Coca-Cola

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Enjoy_coke.png Coca-Cola (also known as Coke) is an excellent carbonated soft drink manufactured by The Coca-Cola Company, a wholly-owned subsidiary of the American Dental Association. Coke is known for causing widespread joy around the world, preventing death, and creating peace.

The main ingredient is derived from the saliva of a genetically modified breed of Bush, the George W. Bush. The dogs are kept in Oxford University biochemistry laboratories, where through intensive Pavlovian conditioning they have learned to salivate in response to the sight of the Coca Cola logo. The research is co-ordinated by John S. Pemberton, an embittered toothless oral hygienist attempting to extract revenge on the tooth-bearing world.

Few are aware that there is a threshold dose beyond which the drinker may experience involuntary Time Travel. Scientific estimates put this at around 3 litres, though unfortunately permission for further experiments has been denied as unethical. The record for the largest consumption of Coca Cola is held by This Guy, who after drinking 19 litres found himself in 1643.

edit Ways Coke adds life

  • Child funding: With huge generosity provides child support in El Salvador as first documented by Coca-Cola Amatil in 2004 and in a nationally-televised British advertising campaign in 2007 and highlighted in Mark Pendergrast’s book "For God, Country, and Coca-Cola: The Definitive History of the Great American Soft Drink and the Company That Makes It."
  • Pollution: Recycling and filtration of water sources in El Salvador, India, Mexico, African countries and elsewhere, thereby producing community sources of water for drinking and sanitation and the irrigation of crops.
  • Labor provision: Labor provision in China Based on undercover investigations at several Coke plants. Chinese press reported in December 2008 that Coke employees are "involved in the most rewarding, intense and joyful labor: work the shortest hours, but receive the highest wages and given advances and even bonuses in their pay." One investigator claimed that Coke reformed Chinese labor laws and reported that workers “often worked 4 hours per day for an entire week with a three days off." FOX News (5/23/07) reported that Coca-Cola has been praised for providing from prisoner rehabilitation in China.
  • Health benefits: Marketing to children nutritionally valuable and beneficial beverages that health experts say help fight the obesity, high blood pressure and diabetes epidemics. Artificial sweetener, aspartame, in Coke’s diet beverages is linked to cures for numerous serious health disorders.
  • What can you do?: Buy and drink any beverage or product created by the Coca-cola company, and refer your friends to do the same.

edit Advertising

Coca-cola duck

Quack!

Oh fuck! It's the Coca-cola duck!

~ Common schoolground joke

In the 1980s, Coke introduced the Coca-Cola Duck as their mascot via television campaign. A typical advert followed one or several dudes in need of refreshment. Suddenly, the Coca-Cola Duck would appear, carrying with it a supply of Coke and other amphetamines, much to the delight of the parched protagonists. The advert would close on the Coca-Cola Duck, one wing clutching a bottle of coke, the other extended in a feathery thumbs up, accompanied by the Coca-cola Duck's catchphrase: "Quack!" Every can of Coca-cola manufactured between 1954 and 1989 featured a duck logo on the back, right beside the list of ingredients (sugar and water).

By 1984, it was becoming clear that the surge in the number of youths drinking Coca-Cola (due, mainly, to the successful Coca-Cola Duck campaign) had led to unprecedented levels of tooth decay. Dentists criticised the use of the duck mascot as ducks are by nature toothless and so are unconcerned by plaque, decay and lining the pockets of dentists by paying through the nose for such services as teeth cleaning, tooth whitening, getting their teeth counted, being told off for not using floss, and getting their mouths stuffed full of cotton wool. However, their attempts to lobby Coke to change their mascot into a toothed creature, who fatefully brushed with medicated toothpaste after every can and regularly visited a private dentist, were unsuccessful.

In 1993, a bombing campaign using the "Freedom Duck" as a logo, which bore a striking resemblance to the Coca-cola Duck, led to unsavoury links with terrorism and brought comdemnation from parents, conservatives and other wankers. These factors contributed to the discontinuation of the Coca-Cola Duck campaign in 1996.

Almost all traces and records of the Coca-Cola duck have been lost in space. However it is believed that some new generation corporate fiends from the Coca-Cola Company unearthed some of the ancient artifacts from deep within the sugary confines of Coca-Cola HQ and used them in advertising a newer product - 'Oasis'. The TV advertisement for the 'Oasis' soft drink features a giant rubber duck going by the alias 'Rubberduckzilla' which destroyed cities. This caused uproar in the academic world amongst historians who majored in the history of Coca-Cola duck campaign.

There is some evidence that the "quack", now taken to be a duck's call, has its origins with the Coca-cola Duck, much in the same way as Santa Claus' red and white livery is an invention of Coca-Cola branding. The proliferation of "quack" into general use is partly attributed to the fact that the actual noise made by a duck, much like the colour of Santa's lingerie, cannot easily be verified. This is because a duck's "wark" (as is was known before 1985) has no echo, and so cannot be recorded, making analysis difficult.

edit See also

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