Coke
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“Who needs coke when you've got heroin?”
~ Renton on coke
“Let me tell you, Coke has convinced me to always wash underneath my foreskin.”
~ George W. Bush on Coke
“Coke!...no pepsi!”
~ one of The Blues Brothers in any soda shop
“In Soviet Russia, Coke Drink YOU!”
~ Russian Reversal on coke
“Evil company trying to rule the world with subliminal messages pretty good drink...”
~ Pie on waffle
“Runescape is shitty, but if you have cock and ballsacks ice with Coke it gets more shittier!”
~ Ad for Coke on coke (duh)
Safety concerns aside, Coke is a stimulant of the central nervous system and an appetite suppressant, creating what has been described as a euphoric sense of happiness and increased energy. Coke can be psychologically addictive, and its possession, cultivation, and distribution is illegal for non-medicinal / non-government sanctioned purposes in virtually all parts of the world. In the scientific community Coke refers to the harmless white powder cocaine. However, in some impoverished neighborhoods, the word "Coke" is used only when referring to Coca Cola. It is also the arch-nemesis of Derek Smart.
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[edit] The meaning of the name
There is an urban legend that the Chinese translation for "Coca-Cola" is "huge dildo with soda." This has no basis in reality. Fortunately, many gullible Westerners who know a lot of Chinese regard this as true. It has even made it into a book, Suckers in International Assholes by David Ricks and Giuseppe Bertola. These authors are guilty of neglecting basic research to verify something they present as fact. Also the "coke" is used by the polish soccer team to kill the germans with crackers.
By now it may be too late to reverse this bit of misinformation, since this made up BS is repeated ad infinitum by enthusiastic but ignorant Westerners. Truly, the stupidity of the masses is a mighty and unstoppable engine of destruction. Just think of how many people accidentally type killercoke.COM instead of killercoke.ORG.
The truth is Coca-Cola was a term created to cover up the terrible, horrible failure that was New Coke.
[edit] Addictions to Coke
WARNING: Coke is a highly addictive product that contains one, all, or more of the following (though not at all times, hence the "seasonal" Coke cans. And you thought that was just marketing, didn't you?): High Fructose Corn Syrup, Sugar, Niccotine, Caffiene, Cocaine, LSD, Barbituates, Barbarasol, Carbon Dioxide, Santa Claus, Capitalist Imperialism and the pubic fuzz of underpaid child workers.
All of these substances are highly addictive or poisonous, and in some states it is now illegal to purchase Coke unless you're over the age of 18.
For those already addicted, there are treatment options available. Consult your local libertarian socialist for more information.
Pepsi is another matter altogether, though by all accounts just as fucked up.
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[edit] Health Problems
[edit] Production of Coke
Firstly: Coca Cola was not invented, nor can it be destroyed.
Coca Cola is said to have a highly secretive formula that no human being on this Earth knows completely, however it is known to contain Dead Babies. The truth is that there is no formula. As it can be easily inferred from trying to deplete a glass or any other container with this transcendental black bubbling beverage, it can never be finished.
Of course, the only exception to this is physically breaking the Container which depletes the Coca-Cola but could cause a reaction that could destroy the world.
As experience easily shows, a single infinitesimal amount of Coke can be split over and over again forever, seeming to actually increase its volume. The fact is that it breeds through meiosis when split up. You can try it at home by simply trying to completely finish up a glass of Coke.
The secret source of Coke is thus a single drop of it, that hit Earth in a meteorite or some kind of portal. It has been mineral-enriched and has since been kept in an industrial apparatus to split it thousands of times over, in a way that each droplet multiplies itself several million fold and fills each and every bottle and can of Coca Cola in the World.
One of the other factors is coke's high benzene count.
WARNING: Cover Our Ass DISCLAIMER FOLLOWS: Coca-Cola is often produced on equipment that processes Fanta. As with anything commonly found in Mexico, it is potentially dangerous.To counteract the adverse effects of this beverage, it is advised you drink urine. Coca-Cola, Inc. never intends anyone in North America drink it, but we cannot be held liable for cross contamination involving Fanta.
[edit] Heres What The Evil Bastards At Wikipedia Say About Coke
Coke is a solid carbonaceous residue derived from low-ash, low-sulfur bituminous coal from which the volatile constituents are driven off by baking in an oven without oxygen at temperatures as high as 1,000 °C (1,832 °F) so that the fixed carbon and residual ash are fused together. Metallurgic coke is used as a fuel and as a reducing agent in smelting iron ore in a blast furnace. Coke from coal is grey, hard, and porous and has a heating value of 24.8 million Btu/ton (29.6 MJ/kg). Byproducts of this conversion of coal to coke include coal tar, ammonia, light oils, and "coal gas". Petroleum coke is the solid residue obtained in oil refining, which resembles coke but contains too many impurities to be useful in metallurgical applications.
Someone gave out the secret formula. Quick! Get them! Seize them you fools! Prepare to die. Exterminate them!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! COMON PEPSI CREW IT'S TIME TO ATTACK COKE!!!
4 Days later the coke company fell and now in 48 hours the world will explode. The pepsi science team is worling hard to try to reverce it but we all know it. Were doomed!
[edit] Different Types of Coke
Coke, Diet Coke, Diet Coke w/ Lime, Diet Coke w/ Yolk, Diet Coke w/ Semen, Cherry Coke, Coke Zero, Cherry Coke Zero, Crack Coke, Polka Cola, Toka Cola (banned for marijuana infusion), Mocha Cola, Joker Cola ("Why So Serious?" limited time offer),
[edit] Trivia
- Coca-Cola comes from Vin Diesel's nipples.
- Drinking Coca-Cola causes Cancer in women, babies, dogs, and headlice
- Drinking Coca-Cola also instantly kills men, cats, shrubberies, ferns, and zombies
- Coke increases your life expecancy for 6 million years
- Cherry Coke helped the Americans kill Hitler
- Coca-cola helps get rid of those tough, stubborn stains, that other colas simply cant
