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Coca-Cola Classic is an ancient language originally spoken in Atlantis, a province of the American Empire, whose inhabitants (known as 'muricans in their native tongue) spread it across the earth, causing it to eventually become the lingua franca of globalization. The vulgar form of Coca-Cola, known as "coke", evolved over time into the Cola Languages: Pepsi, RC Cola, etc.
edit How Coca-Cola Classic Spread
It is commonly believed that the American Empire was an imperialist power that went around the world conquering its enemies and forcing its culture upon invaded peoples. Scholars are quick to point out that this cannot be accurate, as most of the spread of 'murican culture can only be attributed to the post-1945 period when they stopped winning any wars.
Rather, the spread of their culture, including Coca-Cola Classic, primarily resulted from the popularity of their literature, which was known as Hollywood. Although Hollywood was not of high artistic value, it contained many explosions and taught people curse words in the 'murican tongue, which were useful for when America would try and fail to conquer their countries. Often the people cursing at 'muricans drank out of bottles labeled "Coca-Cola Classic", which led foreigners to want to adopt this language as their own.
Many languages across the world are descended from Coca-Cola Classic, including:
- Big Cola, regulated by the Real Academia Cola, which likes to go on and on about the "fascinating treasures of our language", despite the fact that it is not actually indigenous to their country.
- Bubba Cola, spoken in Appalachia and widely looked down upon as an inferior dialect.
- Pepsi, the official choice of non-conformists everywhere.
- RC Cola, a modern language of Atlantis, although it is not widely spoken, as most people are very surprised when driving from New York to Disney World to discover that Atlantis still exists.
- Thums Up, a little-known Indian variety popularized to unite speakers of the country's sixteen official languages, resulting in there suddenly being seventeen.
edit The Failed Reform of 1985
In 1985 the people of Atlantis began to worry that Coca-Cola Classic would be displaced by the vernaculars that had sprung from it, so in order to combat this they decided to reform their language by making it more similar to the vernaculars. The result, known as New Coke, drew an angry, hostile reaction from 'muricans who had grown up learning the classical language and were worried that everything they knew and loved might change slightly. Even people who had theoretically supported the idea of reform believed New Coke was too similar to the Newspeak that had been invented the previous year.
As a result, Coca-Cola Classic was brought back almost immediately, and New Coke was officially declared dead in 2002, long after most people had forgotten it was ever alive. Futurologists predict that New Coke will rise again when Atlanteans realize they can market it ironically to hipsters.
edit See also
- American language, another language of the United States.
- Coca-Cola, a soft drink made by Atlanteans.
- Cocaine, a related language.
- Coke Zero for an in-depth discussion of the classical language's complicated numeral system.
- Diet Coke, the parliament of Atlantis.
- The South, where Atlantis is located.