Coelacanth

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Because of their incurable biases, the so-called experts at Wikipedia will probably never have an article about Coelacanth. We are sorry they insist on being this lame.

Coelacanths (pronounced: see-luh-canth)probably form the basis of most "the big one that got away" stories fishermen are so fond of. While it is not clear whether they are real or imagined, some authorities with moderate experience in taxonomy sandwich them between the Loch Ness monster and Elvis in the tree of life. In fact, coelacanths may turn out to be a kind of sandwich after all.

[edit] Habitat

While little is known about their natural habitat, they seem to favor the deep, dark recesses of the ocean or museums, slithering about in the darkness, occasionally rising to the surface to reproduce or check their Email. It is thought that coelacanths need very dry or very wet habitats in which to survive. More moderate climes cause them to break out in hives or spontaneously transform into a thin, watery, bouillabaisse.

[edit] Physical Characteristics

Coelacanths possess many weird appendages, some of which are specialized for opening refrigerators and using a computer, while others are designed for removing fish hooks. Interestingly, coelacanths are poorly adapted for using photographic equipment. This may be due to their aversion to being photographed. Conversely, some authorities believe this aversion is the result of their inability to take photographs and not the other way around.

[edit] Social Lives

Nothing is known about the social lives of coelacanths. There are several theories proposed to explain this glaring gap in our knowledge;

• Coelacanths do not exist.
• Female coelacanths do not exist.
• Coelacanths are so reclusive they have forgotten what another coelacanth looks like.
• Coelacanths restrict their social lives to private, invitation only web sites.

[edit] Reproduction

Current wisdom has it that coelacanths are born when boredom meets a fertile imagination. A diet of pretzels and MMORPG's can, on rare occasions, cause a coelacanth to burst forth from your brain.

[edit] Coelacanths and poetry

A curious fact about coelacanths is their passion for rhyme. The great prophet Nosferatu wrote in 2003 AD;

Repressed by the oceans deep, pickled in jars to keep. Will burst forth one day with glee, more sticky rice for me!

True believers are of the opinion this foretells of the coming of a poet laureate in the form of a coelacanth. Other, more cynical, scholars are of the opinion the scrap of verse reveals more of the prophet's liking for Thai food.

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