Club Penguin

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Club Penguin.
“It's not very realistic...”
~ Captain Obvious on Club Penguin
“Waddle around and talk to complete strangers (Who may very well be creepy stalkers)”
~ Disney on Club Penguin
“So hard to... Get into that blasted server... Leave me alone...”
~ Tux on his own creation
“HEY KIDS! GET A MEMBERSHIP NOW, OR WE'LL KILL YOUR PUFFLES!”
~ Disney on Club Penguin

History

Fishmonger-redcircle-web

Note the KNIFE. The Laws of Club Penguin do not permit any penguin to carry a knife (so God knows how they make those fish pizzas- which I'm sure they always poison). This penguin is holding a knife which somehow got past Login.

Tux-igloo-web

Tux does not allow visitors to enter his luxury igloo, but this is what it probably looks like.

Club Penguin is the penguin equivalent of Second Life. It was created in 2003 by a penguin called Tux (who also created Linux - initially it was only accessible on Linux and only penguins could use it). Tux planned to add three dimensions and make it fully realistic, moving away from its childlike and cartoony appearance, but in late 2005 it caught the eye of Miniclip. Its existence was disclosed to the (all-human) Miniclip team by a friend of Tux's who calls himself "G" (he named himself "G" after listening to a Girls' Generation song which was called "Gee"). Miniclip decided that they wanted to buy Club Penguin. Tux was, at first, reluctant to sell his business (he'd earned half a ton of sicked-up fish so far), but when Miniclip offered him a huge igloo in the upmarket area of Antarctica, he finally cracked. G demanded that he be made famous on Club Penguin, in return for telling Miniclip about it. Miniclip obliged. Miniclip made many changes to Club Penguin, including making it accessible to a) all species and b) users of all operating systems. They also changed the currency used to pay memberships from PRF (Penguin Regurgitated Fish) to a selection of human currencies. Tux was not happy about this, but a deal's a deal. A few years later, Club Penguin had grown enormously and most of its users were humans. That was when Disney became interested. Eventually Club Penguin changed hands again, and Disney made it big and flashy and well-known. Tux now regrets his decision to sell it (he found his new igloo a bit chilly) and he has teamed up with a polar bear (named Harry Q. Bear - Herbert's little-known cousin. No-one knows what the Q stands for - possibly Qatar) to try and hack its servers. His CP username is I'm_Not_Tux (he's not that bright).

Basic Gameplay

The average player's Club Penguin experience is quite different from what Tux originally intended (this is mostly due to safety measures put in place by Disney to make the game more appealing to humans and to stop Tux from hacking). Most players, often feeling rather restricted by this (especially the few remaining penguin players) spend their time dancing (the same stupid dance every time - we don't CARE if Rockhopper invented it, we want something new!), trying (and always failing) to drill into the ground with jackhammers, putting on outfits that no real penguin would ever want to wear (because in case you haven't noticed, penguins don't wear clothes at all. Nor do they come in 14 different garish colours), pretending to eat sweets, crisps, pizza, coffee, and many other foods no penguin would touch, decorating their igloos with disco floors, fridges (????), climbing walls, posters of the very imaginatively named 'Penguin Band', and other useless items, and trying to tip the iceberg (totally pointless, about as productive as putting a brick in a paper boat and expecting it to float across the Pacific).


To sum it up, it is boring, unimaginative, and utterly pointless, on so many levels.

Puffles

PuffGubbinsLores-web

An artist's impression of the Inside Gubbins of a puffle. What little we have since learned about the Inside Gubbins of a puffle suggests that this image is inaccurate.

Puffles are the virtual pets available on Club Penguin, which some say do even less than Neopets. Puffles look like bath sponges but are less active. They come in a similar variety of garish colours to the penguins, and the colour is supposed to indicate their personality but they're all just the same really. They can somehow conjure toys out of nowhere. The insides of a puffle have puzzled many people - they never have to 'go', they consume and digest bowls of food bigger than themselves with no change of size, etc. The most popular theory is that the food is compacted into a tiny parcel of energy as soon as it enters the puffle, and that the bowl is recycled, being somehow kept in storage until it is next needed. A puffle is usually considered to be 20% fur, 30% muscle, 40% eyes, 10% bone, and 0% brain.

Little-known facts

  • Club penguin is actually based on the town of Kiruna in Sweden.
CP-Kiruna-web

A very early version of Club Penguin was simply called 'Kiruna'. The residents of the real town complained about being portrayed as odd-looking, multicoloured, fat penguins, so the name was changed to Club Penguin.

  • 1 Coin is equal to about 8p.
  • Club Penguin includes a secret mini-game which is a slightly easier, child's version of the Blue Screen of Death. It is called the BSAoD (Blue Spinning Arrows of Death).
    Cp-spinningarrows

    A typical BSAoD screenshot (the bar does not actually move - it is just there to add interest).

  • There is a rumour that there is soon going to be an actual war between Club Penguin and Fantage (said to be over the number of paid memberships Fantage steals from Club Penguin every year) This will be difficult as neither side features weapons of any kind.
  • Miniclip was paid to turn the Coffee Shop into a Porn Video Store, the Pizza Parlour into a Rape Hut and the Gift Shop into an Whore Shop. Hundreds of young players' parents protested less than a week after the changes took place. As a result they were quickly changed back to normal.

Eventually miniclip said, "fuck you Club Penguin!" and forced Club Penguin to make their own site at www.clubpenguin.com.

  • This game pretty much blows...

FUCK SHIT BALLS!

  • The heart emotion allow you to invite other penguins to sleep with.
  • In 2009 the great penguin massacre took place. Many penguins died that day along with the souls of the 6 year olds that owned those penguins.
  • Some people think it is wrong that little kids own penguins as their slaves but other people (KKK) agree with penguin slavery.
  • Sometimes the puffles will find a intergalactic portal to the real world and look at porn on your computer.

See also

Snowballs thrown in club penguin

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Pee snowballs thrown in club penguin

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Blood sauce used in pizza

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Weird green smelling farts prduced

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Penguins that drink the sea

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Penguins that have eaten too many potato pizzas and are morbidly obese

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Penguins that have eaten farted on oranges

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People who wanted lavender to be the new 2009 colour

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Girls

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Boys

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Penguins that are good

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Only the best!

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