Cloud Strife
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“Damn! With your size, that's too big!”
~ Zack Fair, changing his clothes
“That glow in his eyes...”
~ Oscar Wilde on Cloud's eyes
“Now that's a shaved armpit!!!”
~ Some fan girl/boy on Cloud's armpit
“You know what they say about guys with big hair and bigger swords, right?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Cloud Strife
“This guy is gay and overrated.”
~ Randy Orton on Cloud Strife
“Your hair is more ridiculous than mine, dickhead. ”
~ Yu-Gi-Oh on Cloud Strife's Hair
“What I am way more emo and gay than this guy”
~ Squall Leonhart on Cloud Strife
“I'll get you next time Cloud... next time.”
~ Dr Claw on Cloud Strife
“THIS GUY IS A COMPLETE RIPOFF, I MEAN LOOK AT THAT HAIR, AND THOSE CLOTHES! ITS NOT LIKE HE EXISTED BEFORE ME OR ANYTHING!!”
~ Ichigo Kurosaki on Cloud Strife
Cloud Strife is the star of Final Fantasy VII, and is one of the most famous video game characters ever, rivaled only by Pac-man, Link, and that plumber guy whose name shall not be used here out for respect for the dead. Since first appearing, Cloud has also made cameo appearances in every game Square-Enix has put out, as well as being retroactively added into previous games he had nothing to do with. Cloud Strife currently resides in Tórshavn, thus being the only survivor of the great Chav War of 2003.
Cloud's Japanese voice is done by Boobs Ono, his English voice actor is Steve Burton, and his Faroese voice actor is Gilbert Gotfried (despite the fact that Gilbert didn't actually speak Faroese).
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[edit] Love Life
Despite being a mentally confused, emotionally vulnerable cross dresser with a funny hair, 50% of women and 90% of men find him irresistibly sexy. The following is a list of characters that Cloud Strife has been romantically linked to in one way or another.
Tifa Lockheart: Childhood friend, bar owner, and Terraist.
Aeris Gainsborough: Sweet and innocent flower girl from the slums.
Zack Fair: We all know that Zack did more than just change Cloud's clothes while he was comatose.
Yuffie Kissarawknee: Teenage ninja girl and a thief. Was one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles but was thrown out for stealing their candy.
Vincent Valentine: Once the coffin lid opened...
Sephiroth: During Cloud's military bootcamp days, he was often "punished" by his commanding officer.
Kadaj: It was like with Sephiroth, only ten times better. And more begging for mother.
Jenova: While a Navy janitor, he attempted to reestablish his heretosexuality by molesting an octopus named Jenova.
Squall Leonhart: After that fateful meeting in Kingdom Hearts. Much squeeing was to be had by all.
Axel: An Orginization XIII member who mistook Cloud for an older, cooler version of Roxas. Stalked him for several days until they were caught in an Anime Convention where they were forced to appease AkuRoku fangirls. Many hours later, Axel realized his mistake and broke up with Cloud. The two have never spoken to each other again.
Men at the sex club: Even though Cloud should be saving Tifa, he decides to knock up the ol' sex club for some buttsecks in a tub.
Men at those inns in FFVII: There's a reason those stops at the inns are censored. You didn't really think the night lasted only five seconds.
Me: Even though I'm a straight guy. Think about it. You'd tap that too.
… and many many more.
[edit] Mental State
Cloud gets very emotional easily and tends to have severe headaches when he goes more than five hours without listening to emo music.
Cloud is also very easily confused by even the simplest of things and once had to have a tutorial explaining to him how to swing his sword and put balls in holes.
He is known to have a short memory span, frequently rejecting anything unpleasant and reconstructing his own memory more to his liking.
“Nu-uh, I did not get drunk and dance butt naked on the deck of Highwind last night! That was... er... Tifa!”
~ Cloud Strife
Cloud also enjoys cross-dressing, even while out on dates with other women.
Sang songs against drugs primarily LSD during President George H. W. Bush's The War on Drugs campaign operation: Brainwash Everyone! His mental state was at a highly destructive state at this point due to overuse of the drug LSD which Bush used as a motivator.
