side to side for three hours and then procedes to vomit on one lucky member of the crowd.
[edit] The History
Colchester was founded by a bunch of homosexual but chest-loving Romans who stole it from the barbarian fag population that resided in current Essex. The Romans then named it Cold Chest Town, and this was 2,000 years before the invention of brassiers.
After many fights with local barbarian tribes, a red-headed Amazon queen known as Boudicca decided to give the Romans some payback for invading her country and gangbanging her daughters while stealing her people blind, unsuccessfully attempting to burn Colchester to the ground, followed by St. Albans and London, where she founded a cathouse filled with captured Roman sluts that became the foundation of the British royal family.
[edit] Trivia
1. Colchester is the best place for a stubble-chin beejay or a migrane headache.
2. Colchester is the worst place to score poontang.
3. Colchester is the coldest place outside the Arctic.
4. Madonna has plans to turn it into "Material Girl Bare Chester".
5. There's nobody left who cares about Colchester but you, sucker.
6. "I wanna suck your colchester" is a worn-out left-hand compliment among the British royals - read the book.
7. "A warm day in Colchester" is an expression for "never".
8. The town logo is Pam Anderson lying nude on her back on a pool table taking black pool cue in her shaved snatch.
9. Colchester was the first and last town in Britain to be built from a design created on SimCity 2000 for the SNES. That's why nobody can ever get any fucking water!
[edit] The Future
In the year 2009, the entire population of Colchester promises to leave permanently for all the Bird's custard coupons they can carry, after which the government plans to fill the town with gay (and a few straight) Arab Muslim terrorists from [Abu Ghraib] and [Guantanamo Bay].
- Note: part one has been abandoned, as there is no point in paying to move tramps and drug addicts just to have them sneak back in for Arab hos.
As a growing Muslim Shia Law town famed for whacking infidel tourists, Colchester is predicted to quickly sink even lower than it is now, thank you U.S. President Barack Obama for this second chance for change.
To save it for any remaining non-Muslims, Colchester Castle will be relocated to Mile End under the watchful eye of the landlord himself, Prince Charles of the Funny Ears. Many a session of gay leapfrog cricket will be enjoyed there, although Muslim trespassers and anybody looking like his Snuggles will be tapped out at all costs.
It has been predicted that Colchester will be destroyed in 2019 by Huddersfieldian invaders, sadly only one year before they complete their 2020 stadium project and Colchester United FC gets a real stadium, as opposed to their fenced of piece of dead grass they currently play on. Not that it isn't always wise to steer well clear of the South of England. It's now under [Papsi] ruling, and of course [Sean Carter], who changed the rules to allow an armbar to be used as punishment.
[edit] Important Quotes
“Yeah, I went there once. It was like watching BBC three and somehow getting sucked in.”
“I asked my lawyer if burning down the town would make me any money. He said 'No', but that's not gonna' stop me trying!”
