From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
A cock block is the act of protecting one's genitals from forces that may damage them, such as cause scotal bleeding.
Cock blocks are commonly practiced in order to ensure that one has his genitals for his entire life, and not until a cheap prostitute gives you V.D. Sometimes, benevolent strangers or friends might cock block someone when they fail to notice a danger to their valuables. The latter case is often not a physical block, but rather prevention of a situation that can endanger one's genitalia.
Though cock block techniques have seen little evolution, cock blocking apparatus has been manufactured to facilitate blocking one's cock from things the hands cannot keep at bay, such as beta and gamma radiation, chatity belts, and blows with sufficient force to cause the hands to simply distribute it across a wider range, risking damage over a greater area than they were not blocked.
Procedures of Penis (officially established by the U.N. in 1954)
Self-performed cock blocks
The most common self-performed cock block is when one cups his hands over his pubic area in order to protect it from an incoming projectile, often a ball used in some sport, or a missile from Kim Jong-Ill (the tiny-penised Korean DICKtator).
The second most common case is when one is masturbating and someone oblivious to his actions enters the room. One scrambles to hide the porn and the other instruments of the act. Soon afterwards, "GET THE FUCK OUT!" is exclaimed. The intruders often comply, though their motives aren't fully understood. On rare occasions, the intruder may join in on the fun, unless it is your mom, where it just becomes awkward and weird (but still pleasurable).
Selfless cock blocks
The selfless cock block is performed by one who cares about nothing but the welfare of the man in question and prevents the occurrence of an act that could damage one's genitals. If you don't have genitals, like Justin Bieber or The Miami Dolphins, it is considered less selfless because you don't have the balls to do it if you had balls. In situations where the cock blockee in question has no legitimate shot at getting with the woman in question, it is only humorous to throw a stiff cockblock.
This is most commonly performed by the friends of a drunken slut, through nothing other than altruism, to protect a man from the taint of her wickedness and gonorrhea. They deem it necessary to protect a fellow human being from any chance of harm, unless it's really funny, in which case they watch and laugh. Next time you are cock blocked, show some appreciation, for these are, indeed, good people (who can't themselves get laid).
Cock blocking apparatus
As one can not always cup his groin with his hands, there are tools in manufacture that will protect it. Unknown to most users, though, use of these devices will cause one to abandon his cock block reflex, resulting in greater risk of harm when one is not wearing them.
Genitalia Protection Wrap-Up
Cock blocking is a means of protecting oneself from sterility and severe pain still in use today. Invented by Chuck Norris, it is estimated to be used by 99.9561%* of males in the world.
- Please Note* A cock block may also a be referred to as one man blocking another man from getting to use his cock on said evening (not one man placing his hand over another man's gemitals to "protect" them, which is a common mistake). E.g. A man has a hot chick and his buddy comes along with something like "... Yeah then he shit his pants, and had his mom clean them..." therefore preventing said man from getting laid, A.K.A. a Cock Block.
There are two major forms of Cock Block. Note that only the offensive Cock Block is deemed a true party foul.
- The Defensive Cock Block The Defensive Cock Block is the act of protecting oneself from the intrusion of unwanted genetalia on one's person. It may also involve the protection of a significant other, with which one has signed an agreement for exclusive genital access, from the intrusion of other persons without said access rights. The Defensive Cock Block is not in any respect considered a party foul and is in fact perfectly respectable behavior, unless it's being done by Chuck Norris, then for the love of god, just leave it alone.
- The Offensive Cock Block is the act of preventing two persons from enjoying any romantic, sexual or lustful activity that the two might choose to partake in without your meddling ass getting involved. Cock Blocking may be performed by sexual rivals or close friends often with quite equal effect (i.e. blueballs). The Cock Block is often considered to be a party foul, although there is some debate in this matter (see below).
Controversy The Offensive Cock Block may be considered appropriate, and thus a non-party foul, under certain circumstances. As the Late Chief Justice Rehnquist explained in the majority opinion of the landmark Cock-Blocking case Skeeve v. Annoying Fat Friend (1999) "While profiling and Cock Blocking merely based on a sketchy appearance clearly violates the equal protections clause, fat friends and male friends are in the right to Cock Block if the attractive female friend verbally mentions a need for defensive manuever or makes a non-verbal motion that implies the same. No person should "assume" that any friend needs "saving" even if their admirer is below usual standards, since that friend may be well aware of the standard violation and might simply be really horny. Furthermore, when you "assume" you deny ass to both you and me. This does not hold true for situations in which the friend is fucked-up to the point of not so much dancing as stumbling. In such cases, any attempt at a pick-up implies demonstratable sketchiness and may be cock blocked with extreme prejudice." This ruling may yet be overturned, and will be retried under the more sketch-friendly Roberts court. And according to Donald M. Perv, chief attorney for the Playas' Club (the powerful Pimps lobbying group) "Under the current administration it has been very hard out here for Pimps. Pimpin' has never been easy, but under the Republican rule of the last eight years it has been downright impossible. Barack Obama is a known and demonstrated Baller, although a terrible president, and known communist. He is a Pimp with a capital "P" and we fully expect to see him follow in the pimping tradition of Bill Clinton, Tiger Woods, and JFK. As such we are seeking to overturn the unconstitutional Skeeve ruling and institute new anti-cock blocking legislation. All offensive Cock Blocking must be considered a party foul. Furthermore, we are seeking to create the new category of party felony for any female friend who cock blocks merely because she is not getting ass herself or male friend who cock blocks because he secretly wants the girl in question but is too much of a little bitch to actually ask her out. Party Felonies will of course be punishable by death."
If one does not have any kind of male or none in general genitalia (such as Justin Beiber, the Miami Dolphins and Robert Pattison a.k.a. Edward Cullfag). If it is done by one woman to another (once again, Justin Beiber), then it is referred to as "vaginal blockade."