Cloud often goes to bars, especially Tifa's bar 7th Heaven, where he tends to get very drunk. In his drunken state, he has been known to get into bar fights, and has on two occasions severely injured his rival due to head butting him with his spiky head. Cloud is in fact most dangerous when he is drunk, so it is advisable not to approach him while he is in this state.
Cloud's standard warcry sounds something like "Ah'mnocrazzzy! Zshacknoexishtant!! Mejshack! Aieeeaieeeeaieeeeaieeeeaieeee!!" It is recommended that you run - or at least cast barrier - upon hearing it; for his sword is mighty and he has been known to "dual wield" even in a public place.
[edit] Popularity
Cloud Strife is the only character ever to be nominated, Coolest character that will ever exist. Ever by GameFakes. He ran unopposed and received 103% of the votes, narrowly beating out himself who received 106% of the votes. The question of how the lesser number won was brought up but instantly answered by mentioning the electoral college.
(Ralph Nader received .6% of votes due to hanging chads.)
Cloud has also become a popular name to use in online games, message boards, and chat rooms, as it lets others know not to mess with Cloud. This is because, as a character, Cloud gets very emotional and must be coddled constantly.
[edit] Further Adventures
Once, only once, did Cloud team up with the American Justice Coalition, and while he did manage to help the group defeat Oprah once and for all, he turned out to be such a whiney little cunt, that they all gave him fake phone numbers when asked. After discovering what the justice league had done to him Cloud became quite distraught. He fell into an alcohol/cocaine/mako/materia/crack addiction for 4 years. For anyone other than Cloud this would have caused death but it only caused his HP to decrease from 9999 to 500, which he eventually fixed by going to sleep. Once coming out of this depression he decided that he was going to "make those filthy bastards pay,". On September 5th 2001 a showdown of the justice league vs. Cloud Strife occurred which was held at Madison Square Garden. My memory isn't quite what it was but I think the world was destroyed in this epic battle... but in truth, Cloud was actually knocked into Dimension X. He is currently on a 20-year journey to learn a skill known as Super Ultimate Hyper Omega Omnislashpocalypse, a skill rumored to be so deadly that even saying it really loud makes you seem more dangerous to random passing strangers. It is rumored to have the ability to harm Chuck Norris, Cloud, however, simply wants it for a wall paper.
After Final Fantasy, Cloud conquered most of the Disney universe. Squaresoft and Disney formed an unholy alliance to stop the evil tyrant, so Disney created the Heartless. Squaresoft knew this wouldn't work, as Cloud is a Heartless fascist dictator, so they sent Sephiroth and Disney created a character. Squaresoft said that this character could have one of Cloud's powers; Disney chose gravity-defying hair. This new character, Sora, betrayed and helped Cloud. The war still rages on.
[edit] Hairstyle
His unsual hairstyle was obtained when he was a child and he stuck his penis/cock/dick/schlong/whatever the hell you call it into an electrical asshole. It also fried his brain which explains why he isn't all that smart. One time when he was going to slick his hair back, but he cut his wrist on one of the sharp spikes which almost led to his untimely death but luckily he was saved by a leprechaun who threw himself upon the wound until the blood was too scared to come out anymore. Goku claims that Cloud stole his hairstyle and his whole look, so they're enemies now.
[edit] Past Injuries
Despite Cloud's image of total invincibility, he was once handicapped and confined to a wheel-chair. Cloud's party decided "who gives a fuck" and pushed him into a pit of mako, which is where most of his powers comes from. The closest things to an injury he can get is when people make fun of his AWESOME hair, and kick-ass jeans.
