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“Yeah, I went there once. It was like watching BBC three and somehow getting sucked in.”
~ The Queen of England on visiting Colchester
“I asked my lawyer if burning down the town would make me any money. He said 'No', but that's not gonna' stop me trying!”
~ The mayor of Colchester on his taste for money, power and fire
Colchester town centre.
State East of England
Official language(s) Englishe
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Colchester.

Colchester is the oldest record town in the UK - and as a result, also the most dilapidated. Despite numerous heroic attempts to destroy it (most admirably by Boudica, who attempted to burn it in 61AD) it still stands to this day.; acting now in its main occupation as a central distribution point for Iceland supermarket, Paratrooper brawling den and easy access point to London. The name Colchester derives from the Latin for "Camel Toe". UR8M8

edit A Tour of Colchester

In the centre of Colchester lies a monument to its true identity crisis - the castle. It looks distinctly Roman from the ground, but in a cunning ruse designed to thwart German bombers in WW2 it has a horrible, Victorian roof. Moreover, it is set inside a lively and active park - whereas the inside is dull and boring. The one attraction, rumours of a ghost (Norbert the tower guard who was thought to have met with an unfortunate end after winning a bet he could swallow his sword) recently proved to be false, when the spooky noises turned out to in fact be the janitor. He had been stuck in the dungeon since 1992, when the afore mentioned population had locked him in.

The main claim to fame in Colchester is its famous Friday Night Cold Chest Fight. Every week without fail, the local paratroopers and student population meet outside the Hippodrome for a bit of 'male bonding' (or as it is locally known, 'Kicking seven bloody bells outta each other'), in the nude of course. The Red cap population and local bobbies once tried to break up such conflicts, but gave up after they were given beejays by transvestite nuns.

edit Colchester Zoo


Colchester Castle, June 2009

Colchester's main attraction, after getting insulted in the street for no reason, is its zoo. Situated somewhere or other around the town, the zoo itself was originally founded as a general area of torture for animals that considered themselves too good to be indigenous to Colchester. It was thought that these stuck up creatures such as the gee-raff, penguin and those big cats that live in Africa or wherever, ought to be taught a lesson. Namely that Colchester was a town of ridiculous sensitivity and would overcompensate for this fact whenever possible by lashing out at stupid mindless animals that were well posh or something. The animals are maintained in relatively small housings specifically designed to be too hot and uncomfortable to sleep in.

The institution turned into a zoo of sorts after the general hatred of poncy animals, such as that fat elephant thing (seriously they stink), became accepted by the community as a whole. Customers will pay an agreeable sum to lord it up over those hairy, long nosed mothers and re-affirm their own superiority.

A popular show at the zoo consists of a large bear (you never see bears wondering the high street of town, because they sticks to Peru or wherever they think is worthy of those big-ass butts. Unlike all the Colchester rats. They're everywhere) who sways his head from side to side for three hours and then proceeds to vomit on one lucky member of the crowd.

edit The History

Air Force technologies

The military corrective training centre

Colchester was founded by a bunch of Romans who stole it from the barbarian population that resided in current Essex. The Romans then named it Cold Chest Town, and this was 2,000 years before the invention of brassieres.

After many fights with local barbarian tribes, a red-headed Amazon queen known as Boudicca decided to give the Romans some payback for invading her country and gangbanging her daughters while stealing her people blind, unsuccessfully attempting to burn Colchester to the ground, followed by St. Albans and London, where she founded a cathouse filled with captured Roman sluts that became the foundation of the British royal family.

edit The Future


Connor Barrett's Crucifixion of Mankind, located in the Colchester Public Library

It has been predicted that Colchester will be destroyed in 2019 by Huddersfieldian invaders - sadly only one year before they complete their 2020 project and Colchester United FC get a real stadium, as opposed to their fenced of piece of grass they currently play on. Until this point, it is advised to steer well clear of the South of England.

Colchester evenduatley gets re-built to what is was before it was destroyed. But off course, there are some futuristic differences when the town does get finished.

edit Accidental Nuclear Holocaust

George Orwell, in his fictional book '1984', names Colchester as the first town to be hit by nuclear missile before everything goes to hell in a hand-basket. Sadly for the inhabitants of Colchester, who all took this reference to be the recognition they had long deserved (that is to say; Woop, woop we're in a book!), Orwell later admitted to have having no knowledge whatsoever of the town. He had thought the name 'Colchester' was simply a stupid nonsense name he'd made up so as not to cause offence at the fictional mass destruction and death.

When informed that Colchester was indeed the name of a real town in Essex, Orwell is reported to have laughed for about half an hour and then quickly apologised.

This unimportant and forgettable detail was however, brushed under the metaphorical carpet by the proud and easily offended Colchestarians. And when 1984 (the year) came around it was decided by the towns mayor that a real atomic bomb would be detonated above Colchester in a great celebration of the towns heritage. Pound for pound this worked out cheaper than the fireworks.

There's not a great deal of information concerning the events that followed the 1984 celebration (oft the sign of a good party if you ask me) but the town's economy has since boomed from the benefits of international aid and a healthy interest in dirt cheap radioactive beef. Luckily that shit never runs out.

It was another 10 years before the secret bunker was opened to the public.

edit Trivia

  1. Colchester is the best place for a stubble-chin beejay or a migrane headache.
  2. Colchester is the worst place to score poontang.
  3. Colchester is the coldest place outside the Arctic.
  4. Madonna has plans to turn it into "Material Girl Bare Chester".
  5. There's nobody left who cares about Colchester but you, sucker.
  6. "I wanna suck your colchester" is a worn-out left-hand compliment among the British royals - read the book.
  7. "A warm day in Colchester" is an expression for "never".
  8. The town logo is Pam Anderson lying nude on her back on a pool table taking black pool cue in her shaved snatch.
  9. Colchester was the first and last town in Britain to be built from a design created on SimCity 2000 for the SNES. That's why nobody can ever get any god dammed water!
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