[edit] Buster Sword
Cloud's butter knife was given to him by the 'bigass sword maker'. He remarked that Cloud deserved it. He used his knife for good, though he could hardly lift it at first. Eventually, after sucking eggs and working out, he was able to lift it, and swing it perfectly. He is the only man/woman/cat alive to know this work out trick, though why he can't use it to unleash ass-kicking/slicing/hurting hell on his opponents is unclear. He now uses it for various chores around the house, like trimming hedges and painting. It's so grossly out of proportion, it needs two sections to explain. Cloud's butter knife is really just too big. Even the developers at Square couldn't see the point, but Nobuo made them do it. Nobuo's the only man of any real significance there. Legend has it that the Butter Knife was actually a being of great sentience at some time in the past, but that its blade outgrew its hilt and killed the brain inside. Akin to its equally mindless wielder, it wreaks psychopathic destruction on the battlefield.
Later wields another version made up of many heavy ass swords in one. Cloud has yet to learn the laws of Physics Gravity or Sensibility.
There's a rumor that he wields his huge-ass butter knife to compensate for something....
[edit] The Great Hair Gel Incident
Cloud and Sephiroth used to be very close. One fateful night they were sent to Berlin, a town in Germany, to investigate the Hair Gel Reactor built by Shinra. Cloud went in with black hair and went to bed. The next morning he woke up and found Sephiroth gone. Sephiroth had finally gone mad with jealousy after realizing that Cloud's hairstyle had beaten his in the fashion polls. As revenge, Sephiroth had stolen his hairgel, dyed Cloud's hair yellow and ran off crying to his mother.
Cloud pursued Sephiroth up to the hair gel reactor and pushed him into the gelstream, something which should kill anyone by overslicking their hair. Years later, Sephiroth came back for revenge and tried to take over the moon. Cloud decided to stop him and finally met him under the crater in the north.
Here, Cloud came into contact with the gelstream and which granted him amazing powers. He was infused with Holy hairgel and suddenly gained the power of Hyper-super-mega-ultimate-ridiculous-inferno-uber-ultimate-kick-ass-Omnislash.
Unsurprisingly, Sephiroth died. Twice.
[edit] Swiss Army Motorbike
After destroying Sephiroth utterly Cloud decided to go in for a make over. He lost the purple jumpsuit and started to wear black, then took up an earring to show his feminine side and cut his hair slightly to stop scaring small children. The final stage in the make over was the 'Fenrir' model swiss army motorbike. Containing six tools including sword, device for getting people out of Chocobos' feet, scissors, magnifying glass, screwdriver and the patent 'groinbuster' sword. The tools can combine together into a single handy hedgetrimmer, or a weapon of unthinkable ass destruction.
[edit] Retirement
No longer needed as a mercenary and tired of the hectic life as a delivery boy (which offered him great challenges due to his short memory span), Cloud finally retired after the destruction of Sephiroth and the Shiny Triplets to go on an around-the-world roadtrip on his Swiss Army Motorbike. In his autobiography Let's Mosey! he recounts how he ran out of gas in a secluded area somewhere off in the East. Encountering an elderly farmer, who incidentally was the only local trader in gas, Cloud found that he was completely broke after spending all of his money on hairgel. After some careful consideration, Cloud decided to trade in his Swiss Army Motorbike for the much needed can of gas. It was this very can of gas he was hauling along aimlessly when he suddenly came upon an old, run-down chocobo farm up for auction.
Cloud decided to participate in said auction and thus made a generous bid on the farm. He won easily, as the seller was in dire need of some gas for his newly acquired Swiss Army Motorbike. None of the other bidders seemed able to top Cloud's bid of 1 can of gas, seeing as they all thoughtlessly brought nothing but money and chequebooks to the auction.
Since his lucky strike, Cloud has fully restored the old farm and made it into a private business, calling it Cloud's Chocobos. The farm is currently dedicated to experimenting in the breeding and in-breeding of various types of chocobo. Among the most famous and interesting of Cloud's results so far have been the Flat chocobo, Pleasantly Plump chocobo (it's not fat - just pleasantly plump), Clockobo, Rockabo and the Makobo, all of which have been trademarked.
An unconfirmed rumor states that Cloud's Chocobos has recently received several orders on Pleasantly Plump chocobos from the KFC Corporation. According to the rumor, Cloud is currently signing a deal to become a major supplier for the company.
[edit] See Also
